To not have children because of our dead parents?

[malfish11]

DH (recently got married) doesn't have any parents, they both died when he was 17.

My mum is dead and my dad has nothing to do with us really.

All I hear from people is that when you have children you need support. so is it unreasonable NOT to have children as we just won't have this and DH is out of the house 14 hours at a time when at work.

We have never had support with child care from either my parents or husbands and certainly wouldent be able to rely on them in emergency. I have regularly baby sat for friends so parents are not only support. Do what you want and dont put off as worried about no parental support. I know alot of parents who have no support off grandparents with many times due to grandparents still working, it is totally doable

Surely having children or not isn't really something you decide on the basis of if you'll have babysitters on hand? If you want children enough, you won't let a lack of parents stop you, surely?

If you want to work and or have nights out, you just arrange a childminder or babysitter.

If we had based having children on having help from grandparents, we wouldn't have had any - we have three

Just because you don't have a mum and dad, it doesn't mean you're not allowed to have kids, or that they will get taken off you.

And just because you do have a mum/dad, it doesn't always mean they're going to be the ones to help. They might not even want to. Every person will have someone different that will be 'support' - this doesn't have to be a parent.

I'm not saying it's easy to bring up a baby. It isn't. Whether you have 100 people around you, or just each other, it's going to be hard. And as soon as your pregnant, most people change how they are with you anyway.

If you can't cope and something was very wrong, then yes the baby can get taken away but this doesn't happen for no reason.

You sound very young and unsure about what actually happens when you have a baby.

My parents were dead when I had my children and DHs were older so didn't have them at all.and I managed ok. Not saying it isn't hard, it is but the deciding factor is really how much do you want kids. Are you prepared and happy to do it all without help because you have this need to have children or are you thinking of having kids because that's what couples do. An Aunt of mine never had children and was as happy as Larry, I would have been miserable without them. I think that is the deciding factor, not whether you will get help bringing them up. Obviously you have to be able to cope, but the availability of relatives is a minor detail.

My family are in one country, in laws are in another country, husband and I in a third. When our youngest was born we had moved just a couple of months earlier. I knew no one, had two under two and husband worked 12 hour shifts. We got by fine. You can absolutely do it without support. I actually can't imagine what it would have been like with help...

There are many other things to consider when making the decision. Basing it on something you've apparently read which says you need support is ridiculous. Do you want children? Are you able to support them? Do you have somewhere to live? Are you prepared to make sacrifices in your life to give them what they need? Whether or not you have a support network is way, way down the list.

My family lives miles away, we work full time and our daughter has a disability. We make it work and rarely have to call on outside help. But if your partner wants to be a parent then he might want to re-visit whether he needs to do 14 hour days. Him not being an active part of the family will cause you way more problems than not having a parent nearby.

Plenty of people have children without family support. My own parents were far from their families, we visited a few times a year, they certainly weren't any practical support for babysitting etc. Far more important were my mums "mum friends" whose children me and my sister were friends with and who supported each other.

If you don't want kids then that's fine, don't have them.

If you do want kids then don't let lack of grandparents to babysit stop you.

If you really want a baby and think you can cope alone all week then that's great.

I know I couldn't do it. I had galloping PND and could barely feed myself. I have loads of support but we're stopping at one as it's all so much harder than we could have imagined.

So yes, you'll be fine if it's what you really want. But it may also be very, very tough. Think about things like what if you were ill, could you manage? What if it's twins, etc.

It is a daft reason - just as many who still have parents have to look after them, rather than getting support. I was a single parent when i was caring for my poor mum in her last years, and I can tell you there is nothing more depressing than standing in Boots, utterly exhausted, with nappies in your basket both for your baby and for your disabled, incontinent mum.

If you want kids, have them. If you don't, don't. You will manage either way.

my parents died when my youngest was 3 and lived abroad anyway. No support from very ill inlaws.

You get by. Not worth not having child over.

Oh gosh no. If you want DC that's not a reason not to imo. You could have perfectly healthy parents only for them to get ill or die suddenly. There's just no way of knowing what's going to happen. Yes, support is lovely but support from GPs isn't something you can rely on even if you have two sets of fit and active ones. You could end up moving to another country for work or the GPs might decide they've wanted to travel the world all their lives and the minute they retire, book a round the world trip.

DH's parents died when he was in his early parents, my dad died when I was 17. When I had my eldest my 65 year old mum lived 150 miles away.

Of course its easy if you have grandparents on hand to babysit etc. But you can build your own support structures - the friends I made at antenatal classes were amazing, and still part of our lives 13 years on.

'buying in support' is more than Nannies/Night Nannies. For me it meant putting the dc in nursery even though I was a sahm because it was the only child free time I got. Through nursery we acquired babysitters (staff looking for extra money) so we could have occasional nights out.

Things like cleaners and ironing services are relatively cheap too. Just depends on where you'd like your help.

I didn't even have my parents growing up so knew I would be on my own. DH's parents local but we didn't want to be beholden to them as PIL functioning alcoholics. We managed by dint of throwing money at the situation. Now DC older and nc with PIL and tbh we haven't noticed any difference. We created a family who are now the support for each other because we put the work in and wherever we went, they came. Used to pay a teenage babysitter and took unpaid parental leave etc during school holidays. But as someone wise once said sometimes the cheapest way to pay is with money!

Why would you think no parents = baby might be taken off me?

Look, you're 23. Take some time to just experience life as a couple. This isn't something you even need to be thinking about now. As you progress in your career both you and your husband will be able to negotiate better hours or have more holiday to take.

If I'm brutally honest, and I don't mean this meanly, you don't sound like you're mature enough or in the right headspace to have a baby now if you can seriously be thinking about making such a lifetime decision based on your lack of parents.

dp and i live very far from both sets of parents. we would receive no support at all when having kids - emotionally, financially etc. but we are currently preg and very excited. i do have a couple of friends that would be able to help with meals and basic stuff at the beginning, but they have babies themselves, so not much support.

Having parents is no guarantee of support anyway. There are lots of threads on MN started by people who are shocked that their parents have no interest whatsoever in the grandchildren.

Support is nice, but you manage. My mum is dead, my dad's 93 and in a nursing home and DH's parents are five hours away, but we just get on with it!

I would have found it harder without the support of my parents. But way way more important than that is that a partner who is working those sorts of hour is going to leave you parenting alone a lot of the time. Which is fine if you can handle it. I couldn't have. It's not what we wanted

I agree with Elspeth and Mumchance, I think the key question is whether your DH is able and willing to modify his working/commuting hours so that he can do his share of the parenting. If both parents are available you can manage without extra support, but if he's working a lot you are likely to struggle without anyone else to help out IMO. I wouldn't fancy it, I think it would be lonely and hard work.

How does your DH feel about having children? Would he be willing to make any changes so he'd have more time for children/family?

Do either of you have siblings? Surely you must have one or two good friends who might be willing to babysit from time to time?

You said you don't have anyone who could look after the children if you died, but it's extremely unlikely that both of you will die, and even if your parents were still around they may well be too old to bring up grandchildren anyway.

Do you think the prospect of having children has stirred up some feelings of grief and sadness about losing your own parents? If so it might help to get some counselling to work through it.

AnotherEmma

Good post

We don't have support and we've never felt we have it hard. If you make a good team together, want children, and have a lot of love to give then you'll be fine.