To not have children because of our dead parents?

[malfish11]

DH (recently got married) doesn't have any parents, they both died when he was 17.

My mum is dead and my dad has nothing to do with us really.

All I hear from people is that when you have children you need support. so is it unreasonable NOT to have children as we just won't have this and DH is out of the house 14 hours at a time when at work.

Motherhood has not been a struggle at all for me.

I have no family support, we are not particularly well off, no domestic help or nanny. An OH who works long hours and is often away.
It's really not been hard, it's been enjoyable.

We were in the same situation. DH parents died and my DM had a massive stroke so my father became a carer. My OH also worked v hard. I made friends and some of them were in the same position so we helped each other. No reason not to do it. All grown up and no regrets. We are now active Grandparents.

Why don't you know where your sister lives?
Was your family quite dysfunctional even before your mother died?

Yeh definitely this is why I can't resllly imagine being a good mum. I don't know what that looks like even. My sister took drugs, she moved out.

Of course you should mention nursing.
It s good to do something for you.

Go get some life coaching sessions.or therapy. In six sessions you may have clearer idea what you want.

Please do not have children unless you actively want them. You are very, very young. Take some time for yourself before you even think about having children. Think about your life and the way you want it to go. Look at nursing. Look at other things you might want to train for. Have you considered that you might be a bit depressed? Seek some help for your mental health if you are. Be you. Talk to your husband and say "in one year from today we'll talk about children again, but I have to be sure about what I want myself first, and I'm not" If he is a decent man worth staying with he will understand. But do not get pregnant now.

Or you could do childcare
Train as a nursery nurse.
That will give you more confidence to bring up your own children too.
And you will be bringing them up whether you working or not. Your dh will be involved too.
You can learn lots of aspects of parenting.

Yeh I could do that I suppose.

Or do nothing. You seem to be heading that way. You don't seem happy, make getting happier your first priority. Go and see your gp for help.

I am happy, I don't need to see my gp,

I have a dd your age. I am as sure as I can be that you are depressed. And I suspect you are unhappy in your relationship. Do not get pregnant until both those things are better.

Your DH seems to be calling all the shots here without making any compromises himself.

Nearly 30 isn't that old, he doesn't need to be panicking about having children. It's all very well him saying within the next 12 months but he works long hours and isn't around much. So why does he get to call the shots without actually being around to deal with a child? Maybe he should find a different job that allows better childcare options as currently it seems to be your worry. It should be both your worry, you'll both be parents. You're 23, you don't need to rush. Especially as you don't seem entirely sure. Regardless of what your DH says, if you don't want a baby right now, please don't have one.

malfish "I'm now so confused!" Sorry, mumsnet will do that for you.

malfish " i do think I want children though. But I'm worried I'll be a rubbish mum."

I agree with AnotherEmma I too really think that this uncertainty stems back to your own loss of your mum and some counselling will help you to work out what you actually want, and when.

"I don't know I suppose it can't solve anything. I am happy for what I've got" Counselling helps you work better with what you have had in your life and what you have got. It is not always a magic bullet but can really help. For me, with anxiety, it was amazingly helpful.

Malfish my best friend was in the same position as you - she and her sister grew up in a children's home and were eventually fostered separately. She had no example of parenting but is one of the best parents I know. She has recently got back in touch with her sister and it seems she has also made a success of her life. She used to sometimes say she didn't know the way ahead but she has done a great job raising her children (another with a husband doing very long hours). Don't rush in, lots to consider but it can be done!

"Got a sister but I don't even know where she lives." OP you have had such a hard time. Please get some professional emotional help to work through things before diving into anything new.

XXXX

Tbh nearly everybody I know does it themselves, I know one couple who get help from grandparents and one single mother who gets help from 1 grandparent, everybody else I know just does it themselves.
I think the support people say to get isn't necessarily family support or babysitting, it's also friends for adult company because you really need that at times and then going to baby groups meeting other parents with similar age DC or with more experience, also tons of support groups out there.

Honestly I don't need professional help! I'm so lucky have husband and lovely home. I'm just a bit anxious about having a baby and discovering being mother is not for me and not being able to do much about it.

Those are the questions a life coach or counsellor can help you resolve.
Honestly counselling is so helpful.
And you can go with that one question. And they will help you work out your answer.

Mumsnet is not a substitute for real life one to one counsellor .
Please do this.
It can only help you resolve this one massive issue. Eg why do you tjink you might "fail" at being a parent? That isnt logical. We all wing it.

I'll bear it in mind but it's not for me at the moment.

"I'm just a bit anxious about having a baby and discovering being mother is not for me and not being able to do much about it."
Please don't have a baby yet, then.

So just tell your dh you are not ready and you will talk about it agaun in a year or two.

In the meantime enjoy your life
You are 23!

I'm never going to be ready on that logic though!

You could be. 23 is very young these days to be having children. You may find that as you get older your confidence in yourself grows and that will filter through to your confidence in being a mother.

It makes things significantly more difficult. And to be brutally honest I've always felt that if you're questioning having children you should probably give it a miss. Keep you money, your holidays and your nights out. Only trade it innif youres desperate for them. There aren't enough people in the world and I think often people have children just because it's what you're supposed to do and not because they needed to have children. Google happiness levels in marriage (and in general!) before and after children!