to ask how most of our mothers coped?

[ItalianScallion]

I was born in the 70's. My mother was a SAHM and there were three of us kids. My father worked night shifts.

The youngest of us was born when I was four and the oldest was 7. My mother got us up, took us to school, took us to after school activities and sports whilst maintaining a ridiculously clean home, and doing all the laundry etc with no help or family support.

My DH has a similar upbringing except his mother and father were living abroad and travelled to several different countries to live because of the nature of FIL's work. My MIL worked nights and so they would literally hand over the kids to each other as one came home and the other went to work.

I feel that we were all raised pretty decently and I have a huge amount of respect for my parents and PIL.

Which brings me to my AIBU to think that we are getting softer? My mother and MIL shake their heads in disbelief when they hear of mothers who SAHM, have a nanny/au pair and a weekly cleaner and still talk about how they're not coping.

Don't get me wrong, parenting is a hard job but it seems that popular parenting ideas and methods are allowing us to make rods for our own backs.

Please understand I'm not referring to women with PND or any MH issues. This is MN so I know I'll be flamed by people with their anecdotes of difficult babies and their specific struggles, and I agree that there will always be exceptions to the rule. Still, I can't help but feel that we don't 'just get on with it' the way our mothers did.

Well this makes me feel amazing. Single mum to a toddler, working. Crying every day because I'm finding it so hard. Maybe I should have been born in a different era. Maybe I'm just too fucking soft. Fantastic.

I can go back earlier than the 70s as a SAHM and I think we managed because we looked upon it as a job. Your husband went out to work and your workplace was your house. Granted we didn't actually clock in and out but that was our mindset - this is our job and we get on with it.

My mum & dad had 4 kids, and mum went back to work almost immediately after each of us, we had a series of 19yo nanny's as both my parents worked, we weren't rich but it was the only way they could both work, living where we did and my mum wouldn't have given up her career for anything.

When I was 12, the nannies stopped & then they just sent the littlest one to nursery and I looked after the others after school including doing tea etc.
We had a cleaner for a bit otherwise the house looked like a pigsty, we had to wash our own clothes or just wear them as is (we ended up not being messy kids by necessity) & ate a lot of burnt frozen food, when it was mums turn to cook and weird stuff when dad did it (weekends when nanny wasn't there and we hadn't gone to granny's for Sunday dinner)

I didn't do after school activities until 6th form when I had friends/ bfs with cars for lifts & my brother was old enough to keep an eye on the others. My mother was emotionally stunted and my dad is a manic depressive.
On my 18th birthday an Aunt said to me "wow you made it to being an adult we weren't sure you would" - in reference to my parents parenting skills.

In contrast I have my own practice, which I run around the kids (DS2 goes to nursery part time, DS1 is in school), yes I have a cleaner but that's more because I'm disabled and can't physically do the heavy bits of cleaning. My kids eat well, get to socialise, do after school activities, lead well balanced lives, wear clean clothes and sleep in clean warm beds. We have healthy family relationships too and despite my problems with my parents I encourage my kids to have a good relationship with their grandparents (when possible).

I wouldn't dream of inflicting the half arsed parenting that my childhood consisted of on anyone. I do have fond memories of some of my nannies though and even got back in touch with one a couple of years back.

I had a middle class upbringing. There wasn't loads of money but we did swimming and music lessons and Brownies. Both my parents worked - DM part time but 45 mins drive away. Our house wasn't always the tidiest and neither is mine now. I don't actually see our lives as so different but DM is always telling me how busy I am and how I don't make enough time for me and the children just to be.

I do think the previous generation struggled as well though. I know DM found her parental expectations hard and wished there was more money so she didn't have to juggle. I know MIL who was a SAHM found life lonely and parenting my dh challenging. She looks back and wished she'd found time for more joyful family time and less drudgery. They both help me with childcare but don't seem to think I have it particularly easy, despite my washing machine, which I'm pretty sure they had too.

Not all of our mothers did cope, there was much less help available for mums who weren't coping when I was young, it just got worse and worse until it went boom back then. It just seemed as if mums coped better years ago because no-one talked about not coping as if they did it was a quick ticket to social service land.

I posted early on, but came back to read what's been said since.

I think the BIG difference is the number and intensity of extra-curricular and school activities we all consider essential accomplishments for our children, essential to getting kids into universities or good jobs. Most of this is down to mums, working or SAH, to organise and facilitate.

In the extreme rural areas of Cornwall, where I grew up, and presumably ditto in Devon, Dorset, most of Wales and Scotland, Fenland etc., there wasn't a Brownie pack for 15 miles, or Cubs. The closest swimming pool was 25 miles away, but the sea was 200m from the front door. Music lessons? Learned recorder in primary school. Tuition for 11+? None. In my primary school (class size 40+) many of the kids did not have a single book in the house according to my then headmaster.

But by the time I was 9, we knew the geography of my area in a five mile radius like the back of our hands, knew when the tide would be high, and how to climb a shale cliff in an emergency. We knew not to get into a field of bullocks, the difference between bulls and cows, that pigs can be frightening and that a dog with a belly torn on barbed wire needs you to flag down the doctor's car when you see him on his round. I learnt to whistle, really loud, with my fingers to signal an emergency. I don't play netball or hockey, or tiddleywinks, but at a push (a big one now), I can row, swim, sail, climb and run, even at 60+, as well as gut fish and fowl, cook, clean and manage a household. In rural spots, real life physical skills are rated above sports. It may not often be necessary, and it certainly ain't interesting, but it's vital that academia be balanced with practical skills. (Not a prepper BTW! I know it sounds like it). My mother and grandmother could manage all the above (except boats) and could also ride any horse and make polite conversation at every level of society.

Leave it to all of you decide who is best equipped for life: those growing up in the 1960s and 70s, or the sheltered snowflakes I read about on here. There were MH and disability issues too (rather a lot as one of the main occupations was quarrying granite, the other fishing, and come to think of it incest was pretty normal then). Never look back on the past with rose tinted glasses, but equally do not dismiss the value of the just get on with it attitude.

I can see that some things were harder for my mum back in the 60s/70s eg terry nappies with twin tub. But other things were much easier eg the school run, which consisted of turfing us out of the front door with instructions not to talk to strangers (Charlie says).

It's the generations further back who make me wonder how they coped. No contraception, no vaccines. How did they get through the day? My paternal grandma has her children in the 20s/30s. She lost 2 boys to TB (aged 11 and 9). A few years later she lost her eldest daughter to polio (aged 7) and her other daughter (aged 6) was permanently disabled by it. Then she died in childbirth leaving her widowed mother to bring up her 3 remaining children. I know this wasn't that unusual for the time. How did they push through that much grief?

BlondieBonce, at the risk of making myself extremely unpopular on here, in the 1950s and 1960s single parenthood was stigmatised because it was so difficult/impossible. Before 1967, you gave your illegitimate child up for adoption, post 1967 you had a termination. The Pill gave women control over their fertility from 1963 or so. Consequences...

My parents subscribed to the 'children should be seen and not heard' rule. They did not entertain us or take much interest in us, so they were better able to get everything done. We lived rurally and my mum 'was not a taxi' so we didn't attend any out of school activities We became self sufficient very young and would spent hours reading, or playing alone, and from about 9 we would take a picnic and head out all day across the fields for a walk, or on our bikes. We even used to cycle 10 miles to a river and shoot down a stretch of rapids on a lilo. Can you imagine anyone allowing their kids to do that now?

It was much harder for them in that even the 'better off' would be considered struggling by today's standards. Mortgage interest went up to 15+%. Petrol and oil were astronomicaly expensive. We had an oil boiler, so basically lived without central heating and had one bath a week (we all shared the water one after another). We never ate out, clothes came from jumble sales or were home made etc. My parents were wealthy compared to most. In that respect their lives were tough.

OC, I was about to say the same. in an earlier era you could not keep your child if you were a sinel parent, or rather your father would have forced the young man who got you up the duff to marry you whether he liked it or not and his parents would have made him marry you too.

People are wimpier nowadays and expect more time to themselves. However, in the 70s a lot of mums were not working or, if they were, the job was easier. Nowadays, most mums work which, inevitably, makes life harder.

Mine wasn't disabled. That's why I have a cleaner.

I think I have it harder tbh. I work (main breadwinner) plus do the vast majority of childcare. Appliances still have to be loaded and unloaded - they don't make the work vanish. I have no family nearby - my mother had both sets of grandparents. She also had a DH who brought in a great wage, so she didn't have to work. She openly admits she had a 'not coping phase' when she would ring him on his work trips because of things like a mouse in the loft..... I would easily and without flapping, deal with such an issue.

My Mum was a SAHM with 3 children but we didn't go to any after school clubs. She did a car share with another neighbour for my brother and my sister and I used to walk home as our school was only 500m away. We didn't do anything 'educational' on weekends.
I work away 3 days a week and have 2 children. Our children do after school clubs 4 nights a week and on weekends we often have people to stay / for lunch / go on educational outings.
Personally I think women do alot more now than they did in the 70s.

Mice.. mouse trap. I think they pre-date the Victorian era. But chocolate catches them better than cheese. Progress is good.

I agree with lots of what has been said

My mum was younger, she has always been a house wife so didn't have that transition of working on your career to have to be then suddenly focused on something else as well.

My house is too show homey. Posh hard floor so DD can't just crawl/walk about. I suspect my mum had carpet or soft lino.

We were all fed baby food from jars so no cooking and prep.

We were also in bed by 5/6pm. My DD goes to bed at 7 by the time we get in etc.

Social media heightens every parents worry, all the stories and forums we read. I'm anxious as hell most of the time about everything!!

I haven't read the whole thread as am multitasking watching American Gods .

I was a child in the 70s. I was the eldest and my mum had twins when I was 2 (and living abroad as dad was in the raf).

I was never read a story as mum was so busy. We all played outside from a very early age (3 +) so she had time for getting on with stuff reading a lot . When the weather was bad we used to amuse ourselves with games and drawing which is something I think is sadly lacking these days. A lot of kids to seem to be unable to cope without being constantly entertained.

She also worked part time from when I was quite young and then full time when I was about 11 so I used to look after my brothers for an hour after school and help with some housework at the weekends. My dad was posted overseas quite often.

She just got on with it and never moaned really. I think we are a lot more 'leisure centred' these days.

Women do do more, a LOT more, than they did in the 1970s. Our lives are immeasurably enriched by wider horizons. Thank the early feminists for throwing open the doors.

My Mum definitely believes it is harder these days. There are more expectations on women to do it all. I work full time, out the house between 7-6 every day, have 3 kids, 5,6 & 8. I have to juggle all activities, football, beavers, swimming, tennis, guitar plus have no cleaner, au pair. The kids do go to a childminder but that is only when I am at work. I don't know many people who can afford to stay at home these days. Would have loved he opportunity but realistically we could never live on one wage.

Trying to save money, the things I think I should go without are generally things that people just didn't really have in the first 20 years of my life: takeaway coffees, impulse-downloaded books and movies, ready meals and take aways, drinking a lot of wine (I know there have always been drinkers but for women to just treat themselves to wine is a new thing, I think, except for exceptional hard boozers). And the weird thing is, even though I know this, and know I don't need them: it's really hard. It's ok for a day or two and then I just really fancy something new to read, something new to watch, a coffee at the station on one of those awful tired mornings. I just really fancy them.

But not when I am at home. I am fine without buying anything or thinking about buying anything on days when I am within a small radius of my house. If we all fancy a treat we'll just knock up some scones or make something we really like for dinner. Instead of feeling the energy drain out of me, I'll just take 10 minutes for a sit down or a cup of tea. It's just easier and more relaxing to be at home on your own schedule.

I do think that WOH with a commute AND with all the flim flam schools are always thrusting on you can be hard. No way do I work harder than a working class woman of the 60s but I work a damn sight harder than a middle class woman - or man - of the 60s.

Yes Lion we were that house too. Meat, veg, boiled potatoes. I remember the first time my mother served spaghetti. My father just stared at his plate and then said - where's the meat? And how in the world do I eat this?

Property price inflation is a b*gger, agreed, but paying a mortgage at 16% wasn't easy in 1989. It's the inflated expectations that are making life so tough. Social media in particular. Everyone is accustomed to liking Pinterest images constructed by someone whose job it is to post pictures to aspire to. Then you buy it, on easy terms, and only later do you pay, and pay, and pay.