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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have children because of our dead parents?

450 replies

malfish11 · 24/05/2017 13:43

DH (recently got married) doesn't have any parents, they both died when he was 17.

My mum is dead and my dad has nothing to do with us really.

All I hear from people is that when you have children you need support. so is it unreasonable NOT to have children as we just won't have this and DH is out of the house 14 hours at a time when at work.

OP posts:
Original poster
malfish11 · 24/05/2017 21:41

Yes vroomster everyone I know with young children has grandparents, your speaking like it's something so weird and unusual I must be stupid to think it. Ok I get not everyone will. And I get some of you might live a long way from grandparents. It's still different to not having them at all.

.

OP posts:
PainCanBeBeautiful · 24/05/2017 21:43

Honestly do your nursing first. I'm lucky in that my partner will be our youngest carer while I study full time for years.

Now I'm not a nurse but I have lived in a hospital ward and I've seen what they do, I've been basically trained like a nurse by nurses just to care for my own child. Do your nursing first then work for a year or two then go on maternity leave then part time so you can afford childcare.

You are starting to sound like you a making a lot of excuses and not taking advice that is given by people who are in the situation that you want to be in. I want to train as a nurse myself and I'm examine that the only reason I can do that is because my partner will become a SAHP.

NameChange30 · 24/05/2017 21:44

You sound resigned to being a SAHM. It seems you've decided that other options aren't open to you. Personally I think that's really sad. There's nothing wrong with being a SAHM if you've actively chosen it. But this doesn't seem like an active choice to me - it seems as if you just feel there are no real alternatives.

You sound rather depressed and defeatist to me. That's why I think you'd benefit from counselling.

Original poster
malfish11 · 24/05/2017 21:44

But pain my partner won't. Anyway I'm not making excuses it's not right for me at this time. I'm not even sure I can do it might not be clever enough!

OP posts:
PainCanBeBeautiful · 24/05/2017 21:45

Mal, people living away from grandparents is exactly the same as those who don't have them. Neither can offer childcare. Stop arguing against every point that is being made and do what you want instead. Please don't waste people's time by asking questions and ignoring advice that multiple people are spending their free time answering.

PainCanBeBeautiful · 24/05/2017 21:46

Which is why I said do your nursing first. Are you deliberately not reading people's posts properly?

NameChange30 · 24/05/2017 21:47

"people living away from grandparents is exactly the same as those who don't have them."

That's not true Pain, grandparents who live far away can't offer day-to-day childcare but they can offer emotional support and practical advice via phone and email, and they can look after grandchildren in the holidays. That's if they're able and willing to do so - not all grandparents are, obviously.

Original poster
malfish11 · 24/05/2017 21:48

It's really not pain.

Dead is dead, you will never see them again, ever, living away from them, you will.

Living away is a choice, them dying is not.

I think maybe you want an argument which I find weird. Why does me not doing nursing, which I only mentioned in passing, make you want to argue? I don't even think I'm clever enough to be honest.

OP posts:
Original poster
malfish11 · 24/05/2017 21:49

Also I think when they die and you're young you don't have a normal introduction to adult life. I know I didn't.

OP posts:
Vroomster · 24/05/2017 21:51

It's not weird and unusual to have grandparents. It's weird and unusual to not have children because you won't be getting any childcare. Even if you did have them you can't expect childcare.

Everyone I know has a child at nursery or pre school. I think you're over thinking this.

But Westray you do whatever works for your family circumstances.

Original poster
malfish11 · 24/05/2017 21:52

It's not exactly childcare though or not just childcare. Anyway doesn't matter. I guess we'll start trying soon :)

OP posts:
PainCanBeBeautiful · 24/05/2017 21:54

That's a good point emma I stand corrected.

WonkoTheSane42 · 24/05/2017 21:55

My sister has two kids. She lives on the other side of the world from our parents. They manage just fine.

PainCanBeBeautiful · 24/05/2017 21:56

You didn't just mention the nursing in passing Hmm

You are the one who is sounding like you are gearing for an argument I've been nothing but nice and giving advice like a lot of others on this thread yet you seem to shoot down everything we say or have an answer as to why you can't.

I think I now agree with others who say you need counselling as I don't think you are stable enough just yet for kids. Having kids involved a lot of decision making and I'm not sure you are ready for that.

Vroomster · 24/05/2017 21:56

Don't think I don't understand, one of my parents died when I was a child. Do you have siblings? cousins? Other extended family?

Original poster
malfish11 · 24/05/2017 22:03

Not really. Got a sister but I don't even know where she lives.

OP posts:
NotISaidTheWalrus · 24/05/2017 22:05

And I get some of you might live a long way from grandparents. It's still different to not having them at all

But do you get that many of us don't have them at all? Either because they are dead or not interested or we don't see them?

cestlavielife · 24/05/2017 22:06

Apply for nursing
See a counsellor or life coach
Ask dh how much he is prepared to do for a future child eg pick up from nursery. Take to school.fund a cleaner. Support you to train as a nurse.
Train to be a nurse
Get job
Get maternity pay.

Original poster
malfish11 · 24/05/2017 22:07

I shouldn't have mentioned nursing. Sorry.

OP posts:
NotYoda · 24/05/2017 22:10

You are deliberately not focussing on the issue of your DH, I notice, and you keep bringing it back to lack of parents.

bangingmyheadoffabrickwall · 24/05/2017 22:11

I have a friend who works full time and she has 2 children. Both parents died and her DH's parents live on the other side of the country.

Whoever said 'support is essential' is obviously someone who cannot cope with what life throws at them!

It isn't easy; not even when you DO have support. But like all struggles, and parenthood is NOT a struggle, you get on with it and deal with whatever is thrown at you.

My friend has never been out for an adult only meal in the past 7 years due to having two smalls.

A family is perfectly possible to achieve when you don't have grandparents or siblings to provide childcare etc.

If childcare is really an issue, consider an au-pair or a nanny. Another of my friends realised it was beneficial to her due to not being able to do nursery runs at the time she needed to be out of the house and gives her flexibility for life's little luxuries.

DH's cousin also employed a live-in nanny.

Don't right off a family just because you have no parents.

NotISaidTheWalrus · 24/05/2017 22:12

OP you sound like you're going to have a baby because you can;t think of anything else to do, and can't find a good reason why not.

I've rarely heard anyone so unenthusiastic about trying for children. You come across as practically anhedonic.

Kleinzeit · 24/05/2017 22:13

I'm not surprised you're confused malfish there are a lot of different people on this thread and we're all coming at it from different points of view. You don't have to make up your mind now, the thread wont go away. Take your time. You can come back anytime and re-read the thread and see which suggestions and stories are most useful to you. These are your decisions to make and you can make them in your own time.

It doesn't sound as if you'll be a rubbish mum at all. You're obviously a thoughtful loving and responsible person. But I dunno, I get the feeling that maybe you haven't been given much scope outside your marriage? It would do no harm at all for you get some different "life experience" under your belt first. Again, it's your choice, but you don't sound as if you are really eager to start having children right now, more as if you want kids sometime and you just can't think what else you'd like to do right now? Having kids right now does sound much more like your DH's life plan than yours.

And if you want to be a nurse then I'm sure you can train to be a nurse now and have your children later. My DSiL was a midwife before she had kids, became a part-time practice nurse after she had kids. All sorts of possibilities. Of course if you want to have children right now that's fine but there's no need to have kids now just because your DH is in a hurry. And you are a smart articulate person, you can become a nurse, you just need the confidence in yourself. Flowers

Original poster
malfish11 · 24/05/2017 22:13

I don't know what that word means but maybe I'm just not showing what I feel on here.

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Original poster
malfish11 · 24/05/2017 22:14

Cross post sorry, thank you 😊

OP posts:
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