To not have children because of our dead parents?

[malfish11]

DH (recently got married) doesn't have any parents, they both died when he was 17.

My mum is dead and my dad has nothing to do with us really.

All I hear from people is that when you have children you need support. so is it unreasonable NOT to have children as we just won't have this and DH is out of the house 14 hours at a time when at work.

I've never had support as I've always lived a plane ride away from family. Got divorced almost 10 years ago. Ex husband now suffers from dementia and is in care a plane ride away and can do no parenting. In spite of all that I've managed. I've acquired 6 figure salary and DD is a fine (if sometimes stroppy) teenager who is sitting A levels and will hopefully go off to uni in September. It's not been easy but it's possible.

My mum died when I was pregnant, my dad was so caught up in grief that he basically washed his hands of us. SIL died right after the baby was born and then FIL got sick and MIL and FIL have been (rightly) dealing with that.

Even those of us with local families can lose them pretty quick. Yes, it's easier with support. No, on its own it doesn't sound like a good enough reason to not have kids. But there's never only one reason and this could be the last straw that pushes you over into making a "no" decision.

x

My husband was in the forces when we had our 2, he was often away for months at a time. All our parents were living and working 3+ hours away so I did it on my own mostly.

I made some lovely friends and sorted a routine that suited us, child 1 was a breeze, having 2 got a bit more complicated but we basically all went everywhere together and I didn't leave the house after bedtime!

If I needed help/ babysitting etc I used to buy it in (babysitting agency). I now have 3 kids, dh is still in the forces and I work. 2 out of 3 kids are at school and it can be a bit chaotic but we manage again with paid for childcare and favour swaps with friends.

Not having kids is a perfectly valid choice but it is possible to 'buy' any support you might need if that's the only thing that's putting you off.

The thing is, when everything you read or hear says "you need support with a baby" and you know you have none, you do start to think you shouldn't have one. That's all.

Where are you seeing and hearing this to the extent that it's making you think you can't have a baby without multiple involved grandparents? You don't need to believe every old catchphrase, you know.

It might be a good idea to consider how you could accumulate some support. You could call on friends, make friends with other mums at baby groups, you can pay for support in the form of childcare, if that's an option for you.

It may be preferable to have parents on hand to help but lots of people don't have this and it is not a prerequisite to having a baby yourself.

My DF is dead, and I would never trust my DM with my DD.

DH's parents are too far away to be anything other than occasional help.

We have some close friends with DC of a similar age who also have no family support. We act as a 'family' together and look after each others DC when we need to.

Now DD is at school, I know local parents and we pick each other's DC up from school in emergencies.

I also have a couple of childless friends who are 'aunties' who borrow DD now and then, and a third 'granny' who has known DD since birth and is overjoyed if I ask for help.

I do feel very privileged to have so many supportive friends to make up for my lack of supportive family, but also I don't seem to be that unusual.

People who have grandparents living a few doors away who babysit 3 days a week are extremely fortunate and much rarer IME.

I had no support when DS was a baby so yes, YABU OP.

I don't know Mumchance, it's hard because obviously growing up without parents is difficult anyway. So I maybe take it personally when people say "oh you need support."

If you think every single person that has a baby also has support then I'd LOVE to know what other things you think about having kids! We have nobody. I'm 39+1 today and it did cross our minds when we found out, but it would never ever stop me from having a child. My parents (and entire family actually) live 2 hours away, his live in Cyprus, it's just us. By no means is having family around you essential as you keep saying, what a strange thing to think.

I've had a child with no support... family live in another country (even if my mother was prepared to help... which she's not... ) my DH works away most of the time and is only home for a few weeks in the year... My DS8 is a perfectly normal little boy and I'm a happy and busily stressed mum

Well, I don't know anybody else with dead parents. Not saying they don't exist but personally I don't know any. Just frightened about not being able to cope and having the baby taken off me or something.

You do need support. But that's what baby classes/toddler groups/health visitor classes/NCT courses are for. You make yourself a support network. It doesn't have to be family.

I had no support whatsoever. DH's parents were dead and mine live in New Zealand. (I lived in France then the UK) In addition, DH then worked abroad so was home 48 hours every 3-4 weeks or so.

I will not lie, it was bloody bloody hard, and I have alot of resentment towards my parents for not being that involved or interested. (They are very free with their child-rearing advice however... ).

But I had friends, we could afford childcare, and it was worth it a million times worth it. Also, you never know what is around the corner- my DH was made redundant when DS was 3 and moved back home full time. Now he gets in the way

You have each other, don't you? Friends?

you do sound awfully young.

Oh and YY to making your own support and buying in as needed. I did not have many friends and felt embarrassed to lean on them, I still find it hard to help. But a reliable childminder is worth their weight in gold, and if you find some good groups to join (toddler rhyme time etc) you will find at least some people you will get along with I am sure!

If you want kids have them I had 4 lots of people had a go at me about that including my own (late) father, my DM died years ago, I had no "support" what ever that means, but if you dont want them dont have them, its no-ones business but yours

Someone once told me they weren't having children because they were saving up for a rug for the spare room.

I think it would be a ludicrous reason to not have children, if you actually want them. I only see my parents a couple of times a year and have nothing to do with DHs, we are fine. Lots of people dont have support from family or friends, we just get on with it

Grandparents in our case were 4000 miles away.

We solved the problem by throwing money at it - we had a nanny.

Yes we have each other. But like I say DH is out of the house 14 hours at a stretch 4 days a week and he often has to work weekends. So it will fall on me and if I can't cope then that's going to be tricky.

We have some friends but no one I could expect to have a baby for us if we died or something.

I had no support whatsoever, the first time DH and I had time away on our own was when DS1 was 19 and we felt the 4 DC's could be left/trusted.

At the end of the day they are your Dc's, your responsibility, but hey guess want you don't suffer any unsolicited advice either, you do it all your way.

But I had wonderfully supportive friends (that I met at the school gate) who helped me out with my two older dc's when I had a difficult
twin pregnancy.

Of you really want Dc's not having active grandparents around shouldn't be a reason not to have a family.

We have all 4 grandparents alive but I wouldn't say they form more than 2% of our support network. DH also works 14 hour days with 200 mile commute, and I am a GP... we have a nanny. The children have spent 2 nights away from us in 5 years.

If my parents / in laws had been dead I don't think it would have changed much. My parents visit every couple of weeks (although spent 3/5 months this year abroad) but it's not helpful / support , it's just taking up my day off!

No, no, no!!

We had ours with no support at all, not that kind of support. No family within hundreds of miles. NC with some of the key members anyway!

Both worked full time.

It was fine!

Personally I thought that the kind of 'support' that friends had sounded like a total nightmare in many instances - descended on at the hospital, obliged to have folk around during recovery, day in day out, eager grannies getting in the way of breastfeeding, basically not being left alone at all.

We lived a bit out of the way when I had the first and once paternity leave was finished, I'd be alone with the baby all day for the first few months, in the weekdays, pretty much. Sometimes lonely but mostly it was fine, and personally I found it generally restful, good for feeding and relaxing. Then back to work and nursery.

It just totally depends - on where you live, on how you socialise, on your jobs - but, you do NOT 'need' practical support in order to have children. The right kind of support would certainly make life easier, yes. The wrong kind (and family are often in this category) can definitely make it harder!

You would really really be fine.

No one will take your baby off you because your parents have died. Only if you live a VERY chaotic life that is harmful to your baby then you will have to negotiate with social services who, at the very last instance, would remove your child.