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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think he must know his behaviour is wrong?

274 replies

RaincloudReverie · 25/05/2017 13:47

We were in Homebase today looking for a fan. We live in a studio so I specifically stated that we shouldn't get a tower fan - one that goes on the table would be perfect. My OH proceeds to ignore the table-top fans - after I pointed out a couple, he had 'reasons for why they weren't good enough - and pick out a tower fan.

I asked him to think practically about where it would go, said I wasn't happy with it as it would clutter our flat up etc, and pointed out a table-top alternative.

Que him starting to walk to the till with it. Now, he was going to be using my bank card, because he basically spends all his own money on weed and has nothing left, so mostly everything household comes from me. I wasn't about to pay for that fan when we have no floor space as it is! I pointed this out. He put the fan back, saying "well if you're going to be such a dick about it then", and stormed out the shop.

I followed, asking him why he was acting so immaturely, throwing a tantrum because I said no to that particular style of fan? I tried reasoning with him, asking him where he thought that fan would go practically - he just shook his head and gave me the silent treatment.

He was pushing the buggy. I was in the left side near the carpark. He closed the gap between the buggy/him and the pavement, effectively forcing me off the curb into the car park. I tried to step back onto the pavement but he refused to move over. I nudged him, as if to say "hello?!", he didn't react. Didn't even look at me.

In the end I took the keys and walked home, leaving him to do the shopping on his own. I wasn't going to walk around Sainsbury's with my partner being completely blanked, with him speed-walking purposefully so that I struggle to keep up.

This is on top of this morning. He opened the bathroom door to let it ventilate while we went out. Instinctively, I shut it. I didn't even think. A simple 'Leave it open please', would have sufficed, but instead I got 'What the fuck are you doing you stupid fucking prick!' Completely irrational surely?

He overreacts about everything. He leaves his shoes hanging out from under the bed, so I slot then in nicely where they are supposed to go, to keep the room looking tidy. When he goes to get them on, instead of 'Where are my shoes?', I get 'Where the fuck are my shoes?'. Once I tell him where they are (behind a few pairs of other shoes, a little way under the bed), he says 'Well you can fucking get them for me then, creating unnecessary hassle as fucking always.'

I tell him not to swear at me so much, and he tries to justify it by saying 'you shouldn't act like such a fucking flid all your life then.'

Just a few weeks ago we were carrying the buggy down the block stairs, and just as we were leaving our front door I started a convo about this or that, benign stuff. I saw him pick the door keys up. As we were going down the first floor, he realised he'd left the keys indoors. Now, apparently this was 'my fucking fault' because I 'distracted him by talking shit in his ear'.

When we're out and someone bumps into me, even when it was evidently the other person's fault, he looks at me with contempt and says I'm a 'fucking dickhead, getting in everyone's way'.

I'll admit, I'm one of those annoying people who inadvertently make animated facial expressions and hand gestures while talking about things important to me at the time. If I do this in public, he tells me I 'Look like a fucking weirdo, everyone's looking at you, everyone's looking at you thinking what the fuck is wrong with you'.

He reacts to completely average occurrences involving me with 'Oh fuck off then you slag/cunt/prick/mental faggot' etc.

He really thinks it's me that's the problem, though. Surely not... He must realise? How can anyone who behaves like that genuinely think it's normal? Hmm

OP posts:
Fluffyunicorns · 25/05/2017 14:17

My first LTB too.
You need to be out of there so quickly that he can't see you for dust.
Get your child out ASAP

AnUtterIdiot · 25/05/2017 14:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JaneEyre70 · 25/05/2017 14:18

Yes his behaviour is wrong, because he's a waster drug addict. But your behaviour of letting him be in your life and your child's life creating such a toxic environment is no better. He is treating you with nothing but contempt and malice, and your child is seeing that everyday and will grow up thinking it is normal and acceptable. And it isn't. But only you can make that change.

FlapAttack88 · 25/05/2017 14:20

This man needs to be out of your life. Make it happen

RhodaBorrocks · 25/05/2017 14:20

Apart from the weed he sounds just like my XP. I think I've only ever seriously said LTB once before - have my second one:

LTB.

ThatsWotSheSaid · 25/05/2017 14:20

My DP can be a complete ass but he has never spoken to me (or anyone) like that. Using words like 'flid' says more about him than they it does about you. LTB.

JessicaEccles · 25/05/2017 14:21

Do you think that if he realises his behaviour is 'wrong'- he will suddenly have a personality change?

he. Does. Not. Give .A. Shit. He spends all his money on weed and you put up with his shite behaviour. Why should he change?

Cackleberry4 · 25/05/2017 14:22

I have never been one to join the LTB bandwagon on mumsnet but he sounds like a complete and utter dick!

In your shoes and depending on your housing arrangement I'd give him notice.

BuzzKillington · 25/05/2017 14:24

For heaven's sake. Why on earth would you put up with even a fraction of that sort of behaviour? What kind of environment are you raising a child in?

Your partner clearly hates you - what is keeping you there?

Vroomster · 25/05/2017 14:24

And you're with him, why? Hmm

WhereYouLeftIt · 25/05/2017 14:26

"he was going to be using my bank card, because he basically spends all his own money on weed and has nothing left, so mostly everything household comes from me."
There's your problem. He's a dopehead. Everything revolves around him and his weed. For him, you are nothing but an encumbrance, keeping him from his weed.

"How can anyone who behaves like that genuinely think it's normal?"
Because the world outside his head and his weed doesn't matter to him.

This arsewipe is nothing but a parasite and an emotional drain on you. Think about how much nicer your life would be without him. Then get rid of him. You will be so much happier.

absolutelynot · 25/05/2017 14:26

you aren't asking if he knows his behaviour is unreasonable, you are actually asking if anyone out there has a solution to the behaviour that would make him change and be a nicer, more responsible, stable, less abusive child.

The answer is no.

If he stopped smoking weed he may become more tolerable but the fact having a child together didn't make him stop, suggests he doesn't care enough about making a stable home environment to feel the need to stop.

He has already made you on edge, don't say he hasn't, this is what this behaviour creates in someone in your position. You are none of the things he says about you, you may think you are, which is why he says those things. He wants to upset you. He does not care enough about not upsetting you to think he shouldn't say those things.

In bringing you child up around a man who says those things/acts this way, you are saying to your dd "you should expect to be spoken to like this, this is as good as it gets" or if you have ds, you are saying "treating women like this is acceptable, my mum would of left if it wasn't".

This is cyclical and you are feeding it by sticking around.

Trust me, I was you.

muffinbluffer · 25/05/2017 14:27

I find it interesting that the title of this thread is He must know his behaviour is wrong....

Can I ask OP, did you grow up in a similar environment...I only ask because I see that you are expending a lot of your energy trying to work him out while questioning your (by all accounts perfectly reasonable) behaviour...I recognise this as something I do as a result of an abusive childhood...

I am always trying to work out and anticipate other people's behaviour and responses rather than look after my own... if the father of your child calls you a cunt it is wrong, it doesn't matter why he said it, whether he knows it's wrong or not, it is causing you harm and you need to remove yourself and your child from that harm.

Surely the question is you must know his behaviour is wrong? Don't waste any more energy on his fucked up internal processes and instead focus it on getting away from him as you and your child deserve better.

And here, my first LTB for you....

Jayyfa · 25/05/2017 14:27

Agree with all PP.

Don't feel moved to post much but this sounds dangerous.

That kind of verbal abuse is not normal. My husband and I have arguments some times and we both say ridiculous and sometimes hurtful things and we sometimes swear but never at each other. I have never called my husband a 'name' to put him down and he's never done that to me. We're friends.

Over the years this is the kind of thing that could wear you down. You won't notice it but gradually the confidence even to reach out as you have done could get eroded, you might start to believe the things he says about you.

Be careful. It may be time to start thinking about getting some distance if you can, and assessing whether you want to be with him.

Be safe.

ElphabaStrop · 25/05/2017 14:28

Surely when you were actually writing the post, OP, you must have thought "What the hell am I with this twat for?"

Never said this before but seriously - leave him or kick him out. I can't see one good reason to stay with him.

Xenophile · 25/05/2017 14:28

Run the fuck away from this utter turbocunt.

He knows what he's doing is wrong. He's doing it because it amuses him to do so. Do you realise how wrong it is?

HorridHenryrule · 25/05/2017 14:29

It is you your still with him and he treats you like that. You have a child and he spends all his money on weed.

Jayyfa · 25/05/2017 14:29

Sorry I don't mean to sound alarmist!

Can't figure out how to edit my post...just was meaning, it doesn't sound healthy mentally for you or your child.

Hope it works out.

diddl · 25/05/2017 14:30

I don't understand posts like this.

He spends all of his money on weed, he's abusive, and yet has access to your bank card-wtaf is that all about?

That's not to mention you all being out to get a bloody fan!

WomblingThree · 25/05/2017 14:30

I actually cannot believe that any woman would be stupid enough to not realise this is abuse. Unlike most abusive relationships on MN, it isn't insidious, or clever, or gaslighting or hidden; it is blatant.

He is telling you loud and clear that he hates you. Why the fuck did you have a child with him? Why did you want to bring a baby into your fucked up relationship to witness this? You ask why he thinks it's normal? He doesn't, but it's probably quite fun for him, seeing how far he can go before you get it.

Whoever said write a list of pros and cons (WTF) I'll give you a clue. The pros list is non-existent. Let's face it though, you won't actually leave him and you'll be back on here next year in the same situation with another kid.

I actually hope you are a troll.

QuestionARhino · 25/05/2017 14:30

Holy mother of fuck, kick this bastard out.

HorridHenryrule · 25/05/2017 14:31

He treats you like that because you let him, don't you want more for yourself.

muffinbluffer · 25/05/2017 14:31

And I second absolutelynot...abuse is cyclical and won't just end with him if you continue to raise your child around this man and a whole new generation of abuse will have been enabled....

eelbecomingforyou · 25/05/2017 14:32

You have a CHILD with this abusive dope-head???
Why?

LTB. He is HORRIBLE to you - you deserve better. Everyone does.

HolditFinger · 25/05/2017 14:33

He's a cocklodger who does drugs and treats you like shit. You can have my first LTB too.