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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think he must know his behaviour is wrong?

274 replies

RaincloudReverie · 25/05/2017 13:47

We were in Homebase today looking for a fan. We live in a studio so I specifically stated that we shouldn't get a tower fan - one that goes on the table would be perfect. My OH proceeds to ignore the table-top fans - after I pointed out a couple, he had 'reasons for why they weren't good enough - and pick out a tower fan.

I asked him to think practically about where it would go, said I wasn't happy with it as it would clutter our flat up etc, and pointed out a table-top alternative.

Que him starting to walk to the till with it. Now, he was going to be using my bank card, because he basically spends all his own money on weed and has nothing left, so mostly everything household comes from me. I wasn't about to pay for that fan when we have no floor space as it is! I pointed this out. He put the fan back, saying "well if you're going to be such a dick about it then", and stormed out the shop.

I followed, asking him why he was acting so immaturely, throwing a tantrum because I said no to that particular style of fan? I tried reasoning with him, asking him where he thought that fan would go practically - he just shook his head and gave me the silent treatment.

He was pushing the buggy. I was in the left side near the carpark. He closed the gap between the buggy/him and the pavement, effectively forcing me off the curb into the car park. I tried to step back onto the pavement but he refused to move over. I nudged him, as if to say "hello?!", he didn't react. Didn't even look at me.

In the end I took the keys and walked home, leaving him to do the shopping on his own. I wasn't going to walk around Sainsbury's with my partner being completely blanked, with him speed-walking purposefully so that I struggle to keep up.

This is on top of this morning. He opened the bathroom door to let it ventilate while we went out. Instinctively, I shut it. I didn't even think. A simple 'Leave it open please', would have sufficed, but instead I got 'What the fuck are you doing you stupid fucking prick!' Completely irrational surely?

He overreacts about everything. He leaves his shoes hanging out from under the bed, so I slot then in nicely where they are supposed to go, to keep the room looking tidy. When he goes to get them on, instead of 'Where are my shoes?', I get 'Where the fuck are my shoes?'. Once I tell him where they are (behind a few pairs of other shoes, a little way under the bed), he says 'Well you can fucking get them for me then, creating unnecessary hassle as fucking always.'

I tell him not to swear at me so much, and he tries to justify it by saying 'you shouldn't act like such a fucking flid all your life then.'

Just a few weeks ago we were carrying the buggy down the block stairs, and just as we were leaving our front door I started a convo about this or that, benign stuff. I saw him pick the door keys up. As we were going down the first floor, he realised he'd left the keys indoors. Now, apparently this was 'my fucking fault' because I 'distracted him by talking shit in his ear'.

When we're out and someone bumps into me, even when it was evidently the other person's fault, he looks at me with contempt and says I'm a 'fucking dickhead, getting in everyone's way'.

I'll admit, I'm one of those annoying people who inadvertently make animated facial expressions and hand gestures while talking about things important to me at the time. If I do this in public, he tells me I 'Look like a fucking weirdo, everyone's looking at you, everyone's looking at you thinking what the fuck is wrong with you'.

He reacts to completely average occurrences involving me with 'Oh fuck off then you slag/cunt/prick/mental faggot' etc.

He really thinks it's me that's the problem, though. Surely not... He must realise? How can anyone who behaves like that genuinely think it's normal? Hmm

OP posts:
RaincloudReverie · 25/05/2017 18:07

I will ring WA tomorrow. Need to do bath/bed for DD and don't want to have the convo with him around/her awake.

Going to visit family next week.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 25/05/2017 18:10

Right so, why don't you turn to him now on the sofa and say "I want you to leave now." Seriously, why not?

Do you know about codependency?

PsychedelicSheep · 25/05/2017 18:13

Please tell your therapist about how things are at home. It will be impacting on your progress to some extent and they should be able to help you.

You sound like a great Mum to me. Personality Disorder is a fucker of a thing to live with but it sounds like you're doing a good job regardless.

But it would be even better if you could get rid of this prick too! It's not your problem if he's homeless, it's his. He's a grown adult, he'll have to sort something out like everyone else.

Btw, the posters blaming this guys behaviour on his weed habit are wrong. I'm sure it's not doing him many favours but it's not given him a personality transplant. He'd be a wanker without it.

indigox · 25/05/2017 18:18

hoping I can bring him to realisation and that he'll change...

It will never happen.

DonaldJBottyburp · 25/05/2017 18:24

It will never happen

You might be right. Plenty of men are wankers of the highest order when baby arrives and need a fucking wake-up call about whether their nonsense will be tolerated chance to adjust their behaviour, but the presence of "spending all his money on weed" could be the clincher here. Many of us can tell a tale of a man going for years and years and years rotting away and never changing because of cannabis dependency.

WomblingThree · 25/05/2017 18:29

Well done Raincloud. That's the spirit. Remember, Women's Aid are there to help you.

When you go to visit your family, tell them everything and don't go back. They love you, and will understand. If I had a young family member tell me all this, I would do anything I could to help her. Stay strong. You can do this.

whatsthefuckingwrongwithyou · 25/05/2017 18:29

I doubt myself and worry how I'd cope alone.

This is the personality disorder talking. It makes being alone seem so scary.

But you won't be alone, you'll have your DD to take care of. And you won't have some fucker abusing you.

My ex said he loved weed more than he'd ever love me. He swore he'd never be violent. Then he swore he'd never be violent again.

You'll never feel more lonely than when you're trapped in a loveless relationship, scared that he's going to hit you again.

Being "on your own" is much, much better.

Goingtobeawesome · 25/05/2017 18:35

I couldn't even read your whole OP as it was just so awful.

Get out and get out now. He's horrible and so what that DD is a daddy's girl. She won't be when she grows up and sees what a shit he is to her mum and you'll feel crap when she allows a man to treat her with the contempt her dad shows you.

SquinkiesRule · 25/05/2017 18:42

Sweetheart it isn't you, it's him and it isn't your job to fix him or live in pain while you hope he wakes up and acts better.
Pack all your important paperwork and stuff when you go to see your family. Don't come back, he's not worth it, you and your daughter are. Be kind to yourself.

LightDrizzle · 25/05/2017 18:49

You sound very bright, just very trapped and beaten down.
There are positives: you may not feel it, but you are very young, your daughter is very young, if you can only find the strength and support to get him out, you can build the lives you both deserve.
You don't need the strength today or any day to do it all, just the strength to start it rolling and take it day by day.
WA will support you, SS and the police and the courts will support you however it is really important to be upfront about everything, including past and present mental health issues. These won't count against you, but concealment is always a red flag. If you take ownership of them, and say how he has said he will use it against you if you try to leave this abusive relationship, they will totally, totally get it. You need to get in first and disarm him, so when he pulls out what he thinks is his trump card, he is actually just confirming what you said he would do as a nasty, manipulative toe-rag.
He knows his position is weak.

AyeAmarok · 25/05/2017 18:50

If you are going to stay with family, alone with DD? Just don't come back.

LightDrizzle · 25/05/2017 18:54

You recognise your mental health issues and have taken active steps to manage it, you are seeking to exit an abusive relationship to protect your daughter from suffering the same upbringing you had.
What actions can Prince Charming point to to demonstrate his fitness as a parent? Did he pick up the services offered in the leaflets feebly given to you by SS? Is he in therapy or treatment? Is he fuck. He's screwed.

TheLegendOfBeans · 25/05/2017 19:13

I've just read this whole thread and the Op in full.

There are times when I wish I could reach into my screen and pull the OP out of their life and take them away from all the crap.

This is one of them.

PainCanBeBeautiful · 25/05/2017 19:36

I have great standards I just honestly don't believe that smoking weed is a bad thing or makes someone a vax person. That's my opinion and I am entitled to it.

Ok so £300 a month is a fair bit, he needs to cut down because quite frankly that is ridiculous when you have a child. Although certain areas etc do cost more.

Fair enough on the floor space argument and clearly he is a brand whore (I won't lie I can be slightly myself but if we can't afford it it doesn't happen).

angryladyboobs · 25/05/2017 19:43

If he won't leave, you leave.

Head back to family.

I'm gonna be that person that asks you do you want this for your daughter?.

If you stay, she'll grow up believing it's normal and ether end up with someone just like him or resent you for not standing up for you and her. X

PainCanBeBeautiful · 25/05/2017 19:48

Just to add he definitely comes across as extremely abusive. I know how hard it can be imaging what life on your own is like but you have one child and I really hope I don't come across as awful, but one child is easier to raise alone than say two or three. I think maybe you should leave him. Maybe change the locks while he is out one day because you need the flat way more than he does and call the police for advice in case he comes back demanding to be let in. You can get a restraining order if necessary. I've no idea how to go about that though.

PsychedelicSheep · 25/05/2017 20:37

Pain - I completely agree with you about weed, loads of my friends smoke and they're perfectly lovely people who are great parents and have professional jobs. It's not accepted on MN but that's fine, just one of the 'cohort beliefs' you get in any community.

No substance makes people into arseholes, not even alcohol which has a vastly greater association with anti social behaviour than weed does.

PainCanBeBeautiful · 25/05/2017 20:40

I completely agree sheep I think alcohol especially let's your inhibitions go, so if you are or can be a nasty person it will show more while being drunk.

Wolfiefan · 25/05/2017 20:46

Weed can have a real and devastating on mental health. It's illegal. And bloody expensive clearly from this bloke's habit. It's not like having the odd cheeky cider.

Wolfiefan · 25/05/2017 20:46

Devastating effect.
Effect!!
Oops!

whatsthefuckingwrongwithyou · 25/05/2017 20:46

This is not the place for a debate about weed or minimising the actions of an abusive drug addict.

A substance is an inert thing. This man behaves like an addict. Therefore it is totally irrelevant whether the substance is moral or not. It is about him and what he's doing to OP.

Using drugs makes people unpredictable. If they're addicted, their moods are unstable. This all intensifies abusive behaviour.

PainCanBeBeautiful · 25/05/2017 20:49

Weed is expensive partly because it is illegal and quite a risk to both grow and sell.

Long term use can have some side affects mental health wise but there has to be an underlying problem.

In moderation it is great and to be honest the "illegal" argument is a load of crap seeing as it is being slowly legalised throughout he world.

Also, it's a fucking plant! A plant that has been made illegal lol it's a bloody joke.

PainCanBeBeautiful · 25/05/2017 20:50

Weed itself is not addictive. The high is an the want for more is addictive the dry gitself is not.

In moderation you can function fine and be a great parent.

PainCanBeBeautiful · 25/05/2017 20:54

Jesus, the amount of typos in that lol

whatsthefuckingwrongwithyou · 25/05/2017 20:55

Start a thread if you want to celebrate your favourite drug. This is NOT the place.