To not know how to end this bloody difficult situation?

[TickingTimeBombx3]

Been meaning to write this post for some time now but it really hurts me to think of it and there's no easy solution to this. I have to make a decision about what to do and would like to know what people's advice would be. To cut a long story short DH and I met about 15 years ago and he chased after me for some time before we finally got together. Our different religious denominations has always been a sore point mainly due to family/tradition and what was expected of us actually, rather than our own beliefs as persons. I am more religious than he is but nevertheless we both thought we could rise above it and work through it. Wedding happened by having two separate services at the two different churches but there was some tension between our families at the time. Then the first child came and within days of her birth DH and I were arguing about how she cannot be baptised at my church it has to be his church as this is how he will retain the respect of his family/community. He said I should know when I married him this was the "done thing" and he also stated that could be a point that leads to divorce. I was very upset with him about this but didn't want to contemplate a divorce when we just had a baby. I could see that neither did he, he just said a lot of hurtful things as a reaction to the pressure he felt. I was broken. I really did want my DC to be baptised and never expected that it would come to this. After a lot of arguing without coming to a solution that would be acceptable to both of us he suggested that we shouldn't baptise her and stopped wanting to discuss it further. I was so sick and tired that I decided to keep quiet about this issue and work at getting the relationship back on track. I then did a terrible thing as I had my DC baptised at my church without DH knowing. I thought I would tell DH down the line when I had time to think if it and cleared my head.

Fast forward 5 years and we now have a lovely family, a stable relationship and another DC2 together who is a baby. I still have not told him the truth about DC1's baptism and not a day goes by without thinking of how he might react and how this could all brake our family/ happiness. I absolutely love our family and never wanted to put our happiness at risk. Now I would like nothing more than to baptise DC2 at my church but it would mean the same happening again as DH has reiterated he would not consent to having his children baptized. I know I made my own bed, but he also has never considered if I was happy with his decision not to baptise the DC and never tried to solve the problem with any of the solutions I proposed. When do you think I should tell him? I am so sad that I am faced with this awful situation and feel stupid that I didn't make sure we agreed on this issue before we got married.

[UnaPalomaBlanca]

OP can you confirm which religions are involved as it might help us find a solution.
Also, how does your family practise religion/s in day to day life? Do you or your husband go to church/ temple/ mosque etc? Do you take the children with you? Do you observe any religious practises at home? Suppose what I'm asking is, are you bringing up your children according to a particular faith/ religion? Will they go to a faith school?
My (late) DH was Church of Scotland. I am Catholic. We married in the Church of Scotland because they welcomed me and fid not ask me to change. However, Catholic Church would not marry us unless DH promised to bring up children as Catholic- which he felt unable to do.
However, as a family we went to the Church of England and had our DCs baptised C of E because we both felt theologically comfortable there... so in some circumstances, there can be a middle way....
(However when my DH died, I went back to the Catholic Church. My children were not baptised again- as the Catholic priest said, they already ARE baptised , but we had a little ceremony during mass when they were welcomed to the Catholic Church and both have since made their First Communion)

[RingInTheNew]

BarbarianMum - I'm with you! Great way of putting it!

[Silencio]

More proof of the trouble religion causes.
Reminds me of King Solomon and the baby.
I really do not understand the mud slinging you are enduring on this thread.
You deceived a man you divorced by having the baby baptised. You were not adulterous. FFS what is wrong with all this judgy stuff?

[Loopy567]

I think you have been dishonest on two really important matters - your DC and religion. I don't believe in God but ex husband does so he proposed a naming ceremony for our DC which I was happy to accept. He said that DC would be covered anyway as he had been baptised (or words to that effect)until they were old enough to make their own minds up. As much I hate ex I would never go against him on such an important matter. I value honesty in a partner highly and had ex had done something like this it would have broken that trust. You need to be honest with him and tell him.

[damewithaname]

Let's look at it this way, you're both religious and praise a higher purpose for your blessings.. forgiveness is key in probably most religions so either way, it will be ok. You're being brought to this point because no matter in what religion you're from, the concept is to respect and honor your Husband. See they may be different religions but they are very similar in a lot of ways.

[Kleinzeit]

Now I would like nothing more than to baptise DC2 at my church

Is there really nothing you would like more? You wouldn't prefer saving your marriage, or the ability to tell your DH about DC1 and be forgiven and go forward together, if that meant you couldn't baptise DC2 in your church?

There are two decent ways to end this situation, but neither of them gets DC2 baptised in your own church.

1. You could say nothing about DC1 and agree not to baptise DC2. If your DH is proud of his compromise he will probably agree that DC2 can remain unbaptised as well as DC1. And then you keep the secret forever. This risks that DC1 will innocently have a second baptism later on, but hopefully God will forgive. Because you would not expect DC1 to keep your secret from his/her father, and you would not blow your family's happiness later on by telling all. And you would not compound the sin and deceit by having a second baptism which no-one (including the DCs) can ever find out about.
   

1. You could tell your DH (for all the reasons you listed) and hope your marriage survives. And in fairness and in the hope of rebuilding your marriage after your deceit you offer to have DC2 baptised into DH's church, or to do whatever else he decides is best to resolve the situation.
   

Good luck.

[Epipgab]

Assuming your DH gets over the shock of finding out... how about having a blessing ceremony at his church? I went to a church blessing for a couple who'd married in a registry office, and it was a really nice occasion. Surely God would be fine with your family being blessed ?

[LittleBooInABox]

I had my DS baptised, Church of England without his fathers knowledge. He left us shortly after, (different reasons) and I have never looked back, he doesn't see DC so the way I see it, it isn't his problem.

I'd tell him, if you want to make your marriage work. Tell him.

[Squishedstrawberry4]

It's ridiculous he wanted the baptism at his church because he's a man. Ridiculous to back such silly male entitlement within the church. Ridiculous he would threaten divorce over it. Ridiculous you're both so ridged and uncompromising and unforgiving. It was ridiculous to baptise a baby without parental knowledge.

Let the kids grow up and make their own choices about being baptised. Or not.

[fvboyle]

Having no religion, but fully respecting anyone's right to have one, it seems to me that this does not augur well for Church Unity which I thought was currently the aim of most religions. Not to believe the same thing, nor even worship in the same way, but to respect each other's rituals and practices as being of equal value. It shouldn't be a cause for division but unity. Furthermore, keeping this secret from your husband in not something any Divinity would approve of, so you really ought to tell him and pray that the God you believe in will make it come out right because you have done the right thing. Then, may I suggest, you have your second child baptised in your husband's church. Thus you will act virtuously as well as express unity and respect for each other's beliefs.

[Plainlycrackers]

I find the matter of different Christian denominations marrying and the paths the couple then follow very interesting. I was raised under the impression that when a child is born they are given their father's name but they follow their mother's faith (I was born into a wholly CofE family and with a close relative being a clergyman). However... My BF was CofE and definitely had a faith but married a lovely man who comes from a very RC family. Their DC were baptised RC and she has now converted too. On the other hand in my own family there is a CofE/RC marriage, the wife is RC and Irish, husband is CofE and English... live in NI, RC wedding, one child baptised CofE the others RC but in reality the DCs (now adult) all consider themselves Christians and keep a foot in both denominational camps in a very tongue in cheek, take the mickey, kind of way... actually they are a darn good example to all about keeping perspective. I think you and your DH both need to examine what is most important for the two of you and your DCs rather than putting the feelings of other relatives and religious communities first. Whilst the past and family links need to be remembered, they should not be shackles for the future... your children are Christians, denominations are just window dressing really in the big scheme of things and ultimately it is their decision not yours.... and certainly not anyone else's.

[Soozikinzii]

To be quite honest I would just forget about it your lovely children and your marriage are much more important than some words said over some water .Obviously I am an atheist myself but really that is all it is and it's not even worth worrying over .The stability of the home you are bringing up your family is precious and valuable.Let your children decide what they believe xx

[Madwoman5]

I thought the Christian way was to bring your child to God as an infant and welcome them to the church community. Who says it has to be one church? If the two religions hate one another, neither of them are respecting their own good books. That is hypocritical. If you believe, God is God. End of. The only difference is in the interpretation of the book. I would be inclined to get a sneaky one in in your church for dc2 then Agree to get them both done at your dh church. When they are old enough, I wonder if they will turn away from prescriptive religion if it causes so much hate and upset?

[kateandme]

i really feel for you.i don't have solution but I no this must be difficult.will it ruin your marriage if you tell.will it ruin it if you keep it in and guilt will cause you then ripple effect you all more problems
couldn't you decide to have two things.or a family party or at home diy ceremony of your own making where you both stand over them,perhpas have little speech.with both families there?so its a welcome and blessing of sorts.
can you talk to someone on your side.so at least whatever happens next your not alone and have someone to discuss this with or then support you through the fallout.
I do worry if your husband finds out later he might take resentment out on dc1 and this could cause all tupes of terrible results for your dc1 mental health,could his dad then reject him or treat him different eg.

[Epipgab]

I thought the Christian way was to bring your child to God as an infant and welcome them to the church community. Who says it has to be one church?

The reasoning would be that for Christians, there's one God who is the same whichever church you go to.

(Ephesians 4:4-6) "There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called to one hope when you were called; one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all."

[Sara107]

I don't know what to suggest - I would be devastated to find out my partner had done such a big thing behind my back. I wonder how come his family were happy to leave it at no baptism if they were going to get so upset by a baptism in a different church. Anyway, here is what our priest told us when dD was bàptised. You can only be baptised as a Christian once in your life. It doesn't matter which church or denomination, you can't be baptised again. You can change to become a member of a different denomination but it doesn't involve another baptism.

[Westray]

You are both being very arrogant.

Leave the poor kid alone.

Maybe she would prefer to be of a different faith from either of you or no faith.

Let her decide for herself when she is older.

[Littlenic73]

My husband and I grew up in different denominations but the way we see it, church is church and it's the same God. DD was baptized in DH's family's local RC church and then blessed in my family's church (URC) (where we married) DS was baptized in our local church (C of E) and then again in his family's (RC) when we went to see them a year later so everyone was happy.
However, I also know ministers who haven't baptized their own children as infants at all, leaving them to make their own decision when they were older (so as not to inflict their beliefs on their children) and some who just haven't got round to it.
It probably is better to be honest with him though as it's never good to have those kind of secrets from each other.

[MapMyMum]

Is the Baptism important to you because you want to be sure his/her soul goes to heaven if something happens? If that is your worry then go ahead and baptised dc2 yourself. However what happens when dc1 comes of age to do communion/confirmation (depending on which religion you are)? Will she do it or not? If youre not interested in the other sacraments for now then I wouldnt be in a rush telling tbh.

[Roversandrhodes]

Why would you force a child into any religion ? Don't involve your kids in your religion until there older and able to understand what it actually means ,solves your problems wondering what to do for a few years at least .

[TickingTimeBombx3]

Thanks to everyone again. I read all posts carefully and agree on a lot of points raised by you. Just to reiterate I gave a lot of your solutions as options to DH at the time, before baptizing DC1 i.e. having two ceremonies, blessing in each church, baptizing abroad away from community etc. He didn't want to know about it in case his community saw this as a weakness as all other males in his family followed the prescribed model (i.e. Follow mans denomination). I also just want to stress that we ended up not baptizing by default of not coming to an agreement, not because I said to DH that I was happy with that. I just couldn't take any more arguing. It would and nearly did lead us to divorce if we carried on. Funnily none of his family stepped in to help out and even the most religious of them never advised that it would be better to baptise in my church than none at all.

I am orthodox and he is Catholic for those asking. Where we live baptism is a big thing and nearly everyone has it done. I don't think that having DC baptised one in each church 'solves' the problem and I can see potential bigger problems when they grow and start wanting to understand why one received different baptism than the other. Of course I will let my DC decide what, if any religion they follow when older. However I would like to teach them faith because religion has been a source of strength for me through difficult times.

[TickingTimeBombx3]

Anyone got some tips now on how to tell him if I decided to do that?

[callmeadoctor]

Without wishing to be too mean, really does any of this matter? You have 2 healthy children, in the scheme of things (and especially this week) that is all you should worry about!

[ladyinka]

Get your priorities right - first DH&DC and then church. Don't jeopardise the former for the latter.

I would not tell and not repeat the dishonesty with DC2. The deceit is your cross to bear, do not try to offload your guilt on to DH's shoulders. If your marriage breaks and your DC loose their stable home, are you really going to sleep better only because you no longer hold that secret?

FYI, we're mixed family also. RC (me) and CoE (DH). DP are RC and Lutheran - me and my DS ended up being baptised one of each. My DC are baptised RC and arrend CoE school. Never any issue. We all celebrate together and make sure that all voices are heard at wedd, baptism etc in ecumenical way.

Just choose to focus on what connects you and not on what divides you.

[Bargainqueen]

Hi op,
It makes me so sad to read that yet again, religion is the cause of so much trouble. I applaud you for letting your children make the decision about religion. Please also consider that they may not want to follow any.
To me this isn't about religion. It's about the lack of respect you have. You both came to a stale mate. A decision you could not agree on- at that time.
Instead of waiting, thinking that maybe down the line one of you may feel differently about things, as your child gets older and you experience things as parents. You decided to spend the next 5 years of your amazing family life living a lie.
People saying that you shouldn't tell him are shocking IMO. HE didn't go behind your back. He still believes that sadly you couldn't reach an agreement. His reasoning for the baptism may be silly (It sounds it to me that it's more about him being pressured, than that he actually cares what you decide and he clearly has a problem with his ego in this situation), but the bottom line is that you basically didn't respect him enough as a person to care what he thought. The urgency for the child to be baptised is a cop out.
After 5 years as parents perhaps you could have spent that time looking into better solutions. (Google is a wonderful place). Instead you rushed out and did it behind his back, never mentioned it again but remained guilty, and now you're back to square one.
You should tell him and then you should deal with the consequences. Let him decide if he wants to be married to someone who at the first sign of a disagreement, goes behind his back and gets their own way.
There are more solutions to this and like I said, you could have looked into it more- thought outside the box, done your research, found people in similar situations and what they did and if you still couldn't find one, then I would be considering if the respect and loyalty for your DH was more important to you than what you believed was right for the child you conceived together and are both parents of.
It's inevitable that you were going to hit problems. You married someone with different beliefs. So to me you needed to realise that in terms of both of your religions, you were always going to have to compromise. you too could be feeling proud like your husband, that you made the decision to not have your children baptised, and are letting your children make that decision for themselves. Instead you are wrecked with guilt.
I don't think that there is an easy way to tell him. I would prepare yourself for a tough time. He will feel betrayed, he will feel that he has lived a lie. It's up to him to decide what he wants to do. You've taken one decision from him, please don't take this one away from him. Especially as it's his own life this time. The best you can do is show him how sorry you are.
If you do decide to continue lying, he will find out in the end. Be it 5 years or 15. It will come out. If you are so burdened after 5 years, imagine how you will be after another 50 of you're fortunate enough.
I wish you luck.