To not have children because of our dead parents?

[malfish11]

DH (recently got married) doesn't have any parents, they both died when he was 17.

My mum is dead and my dad has nothing to do with us really.

All I hear from people is that when you have children you need support. so is it unreasonable NOT to have children as we just won't have this and DH is out of the house 14 hours at a time when at work.

All my family live on the other side of the world.
I'm a SP with 2 DC - we get along just fine.

I can imagine, OP. Sorry if I sounded unsympathetic. We are all probably unduly sensitive to unthinking assumptions by other people that touch on gaps or absences or sore spots in our own lives.

I think some Mumsnet threads often operate off some assumption (which to an Irish person of my generation, as we all assumed we would emigrate and generally did, is quite odd) that everyone lives close to highly involved families, sees them all the time, and can assume some childcare contribution. That's not my life in any way, and it's absolutely fine. It's not as though I had a child expecting massive grandparental support and then not getting it -- we knew what we were getting into. Some people would view it as tragic that for DS, his grandparents are largely presences on Skype, or that because we had him late, they will not see him grow up into adulthood. For us, that's just normal.

Op, you sound a little anxious and depressed? Are you pregnant and in the middle of the 'OMG WHAT HAVE WE DONE!!!!' phase?

We have both sets of parents. All separated so four sets of grandparents/step grandparents. None of them give us any support. Sometimes I find this frustrating and it does mean we don't have a social life that doesn't involve our kids being with us, but tbh, as time goes on I am glad of this. Especially when I read threads on here about interfering grandparents! We are financially lucky in that I can be a SAHP so don't suffer in that way.

No, first time around I did it without any support -- as a single parent, in a new city far away from family (and in any case, family had their own medical problems and would have been unable to help). I got through it. I built a support network of friends and childcarers. Life is good!

YANBU. If not having support from family is enough of a reason for you to make a rational decision not to have children then that is absolutely fine.

God knows the world doesn't 'need' more people.

It is of course possible for some people to cope with no help at all, and is perfectly possible to not cope when surrounded by helpful family.

Only you know who you are and where on that spectrum you are likely to be. I say likely because you do not know what child you will get. They might be a placid joy to be around or they may not stop screaming for hours on end day after day, month after month. Believe me, whether people 'cope' easily has a fantastic deal more to do with luck of the draw than anything else.

Thanks, Mumchance I think people are just being nice but I'm taking it to mean I shouldn't have children!

One thing that is definitely the case is that you will find your social circle change and expand when you have children.

Yes, 14 hour days and some weekend working is tough! But in the early days, practical support for those times IS possible. Help around hte house, night nannies, various nursery/childminder options to give you a break - even for a couple of hours. Then before you know it, they are toddlers and you are busying around to toddler groups and preschool and meeting a whole load of folk who are only too happy to make friends, do childminding swaps, look after yours for a couple of hours while you are at hte hairdresser/shop etc. ,swap playdates.

It really is all possible. If you want children, don;t be put off by that particular aspect of it. That would be a real shame.

I understand your worries op, we had a similar talk before ttc dd. At the end of the day, if you want dc go for it, it'll be fine without support. If you don't want them, that's fine too.

Dd is nearly three now and we've had literally no support as expected, but it's been fine. Got a little worried about having dc2 (eg who would look after dd while I was in labour) but that will be fine too - we've built a small non family support network since dd came along who can help in an emergency and worst case scenario I can have dc2 on my own and dh can look after dd.

Do you have some money? If so, you just buy support.

Family/friend support is a super thing to have...ace, in fact. But lack of it is not enough reason NOT to have a child if you want one.

Is there something in your personality/history that makes you think you might not cope?

To be honest, when you have no choice BUT to cope, it's remarkable what you can achieve that you think you couldn't.

My best friend had virtually no support ( family either abroad or dead) and her dh worked away a lot. She cooed fine by making friends,buying childcare and working hard at being a good mum.

Support really does come in many forms, mumsnet is one that springs to mind. . You can meet fab people at antenatal classes, baby groups, local church, etc etc.

However,myou don't sound ready for a baby yet so put that on hold and enjoy married life for a while.

But like I say DH is out of the house 14 hours at a stretch 4 days a week and he often has to work weekends. So it will fall on me and if I can't cope then that's going to be tricky

It sounds to me as if this is really a question about what your life would be like with a child and a largely absent DH, and on the assumption that virtually all childcare would fall to you. To which I would say again that it's not some immutable law that your DH works in this particular job. I used to do an international commute until I was eight months pregnant - I changed jobs after maternity leave. DH had a glamorous, high-pressure job that involved him being away a lot at weekends -- he quit and found a job that would allow him to be an equally involved parent.

You need to sit down with your DH is you actually want to have a child, and talk very frankly about who does what, how childcare will work, how he would modify his work life when he's a parent etc. Everyone should do that before conceiving.

Just imagine no in laws fighting over dc /offering 'advice', no uninvited guests when you are bf!!, me and dh have 6 under 16 and we are both nc with dps. . Stress free life is what it is!!

why would you not be able to cope?
do you have a job, manage your home with DH, have bank account and manage your health?

maybe get some CBT counselling and talk thru being alone and having no parents of your own..belated bereavement counselling if you like.

look locally what support is there for new parents eg sure start, health visitors, baby groups etc. go to gp surgery and local library look at notice boards.

if you want dc you will find a way.

use local support eg baby groups and atenatal groups
have a live in au pair to help
hire nannies and childminders
build a network of other parents.

if you dont want dc that is ok too but "no parents" is not a reason in itself. my parents dont help at all!

He trained for ages to do his line of work ... can't see him giving it up!

We aren't badly off but we don't have money for night nannies or anything like that.

I don't have any parents, grandparents, siblings, aunts or uncles, nothing

I had 2 kids, their dad deciding to leave me for my best friend, so I really did end up alone.

I coped, my kids coped, thankfully I made some fantastic friends who were there for me who helped me out when I needed or when I was hospitalised, I can't say its been easy .. but you find a way

I wouldn't say having no family support is a reason not to have them

Zero support here either. We manage fine.

Support is a great thing. My whole family are thousands of miles away from me. I have no support from them except for visits and occasional parcels but while it's really great, it's not something that happens on a regular basis. We cope just well on our own.
Family support is a luxury.

Do you want children? If so have them.

When I was born I had all 4 grandparents. By age 3 they were all gone. One after the other.

Life is unpredictable so do what will make you happy now. Support can come in many forms.

I have a 2.9 year old and had PND with her, I had a cancer scare when she was 8 months, I also became pregnant again and suffered with hyperemesis, had multiple hospital admissions over a 3 month period and then lost the baby and dealt with the aftermath of all that. We have zero support, no one has ever taken her out or babysat, my family are far away and my DPs family are all busy with their own lives etc.

My point is, it's hard at times yes, but you don't NEED support, you can and will manage no matter how hard things may be, the baby stage only lasts a while anyway and it gets a lot easier over time.

Don't NOT have a baby because you have no support, if you don't want kids then that's fine obviously, but don't make no support your reason, you'll be setting yourself up for regret later on in life if you do.

As everyone else says: support is not necessary. It's nice, but not a dealbreaker. Women do it on their own all the time without the support of partners or family!

No support is not a reason not to have them.

Have them if you and DH want them and don't if you don't.

Loads of people have kids with little or no support, me included. Both sets of parents are unwilling and/or unable to offer much. As others have said, having family on hand can also be a bit of a double-edged sword too!

He trained for ages to do his line of work ... can't see him giving it up!

He doesn't have to give it up, he just needs to modify his working practices/explore whether he can work flexibly or part-time/travel less/ change jobs. DH and I have eight degrees between us for our lines of work, but it was abundantly clear that if we wanted to see anything of our child, we needed to make significant alterations. We're both career-minded and ambitious, but neither of us wanted to have a child we didn't see, so we switched things around. Your DH needs to realise that if he wants a child, there are things he will need to re-prioritise, unless and I don't recommend this you want a child enough to pick up all the slack.

It would be terribly sad to not have kids because you think you shouldn't, and then regret not having kids later when you can't. If you don't have family, I would see that as even more of a reason to make a lovely one :) Good luck with your decision!

Thanks, looks like we're trying for a baby then!