To not know how to end this bloody difficult situation?

[TickingTimeBombx3]

Been meaning to write this post for some time now but it really hurts me to think of it and there's no easy solution to this. I have to make a decision about what to do and would like to know what people's advice would be. To cut a long story short DH and I met about 15 years ago and he chased after me for some time before we finally got together. Our different religious denominations has always been a sore point mainly due to family/tradition and what was expected of us actually, rather than our own beliefs as persons. I am more religious than he is but nevertheless we both thought we could rise above it and work through it. Wedding happened by having two separate services at the two different churches but there was some tension between our families at the time. Then the first child came and within days of her birth DH and I were arguing about how she cannot be baptised at my church it has to be his church as this is how he will retain the respect of his family/community. He said I should know when I married him this was the "done thing" and he also stated that could be a point that leads to divorce. I was very upset with him about this but didn't want to contemplate a divorce when we just had a baby. I could see that neither did he, he just said a lot of hurtful things as a reaction to the pressure he felt. I was broken. I really did want my DC to be baptised and never expected that it would come to this. After a lot of arguing without coming to a solution that would be acceptable to both of us he suggested that we shouldn't baptise her and stopped wanting to discuss it further. I was so sick and tired that I decided to keep quiet about this issue and work at getting the relationship back on track. I then did a terrible thing as I had my DC baptised at my church without DH knowing. I thought I would tell DH down the line when I had time to think if it and cleared my head.

Fast forward 5 years and we now have a lovely family, a stable relationship and another DC2 together who is a baby. I still have not told him the truth about DC1's baptism and not a day goes by without thinking of how he might react and how this could all brake our family/ happiness. I absolutely love our family and never wanted to put our happiness at risk. Now I would like nothing more than to baptise DC2 at my church but it would mean the same happening again as DH has reiterated he would not consent to having his children baptized. I know I made my own bed, but he also has never considered if I was happy with his decision not to baptise the DC and never tried to solve the problem with any of the solutions I proposed. When do you think I should tell him? I am so sad that I am faced with this awful situation and feel stupid that I didn't make sure we agreed on this issue before we got married.

Oh I'd love my kids to get into a heaven run by a God whose happy to turn away the babies of the unworthy.

I think you have to come clean, otherwise it will continue to eat you up. From a religious point of view no religion promotes lying as an acceptable action.
I'm sure your husband will be upset but it may not be as bad as you think and as you say it will come out at some point, sooner is better.

who's Sorry

It gets complicated because his Catholicism allows for my orthodoxy, but not vice versa.

But not so complicated that it stopped either of you having sex outside of wedlock with someone you were 'never all that serious' with . Funny that.

And now you both drag your DD off to two different masses every week because you are both so devout.

To get back to OP's original question, the Association of Inter-Church Families exists to support, advise and help couples whose members belong to different faiths, generally but not exclusively Christian denominations. DH and I found them extremely supportive in the early stages of our own relationship. Google can advise contact details.

LaLegue with all due respect, you have no idea the circumstances under which I had a child with that man. Do not go there.

I do not like that she goes to Catholic mass with him. I do not like that he gets contact full stop, but there's nothing I can do about that.

Well that's a convenient method of closing down a discussion that was getting quite awkward for you, isn't it? Puts me firmly in my place and gets you off a rather sticky hook.

LaLegue you are a cheeky so and so! its none of your business how or why Gaelic had a child with her ex!

OP I sympathise I'm a Catholic married to a C of E. I ended up getting ds baptised in their church to please the in laws (who can't bear Catholic Churches). I regret that decision to this day. Anyway my advice to you is come clean simply because it sounds like this is eating you up. If he loves you and his children then he won't tear the family apart over this, it's just not worth it.

QuinionsRainbow - I too would recommend the Association of Inter-Church Families, helped dh and I too. We got help from them before we got married and their help was invaluable regarding the issues of bringing up children with parents with two different denominations.

MissyB1 - just curious as to why you regret having your children baptised in the CofE, as the Catholic church fully recognises, baptism in the CofE as a true baptism!?

willitbe I'm annoyed that I gave in to their prejudices I suppose. The church we attend as a family is the Catholic one, which they despair about! They keep warning DH to "be careful in there as they are a funny lot!"

LaLegue you are a cheeky so and so! its none of your business how or why Gaelic had a child with her ex!

missy I never said it was and it's not even that that I am interested in - she knows what I mean and is just deflecting and obfuscating to avoid answering awkward questions.

I am interested in the disconnect between this apparent super strong faith they both have and the fact that the OP wants her DD 'closer to God' and yet she is happy to jump into bed with people she is not 'all that serious' with.

No judgement on that account from me, except that I find it hypocritical to get your knickers in a twist over which denomination of Christianity your child must be baptised into when neither you nor the child's father can manage to practice properly either way. It just seems bizarre to me.

Gaelic has more or less said that her DD (or any innocent child) risks being turned away from the gates of heaven if they die unbaptised or wrongly baptised, and yet she can sin in the eyes of her church and not worry about where she stands on that score?

I was engaged to an agnostic. Not what I'd planned, but it happened. We had the kids discussion, for what it's worth. He was quite happy for the hypothetical kids to be raised orthodox and he would come to church with me for pascha, Christmas etc. I was pretty happy with that. Fiancé and I then split very suddenly. I had been with him my entire adult life, he was my first real boyfriend and it was a huge shock. I met ex a few months later and stupidly thought a new relationship was what I needed. I was very, very naive. We were barely dating, we were a long, long way from the kids discussion, and he wasn't particularly religious at the time. He played the charming card then turned into an abusive cunt, had a terrifying hold over me and manipulated me into doing a lot of things I didn't want to do. We split for good after about 6 months, but within that period I tried to split with him more than once and kept crawling back. It was a really, really awful time.

No, I shouldn't have done it. Yes, I believe it's a sin. I was depressed and I wasn't coping and I got myself trapped in something I was too afraid to get out of. DD and I weren't exactly welcomed into church with open arms before all this came out, and even after people were judgemental. Which I absolutely don't blame them for, to be clear. But yes, I am well aware of the contradiction. But it was not something I embarked on in a mentally healthy state.

Back to the OP, I think he does need to be told. But how they handle it and how the second child is baptised is hard to say without knowing the denominations. If they're fairly compatible, I think at this point the fairest thing to do would be to baptise DC2 in his church, but really it should come down to where they worship. But I'm not sure how much room for negotiation OP will have.

But it was not something I embarked on in a mentally healthy state.

So were you a virgin then, when you met your DD's dad, or did you have sex with your fiancé? Because unless you were a virgin when you embarked on this ill advised relationship with this abusive man, then it's all a bit of an irrelevant story and again, only serves to completely obfuscate my point.

Look you don't have to apologise for having your child, or justify to some stranger on the internet why you had her, I couldn't give a stuff about that, or how many people you sleep with.

I just think that given that you have had sex (presumably with at least two people, neither of whom were your husband) it's a bit much to start spouting about what boxes innocent children need to tick in order to guarantee getting into heaven, should anything awful happen to them.

I don't care about your sex life, I care about the daft hypocrisy and the cherry picking from your religion as and when it suits you.

Wow, LaLegue. That's a pretty lacking response.

I'm really not sure why you're going after Gaelic so feverishly anyway - I don't believe there's any chance that unbaptised infants don't get into heaven, but I'm not offended if someone else wants to make absolutely certain of it by baptising their own child.

Oh I'd love my kids to get into a heaven run by a God whose happy to turn away the babies of the unworthy.

Infant baptism doesn't mean that the child will not go to heaven if they are not baptised. It really doesn't. Yes that's the traditional view of Catholics but has long been rejected.

OP you have told a really big lie for years. Most (if not all) who say it's no big deal are not religious but you are and so is your husband. I would be heartbroken if my husband did this behind my back. I don't know the solution but you have to be honest and be prepared to offer him a compromise which may mean a ceremony in his religion for both children . It may also mean your marriage is over but hopefully he will be able to drive you.

In future discuss these big decisions in advance. We discussed this kind of thing before our marriage, my faith encourages us to do that for obvious reasons.I know you can't do that now but have you discussed any further ceremonies within your respective religions (first communion etc.)have you discussed faith schools?

It sounds like you need a long talk with each other.

Look, no one's perfect and everyone does daft things - that's the whole point of baptism! It is troubling that you deceived your husband - ask yourself why that was. Is there something you need to sort out - an imbalance of relationship there? (Rhetorical ) I think its incredibly UNChristian to suggest you could get divorced over such a thing. That's not right at all. He sounds as though he's emotionally blackmailing you. In Christianity, you're not technically getting baptised AS a Catholic or a Baptist, or whatever, but as a Christian - one counts for all, so your child - should they so choose when they are older can become whatever denomination they want to....get confirmed, or whatever. The main thing is they join the faith. My best friend (a Confirmed Catholic) baptised my son in the garden as he couldn;t get baptised until he was six months - for various reasons. You can baptise your baby in the bath, of you want. However, there is the matter of Junior school - depends on which flavour you want the child to go to is a big decision in getting the child baptised in which church. But you do need to talk to DH - if he won't give an inch then maybe get DC2 done his way. I really don't think Jesus would want a divorce cause by a baptism! But DEFO talk to your minster and get some support - If it was me I'd talk to DH minister and then tell your hubby WITH the minister present. Best of luck XX

You do all realise all these cults are about is controlling people, especially women? It is all a load of MAN made rubbish, give it up you will be happier

OMG! I always say religion is the root of all evil and this utter nonsense confirms it!!! (I say "religion" is the root, not "God"). Do you ever think about how many people actually die in the name of religion?? Especially now, in the wake of Manchester?! Would you condemn the culprits of that atrocity, and yet, see your marriage die and your family shatter in it's name??????
Get on with your lives and be happy! If there is a God figure, in his infinite mercy & wisdom, he would not want you to be shattering your family in his name!! It is YOU and your conditioning that is breaking up your family.....BOTH of you, for "GOD'S" sake, get a grip!!! Think of your kids and what you're doing to their futures by passing down this legacy of torment! THINK ABOUT IT!
(Written with love)

Can the kids be baptized in both faiths and accompany both parents to worship. That way they can make an informed choice when they are older in either faith or none. I would not be able to forgive such deception. How would you feel if he did that to you?

Baptism, if done sincerely, counts - whoever does it.

The only problem will be if you apply for a church school in the future.

Bloody religion - supposed to be encouraging harmony and love and just creating divisions. Sigh.

Is this to do with Original Sin?

I don't really understand why, if he can have the children baptised in his church, you can't get them baptised in yours too. They don't negate each other do they?

Quite a few of my relative - staunch Catholics all - married non-Catholics. Not only did they have priests from both denominations conducting the marriage together, in one church, but they managed to to baptisms/christenings likewise. No idea how it worked as I didn't go to the baptisms, but the weddings were fine. I imagine that the two Priests sorted things out themselves.

If you are two denominations of Christianity I think you both need to pull yourselves together.

What a fabulous example of religion dividing rather than uniting. And within the same family unit. It's not entirely your fault - it has been passed down the generations - but if religion is meant to promote tolerance and understanding then in this case it is clearly failing.

As for your dilemma - if your god does exist then surely he/she will forgive you for your betrayal? And your husband's god will too? But I'm not entirely sure how this thing works