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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have children because of our dead parents?

450 replies

malfish11 · 24/05/2017 13:43

DH (recently got married) doesn't have any parents, they both died when he was 17.

My mum is dead and my dad has nothing to do with us really.

All I hear from people is that when you have children you need support. so is it unreasonable NOT to have children as we just won't have this and DH is out of the house 14 hours at a time when at work.

OP posts:
FeelingFuzzy · 25/05/2017 21:37

now

caringcarer · 25/05/2017 21:40

if you want children and think you will need support make friends and then you can help each other and have emotional support. But if you don't want kids don't have them. why not spend time as a couple and see how you feel in 5 years?

Fliptophead · 25/05/2017 22:14

^I don't know what your problem is mumchance I said a few pages ago "looks like we're trying for a baby then."

So rude and there's no need for it.

I do already have a job. But I didn't have a proper interview for it actually. So I'm quite excited or I was anyway as it's looking like it could be a good opportunity but whatever really. I think people are just trying to be rude, unpleasant and generally make me look bad when actually I've done nothing wrong here.^

I'm not reading it that way. You seemed to be offended by my supportive comment up thread, so maybe you're lashing out at perceived injury rather than real one. You asked a question and got answers. Having a baby you don't seem sure about when you're quite young is a bad idea.

SherbrookeFosterer · 25/05/2017 22:25

You are absolutely right to say you will need support. It really does take a village to bring up a child.

But it is surprising how many new friends you will make having children and they will give you the support you need.

I was amazed at how supportive people were at my church, a local political party association I am involved with and fellow Rotarians.

Having children can be a very sociable business!

RosieRuby · 25/05/2017 22:27

If you don't have parents wouldn't you like to have your own family with your husband? You will manage fine without support X

purplebunny2012 · 25/05/2017 22:34

Very odd. I have no support other than Hubby as both our parents live quite far away. I had my child for us, not to palm off on our folks!

FeelingFuzzy · 25/05/2017 22:52

Purplebunnie I don't think this is really about having a child to palm off on your folks, it's about having emotional support too, pregnancy and childbirth and raising children are amazing but scary life events that are made more scary by not having a family around to support you, in whatever way that may be, be that babysitting, or a phone call late at night when you need reassurance that you're doing ok, or you just want a hug from your mum or the knowledge that your parents will be around if anything awful happens. And like other posters have said, living away from parents IS NOT THE SAME. What's odd about any of that?

eulmh · 25/05/2017 23:03

Do what you feel is best! Many children are in childcare rather than with grandparents. I have chosen to with part time but it's not for everybody. But do what you feel is right for you not what everybody else suggests

Vroomster · 25/05/2017 23:09

I think the OP is just going along with what her DH wants, regardless or her thoughts and feelings.

Vroomster · 25/05/2017 23:10

*of

FreddieFlowerdew · 25/05/2017 23:28

Agree with feelingfuzzy. I find the posts that compare parents living far away to not having parents alive completely distasteful and boneheaded, to be honest. It's not comparable AT ALL, and dismissing OP's concerns with "you'll manage, my parents live 100 miles away and I have 15 children and it's not hard!" really unhelpful.

Losing your parents young is the most terrible thing, you can't ask them for advice or give them a phone call for emotional support. It's nothing to do with babysitting, and thinking that it's easy to manage without parents makes your own role as a parent to your children sound pretty unimportant.

OP, you have my sympathies. I do think 23 is very young to think of having children, you have many years ahead of you to think about whether it's for you. But to worry about not having parental support is not daft and something that will play a part in your decision.

user1475236059 · 25/05/2017 23:39

OP, my sister is training to be a nursery. she has 3 children and no support. well i don't know if moral support counts cos i have 3 kids as well and on mat leave. i live too far away to be any other kind of support. i won't lie, it has been difficult for her to study with kids and she has had her fair share of unreliable childcare providers but she has kids that need caring for and she has to study. when she started her training, i know how many times she called me in a panic for one childcare related issue or the other but she kept pushing. she will be done with her training in June and already has a placement. i am so proud of her.
if you want to train to be a nurse, your best chance will be to do it before having kids. life may never get easier, we jump hurdles as they come.

But i don't think this is really what you are worried about. i think you are more worried about your partner and if he will support your choices.

mimishimmi · 26/05/2017 00:42

We haven't had support from our parents. We survived.

Angelreid14 · 26/05/2017 07:09

You don't sound too keen and that's your choice, but for some women it can be time sensitive. There are lots of people that don't have kids that have a fantastic life. As much as I love my kids, they are hard work and I have little to no help. Sleep is a thing of the past and they make all sorts of unsociable demands on your time. If you then felt like a single parent because your OH gets to 'escape' the hard work by going to work, resentment sets in. It's a difficult choice to make but all the other people saying it's all rainbows and bubbles, it's not. It should be a carefully considered decision based on what you are willing to sacrifice. That is what bringing up children is about, sacrifice.

fishfacedcow · 26/05/2017 07:38

I'm a childminder. I AM the support network for at least 3 of my families. I know this and do my very best to support them.

howthelightgetsin · 26/05/2017 07:45

My support network is my NCT group... we both have parents but they see us for a few hours every few months, and that's extra work not support. I really don't think that is ghat unusual.

Turquoise123 · 26/05/2017 08:48

Errr quite a lot of us have to support our parents ...

Mysticstar13 · 26/05/2017 09:28

My dad passed away when I was 14, my mother never knew her still don't, grew up on my own but I managed, my first 2 children were the result from a very abusive mentally and physically relationship but I got out of it and managed with no help or support, I'm now happily married with another 2 children added, hubby was in the forces but now due to health he's having to take things a bit steadier. We lost his dad, his brother and both my grandparents in the last 3yrs. It's been hard but we've managed and got on with it. We don't have any friends or family left now so still no help or support, even with 2 disabled kids. I love my kids more than anything, yes there is times where we could do with a break from them but we make the most of what we have and get on with it. For the last 15yrs everything iv done has been for my kids, now that they are getting to an age where we can leave them for a bit it's bliss for now we are finding time for just us.

shinysinkredemption · 26/05/2017 10:11

You'll manage just fine as you are I'm sure. Friends are the family we have chosen - bit of a cliche, but for me never truer than when DC were young and family weren't around. I'd be thinking, I'd like dc in your situation partly because you don't have that senior generation, not worrying about how you'd manage. The early years can be hard but the joy of being a parent outweighs it all by a country mile.

TodaysUsernameIsBoring · 26/05/2017 10:24

You never know what will happen. You can't rely on grandparents regardless. My kids have lost two grandparents in their short lives. They were aged 60 and 61 when they died.

We have raised 3 kids with very little support. The biggest support we had was from friends.

It isn't a reason not to have kids. It does make having kids harder but it doesn't make it impossible. You need to examine if there are other reasons for not wanting them.

Kisathecat · 26/05/2017 14:52

Like everything, there's positives to having no support as well as negatives....like you don't get anybody interfering in your decisions and you get to parent the way you choose. Support is nice but not essential. So don't worry about it! If you want to start a family don't let any funny ideas put you off cos being a parent is NOTHING like you expect!

mumof3boys33 · 26/05/2017 15:17

I haven't read all replies but thought I'd say I don't have much support. OH had parents around when ours were small but they were elderly and weren't able to help as such. It was nice mil was nearby for advice. But she couldn't look after or babysit. The in laws are no longer with us. Died when mine we 3, 8 and10. My other half works 7 days a week with long hours. So I do feel like a single mum sometimes. But I get on with it. My Dad died before I had the children. My mum is alive still but rarely sees her grandchildren.
I do have friends who say they would be worse off without grandparents as they do the school run and holiday cover while parents work.
But it isn't a reason to not have children. If you want them of course.

Boogerbutt · 26/05/2017 20:25

Everyone reacts to situations differently. If you listened to everyone elses opinions about everything you'd miss out on a whole lot in life .. including the joy of being a parent!

Deejoda · 27/05/2017 16:05

OP pls listen to the voice within and dont try for a baby until you feel more ready/excited about the prospect. I am a doctor and my DH is an engineer with long hours but between us, we manage. Is your DH a consultant/GP partner? Or a staff/trust grade? In my experience, no one works 14 hours every day. 23 is also very young. Most of my colleagues and I were 30 or older when they started trying for children so your dh wont be too different if you wait a year or 2. You can cope without GP but you'll need the occasional respite whether it's 1-2 half days at daycare or a childminder. Don't feel pressured to become a mother now. You may end up resenting dh if you struggle. Talk to him and be honest how you feel.

NotYoda · 28/05/2017 05:21

OP won't be back

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