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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think he must know his behaviour is wrong?

274 replies

RaincloudReverie · 25/05/2017 13:47

We were in Homebase today looking for a fan. We live in a studio so I specifically stated that we shouldn't get a tower fan - one that goes on the table would be perfect. My OH proceeds to ignore the table-top fans - after I pointed out a couple, he had 'reasons for why they weren't good enough - and pick out a tower fan.

I asked him to think practically about where it would go, said I wasn't happy with it as it would clutter our flat up etc, and pointed out a table-top alternative.

Que him starting to walk to the till with it. Now, he was going to be using my bank card, because he basically spends all his own money on weed and has nothing left, so mostly everything household comes from me. I wasn't about to pay for that fan when we have no floor space as it is! I pointed this out. He put the fan back, saying "well if you're going to be such a dick about it then", and stormed out the shop.

I followed, asking him why he was acting so immaturely, throwing a tantrum because I said no to that particular style of fan? I tried reasoning with him, asking him where he thought that fan would go practically - he just shook his head and gave me the silent treatment.

He was pushing the buggy. I was in the left side near the carpark. He closed the gap between the buggy/him and the pavement, effectively forcing me off the curb into the car park. I tried to step back onto the pavement but he refused to move over. I nudged him, as if to say "hello?!", he didn't react. Didn't even look at me.

In the end I took the keys and walked home, leaving him to do the shopping on his own. I wasn't going to walk around Sainsbury's with my partner being completely blanked, with him speed-walking purposefully so that I struggle to keep up.

This is on top of this morning. He opened the bathroom door to let it ventilate while we went out. Instinctively, I shut it. I didn't even think. A simple 'Leave it open please', would have sufficed, but instead I got 'What the fuck are you doing you stupid fucking prick!' Completely irrational surely?

He overreacts about everything. He leaves his shoes hanging out from under the bed, so I slot then in nicely where they are supposed to go, to keep the room looking tidy. When he goes to get them on, instead of 'Where are my shoes?', I get 'Where the fuck are my shoes?'. Once I tell him where they are (behind a few pairs of other shoes, a little way under the bed), he says 'Well you can fucking get them for me then, creating unnecessary hassle as fucking always.'

I tell him not to swear at me so much, and he tries to justify it by saying 'you shouldn't act like such a fucking flid all your life then.'

Just a few weeks ago we were carrying the buggy down the block stairs, and just as we were leaving our front door I started a convo about this or that, benign stuff. I saw him pick the door keys up. As we were going down the first floor, he realised he'd left the keys indoors. Now, apparently this was 'my fucking fault' because I 'distracted him by talking shit in his ear'.

When we're out and someone bumps into me, even when it was evidently the other person's fault, he looks at me with contempt and says I'm a 'fucking dickhead, getting in everyone's way'.

I'll admit, I'm one of those annoying people who inadvertently make animated facial expressions and hand gestures while talking about things important to me at the time. If I do this in public, he tells me I 'Look like a fucking weirdo, everyone's looking at you, everyone's looking at you thinking what the fuck is wrong with you'.

He reacts to completely average occurrences involving me with 'Oh fuck off then you slag/cunt/prick/mental faggot' etc.

He really thinks it's me that's the problem, though. Surely not... He must realise? How can anyone who behaves like that genuinely think it's normal? Hmm

OP posts:
whatsthefuckingwrongwithyou · 25/05/2017 20:55

Funnily enough, smoking loads of dope does have an effect on brain cells/typing skills.

Wolfiefan · 25/05/2017 20:55

It's illegal.
This man is spending shit loads of money on an illegal drug and treating his partner in a way only an arsehole would.
Not the thread to defend the use of weed. Hmm

littlemissangrypants · 25/05/2017 21:00

Op, you need to leave and you know it. I can't and won't judge you for not having left yet.
My ex had me trapped in the same way and it took me 13 years of abuse, hunger and violence before I got brave enough to get free. My sons never got to attend birthday parties or anything like that as ex spent all our money on drugs.
He didn't work for nearly 8 years. He spent all benefits on himself. Our sons missed out on so much.
Every time I tried to leave he told me I was mental and that social services would take my kids. I was so afraid to lose them that I stayed. The kids were scared all the time. I tried my best to give them some kind of childhood but it was hard.
Ex even tried to get me to section myself as he said I was imagining him smoking weed. He said he had given it up. I honestly believed I was going insane so I booked an appointment with my gp to discuss sectioning myself. Ex only stopped me as I was walking out of the house. He laughed and called me a thick cunt for thinking I was mad.
Even that didn't make me leave him.
He moved out after 13 years together (kids were 10 and 11 when he left). My kids know more about drugs than any children ever should. They are now 16 and 17 and happy. They are also very very anti drugs as they don't want to be druggy scumbags like their dad. They have very little relationship with him now. Drugs and partying still come first for him.
You are so so young. Don't be stupid like me and waste any more time with him. It's much harder to restart your life the older you get. Your little one deserves a good childhood.

PainCanBeBeautiful · 25/05/2017 21:08

It has an effect on brain cells that are developing. Once you are 21 it stops having a bad affect on them.

The typos are because of a phone issue and typing with my left hand, when I am otherwise right handed.

PainCanBeBeautiful · 25/05/2017 21:09

I wasn't discussing my favourite drug Hmm simply not believing in the bullshit of how "bad" it is Grin

HorridHenryrule · 25/05/2017 21:11

Weed and mumsnet no not weed and drug worker of course not duh. My partner was a alcohol and substance misuse worker he worked with ss and all other agencies. All drugs are addictive all it takes is something small to happen to upset your life. Professionals are not immune to falling apart and turning to the harder stuff to get a better high. When someone uses drugs or alcohol to calm themselves down what do you think happens when their life turns upside down, give up, no they get greedy for that high to forget their shit.

TheLegendOfBeans · 25/05/2017 21:13

Pain....

To think he must know his behaviour is wrong?
HorridHenryrule · 25/05/2017 21:15

That's a very sweet post legend.

PainCanBeBeautiful · 25/05/2017 21:15

horrid I do agree that you can become dependant if you are stressed as seeking weed as a cure.

I do also think that it has its uses and when used correctly it can be a source of enjoyment.

I don't think this of all drugs and I guess I view it in the same way as alcohol in which, it can be enjoyed when used properly and can be awfully addictive when used as a crutch.

WomblingThree · 25/05/2017 21:48

Pain seriously? No one on this thread wants to listen to you extolling the virtues of an illegal drug that causes this man to burn all his family's money, meaning they have to live in a cramped shit hole. If you want to pickle your brain, go ahead, but do it quietly yeah? No one on here cares.

MamaHanji · 25/05/2017 22:04

Womblingthree 👏👏

PainCanBeBeautiful · 25/05/2017 22:07

I didn't once condone his behaviour.. I simply stated that weed itself is not an issue.

ElphabaStrop · 25/05/2017 22:50

Oh Pain, enough. This thread isn't about you.

Weed is illegal. I don't care if it comes from a plant; that means bugger all. You are not being helpful in any way.

PainCanBeBeautiful · 25/05/2017 23:30

Fair enough. Less attitude would be nice though. I don't think I've come across harshly towards you?

EnidButton · 25/05/2017 23:45

LEAVE

EnidButton · 25/05/2017 23:46

Pain Let it go. Not the time or the place. Start a new thread if you want to discuss it but it's not helpful here.

KatieHaslam22 · 25/05/2017 23:57

You are receiving help for you mood disorder, and are actively trying to make yourself better. He on the other hand is just suppressing his emotions with weed! If he goes too long without a joint is that when he becomes moody and verbally aggressive? Like when you where out shopping? I bet my ass it is as I know many people who smoke it and get agitated when they haven't in a while, they say it isn't addictive but it is! It's probably not what you want to hear but your daughter listening to her daddy treating her mum like this can actually cause psychological harm to her (self worth/self esteem/confidence) and it certainly isn't helping you but I wouldn't rush things. Get the support you need from a councillor or womens charity and then carefully figure out how you are going to move forward! With mental health it is important not to rush decisions and you will need the support in place before you split. He clearly isn't going to change but it's hard to leave someone you love no matter how they treat you and you will need all the help and support you can get! Good luck, I hope you realise you and your child deserve better and are worth more than that! How would you feel if your daughter grew up and was being treated like this?

Atenco · 26/05/2017 01:12

It's hard to describe why I've stayed, I can't put it into words

Can I help? He has isolated you from your friends, used up all your money and undermined your self-confidence.

You are not the only one to have found it hard to get out of an abusive relationship, OP. I've been split from my abusive ex for over thirty years, but I still remember the fear of being alone and regretting the decision. But when it happened, I never had any regrets ever.

Shoxfordian · 26/05/2017 05:07

Hope you're feeling better this morning OP

I've read all of your comments and agree with the general consensus to ltb

Maybe your family can help you when you see them if you don't feel strong enough to do this yourself

lizzieoak · 26/05/2017 05:20

Aw Raincloud I'm so sorry to hear this. It appears you're with the twin of my exh. That is a sad and anxious place to be.

I used to look around at other people and was quite aware that the vast majority were not living like that. I thought I was the only one. Sadly I wasn't, but you're right, it's not normal.

I've been divorced over ten years & the first few months were stressful getting used to the change (we relied on his income), but since then there has not been a moment I am not filled with relief that he's gone.

He should not blank you, swear at you, edge you off sidewalks, kick off like an idiot over tiny things, make you feel the whole world is against you. Wtf is wrong with abusive partners that they do this?

Please find a women's aid in your area and chat to a support person. You're right, it is not normal, nor okay. It's not what you deserve. You deserve love and warmth and kindness. Good luck dear, we are rooting for you ❤️

sycamore54321 · 26/05/2017 05:58

OP, to pick up on one small thing amongst the many horrendous thing - many posters on here, me included, had never even heard the insult "flid" before. Yet this horrible word is part of daily vocabulary in your home, directed at you, by the person supposed to be your loving partner. Doesn't that tell you your situation is not normal, can never be normal, as long as this man is in your life? Please phone the helplines and leave him - whether that is kicking him out or getting your child to a shelter. Grown women with decades of life experience have never heard "flid". It might well be one of your daughter's first words unless you act definitively and quickly.

Best wishes.

bluediamonds · 26/05/2017 07:18

I think he does know that it's wrong. It's emotional abuse.

Hissy · 26/05/2017 07:58

If he knew and took on board the truth about himself, he'd know what a monumental arse he is.

His mirror reflects only what he wants to see. It's only the rest of us that see how ugly he is.

BadLad · 26/05/2017 08:44

If I ever need to hire a cunt, that CV will be unbeatable.

Just get rid. He seems to hate you. If there was bird shit on his car, he wouldn't think any less of it than he does of you. If you leave, he only be annoyed at the blow to his pride and the loss of house help. Apart from that, he won't give a shit. So dump him, pronto.

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