To not know how to end this bloody difficult situation?

[TickingTimeBombx3]

Been meaning to write this post for some time now but it really hurts me to think of it and there's no easy solution to this. I have to make a decision about what to do and would like to know what people's advice would be. To cut a long story short DH and I met about 15 years ago and he chased after me for some time before we finally got together. Our different religious denominations has always been a sore point mainly due to family/tradition and what was expected of us actually, rather than our own beliefs as persons. I am more religious than he is but nevertheless we both thought we could rise above it and work through it. Wedding happened by having two separate services at the two different churches but there was some tension between our families at the time. Then the first child came and within days of her birth DH and I were arguing about how she cannot be baptised at my church it has to be his church as this is how he will retain the respect of his family/community. He said I should know when I married him this was the "done thing" and he also stated that could be a point that leads to divorce. I was very upset with him about this but didn't want to contemplate a divorce when we just had a baby. I could see that neither did he, he just said a lot of hurtful things as a reaction to the pressure he felt. I was broken. I really did want my DC to be baptised and never expected that it would come to this. After a lot of arguing without coming to a solution that would be acceptable to both of us he suggested that we shouldn't baptise her and stopped wanting to discuss it further. I was so sick and tired that I decided to keep quiet about this issue and work at getting the relationship back on track. I then did a terrible thing as I had my DC baptised at my church without DH knowing. I thought I would tell DH down the line when I had time to think if it and cleared my head.

Fast forward 5 years and we now have a lovely family, a stable relationship and another DC2 together who is a baby. I still have not told him the truth about DC1's baptism and not a day goes by without thinking of how he might react and how this could all brake our family/ happiness. I absolutely love our family and never wanted to put our happiness at risk. Now I would like nothing more than to baptise DC2 at my church but it would mean the same happening again as DH has reiterated he would not consent to having his children baptized. I know I made my own bed, but he also has never considered if I was happy with his decision not to baptise the DC and never tried to solve the problem with any of the solutions I proposed. When do you think I should tell him? I am so sad that I am faced with this awful situation and feel stupid that I didn't make sure we agreed on this issue before we got married.

[TickingTimeBombx3]

Thanks again for your responses. In my view there are 4 main reasons to tell him now: 1. He may want to actually be present for his DC2's baptism 2. I would sleep better at night 3. If he might leave me over this then he might as well do it now rather than 10 tears down the line and 4. The children will start asking soon and would hate to lie to them too.

The reasons against are those suggested by most of you but mainly the fact that the peace and unity of this family could be at risk of breaking down if DH left me. I would do anything for my children to grow in a happy environment and I am sure so would DH.

[humblesims]

But you are not at peace and there is no unity. The four reasons you list for 'fessin up' are good ones. If you marriage is strong it will survive. I think you need to tell him

[Arborea]

Gaelic said Our two branches of Christianity hate each other

Which are these? It doesn't sound very, umm, Christian to me? DH and I are in a mixed religion relationship too, but the RC person was only asked to bring the children up as Catholic as far as possible within the sanctity of our marriage (or words to that effect): i.e. the marriage comes first.

[BarbarianMum]

Wow OP, that is quite some betrayal. I love the fact that so many posters are blaming him, presumably for not just doing what he was told in the first place.
My parents were Lutheran/Catholic. They agreed not to baptise us but let us chose and they stuck to it.

[oleoleoleole]

You can't do anything to change what you did. However nobody needs to know. I wouldn't tell him simply because you could lose him. Let it go and confine it to the back of your mind.

[nannybeach]

In the COE baptism and christeing are the same thing, although baptism is a Catholic ceremony, (I assume you are Catholic, then) Yes, you should have had this discussion BEFORE marrying. Of course, they ARE biblical events. You both need to be on the same page on these things, you are daft to have done this, it will probably come out at some stage. I have been to lots of christenings, where people make these "vows", certainly dont uphold them, I have known atheists become God parents, which is ridiculous. People are always asking me if I "believe" in God, but it is purely that its a belief not a fact. However, my children did not have these ceremonies, I explained to them when they were older it would be their choice, my youngest DS said he would have been furious if I had, because he had no say in the matter, (we were actually discussing circumscision) I had "religeous" parents, and made my own choice when I grew up, about what to "believe" in or not as the case maybe, but I think Smitff has hit the nail on the head, if you did indeed manage to arrange this ceremony and have it carried out ,you have to live with the guilt, and your DH would be angry upset your lied broke his trust.

[KathyBeale]

As an atheist I am slightly bewildered by all this but I was wondering which church you go to? Where do the children go? Because that would be the one that takes precedence, surely?

But also, and I don't mean to offend anyone, how would anyone know? I'm in my 40s and I was christened in a Catholic Church 400 miles away from where I now live. The priest wrote the date and signed it on the back of my birth certificate, but is that the only record? If I wanted to pretend I had/hadn't been christened it's presumably not very hard? It's not an official thing is it?

[user1471545174]

Are both denominations Christian? I am reading OP as Catholic but her DH as maybe not a Christian religion. What he is would influence the interpretation but may be too outing.

[Screwinthetuna]

I wouldn't tell him. It's not like it's done anything physically to the child or you have to send in their baptism certificate to get them into a school. With your DC2, I wouldn't do it again. It's sneaky and obviously means a lot to him. Why risk your marriage?

I had my both my children baptised together, as Catholics, when neither myself or my husband are Catholic and neither are any of our family. I did this as to stay in the school they're in, they have to be Catholic. It's not rammed down their throats at school, just a really lovely school and there is no harm done. Bet I will be flamed for that! If there is a God, he gets that I just wanted the best for my children. The same as your God will understand and love your children no matter if they are baptised or not.

[alltouchedout]

he is proud that we didn't baptise them as he feels they should be able to choose when they grow up
When you tell him the truth he's going to be pissed at your deceit and betrayal. How would you feel if you'd stuck to the agreement and he'd gone behind your back and broken it?
Your dc can still choose for themselves though. Whatever you had done to them as a child without a choice, means nothing in terms of who they decide to be and the life they choose to live when they grow up.

[JamieXeed74]

YABVU. You feel great guilt for what you have done and now you want to off load that guilt onto your husband. Although it seems you are not even sorry as you want/plan to do it to your DC2.

The obvious solution was to wait until your children where adults and able to choose themselves. Most religions I know consider joining the wrong faith reason to be sent to hell. So if your DH (and his family) actually believes in a God then he might consider your baptizing his DC into the wrong faith has condemned them to hell, which will be very distressing to them.

Keep the secret and take it to your grave, its your bed, lie in it. Your DH has risen above your religious differences, you haven't. If you genuinely want to make amends then offer to have DC2 baptized in his church and then you will have one each.

[minionsrule]

DH and I are different religions, DH is hindu i am christian, not catholic. We decided to have neither ceremony for DS and let him decide which path if any he takes. Personally OP i would lise the guilt but not tell him, as ithers have said its not really a binding contract when child was a baby. Unless you want to send to a catholic school of course

[Footle]

LauraMoon, just what I was thinking - the father probably did the same thing..

[WomblingThree]

Genuine question @sofato5miles, why? If you don't have a faith or follow a religion, or even believe it exists, then what possible harm can it do?

[sassymuffin]

I think you should tell him as soon as possible OP, you say not a day has gone by in the past 5 years that you have not thought about this and worried about the consequences of him discovering this secret. It is obviously weighing heavy on your mind and must be causing you a lot of stress, if you repeat this deception again with DC2 it will only get worse.

You admit to keeping quiet when your DH offered a compromise of not getting DD baptised at either church which may have led him to believe that you supported this option.

You later say that DH has never considered if you are happy about this situation and that he has never tried to solve the problem with any of your suggestions. This may be true but you have behaved in exactly the same way and it is now a moot point as you deliberately went and had your DD baptised in secret in full knowledge that your DH did not wish this to happen.

It is a difficult situation but I hope that by telling the truth you and your DH can work through it.

[GaelicSiog]

Baptism is literally the process of dying and being born again into a life embraced by God. You are born again into God's kingdom. Not saying everyone has to believe that, but that's why it's important for those who do.

Catholics believe we are all born sinful and baptism forgives us of those sins. My denomination doesn't believe children are sinful, but it does believe baptism is important to know God.

Do I believe God would refuse my child heaven because she wasn't baptised? No. Do I want to take a chance? Hell no. I grew up in Ireland during the Troubles. I know this world can be dangerous.

[willitbe]

You have to decide if your dc1 baptism was true for you. If it was and you are going to lead your child through the next stages of the catechism of confessions, 1st holy communion and confirmation, then you will need your child themselves to know when they were baptised, the church will require proof of the baptism. You will not be able to get your child through the rest of the catechismic stages without them or your husband knowing!!!!!!

If you are determined to raise your child in your faith with or without the support of your husband, then you need to tell him, so that he can decide upon his own opinion and reaction too.

You both made the mistake of not discussing this prior to marriage and children. But you have done something that is a breach of trust, and this will affect your marriage if carried through.

The alternative is to decided if the baptism you took your child to participate in, was not valid. (think along the lines of having a marriage annulled). This will only be the possible way in which you could even contemplate not telling your husband and child.

Don't even contemplate getting the second child baptised in secret, you are just compounding the issue.

[MrsPughSingsSleafordMods]

There are no approachable priests where we live to talk to

Well jeez your church sounds great, I totally understand why you would want to baptise your kids into that depressing scenario [heavy sarcasm]

You really should have stuck to the agreement and not had them baptised in either church. That was the simple solution.

I think you need to tell him and let the chips fall where they may.

[ahatlikeprincessmarina]

Sorry, but what a load of absolute nonsense. Religion has a lot to answer for.

[MrsPughSingsSleafordMods]

DON' T YOU DAREY!
Go to confession, fall to your knees and beg GOD for Mercy and forgiveness. Whatever you need to do. BUT DON'T TELL!!
YOU WILL PUT A PERMANANT "STAIN" ON YOUR CHILD!!
EVERY TIME HE LOOKS AT THAT CHILD - IT WILL BE A SYMBOL AND REMINDER OF YOUR BETRAYAL.
HE COULD COME TO HATE THAT CHILD IF YOU PUT THAT NEON LIGHT ON THEIR FOREHEAD,!! FLASHING 'BAPTIZED' 'BAPTIZED". "LIES AND BETRAYAL! "

Holy Shit! Quite literally.

[FizzyGreenWater]

He said to me if roles were reversed and I was the husband and him the wife his family would not have a problem with the baptism in my church as the wife should always follow according to their old fashioned customs.

he is hardly a church goer

If we lived in a place away from family/ community that would probably not had been an issue.

My sympathy for your H's point of view has evaporated.

[ALittleMop]

Blimey

Ok, cheerful agnostic over here.

It seems to me that your DH's objections are to do with status and conformity. (though these might have mellowed in time, but what he was saying early on about divorce seemed pretty manipulative and controlling). You seem more motivated by faith (or some of the trappings of it) than him.

Tbh I think it sounds to me like he suggested a compromise of letting the children decide for themselves (unless that is part of his particular sect of Christianity), and you've let him assume that you agreed to that compromise yourself.

[ilovegin112]

I'm sorry but I would've probably left my dh if he had gone and done that behind my back, it's an awful betrayal of trust.

What are you going to do in 10yrs time if your dc decides to join his religion are you going to just come out and say no sorry you're with my religion

[drspouse]

Sneakey Overdramatic much!

To those saying "you can't be baptised as a baby, it's not biblical" and "churches will just baptise them again" - if the OP is from a Catholic, Orthodox or other infant baptising tradition such as CofE then a) get over yourself, you don't have the monopoly on biblical interpretation and b) to the OP, this is THE baptism, you can't baptise again. Those are the OP's church's beliefs.

I don't think that your DH's church would be up for two baptisms either (your own church certainly wouldn't).

If your DC2 were however baptised as an infant into your DH's church then I'm willing to bet unless your DH's church is a seriously weird out there cult (maybe Seventh Day Adventists though I don't know if they have infant baptism), YOUR church would accept that as a valid baptism - all of the main denominations do - so if you are Anglican, they accept Orthodoxy, Orthodox accept Catholics etc.

I think I would tell him as if he reacts incredibly badly at least, as you say, you will know now.

If his tradition does baptise as infants, unless your tradition doesn't accept his tradition's baptism, I'd suggest "well now we have two DCs maybe we should baptise one in each tradition, they do accept each other's baptism after all". Then maybe drip feed that you have sorted out DC1 so it's his turn for DC2.