to ask how most of our mothers coped?

[ItalianScallion]

I was born in the 70's. My mother was a SAHM and there were three of us kids. My father worked night shifts.

The youngest of us was born when I was four and the oldest was 7. My mother got us up, took us to school, took us to after school activities and sports whilst maintaining a ridiculously clean home, and doing all the laundry etc with no help or family support.

My DH has a similar upbringing except his mother and father were living abroad and travelled to several different countries to live because of the nature of FIL's work. My MIL worked nights and so they would literally hand over the kids to each other as one came home and the other went to work.

I feel that we were all raised pretty decently and I have a huge amount of respect for my parents and PIL.

Which brings me to my AIBU to think that we are getting softer? My mother and MIL shake their heads in disbelief when they hear of mothers who SAHM, have a nanny/au pair and a weekly cleaner and still talk about how they're not coping.

Don't get me wrong, parenting is a hard job but it seems that popular parenting ideas and methods are allowing us to make rods for our own backs.

Please understand I'm not referring to women with PND or any MH issues. This is MN so I know I'll be flamed by people with their anecdotes of difficult babies and their specific struggles, and I agree that there will always be exceptions to the rule. Still, I can't help but feel that we don't 'just get on with it' the way our mothers did.

My MIL used to leave my husband in the cot with a bottle for a few hours. Presumably she got a lot done. All this tummy time and picking up babies when they cry is just getting in the way of my perfect house.
And of course the coffee culture is different. I meet friends all the time to socialise and go to baby groups which presumably werent as frequent or affordable then.

Times change and the standard of cleanliness in homes has risen over the decades.

Also, remember you only have a child's eye view, mum's are like swans. Graceful on the surface but paddling like made underneath. She may have felt differently at the time.

Cow, not sure about standards of cleanliness being higher now, what makes you say that?

My DP's mum worked in the family business and raised 4 kids, mainly without support. But she was hard working, I am lazier.

I was a SAHM in the 70's. I look back on it fondly now but there was quite a bit of lonliness. No cafe culture then. You invited friends and their toddlers for coffee/tea in the afternoon and hoped they'd return the invitation. We only had 1 car which DH used to get to and from the station. In some ways life was easier, no soft play centres just basic play groups and parks/feeding ducks etc.
On a tight budget so used our local small supermarket for shopping everyday (baby left just inside the door near the cardboard boxes!!!) whilst I took my basket around. When we got home the pram was lugged into the garden and I'd watch her from the kitchen whilst cooking. When DD 2 arrived DD1 was perched precariously on what was called a pram seat on top of the pram. Nightmare on wobbly pavements! We saw the Health Visitor regularly in a clinic in the church hall. She scared the life out of me as a new mum. They all wore brown suits, ivory blouses and sensible shoes. Referred to you as "mother". In those days babies started on solids at three months so big difference from today.

Oh, when you graduated to buggies it was a McLaren stripey thing, shopping on each handle. Poor child was tipped out regularly by the weight. Happy days!

Our mothers were made of much stearner stuff than us!! Point blank true!! We get to whine on mumsnet, Google stuff we're not sure of and still fricking moan about the most stupidest of things, constantly!!
Anyone one of us reading this post could probably do with a dose of old time reality to realise how easy we have it these days!!

I was born in 1960 and remember the day we got a fridge (everything kept in the pantry before then, so fresh shop almost every day). The washing machine was a top loader and my mum used a mangle to squeeze the water out. She worked full time as a teacher and ran the church choir / played the organ. I don't think I could do what she did, but she seemed to take it in her stride.

YANBU. My grandma worked part time and had an 18 month gap between each of her 3dc. Grandad worked long night shifts.

She didn't drive. Her fanciest piece of technology was her twin tub. Meals from scratch, immaculate house etc. I take my hat off to her.

I on the other hand also work part time. I have 2 dc with a small age gap. I have every labour saving device under the sun, including a car and I still struggle sometimes.

My mum did it (and did it well) because -

1. her kids weren't as needy. I was left alone to play a lot and I didn't mind, as long as I could play!
2. My dad is very well off and she has/had a cleaner, an ironing lady weekly
3. You weren't expected to be watching over your PFBs every minute of the day
4. She's just awesome anyway!

Oh yes, she didn't get a fridge until her dc had flown the nest, so a fresh shop every day.

Can't be bothered to read the whole thread but my mum had it a lot easier than I do. She didn't work or drive, we walked ourselves to school and back, if we wanted to meet friends or do after school activities, we had to take ourselves there. There were no pressures on anyone to achieve, go to a certain school, or do a billion after school clubs. Dad came home around 5pm nearly every day and we'd have a cold tea. We didn't have a lot of money but we went on three week summer holidays, usually camping or staying in friends' houses. My mum was a wonderfully relaxed and patient person. I'm the opposite.

FWIW, I also think I had it a lot easier as a child than my own children do now.

Another difference between now and then. No time spent on the school run. Once we knew the route roughly or had a friend who knew, you were on your own. I went to a new school aged 6. I was taken once, after that on my own.

There were fewer after school activities. If you did any, again you went alone or with Friends. Mother s didn't sit beside the pool for swimming lessons either. Unless maybe if it was weekend.

My mum worked all hours, doing three jobs, our dad was a paramedic and ran his own business, and me and my brother pretty much fended for ourselves from a young age. We were allowed to be bored, but I must admit, I try to be there more for my kids. But I just think it depends on the circumstance, not the year. I had 4 children, was working, plus running a home and with stagnating wages and the price of everything going up, I reckon I have it just as hard....

We played outside, no running around dropping us to endless music, sport lessons. We went to school, she shopped, cooked, cleaned the house, we played in the street after school. Nobody banged on about 'quality time'. I can't remember my mother playing with me once, or doing art or any of the millions of things modern parents are expected to do.

Oh yeah - and they also left schooling to the school and never once got involved, or even asked about, homework.

Oh...and she had a cleaner....

YANBU - you just get on with it.

I find all this lip quivering and confessionalisation (may just have invented that word!) that we have to endure these days quite exasperating.

I have a friend whose husband died when she was 28 after just six years of marriage. She had to bring up their two children alone in very difficult circumstances. She didn't lose it or break down, she kept it together and they are a credit to her selflessness and self control.

None of the mums I know lose it or break down or whinge all the time... we all get on with it and everyone works really hard. Not sure what the point of this thread is really.

Admittedly, we all drink a lot of wine to numb the pain, but then my mum had a chocolate addiction, for similar reasons, I'm sure.

I can't say I can see a major difference between me and my mum.
She had a washing machine from very early in as well as a dishwasher and a freezer. Just like me.
She was working full time.
No family help around.

The one VERY big difference is that there wasn't the endless after school activities to take us to. So at the end fo the school day, we are at home and that was it. No running around until 7.00pm dropping and collecting people from different places.

In some ways, the life was simpler but then you can make it simpler too if you really want to.

I think expectations are over inflated these days.
Apart from in cases of mh problems a stiff upper lip and a get on with it attitude are good things.
This was a more common trait back then.
Now there is whinging and entitlement is more common.
We certainly aren't happier.

Mmm..interesting one. My mother didn't work for a long time outside the house. Probably the best part of 15 years, so a long time after her children were established in secondary school and perfectly able to look after themselves. My dad had a van supplied by work for most of the time, so the family car was hers to use during the day, which put her well ahead of many of her contemporaries, but all the domestic work and child-rearing was hers to do, no outside help. My situation is similar to that now - kids well advanced into teens, I take responsibility for all the domestic side - and it is A PIECE OF FUCKING PISS compared to juggling FT work, home and childcare. So I think a lot of her life must have been easier than mine when I was chasing around doing a FT job, on-call duties, commuting, and all the rest of it (some of it as a single parent). That said, she did seem to spend a lot of time being really, really angry and depressed, and had a harder menopause it seems, and a tricky mother. So -- simpler? harder? Dunno. Might be very, very subjective. I've got more money than she had, more education and my choice of jobs was much wider. Also, I came up in a period of greater social mobility. So...on balance, I think I have it better.

My parents bought their lovely house for about 50p, well, not far off, Dad worked for council and the detached house in a village was only twice as much as his very average annual wage - when would that happen now?? We have more conveniences but a load more stress with it in my opinion. Ignorance was bliss as far as child rearing was concerned if you ask my mum. Plus lots more people (granted not all) did have family and life long friends living closeby, now it's not unusual to be spread around the country or even world. I think the sahm with a nanny and cleaner etc you describe falls more in to the having more money than they know what to do with moaner, but I certainly don't know any and definitely don't think it's indicitive of a modern mum!! Most women I know are winging it spinning a million plates, working as they have to, feeling sh*t that there's a million bloggers and pinterest pages showing them how they are failing at being the perfect mother/wife/housekeeper/career woman.

Just stay away from Pinterest! You know all those mummy bloggers, I bet behind the scenes their lives look rather different...

Peanutbutter you have hit the nail on the head. From newborns we were left for hours on our own in the cot or outside in the pram and this continued through childhood. We walked to school and home by ourselves whatever the weather. Our parents never played with us and any activities were up to us to get to and from. We ate what was put on front of us and it wasn't anything special (boiled potatoes every night anyone?). I think they probably had loads more time than us.

I think it comes down to money. If you can't afford it you get on with it or crack up! If you can afford it why wouldn't you get help. It's as simple as that. Not one set of women stronger or better than the other. One set can afford, one cannot. With a few exceptions, I have 6 kids - did everything myself until number 6 - now have ironing person and other childcare but still a SAHM. If you could easily afford to have your car washed without batting an eyelid financially you prob would - with a few exceptions - this is no different imho.

Fair play to the women who have to get on with it - but equally all respect to women who can afford help and prioritise it. It's not going to say on your gravestone "I did it all myself with the kids I'm a super hero" - no it's not - find time to do some pleasurable things in life because you are a long time dead !! Even when you can't afford actual help - try and treat yourself and get free help if you can - unless of course you are Mary Poppins in which case - great for you 👍🏻 We are not all Mary Poppins - I'm more like the old woman in the shoe 😆🤣🤣