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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have children because of our dead parents?

450 replies

malfish11 · 24/05/2017 13:43

DH (recently got married) doesn't have any parents, they both died when he was 17.

My mum is dead and my dad has nothing to do with us really.

All I hear from people is that when you have children you need support. so is it unreasonable NOT to have children as we just won't have this and DH is out of the house 14 hours at a time when at work.

OP posts:
Fliptophead · 25/05/2017 08:18

So many typos! "There are enough people in the world!"

Original poster
malfish11 · 25/05/2017 08:19

It's nothing to do with holidays and nights out it's about not having a child you struggle to love or cope with and I won't know till they are here and then it's too late can No one understand that?

OP posts:
Fliptophead · 25/05/2017 08:19

Seriously op, wait until you're desperate and sure you want one. There really is no return option even if you keep your receipt

Westray · 25/05/2017 08:25

You will be ready at some point to make that decision with confidence though, which you clearly are unable to do at the moment.

You need some maturity, perhaps counselling, then the decision will be easy to make.

If you are not sure then wait.

cestlavielife · 25/05/2017 08:38

If you want to make yourself be ready then Do some voluntary work with kids.
Train to be a nursery nurse.
Go work with disabled kids. You might find you can handle anything. Or not.

If you had a child and couldn't cope you could -
Get support to deal with whatever issues

Leave it with your husband

Agree to give it up for adoption

There are always options.

But not having a child at all is also an option.
If it is a deal breaker for your dh then you may eventually decide to split up so he has dc with another.

But you are very young so he should not be pressuring you right now.
At 23 time is on your side and you should just wait.
But if this is causing anxiety it goes back to you seeking professional counselling.

SaltyMyDear · 25/05/2017 08:38

Malfish - if you struggle to love your child, it'll be due to depression, not lack of support.

If you're not depressed, you'll cope. There are loads of different ways to cope. They don't all require support from families.

If you are depressed, having a baby can be REALLY hard. And having a baby often triggers depression.....

I think we do understand. We understand that you're scared, and that you're not ready yet, and that you've had a hard life.

It's OK. OK to be scared, OK to not be ready, OK to not want kids.

Be kind to yourself. Much kinder than you are now. You're OK. It's OK to feel like you do.

CBeebiesaddict · 25/05/2017 08:42

Lots of people manage without help from grandparents. The issue for me would be the hours your DH works. What if you have multiples? Being brutally honest I wouldn't have children if the father worked those hours as I wouldn't have coped but that doesn't mean you wouldn't.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 25/05/2017 08:43

You can have depression, and a baby, and still cope - I am living proof.

When I had ds1, I had undiagnosed depression - I had actually been depressed since my mid teens, though it wasn't diagnosed until I was about 36. I was diagnosed with post natal depression after each of my dses was born, but I coped, and I didn't damage my children.

@SaltyMyDear's words are very wise. Start by being kind to yourself - you deserve it.

Vroomster · 25/05/2017 14:21

it's about not having a child you struggle to love or cope with and I won't know till they are here and then it's too late

But that can happen to anyone, regardless of the support you have. Lots of women have PND. You have no idea how you will feel once your baby is born, you just hope it goes ok. No one knows how to be a Mum, it's something you learn as you go along. Yes you can get advice and support from parents but how many times on here do you read about being told you should be weaning your baby at 3 weeks and other atrocious advice?

Support can come from lots of places. Join NCT and ante natal classes and meet other parents. It can be a life saver in the early days. Baby classes and toddler groups. Facebook even, there are loads of local Mum groups, some have meet ups. Sling meets and breastfeeding cafes too.

I think you need to talk to your DH, you don't sound ready and whatever he may want to happen can't until you both agree. If you're having doubts don't do it, you've got plenty of time.

Original poster
malfish11 · 25/05/2017 16:44

I know it can happen to anyone but they've people around if it does. Anyway we'll be trying from next month see what happens I suppose

OP posts:
Lostinaseaofbubbles · 25/05/2017 17:24

If you're not ready, don't start trying yet.

You sound so much like you don't want to have children yet (maybe that's just the way you sound and you would like to, but you're just sounding out all the 'what ifs' - in which case, sure, go ahead).

If he loves you he can and will wait.

Mumchance · 25/05/2017 17:29

So, this whole thread was completely pointless, or worse, some kind of joke, because you were always going to start trying to conceive this child? This child you don't want, that you're afraid you won't love, that you're going to be parenting alone because your husband won't consider changing his working hours/ downsizing, and you mention being interested in nursing but are instead sleepwalking into being a SAHM without qualifications at 23?

NotYoda · 25/05/2017 17:32

Mumchance

Yes.

Vroomster · 25/05/2017 17:33

So you have all these worries but you're going to try anyway. Hmm

SaS2014 · 25/05/2017 17:36

My husband and I are expecting our first I September. While I have parents, lovely MIL, 2SIL's with young kids and friends none if them will be about to be of help or suppory as we live over 400 miles swsy from everyone. Where we are we are absolutely on our on. It's daunting but for us not a reason to not have one.

cestlavielife · 25/05/2017 17:36

some people have close parents who are involved.
I didn't.
and my first has severe special needs.
so I had to seek support where I could. including paid help.
you are going to need to find your own support, your friends, your neighbors, the childminder down the road...
you need to seriously speak to dh about being around and involved with a child.

you dont sound fully on board with the idea.
so dont do it.
not yet. tell dh you want to talk it thru with a life coach/therapist and be really ready.

NotYoda · 25/05/2017 17:38

In other news, so you've got a job interview! Good news!!!

pollymere · 25/05/2017 17:38

Support is there. It doesn't have to come from relations. Good friends are enough. I had a friend act as childminder for a year so I could start a new job. Parents are not always a viable solution, even for those who have them.

Sheffmum1 · 25/05/2017 17:41

Hi malfish, I don't think it's strange and YANBU at all! You need support when you have kids. It's hard work and probably the most difficult job in the world ( it's also very lovely too do t get me wrong !) it's doesn't need to be a definte no without support, but you will find it hard. We get loads from family and it's important for the following- for you both go back to work if you want/ bed to, to have one while you have time with the other kid, to have some time as a couple (which is very important!). so think carefully about your support network and if you think that you have a few close friend who can babysit/ provide child care etc- then go for it- it is brilliant having kids! Good luck x

Rowenag · 25/05/2017 17:45

We had our child with virtually no support as we have no family in this country. I had my caesarean and was working again within two weeks because we had a very demanding business that was not going well that we were trying to save. My partner was working in the business too. It was hard and stressful because I had no maternity leave but I took her around to work appointments, we took her to work with us, I even took on a second hobby job to help us through. We couldn't afford childcare and I was exclusively breast feeding. I wouldn't recommend my situation to anyone but I never for one second regretted having my child. She has been the best thing about my life since she was born. You make things work if it is important to you to have a child, support or no support. It is a luxury but not a necessity.

Alter · 25/05/2017 17:45

I believe this is not enough reason to not have children. My parents were both passed and DH's far overseas. We managed well enough with 2 who are now great teenagers. No support at all around and few friends, worked long days, less as they got older and needed me more. I had a childminder which worked well for transition from baby to school. It's not easy when you see all around you taking family help for granted but it is achievable and will be all you know. They are so rewarding and you can be proud to say you did it your way.

Lynnm63 · 25/05/2017 17:51

As you can see lots of people have no support. DH parents both died before we had dc, my mum died when twins were 3 weeks old my dad lives over 100 mikes away and not hands on, wouldn't even ask advice over phone.
It was tough but in part because I was trying to help my dad as well as having three under 5. We have no help at all which means we socialise with the dc but they're all great kids do that's no hardship.

If I were you I'd defer having kids for a couple of years train as a nurse or childcare or whatever you fancy. You grow up a lot between 23-26 and if you end up alone you'll stay least have a career to fall back on rather than a mw job. Don't be pressurised into having a baby before you're ready.

MiaowMix · 25/05/2017 17:55

Interesting news Yoda! I though catmalfish11 already had a job?

mumto2two · 25/05/2017 17:56

Yes many people have support, and from what I can see, often take it for granted. My parents both died when my firstborn was a few weeks old. My mil lives a 24hr flight away. (Thankfully Wink) We have never had any family support, and while my friends have regular babysitters / emergency cover on tap, we have never had that luxury.
Last week a school mum guffawed when I explained why I couldn't work full time anymore..of course it was possible, it's what I do.
So who looks after your kids during the 16 weeks they have off, I asked. It's shared between our parents...I literally had to bite my lip.

Original poster
malfish11 · 25/05/2017 18:00

I don't know what your problem is mumchance I said a few pages ago "looks like we're trying for a baby then."

So rude and there's no need for it.

I do already have a job. But I didn't have a proper interview for it actually. So I'm quite excited or I was anyway as it's looking like it could be a good opportunity but whatever really. I think people are just trying to be rude, unpleasant and generally make me look bad when actually I've done nothing wrong here.

OP posts: