To not have children because of our dead parents?

[malfish11]

DH (recently got married) doesn't have any parents, they both died when he was 17.

My mum is dead and my dad has nothing to do with us really.

All I hear from people is that when you have children you need support. so is it unreasonable NOT to have children as we just won't have this and DH is out of the house 14 hours at a time when at work.

You don't need support! I dint speak to my mum or dad my oh parents one lives quiet a bit away his mum just near by however she worked when we first had kids my oldest is 11 youngest is 1 and only recently due to both of us working similar hours have we had to get "support" however fir almost 11 years we done it ourselves. If u want kids go for it however if u don't then dint but don't use lack of support as a reason. The only person a child needs is the parents x

Yanbu however if DH would like to have kids it should have been discussed before marriage .. it's not a sole decision in a marriage - I do get my body my choice but some people like me think differently .. after all marriage is a partnership .. please don't hate just my humble opinion

OP you will be fine if you just prepare for parenthood. It's those who don't think about what having a child means, who are not prepared to put the needs of their child first that have their children removed.
Join a parenting class where you will meet other prospective parents who will be supportive company. I had no family support in any practical sense but it was talking to friends that really helped. Go to all the baby and toddler groups you can manage also -- besides providing bonding time with your DC you will meet others in your situation.
I've never been really robust health wise and did worry how I'd manage if I felt unwell but I managed fine. Ex was more than useless and did nothing at all (and I mean nothing) and he might as well have been working away and in the end I wished he was!
If your DCs wanted then you'll manage anything ok
Good luck

We have no grandparents, my DH works 14 hour long days and eventually I had to give up my much adored job to be able to cope with 2 children, one of whom had health issues. I have always been very envious of those with parents to help them out, but such is life. If you want kids you will find a way to cope, and there are other ways to get help (cleaners, playgroups, childminders, babysitters). If you want kids you wont let anything stand in your way, but if you haven't got that urge then don't have kids whether you have help or not. Having kids is hard work, but ultimately very rewarding, but only have them if YOU want them. If you are looking for excuses not to have them, then think it through clearly. Most people have an insatiable longing and need to have kids. They don't debate it.

I have 3 children I am pregnant with our 4th my DP's parents are old and can't help out my mum lives to fair away to help. Up until two years ago we didn't have anyone to baby sit or anything. My DP worked very long hours. I became friends with my DP's work colleagues girlfriend she works as a child minder so she started baby sitting for us. I have hyperemesis gravidarum and she has been a massive help she's always willing to clean the house on days I can't and my DP is at work. she pops in and has a coffee and a chat. My DD 8 has disablities and we have no support from anyone to help either. But we manage perfectly fine. We have a system that works for us. 3 times a month DP will have the children on his days off so I get some me time if you really want children it can work. If you don't want children there is no reason to make excuses as to why you can't.

.if you have the funds you can also pay for help.

I don't know if I do summer, at the same time I do want them, DH definitely does.

Both my parents died before i was 21. My husband's mum died when our children were 4 and 6months old. It's hard with no support but i wouldn't let that put you off having children - it's certainly doable!

I've been a single parent since I was 21 with no family support and we have just fine. I hate it when I see people on these sort of threads say 23 is "very young for children". I know plenty of couples who are married at that age and have children.

we ARE* just fine.
29 now by the way!

Without family support in my experience means a bit more surrendering to the crap situations every parent goes through. When you think you've had enough & there's honestly no one to help or moan to in the way you moan to parents. Saying that you never know who you meet in life, other mums, friends etc. I didn't have lots of mum friends when my kids were younger but now. Lots of people had it when babies were small & I wish I had but I coped. Now we are nearer family too & it doesn't make a huge difference but is useful sometimes

Between my dh and I, we have a pretty big family, but had minimal-no support with our children. I certainly wouldn't let that put me off starting a family.

Bless you x

My folks were 400 miles away and DH's widow mother was totally useless as a grand parent, I managed.
If you want children just do it.
If you don't want children, don't have any.
You do not have to decide now.....wait and see 😊

I found support in the way of friends useful. People I'd met at groups etc. Get very little support from my parents.

I'm an expat - no family help here and Dh and I both have long hours demanding jobs.

Is it harder? Yes.
Is it doable? Totally. Our son is only just sleeping now at 18 m, we were woken every 20 mins for months on end. He screamed and screamed and screamed. No rest, no breaks, no help. I didn't get a night off for 18m. I didn't leave the house for weeks on end.

You just cope.

I saw people I knew on fb leaving the baby with family at a few weeks old and going out to gigs/weekends away etc. I couldn't do that, and I'm not sure I'd have wanted to, but when he was a year or so it'd have been nice to have a few hours to myself, but you just get on with it. Failure isn't an option. You'll manage.

Lots of people build other support networks - NCT Groups, Playgroups, Primary School. It's totally doable, and you come out of the younger years with some great friends (who you can moan to about your teenagers!)

My parents brought my sister and me up with no grandparents - all dead - or siblings - never born; and they managed. Their support network was friends with children to whom they were the support network too. It worked.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Haven't had time to RTFT but you're being very sensible thinking about what support you will have available. We are in a similar boat- three dead grandparents and the one surviving one is five hours away and too infirm to lift the baby or really offer any help. We are also quite old parents so not exactly youthful amounts of energy either!

DD is 18 mo and obviously we've survived this far but it has been tough. It got easier once I went back to work and she had a nursery to go to as, since then, we've paid for a few extra days at nursery which has really helped when we've been ill. I seem to be surrounded by people who have grandparents or aunts doing the childcare or babysitting or just providing meals/ doing a bit of laundry etc, none of which we've had. And it's true that a lot of the advice from HVs, NHS etc assumes you have extra support - e.g. If baby not sleeping then give to grandparent to look after/take for walk whilst you nap for a couple of hours! I would have loved to do that but just not an option.

I don't regret having DD but there's no way I'd have a second like this, or not without an humongous age gap.

There are things you can do to make it a bit easier, some of which we did, some I wished we'd done:

• get DH to take max time off when baby is born - mine took four weeks which was essential as he was doing all the cooking, cleaning, shopping etc
• sign up for batches of frozen ready meals (so wish we'd done this)
• join a baby/toddler group asap. It takes a while to build up a group of supportive Mummy friends with a first baby so start it asap! Toddler groups seemed much friendlier than baby classes where the mums had babies of a similar age- the helpful friends I made have toddler age children so could reassure me it does get better(!), lend me things, offer me cups of tea, hold DD etc.
• I really really wish we'd paid for a maternity nurse or home help for the six weeks after DH went back to work as that would have made a huge difference to how we coped (I had PND which didn't help).
• Think about how you'll cope with both of you being ill. Luckily when we had D and V we got it a day apart so managed to tag team DD between us but it was fairly grim.
• Be easy on yourself. Again, buying in support of whatever kind makes a huge difference - I treated myself to lunch in a cafe in town once a week as it was one meal I didn't have to prepare.

It is doable but very hard at times. Good luck!

Your poor child. I'm very sorry for their future.

Mumchance wasn't being rude at all.

What a pointless thread!

We have no support - I lost both parents many years ago and DH has lost his dad. His mum has never ever helped (not even a baby-sit or a cup of tea). We both work ft. When they were small I worked nights and weekends from home so I could be with them all day as we couldn't afford childcare.
It can be hard, but people I know who have had help still seem to complain it's hard work. I think you just rise to whatever the challenge is. There is always a way to work things out if you really want to have them. The good far outweighs the bad. If you want them, don't let a shortage of support stop you.

I don't know if I do summer
So why are you trying next month?

And I also worried about loving a child and wondered if I could. It took us years to conceive so I worried about it through that - it was something I wanted so very very much but also terrified me. Apparently it is quite common for women not to bond with their baby immediately.

I remember DD's birth and she came out and was put straight on my chest, and I remember thinking 'meh, is that it' and being rather horrified by this small, slimy, bloody thing i'd just been presented with. DH meanwhile fell in love with her at first sight! I did all the things I was meant to do, as I reasoned that it wasn't DD's fault she'd been born so I basically pretended to be a 'good mummy' for the first few months. Loathed breastfeeding and hated her for 'making me' breastfeed. Hated the first four months with her (actually viewed nurseries at six weeks and booked her in for a year old cos I needed something to look forward to!). Then at four months I fell in love, and the days started to be enjoyable. I realised that she didn't care whether she had breast or formula so she wasn't the one 'making me' breastfeed, I was the one insisting on doing it. Now I think she's the best thing since sliced bread :-) so probably a good thing I didn't give her up for adoption at a month old ;-) despite fantasising about it!

If you're really not sure about having a child then don't start trying. But equally there is never a point when everything is perfect for having a child. It sounds like time is on your side though, which it wasn't for us.

I think the op is either attention seeking or a time waster or having a kid because she is bored and doesn't know what to do with her life and popping out a kid seems easy to her. Even though she is not wanting a kid because she won't have a babysitter.. . So clearly won't cope with a child as she is already telling herself she won't.

This whole thread is a load of crap and a waste of people's time commenting genuine advice and giving their experiences to try and help the op. For what? Nothing.

Pain

Yes.

And people who don't RTFT continue to post.