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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think he must know his behaviour is wrong?

274 replies

RaincloudReverie · 25/05/2017 13:47

We were in Homebase today looking for a fan. We live in a studio so I specifically stated that we shouldn't get a tower fan - one that goes on the table would be perfect. My OH proceeds to ignore the table-top fans - after I pointed out a couple, he had 'reasons for why they weren't good enough - and pick out a tower fan.

I asked him to think practically about where it would go, said I wasn't happy with it as it would clutter our flat up etc, and pointed out a table-top alternative.

Que him starting to walk to the till with it. Now, he was going to be using my bank card, because he basically spends all his own money on weed and has nothing left, so mostly everything household comes from me. I wasn't about to pay for that fan when we have no floor space as it is! I pointed this out. He put the fan back, saying "well if you're going to be such a dick about it then", and stormed out the shop.

I followed, asking him why he was acting so immaturely, throwing a tantrum because I said no to that particular style of fan? I tried reasoning with him, asking him where he thought that fan would go practically - he just shook his head and gave me the silent treatment.

He was pushing the buggy. I was in the left side near the carpark. He closed the gap between the buggy/him and the pavement, effectively forcing me off the curb into the car park. I tried to step back onto the pavement but he refused to move over. I nudged him, as if to say "hello?!", he didn't react. Didn't even look at me.

In the end I took the keys and walked home, leaving him to do the shopping on his own. I wasn't going to walk around Sainsbury's with my partner being completely blanked, with him speed-walking purposefully so that I struggle to keep up.

This is on top of this morning. He opened the bathroom door to let it ventilate while we went out. Instinctively, I shut it. I didn't even think. A simple 'Leave it open please', would have sufficed, but instead I got 'What the fuck are you doing you stupid fucking prick!' Completely irrational surely?

He overreacts about everything. He leaves his shoes hanging out from under the bed, so I slot then in nicely where they are supposed to go, to keep the room looking tidy. When he goes to get them on, instead of 'Where are my shoes?', I get 'Where the fuck are my shoes?'. Once I tell him where they are (behind a few pairs of other shoes, a little way under the bed), he says 'Well you can fucking get them for me then, creating unnecessary hassle as fucking always.'

I tell him not to swear at me so much, and he tries to justify it by saying 'you shouldn't act like such a fucking flid all your life then.'

Just a few weeks ago we were carrying the buggy down the block stairs, and just as we were leaving our front door I started a convo about this or that, benign stuff. I saw him pick the door keys up. As we were going down the first floor, he realised he'd left the keys indoors. Now, apparently this was 'my fucking fault' because I 'distracted him by talking shit in his ear'.

When we're out and someone bumps into me, even when it was evidently the other person's fault, he looks at me with contempt and says I'm a 'fucking dickhead, getting in everyone's way'.

I'll admit, I'm one of those annoying people who inadvertently make animated facial expressions and hand gestures while talking about things important to me at the time. If I do this in public, he tells me I 'Look like a fucking weirdo, everyone's looking at you, everyone's looking at you thinking what the fuck is wrong with you'.

He reacts to completely average occurrences involving me with 'Oh fuck off then you slag/cunt/prick/mental faggot' etc.

He really thinks it's me that's the problem, though. Surely not... He must realise? How can anyone who behaves like that genuinely think it's normal? Hmm

OP posts:
ClemDanfango · 25/05/2017 16:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ElspethFlashman · 25/05/2017 16:09

His relationship with DD is amazing though... He's so good with her.

You mean when he's not treating her mum like a dog 24/7?

Jesus wept.

All these blokes have to do is smile twice a fucking day and they're Dad of the Year.

Vroomster · 25/05/2017 16:11

What are you concerned about with SS? They'll be concerned if you stay with an abusive person, not if you leave one.

maryann970 · 25/05/2017 16:11

This sounds like a pretty abusive relationship to me. He is being completely unreasonable.

blueskyinmarch · 25/05/2017 16:12

LTB. I say that as a social worker. He is bad news and being emotionally abusive to you. Whose name is your flat in? Do either of you work?

changingmylifecompletely28489 · 25/05/2017 16:12

"Spends all of his own money on weed". That should be enough, sorry, you have no excuses.

ClemDanfango · 25/05/2017 16:13

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AppleOfMyEye10 · 25/05/2017 16:14

His relationship with DD is amazing though... He's so good with her.

You are completely delusional. Do you really think that this an amaaazing environment for her HmmThe fact that SS were involved, doesn't that make you wake up.

saoirse31 · 25/05/2017 16:14

He's not a good father. If he was he wouldn't be abusing u verbally in front of her. He wouldn't be smoking weed to extent that seems to be all he does. When she's older, going to school say, is he going to be supportive, support her learning, support school? I'd say more likely he'll be an awful influence on her.

You love your daughter? Then leave him. Leave him before he makes her like him

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 25/05/2017 16:15

Please do something now, before he starts treating your beautiful dd the way he treats you. Because he will.

He is showing you, over and over again, that it is OK to abuse a woman, to call her vile names, to leach off her whilst spending his own money on drugs. Sooner or later he will treat your dd the same way.

And soon she will be old enough to see how badly he treats you - do you want her to grow up thinking that it is OK for a man to treat a woman that badly? Do you want her to end up with someone similar, because that is what she has learned is how men treat women?

These are hard questions, but you need to see that you and your dd deserve so much better, and that, whilst throwing him out would be painful in the short term, it will prevent worse harm in the future.

ClemDanfango · 25/05/2017 16:16

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SquinkiesRule · 25/05/2017 16:17

Call Womens Aid if you seriously want to leave him.
He's not a great Dad, great dads don't treat the mum like shit and she sees and hears it too. Do you want her to end up with a shit partner like him? Staying shows her this is normal and what she should expect when she is older.
Stop making excuses and be a good Mum by stepping up and ending this abuse.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 25/05/2017 16:19

"he basically spends all his own money on weed and has nothing left"

Leave him ASAP. His bullying, irrational behaviour will only get worse.

saoirse31 · 25/05/2017 16:19

You have to realise his life is not your responsibility. Let ss help him if he wants. But u don't have to be involved. U can walk away from him. Don't discuss it with his mother. Just say you've spent too long being abused and its over.

I can't understand ur fear of ss.

Gazelda · 25/05/2017 16:19

OP, you know this is wrong. Your DD would be much better off if you and her DF weren't living together. Her future will be much better if she doesn't see his abuse of you as the norm, doesn't grow up with persistent drug use as normal when money is scarce for other things.
Speak to your HV about your situation. Ask for her help and advice. Maybe approach Women's Aid to get support to get away from him.

NellieFiveBellies · 25/05/2017 16:20

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Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 25/05/2017 16:21

Rain either she will see what he does to you when she's older, and hate him, or copy what he does to you when she's older, and hate you.

Surely you know your child can hear the remarks, the swearing, the looks?

I am wincing at the thought of her growing up thinking this is normal.

Please take the advice of the sensible posters, and leave him. I actually think you will, not necessarily straight away, but pretty soon as you do actually know it's not ok to live like this and you have already left him once if not more times. Just do it one more time, it will be worth it.

amusedbush · 25/05/2017 16:21

we are quite isolated living away from family, I have no friends - I only speak/see them a couple times a year, and even then my OH doesn't like me doing that.

Does that not raise alarm bells with you? He wants you isolated so he can grind you down until you're totally reliant on him.

RaincloudReverie · 25/05/2017 16:22

Clem Apple

I have a personality disorder that I am in therapy for and take meds for. I was scared all through my pregnancy that they would take her away for my mental health reasons. OH has said he would use it against me if we split. I didn't tell them about the abuse when they were involved, they just new he smoked a lot of weed - they basically made me out to be the unreasonable one for wanting him to quit, and they didn't ask me to leave him. They didn't do anything - no CIN or CP. Think I still have the reports somewhere...

I didn't tell them about the verbal/emotional stuff, because with my mental health issues I was worried my OH would be able to twist them against me, or make them believe I'm a liar or something. Not sure why I thought like that, but I did...

OP posts:
KoalaDownUnder · 25/05/2017 16:22

His relationship with DD is amazing though... He's so good with her.

Are you kidding? Is this a joke?? He's a foul-mouthed pig who treats her mum like dirt. How amaaaazing is that.

Jesus wept.

BalloonSlayer · 25/05/2017 16:23

whereas part of me was hoping they would insist I left him because of his habit..

Yes it's everybody's fault but yours that you are still with him.

sykadelic · 25/05/2017 16:26

I want you to think about how you would feel if he was your dad, and your mum was you. Would you start to think being treated like that is okay? Would it make you think your mum is an idiot/have no respect for her?

Right now she's young enough she isn't doing anything "stupid" but do you really think he won't say those things to her too? Do you think it's okay to let her think that her dad treating her like that is normal? What will it do to her self-esteem?

I'm sure you love him, but he isn't what's best for her. He needs to get his shit together.

As for the poster who said smoking weed isn't the problem... it is. #1 he's practically taking food from his DD's mouth and #2 it alters your brain. Maybe he was always a douche, maybe it's thanks to the weed and when he isn't smoking it. My family member used to smoke it and the come down was awful, he was a real prick.

ClemDanfango · 25/05/2017 16:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AppleOfMyEye10 · 25/05/2017 16:28

Op think about yourself for a second, you know he is abusive for the very fact that you are asking shouldn't he know he is wrong. You know this. And you are staying in this situation. You know it's bad, you know he's abusive .

Now think of your Dd as an adult in the very same situation. With a man who treats her like this, and she sitting and accepting it. Because that will be her with the role models she has.

Sorry to be harsh, but you deserve much more than this. And so does your child. Don't fool yourself, she's absorbing everything like a sponge and this is what she will learn. He can't use your mh against you, you need to start taking action and valuing yourself much more.

TiredMumToTwo · 25/05/2017 16:29

LTB, you owe it to your daughter

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