To not have children because of our dead parents?

[malfish11]

DH (recently got married) doesn't have any parents, they both died when he was 17.

My mum is dead and my dad has nothing to do with us really.

All I hear from people is that when you have children you need support. so is it unreasonable NOT to have children as we just won't have this and DH is out of the house 14 hours at a time when at work.

"it's extremely unlikely that both of you will die"

...before your children grow up, I mean

Between DH and myself we only have 1 living parent - who lives on a different continent! The remainder of our parents died long before we thought about having DC.

Yes, without any help at all it's trickier - but you deal with what you've got. It's meant that after becoming parents for at least a decade we literally never went out on our own. Once children are older it's easier though - make sure you encourage good friendships at school and get to know the parents well. Also make sure that you have your fair share of sleepovers at your house - so that you can bank a few favours for when you really need to go somewhere without your DC!

Not having parents doesn't mean you can't have children; even if your parents were all alive and nearby they may not have wanted to help out (there's always plenty of threads about such things). Personally, I find the general lack of PIL in my life a bonus as it's not possible to have any arguments with them

I'm another person with parents who require care and money, rather than provide it. We were taken aback when we moved into this house at the sheer number of people coming and going on the average weekday at the house across the lane from us, when the three children were at school and both parents at work. It emerged that three of the four grandparents live close by and are to me insanely hands-on -- I think all three are there most days at different times, cutting the grass, walking the dog, hanging out washing, doing housework, ironing, cooking etc. Actually, I'm still gobsmacked by it.

YANBU to not have dc for any reason.

It's perfectly do-able with no GPs etc in sight, or close enough to help. As Some says, you can swap favours with friends (we did this a lot).

DH was around quite a bit when our eldest was little, but at one stage I had three DC aged 4 and under and he was out of the house 13 hours a day, every weekday. It was hard work, but we managed.

if anything happened to me- who would love the child like I did?

Nobody is going to love the child like you. They will love him/her in different ways. In the same way as you would love your different children differently. FFS.

I'm a single parent to my DS (now 4). I have no support at all and also work FT and care for my disabled DM.

Is it easy? No, not always. Is it worth it? Yes, 100%

Agree with the previous comments that you can manage without family support nearby. However, the things that have made this possible for us are:

• Being older parents, which means we're more confident about what we're doing in general, have a better financial situation (bought house, saved for maternity leave), and don't feel we're missing out on fun holidays/ nights out etc as we've done all that. Makes life easier if you're not stressing about money and have fear of missing out, as the young people say
• Made an effort to make new networks of friends with children. This meant going to an antenatal course and going to many baby groups while on maternity leave (both of these are often sneered at on MN) and making the effort to be sociable (not my natural style!). I now have a good group of friends from these, and several acquaintances where we haven't become as close but still chat when we meet up at groups. We have a babysitting arrangement with friends so we can have the occasional evening out while they babysit and vice versa.
• Both having family-friendly jobs - flexible and not having long hours. This does mean lower pay, but it's worth it to be able to spend more time with our daughter. I agree with previous comments that your husband's job means you will be left feeling as though you're solely responsible for childcare, and that is stressful. Don't assume that you need to make all the changes to accommodate a child! He should be willing to change his working hours to be able to do his share.

DH and I lived 5,000 miles away from our family when the DC were born, all my friends were at work and didn't have children. We managed and we have twins.

Millions of women all over the world have managed to raise vast numbers of children without the benefits of electricity, running water, and hygienic housing over roughly the past 100,000 years. What makes you so incapable that you can't manage in a first world country in the 21st century? Precisely nothing. You are as capable as any other functioning adult. Which is what I used to tell myself when freaking out at the prospect of caring for newborn twins.

It sounds like you know a bunch of wannabe heroes. It isn't very heroic to say 'Meh, it's a bit rough for the first year or so, then it gets easier' when you can really pile on the horror of having to change a nappy at 1.00 a.m.

DistanceCall
"FFS"? Really?! To someone who has clearly suffered from the early loss of her parents and is understandably worried about her own children suffering the same?

I know AIBU isn't exactly known for insightful and empathetic responses, but really.

OP just because people have parents near by doesn't mean they have support

Plenty of people's families cause more problems than they solve!

I think support is important but I think support can come in all sorts of forms.

When you say you have no support - what about friends? You could join antenatal groups, bumps and babies groups, toddler groups. That's all support. You will be supported by a midwife and then by a HV too. There are dad's groups out there too.

You can get support from childcare - you could get a doula, a night nanny, mothers help. There are playgroups and childminders and pre schools and nannies for if you want to return to work if you find being a SAHM too intense or monotonous.

Or you can bring in other forms of help like cleaners and gardeners, or rely on ready meals or ready to cook meals for a while.

It's certainly harder without help but it's not impossible. My DH returned to work immediately after children 2 and 4 - literally the next day, and it was hard but we coped.

We have some friends but no one I could expect to have a baby for us if we died or something

Still a better situation to be in than having bad family members around who you are terrified would emotionally damage your kids if they got their mits on them if you died!

The way I see it you're in a "neutral" situation, some people have a +ive: supportive family and safety net, others have a -ive/deficite: familiy members that cause nothing but distress and stress.

Both mine and dh's parents have died. To be honest when they were alive we were their support rather than the other way round; dependent children and dependent parents.
Whilst I miss my parents it is also nice to only have to concentrate on the children.

The chances of both parents dying while the children are small must be very, very small.

Support can come from friends, and can be brilliant. Of course you may need to give support to friends, so it is not necessarily as easy as it may be from parents.

I had dh but no one else when dd was little. We never really left her with anyone until she was a bit older.

The only question really is do you and your dh want kids. Can you give them love and attention, and support them.

Plus I'd say if your husband does want a family he may need to re-think such long working hours. 14 hours out of the hours non stop for years will probably affect your marriage so better to think how to change that with time.

All the best.

Sources of support is something to consider. One option is making use of local childrens centres and NCT and other baby groups, making as many parent friends as possible, and creating a network where everyone helps (in reality, you make a few friends who you can call on).
Or you save sufficient to afford babysitters and to send a child to nursery.
If you don't have grandparents and aunties on tap to look after kids all the time, consider where you live - somewhere where there's lots of people with family abroad or a long way away is likely to be better than a place where familes have stayed put for generations and the local schools and all assume there's always someone available to babysit.
Save money up now!

I would want to make sure I had very good support from either friends or family in place. I would be especially scared of getting PND and ending up in a MH hospital, without someone around to help with the baby.
I have very bad mental health problems and would be terrified for my sanity if I had to wean myself off my meds in order to get pregnant, carry the baby and then breastfeed. A woman I knew from MH support groups came off hers in order to TTC and ended up sectioned for months.
So I don't have kids!
My DSis, who knows about my long history of MH problems, says I am 'selfish' for not having any children. But I would be so scared of f&cking up the next generation of children because of my own issues! I think I am better as an aunt and then I can pull back if my MH gets worse.

"Well, I don't know anybody else with dead parents. Not saying they don't exist but personally I don't know any. Just frightened about not being able to cope and having the baby taken off me or something."

No one will take your baby off you, really, I am sure you will do a fine job of parenting. It is very rare for parents to lose their kids and if you did have any issues, support could be put in place.

ASorry if I am on the wrong track but I think you need a bit of counselling to process the death of your parents, or to reprocess planning to have a baby in light of your parent's death.

You seem a bit preoccupied with death... "We have some friends but no one I could expect to have a baby for us if we died or something."

We had to make a will deciding what would happen to our child if we both died. We did it when she was 1, she is now 12 and we are both still here, it is quite rare to lose one parent as a child and even more so to lose both. I know because it happened to you that you are very aware of it.

We chose my sis to look after our kids but I could easily have chosen my closest friend, I got to know her after dd was born, we live close by, she is a great mum and if my sis was not around and both dh and I died, she would get our kids.

But as I say, there are no signs anyone will get our kids but us. That is the norm for most families, honestly.

DH is a doctor, he needs to work long hours.

I don't think I am immature. DH wants us to think about having a family soon but I am concerned we have no support.

We have two children with no family support anymore. We have also had to go through done very tough times

What do you think you actually need in terms of "support" OP?

My parents live in the USA and my in laws 300 miles away. You will develop your own support systems with friends (which you may not yet have). some of my best friends still are people I met a baby groups 25 and 15 years ago!

Great post from Mumchance about adapting work when kids come along.

OP "I think people are just being nice but I'm taking it to mean I shouldn't have children!"

It is really your and your dh's choice whether to have kids or not!

I think (puts amateur physiologist hat on!) that part of you is a bit scared to have kids. Join the gang because lots of people are! But your history of losing your own parents has really made this more so in your mind. I know two women who lost mums at certain ages, and both felt a significant milestone when their children got past the age they were when their mums died or they got past the age their mum was when she died. It must be tough but is not insurmountable if it is what you want.