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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think he must know his behaviour is wrong?

274 replies

RaincloudReverie · 25/05/2017 13:47

We were in Homebase today looking for a fan. We live in a studio so I specifically stated that we shouldn't get a tower fan - one that goes on the table would be perfect. My OH proceeds to ignore the table-top fans - after I pointed out a couple, he had 'reasons for why they weren't good enough - and pick out a tower fan.

I asked him to think practically about where it would go, said I wasn't happy with it as it would clutter our flat up etc, and pointed out a table-top alternative.

Que him starting to walk to the till with it. Now, he was going to be using my bank card, because he basically spends all his own money on weed and has nothing left, so mostly everything household comes from me. I wasn't about to pay for that fan when we have no floor space as it is! I pointed this out. He put the fan back, saying "well if you're going to be such a dick about it then", and stormed out the shop.

I followed, asking him why he was acting so immaturely, throwing a tantrum because I said no to that particular style of fan? I tried reasoning with him, asking him where he thought that fan would go practically - he just shook his head and gave me the silent treatment.

He was pushing the buggy. I was in the left side near the carpark. He closed the gap between the buggy/him and the pavement, effectively forcing me off the curb into the car park. I tried to step back onto the pavement but he refused to move over. I nudged him, as if to say "hello?!", he didn't react. Didn't even look at me.

In the end I took the keys and walked home, leaving him to do the shopping on his own. I wasn't going to walk around Sainsbury's with my partner being completely blanked, with him speed-walking purposefully so that I struggle to keep up.

This is on top of this morning. He opened the bathroom door to let it ventilate while we went out. Instinctively, I shut it. I didn't even think. A simple 'Leave it open please', would have sufficed, but instead I got 'What the fuck are you doing you stupid fucking prick!' Completely irrational surely?

He overreacts about everything. He leaves his shoes hanging out from under the bed, so I slot then in nicely where they are supposed to go, to keep the room looking tidy. When he goes to get them on, instead of 'Where are my shoes?', I get 'Where the fuck are my shoes?'. Once I tell him where they are (behind a few pairs of other shoes, a little way under the bed), he says 'Well you can fucking get them for me then, creating unnecessary hassle as fucking always.'

I tell him not to swear at me so much, and he tries to justify it by saying 'you shouldn't act like such a fucking flid all your life then.'

Just a few weeks ago we were carrying the buggy down the block stairs, and just as we were leaving our front door I started a convo about this or that, benign stuff. I saw him pick the door keys up. As we were going down the first floor, he realised he'd left the keys indoors. Now, apparently this was 'my fucking fault' because I 'distracted him by talking shit in his ear'.

When we're out and someone bumps into me, even when it was evidently the other person's fault, he looks at me with contempt and says I'm a 'fucking dickhead, getting in everyone's way'.

I'll admit, I'm one of those annoying people who inadvertently make animated facial expressions and hand gestures while talking about things important to me at the time. If I do this in public, he tells me I 'Look like a fucking weirdo, everyone's looking at you, everyone's looking at you thinking what the fuck is wrong with you'.

He reacts to completely average occurrences involving me with 'Oh fuck off then you slag/cunt/prick/mental faggot' etc.

He really thinks it's me that's the problem, though. Surely not... He must realise? How can anyone who behaves like that genuinely think it's normal? Hmm

OP posts:
Belle1616 · 25/05/2017 14:35

wowzers, why are you putting up with the name calling? He clearly has no respect for you.

nachogazpacho · 25/05/2017 14:36

He doesn't give a shit if he's unreasonable or not.

Because you think normally you think he does. So you ask him why he does it or try to placate him. The way he thinks is that you are there to please him end of.

Your dc should not be hearing him talk to you and treat you like that. They will find it upsetting and it will become their normal. He won't be able to change how he speaks to you so you really only have one option.

Notsandwiches · 25/05/2017 14:37

Gosh, he doesn't have one redeeming feature does he? You need to work on your self respect and get rid. You deserve better, as does your child.

Babyonboard101 · 25/05/2017 14:37

Three words come to mind. Mentally. Abusive. Relationship.

Run away. Run far away and take the child with you. Clearly his pot is affecting the few brain cells he has

FreakinScaryCaaw · 25/05/2017 14:37

Surely when you were actually writing the post,OP, you must have thought "What the hell am I with this twat for?"

This^

Agree with everyone else. Good luck.

indigox · 25/05/2017 14:38

You know his behaviour is wrong so why are you putting up with it?

muffinbluffer · 25/05/2017 14:38

Wombling if the OP has grown up in a similar environment she may have difficulty believing it is as bad as it quite clearly is...it might also mean her self esteem might be damaged (as hinted at by her belief she is 'annoying')

I think she needs support rather than judgement. Women in abusive situations are not 'stupid' for staying. They are often from abusive situations themselves. I for one find anyone being nice to me or doing anything for me extremely stressful and uncomfortable as being around abusive people was so normal to me. It doesn't matter how much I know otherwise.

CowParsleyNettle · 25/05/2017 14:40

He sounds horrible, a bully. A partner is supportive, not thoughtless, petty, insulting and vindictive.

ToastDemon · 25/05/2017 14:41

Your life sounds hellish Sad
I felt really tense just reading that. And you are living it. You don't have to be.

StripeyLass · 25/05/2017 14:41

@RaincloudReverie I've just left a man who was similar to this, after 5 years of abuse (financial, emotional and intellectual) which I'm afraid is what you are describing.

So sorry and hope you are ok. Contact your local council for support, they can put you in touch with some domestic abuse services locally. Xxx

MoonGeek · 25/05/2017 14:42

His behaviour is unacceptable
Ltb

spidey66 · 25/05/2017 14:44

If he didn't spend all his money on weed you could afford a larger flat with room for a tower fan.

I'm not a great one for shouting LTB but it's justified here.

thatdearoctopus · 25/05/2017 14:45

Well, aside from all the other jaw-dropping awfulness, he calls you flid as a term of abuse??? ShockShockShock

WomblingThree · 25/05/2017 14:45

muffinbluffer I absolutely agree with you in most cases I've seen on here, and I can see even in this situation that it's hard to deal with it or leave. However, the OP appears to be an articulate, intelligent woman, and no one with half a brain cell would think that being called obscene names by a drug addict was normal.

AlternativeTentacle · 25/05/2017 14:46

How can anyone who behaves like that genuinely think it's normal?

Because he seems to have a partner and a child and nobody seems to walk away from him so he just carries on. Why do you think he behaves like this?

Why do you put up with it is more the question?

BaDumShh · 25/05/2017 14:47

He is abusing you.

Get yourself and your child out of there ASAP.

Katedotness1963 · 25/05/2017 14:52

You must know you don't deserve that kind of treatment? And your child does not deserve to grow up with that loser as an example of how people treat each other. You need to get as far from his as you can, I can't believe you are having any kind of happy life with him.

troodiedoo · 25/05/2017 14:52

Well this man sure is a prize bell end. Please do yourself and your child a favour and ditch him.

It breaks my heart reading posts like the OP on here every day.

namechange20050 · 25/05/2017 14:52

Why on earth would you have a child with someone like this?

AppleOfMyEye10 · 25/05/2017 14:52

*I stopped reading after this:

he basically spends all his own money on weed

You have a child and you're still with him? Why?*

Typical story on here. The op proceeds to list examples of how vile this man is and complains about him yet she chooses to still be with him.

Vroomster · 25/05/2017 14:57

I predict the OP will be telling us how much she loves him and what a great Dad he is, despite the weed.

muffinbluffer · 25/05/2017 14:58

I take your point wombling and can feel your frustration (which I also feel considering there is a child involved)

Being articulate and intelligent doesn't always equate to emotionally recognising a situation though (and I think the OP does recognise it on some level as highlighted by her last sentence but perhaps is needing some confirmation)...

I am often told I am articulate and intelligent yet doubted myself for years, My weed smoking brother could be really vicious but I was convinced by my family that I was the problem and it was only when I got away that I started to see it for what it was.

Of course none of us know the ins and outs. I think we can agree he is an utter bastard and she needs to fully recognise this and leave asap.

22Names · 25/05/2017 14:59

He reacts to completely average occurrences involving me with 'Oh fuck off then you slag/cunt/prick/mental faggot' etc.

He's a misogynistic homophobe who spends all his money on cannabis. Sounds like a catch to me!

He's teaching your baby that it's ok to treat you like this

bloodymaria · 25/05/2017 15:01

How can anyone who behaves like that genuinely think it's normal?

Possibly because you are allowing him to do it, by making the choice to stay in the relationship with him.

lanouvelleheloise · 25/05/2017 15:08

Your life will be so, so much better and easier when you leave this man.