To not have children because of our dead parents?

[malfish11]

DH (recently got married) doesn't have any parents, they both died when he was 17.

My mum is dead and my dad has nothing to do with us really.

All I hear from people is that when you have children you need support. so is it unreasonable NOT to have children as we just won't have this and DH is out of the house 14 hours at a time when at work.

We have parents or rather when we first had children, we did. They weren't particularly helpful, some have died, some live away, I look at people with helpful ones a little enviously. But still, not a reason to have or chose not to have your own children.
The only thing that matters is if you want them.

And good luck

Well night nannies are not for the masses. Also, while one child can be a shock to the system, it is the one time when you can 'sleep when they sleep' so night nannies might not be a great help for you anyway.

There are ways to be tactical about this. You can create a financial buffer zone and then think how it would work best for your family. A longer maternity leave, or a cleaner, or a childminder/ nursery who can take your little one for a few hours a week, sometimes little things like online shopping for food and general stuff can help.

None of these are necessary but if you are worried thinking about what you might be able to do now, might help. What would be best for you?

Congratulations!!
Who needs relatives when there is mnet anyway??

My parents had no support.

We just had babysitters when necessary.

Support is not essential, plenty of people are single parents without their own parents to help.

Zero support here as well OP.

Our parents are alive but all live on the other side of the country (for reference, Australia not England..so....a big country ).

Due to the age of my parents and the idiocy of DH's parents we have named another couple we are friends with as guardians of our baby should something happen to us.

OP, something we found was everyone says "you HAVE to....*insert random parenting advice here".
"You HAVE to have support, you just WON'T cope without it". Anyone you tells you that you HAVE to have something usually needed it themselves and they are projecting their problems onto you.

Thanks, that's really good advice :)

OP - how old are you??

23 :)

Fine not to have children if you don't want to. Just not wanting to is a perfectly good reason not to. But not having parents is a bonkers reason!

And if anyone says to you "oh you WON'T be able to do it without support" ditch them - they aren't a friend. A real friend will say "let me know how I can help in any way, I recognise you might find you want some more support when baby arrives and I'm happy to help".

Very young for kids. Live some life and have some fun first.

But not having parents is a bonkers reason!

I don't think so- for me it was one of the (many) factors what made me decide against. One of the best things about my growing up was having a large supportive family, and I would want my child to have some of that. Plus - if anything happened to me- who would love the child like I did?

"You HAVE to have support, you just WON'T cope without it". Anyone you tells you that you HAVE to have something usually needed it themselves and they are projecting their problems onto you.

I'm inclined to agree with this. DH and I have two DC with minimal support - both sets of parents are alive, but we only get very occasional help with the children from my mum. Everyone else made it perfectly clear that they had served their penance when it came to small children 30 years ago. In the end, it comes down to what support you think you might need - for me, having support means having some friends who I know I can sound off to, and DH thinking similarly to me/vice-versa regarding important childrearing decisions. As I've got to know other parents in the local area, I have at least one person who, for all I only me them because our DS's go to gymnastics together, I know I could ask to help if I needed it.

At the end of the day, everyone finds ways to make things work. The key is not dwelling on what you don't have and focusing on what you do have. I'd drive myself insane if I sat thinking about the amount of time some people I know get to themselves because their DM/MIL/whoever takes the kids regularly.

no nightnannies!!

It's not a good reason.

The only grandparent our kids have is my disabled mother who need support rather than gives it.

OH works long hours and often stays away on business.

I managed just fine. It really wasn't that difficult.

Oh and I agree with the others - enjoy your lives together a bit more first! I got married at 23 and we have only just had our first baby 8 years later. We had a wonderful 8 selfish years to ourselves You're so young. Go travelling together, make some memories and build your relationship.

He doesn't have to give it up, he just needs to modify his working practices/explore whether he can work flexibly or part-time/travel less/ change jobs. DH and I have eight degrees between us for our lines of work, but it was abundantly clear that if we wanted to see anything of our child, we needed to make significant alterations. We're both career-minded and ambitious, but neither of us wanted to have a child we didn't see, so we switched things around. Your DH needs to realise that if he wants a child, there are things he will need to re-prioritise, unless and I don't recommend this you want a child enough to pick up all the slack.

Definitely this!

We did it without support, but whether you can or want to do it is entirely up to you. It's hard work, especially if your partner is not supportive or not there (mine was away a lot - came home weekends only for 3 years in fact - and unsupportive), but my childraising duties never felt ridiculously hard to me, and I know people with parents nearby who have probably struggled more. In my case it helped that a) I like children, b) I didn't mind not working when they were small, c) I managed to get a job working from home later and d) the kids are pretty easy-going types. A large or strong circle of friends would also have been good.

If you just don't want to have kids, though, just don't. No sensible reason required.

most people do not have parents close to them. When our children were young we relied on other mothers who also needed babysitters, etc. Once you have children you make more friends locally. As said before don't have children if you don't want them but make sure it is a joint decision.

Yabu, having parents around doesn't equal support. There are plenty of people that have no support and have parents.

When we first had dc, parents lived 200 miles away. Our childcare was nursery and we took days off work if one of them was sick. We still have the same set up and we live nearer now.

Who needs relatives when there is mnet anyway??

Whaaaat - have I been missing something all along? Where do I click to get a few hours' kip while toddler DS is downstairs screaming for breakfast at 5.45am??

Seriously, someone show me the link. Pleeeeease.

What a fatuous thing to say.

When we had DC we didn't have family support in a practical sense - we were a few hours drive from my parents and a flight away from ILs so they weren't around day to day. DH also worked long hours and a lot of travel.

It was hard work but perfectly doable, I had a great group of friends who were all in similar positions and we supported each other! Those first few years before they all started pre-school and school were such a happy lovely time for me.

I did really value the emotional support though, even if my mum wasn't there I could always ring her and ask advice or have a rant

I gave up work when my kids were born.. far easier that way.