to ask how most of our mothers coped?

[ItalianScallion]

I was born in the 70's. My mother was a SAHM and there were three of us kids. My father worked night shifts.

The youngest of us was born when I was four and the oldest was 7. My mother got us up, took us to school, took us to after school activities and sports whilst maintaining a ridiculously clean home, and doing all the laundry etc with no help or family support.

My DH has a similar upbringing except his mother and father were living abroad and travelled to several different countries to live because of the nature of FIL's work. My MIL worked nights and so they would literally hand over the kids to each other as one came home and the other went to work.

I feel that we were all raised pretty decently and I have a huge amount of respect for my parents and PIL.

Which brings me to my AIBU to think that we are getting softer? My mother and MIL shake their heads in disbelief when they hear of mothers who SAHM, have a nanny/au pair and a weekly cleaner and still talk about how they're not coping.

Don't get me wrong, parenting is a hard job but it seems that popular parenting ideas and methods are allowing us to make rods for our own backs.

Please understand I'm not referring to women with PND or any MH issues. This is MN so I know I'll be flamed by people with their anecdotes of difficult babies and their specific struggles, and I agree that there will always be exceptions to the rule. Still, I can't help but feel that we don't 'just get on with it' the way our mothers did.

I think that they had no choice but to get on with it. That doesn't mean they found it easy, people never really talked about how they felt about it then, you had children you looked after them, you got on and didn't moan - doesn't mean they didn't find it hard or cried etc.

Nowadays (some) people talk about everything, we also see on the internet what we might think are 'perfect' families who appear to have it all, career, status, health, money, relationships..... and it may make some think they are not doing so well. On the other hand though some people moan about the most trivial things bearing in mind we have a lot of machines to help it isn't really that hard to keep a home tidy (I don't mean immaculate), clothes clean and whole family fed healthy food (could be either person in relationship doing this now whereas the bulk would always fall to the woman).. perhaps some of us (dare I say it) are not very organised or spent too long on the internet/mobiles/etc and waste time that way.

Granny ran away from her wealthy parents in 1915 to join the Red Cross as a VAD nurse, serving in Malta for 3 years. She then sailed to New Zealand to marry her ANZAC soldier, whom she had nursed after Gallipoli. She lived in a pitsawn shack high in the mountains on their sheep station, two rooms, no bathroom other than the stream, laundry done in kerosene cans over an open fire. She furnished the shack with furniture made from packing cases and parachute silk. To have her babies, she had to ride to the nearest village, 26 miles away down the stony stream bed, then along a muddy road perched precipitously above a fast-flowing river. She returned with the babies slung over the saddle, balanced by a sack of sugar. A little girl on the neighbouring station died of peritonitis because they couldn't get medical help. A gifted classical violinist, she nevertheless provided music for the district woolshed dances. She made the children's toys from scraps of sheepskin, cooked on an open fire, grew all the family's fruit and vegetables, worked on the land, cooked for the shearing gangs, homeschooled her children. The staunch empire-building type woman of the period. I used to think of her as I struggled with 3 kids, work and home, with a virtually useless exh.

Just read this very good point "Never look back on the past with rose tinted glasses, but equally do not dismiss the value of the just get on with it attitude" very true, excellent point, totally agree with you.

I forgot to say from talking to my MIL, who did work, it was also ok to leave your kids playing outside on the street back then, and get your neighbours to take them in for an hour or so if you would be late from work. So much more of a community. If I'm honest I don't know anyone who would do that now.

I'm a child of the 90s and at first my mother had her entire family as well as a maid to help when I was born. She was a SAHM. Then we moved to Dubai and she had 3 more and we had a live in maid, part time gardener and a driver. She was still a SAHM. I have twins and a weekly cleaner and no family who live nearby (in London) and I work full time and she doesn't know how DH and I do it.
You just do.... But I do miss my babies so much

That should read 70s not 90s!!!

I was born in the 70s too. My Mum was a SAHM and she said I am so lucky to have so many groups, softplays, sports clubs etc etc... So much choice of places to take my kids to. She had 1 baby- preschool group in a church hall, that was it and it wasn't even as often as every week. I remember not doing much in the summer holidays, just in the garden, park, friends houses. When she was pregnant with me, they splashed out on a washing machine! She permanently had nappies soaking in a bucket in the kitchen. I went home from the hospital in a carrycot, loose on the back seat! There were a lot less toys, gadgets, baby/toddler things to buy, which made life harder. On the flip side, us modern Mums feel like we need to buy lots more things to make our children's lives better or easier. We splash out on sports lessons, clubs, annual passes etc. Sometimes I worry my boys are over stimulated and too busy and can't cope with boredom and chill out. No matter what decade we have kids I think we are all muddling through and making the best of what we have. I had a happy loving home and that's what I am giving my kids too.

And, people find different issues hard. One person can juggle the work and children's activities routine without apparent effort, another is good at helping friends work through emotional conflict, and some manage all the above but are hopeless at housekeeping and can never find the mousetrap.

OCsockorphanage not all children born to single mothers were given up for adoption in the 60's. I was born to a single mother in 1963. We lived in a bedsit until my dad eventually came to live with us and we moved to a flat. They then married and had another child.

Mrspeelywaly I agree with seeing being a sahm as a job. That's how I looked on it when I did it and that's why I didn't mind doing absolutely everything. I did find it quiet easy though, much easier than going out to work.

Hard work, That is how. No home shopping,food delivery,disposable nappies,microwave, wardrobe size fridge, little frozen food,no two cars,not many automatic washing machines or tumble dryers, ready meals - what are these? As a mum who had a 5 year old and twin 3 year olds, husband worked shifts and at weekends I worked 20 hours a week. When all children went to school I worked full time. I did not expect to have all this "me" time Mum's expect nowadays. Childcare was shared with husband's shifts. At weekends apart from one a month I was the activity organiser, same during week taking kids to clubs etc. I did housework and cooking when kids had gone to bed sometime working at it 'till 2 in the morning. I did not need to go to a gym or diet to stay thin and active. Only had one car until kids were at University. How did I do it, I accepted my responsibility that it was my choice to have kids therefore I had to do what was necessary without complaining or expecting someone else to help or sort out my life. For school holidays we took our holidays separately and hired a nursery nurse student to cover for the weeks we didn't have holidays. Kids loved it as basically they were given treats for double the amount of time had we only taken the standard two week break together. No foreign holidays until in their teens when we could afford them. Do parents have it easy now, I think so but are too self centred to recognise that they are.

I did not expect to have all this "me" time Mum's expect nowadays

I didn't know how to say that buts it true that I read posts here where people say Im not being stuck at home all day, and I think why not because your husband is stuck work all day.

My Mum kept an immaculate house and had a part time job, but her mental health was never great which I suspect was due to trying to meet expectations. She had a friend who would wash up mugs the minute you'd finished your drink.. I think kids have far more toys than we ever did and do far less chores now. We also have so much more stuff. It was easier to be clean and tidy if you didn't have much to clean and tidy.

Forgot to add, I had no relatives nearby or able to help out. No free childcare hours either.Did I feel hard done by, NO, it was all my choice and my responsibility. No one told me what it would be like so I didn't know anything different. Have three wonderful children who have made their way in life and constantly say"no idea how you did it Mum". I did it as no one was goo g to come in and wave a magic wand to give me all the luxury folk have nowadays and I enjoyed it.

Falange, your story resulted in a strong family unit, and that's great. Many others might not have done. My SIL was adopted, in 1959. Her birth parents eventually married, but had no further babies. Their story was a tragedy.

Manicmij, home delivery of food was normal until the invention of the supermarket in the 60/70s. Butcher and baker both had vans, fisherman sold their catch door to door, the grocer employed a lad to take heavy items to the housewife, the laundry collected and delivered household linens. We have just reinvented it in the last 10 years.

Well being a sahm for one thing, not holding down a job as well. We also weren't as clean then, I have to say. My siblings who were little in the '60s had clean clothes once a week (knickers also). I was a 70s child and mum had got an automatic washing machine so I had clean pants and socks daily but not other clothes. Also, my mum did all the necessary caring, feeding etc but she did not get involved with providing entertainment - you went outside and basically kept out of her hair all day.

I think it's harder now for mums, tbh.

Housing is much more expensive, so requires two salaries. We have to hold down stressful jobs in a less secure working environment, as well as bring up children and do all the household chores. Yes my DH helps but between work and housework we have very little spare time. We can't afford a cleaner.

My mum worked part time so had a lot more free time than I do. She had a lot more time to herself and could swan around garden centres on her days/ afternoons off. I have neither the time nor the money to do that. Not that I begrudge her, but she certainly didnt have it harder than me.

who SAHM, have a nanny/au pair and a weekly cleaner

Who are all these women? I live in a pretty well off area, and even here there are only a small percentage of women in this position. Most people have a cleaner yes but those with childcare are generally working.

I think you've invented a straw woman.

Having said that, I do think we have it easier but more because of the technology - for example my mum is amazed by modern nappies and my MIL says a buggy board would have been a life saver. But yes, work expands to fill the time available, so any extra time we have is filled with higher expectations of what we should be be achieving, whether that be working or the Instagram mummy who has perfectly behaved DC, craft project on the go and cupcakes in the oven.

Sara, i think it depended on the woman. I grew up in a spotless house and my own home was also spotless. There was never dirty washing hanging around to be done, and by 2.30 every day the evening meal was started. To be honest with you I never knew anything else and I also played with my children. I dont know how I did it

My South American friends all think our English friends slack , they complain a lot, some of them are stay at home mums , with husbands who are very successful at their jobs , they have 3 ,4 holidays a year , drive nice cars , have cleaners, yet complain they are tired from school run and kids and life in general ... 😂 I don't get it... I try my best to do things at home . Now that I'm pregnant I don't do much , my house has too many floors and too many bedrooms and I need help with ironing due to pelvis injury and baby wheigh. But my mother in Brazil did all herself , no husband , I think in England what's seemed as doable is very low compared to what I am used to ... so I do it very quickly and jolly happy , specially because I don't like the standards of English cleaners. I understand Times have changed and so does people ...

Just to add our parents never read to us, played with us or took us to activities or out for the day, we were just with other kids who mostly seemed in similar situations. It was dull. I'm not sure what they were doing meanwhile, but I think it's fair to say they had a lot more time to themselves than most people I know now do! I'm not saying it to moan but this is absolutely not how I want my boys to look back on their childhood.

They had Valium - these days it's wine !

Don't psychologists now believe that dull is conducive to boredom, which is what sparks exploration? And imagination? A childhood filled with parent-led fun activities appears to stunt creativity, of the sort that cannot be learned as an adolescent or later in life.

Boredom spurs interests outside the mainstream; the alternative is studious dutiful mini-adults who worry too much about doing the "right" stuff prematurely. I'm sure they make good conformists.

Manicmij, home delivery of food was normal until the invention of the supermarket in the 60/70s. Butcher and baker both had vans, fisherman sold their catch door to door, the grocer employed a lad to take heavy items to the housewife, the laundry collected and delivered household linens. We have just reinvented it in the last 10 years.

Yes, absolutely - and not forgetting the milkman! There's a whole genre of milkman/housewife jokes from that era.

Carry On...