To be upset at DP for wanting a termination?

[Pineapplepie]

Hello, nc coz I'm shitting myself, but a regular poster.

feeling a bit wobbly so will do my best not to drip feed

I'm one of those really annoying people who has found themselves accidentally pregnant. (although I have previously had fertility struggles, this little bean has come as a total shock, and would be dc1 for us both) I found out today and would assume I'm about 4w 2d. So not far along at all.

Dp really wants a termination and I can see why, as our situation is not ideal but I don't know if I could hack it.

The pros of having a baby, are that we have a child.
We would have support- all our family are within 40 mins of us in Newcastle so really good, and dps mam is retired and has offered support to all her gcs

The cons/ struggles are:
I've just finished my Msc. so am unemployed
We don't live together (young professional/mature student houseshare jobbys)
We don't have professions
It would be a rush
We've only been seeing achother a year (just under)
Expensive
Strain on relationships
(Ours with eachother and with friends)
Terrefying

I'm sure I could go on.

But despite all this I find myself not wanting the terminaton

Please help
Wibu to have this baby?

Starlight I agree that there are a lot of debates that are not necessary for this thread.

The DH has not said he will leave, he has not said that it is anything other than Pineapple's decision, there is no question that anyone was not-using-sufficient-contraceptive.

You don't want a termination. You have had fertility issues.

There's always a reason not to have a baby. Not enough money. Not enough support.

Don't do it OP.

Hmm, I think a better way to phrase the post you object to trills would be if a person feels so strongly about the prospect of pregnancy. Rather than having a baby, because of course that's not a necessary outcome of pregnancy. A woman could quite logically have lots of PIV even if she really wants to avoid having a child, provided she's ok with aborting.

But as it is true that if anyone is having PIV and one partner isn't completely infertile (by which I mean something like lacking part of the required equipment rather than PCOS, pregnancy is a possible outcome) if a person does feel strongly enough about avoiding that, well, there is only one way to be certain, isn't there?

There was a similar thread last week and I will give you the same advice.

Never, never, never abort your wanted baby for a man. Ever.

Men come and men go. It's a separate issue. But your fertility problem and the baby you're carrying are all about you, not him.

This might be too honest for my own good, but I was in a similar situation in that my (now) DH wanted me to have a termination, I wasn't sure, but then I did it anyway.

I don't resent him for it. People said I would, but I don't. Hence he is my DH. We were 21 and 24 at the time, I was still at uni, we lived together albeit with parents. He more or less instantly knew what he thought was the right decision for us and he never wavered. I did what you're doing, and ended up trying to imagine the situation either way, wondering if he'd stand by me if I kept it (he really couldn't imagine keeping it), what if I could never get pregnant again. What if there was some weird karma that meant this would be my only chance (no known fertility issues admittedly).

I won't say I don't think about it, because I do. But I am glad we went with the termination. We are now four years down the line, DH in a better career, mine well established with further qualifications gotten along the way, we are married, about to move into our second home together as we have been lucky enough to be able to upsize already, and considering when the right time to start a family might be.

It is your body and it is your choice. I think what resonates with me is that the thought that you'll resent your DP. You will if it's definitely not what you want to do. But you sound unsure, which is where I was. I listened to my DH because I was unsure, and I don't regret it at all. It's a decision you have to live with, though.

Thanks all.
I want to clear this up.
We generally use double contraception, but went away at the beginning of the month /end of last month, and didn't use a condom on the first day of our trip.
I take the mycrogynon daily at 745
Stop slating me for having sex. I imagine you've all done it?!

I don't know if any of that was aimed at me OP, I'm just saying that if anyone has PIV sex, even with contraception, unless they know for certain that conception is medically impossible (PCOS doesn't even come close) then pregnancy is a possible outcome and everyone should be aware of that. You and your DP equally.

Would also echo the posts from those telling you to ignore anyone saying you're obviously fertile and thus could conceive again later. It's probability. Maths.

Have the baby. Me and my DP do not want children just yet but if I got pregnant by accident I would have the baby and wouldn't be able to terminate.
I am in a similar situation to you, I have been told by doctors that it will be highly unlikely that I would be able to have children without help and even then it might not happen so I wouldn't think twice if I got pregnant even though we are not actually ready for children just yet.

op I got pregnant on the same pill as you are using. I had exactly the same concerns and almost had a breakdown thinking about what was best.
DC is now 20 & I am glad I made the decision I did. Yea it was tough for a while but I wouldn't have it any other way!
Go with your heart

You need to make up your own mind, not have a man make it up for you.

It would he a no-brainer for me (i would keep baby). It's early days, it has come as a shock to you both. Give your DP some time to get his head around the situation. You may find that he will change his mind. Financially you are in a great position, much better than a lot of people. And one thing I was always told is, there will never be a 'right' time. You will never feel like you are 100% prepared financially for example. Sometimes you just have to take the plunge.

PCOS really isn't always the fertility-killer people say it is. I have PCOS - badly - and have conceived naturally (without Clomid) twice within a year at 31 (we miscarried the first time unfortunately).

I'm not saying what you should or shouldn't do - that's your decision alone - but just saying that having PCOS doesn't necessarily mean it will be hard for you conceive again, especially now you've done it once naturally which shows you ARE ovulating.

No peach, it shows she did ovulate this month. It doesn't mean she is reliably ovulating.

I would imagine that if the OP has been put on Microgynon to regulate her periods due to very sporadic ovulation then she's probably at higher risk of getting PG on the pill when she's ovulating regularly (especially if she was a bit hit and miss at taking the pills) than if she was not on the pill and didn't ovulate with any regularity at all!

It's still pretty remarkable to have sex once with no condom when you are apparently taking the pill correctly, and BANG! get pregnant on that one and only time you didn't double up.

I can never quite get over how many people swear they where on cast iron BC with no negligence or failure to use properly when they conceived.

Yeah, it shows that you ovulated once...

If you are on the pill doesn't that force you to ovulate though? If you don't ovulate you don't get a period, surely? Also if you don't realise you are PG and continue to take your pill as normal does it make you bleed even if you are PG, so you might not even realise for ages? Or if you take the continuous one with no periods, can you miss that you are PG because you aren't looking out for a missed period?

Gawd, I feel SO old, I haven't taken the pill since about 1992 so I can't remember any of it.

I can never quite get over how many people swear they where on cast iron BC with no negligence or failure to use properly when they conceived.

Why?

We know that all contraception has a failure rate, so there will be x number in every thousand or whatever who will get pregnant in a certain period even with perfect use. We also know that some people won't realise they weren't doing it right, and some methods are less effective with some individuals.

And don't forget, people who were using contraception perfectly, to the best of their knowledge, are going to be more likely to speak up in discussions like this. Personally I got pregnant accidentally because I was being careless, so no axe to grind. But people are going to remember the stories like OPs more, because they're more interesting and unusual than someone who gets pregnant as soon as a penis is waved in their general direction being cavalier and the not at all surprising result of that (ie me).

"If you are on the pill doesn't that force you to ovulate though? If you don't ovulate you don't get a period, surely?"

No, the pill prevents ovulation, and the bleed you get isn't a real period - there's no discarded egg, I think it's just uterus lining or something.

Unless the pill fails, of course, and you ovulate anyway!

Have the baby. I got pregnant (also contraceptive failure) 3 months into a relationship when I was at medical school. I made it work.

Why?

I think because of the sheer number of people who go on to have those babies. I think most people who were actively, genuinely trying to avoid becoming pregnant would be more inclined to terminate.

Also, the accepted 'failure rate' does seem to be so high because it's skewed by the user's failure to take/use it properly, rather than a genuine failure of properly and consistently utilised BC.

I'll be honest, we hear 'I got PG by accident because my BC failed' about 10 times a week on here, and I'd say I am a little cynical in at about 50% of cases.

Not that there is any shame at all in saying 'I ballsed up. I thought it was a safe week. I took a stupid chance and I got caught out.' Yet weirdly, we hardly ever hear that.

Thank you Emma of course you don't ovulate, that's how it stops you getting PG! God, I am being incredibly thick this morning!

Considering I've had three children you'd expect me to be a bit more on the ball about this stuff really.

"Yeh. People here really don't understand probabilities."

^ This.

OP had unprotected sex for two years without pregnancy. This one accidental pregnancy despite double contraception is not the norm for her fertility. It could be her miracle baby.

I think because of the sheer number of people who go on to have those babies. I think most people who were actively, genuinely trying to avoid becoming pregnant would be more inclined to terminate.

That's a pretty big assumption. It really is. You cannot presume that everyone feels as you do. It simply isn't the case that everyone who cares enough about avoiding pregnancy to use contraception to the best of their ability would also choose abortion if pregnancy did occur. For one thing, loads of people are morally opposed to it.

There are women who desperately don't want to conceive, but believe abortion is a sin and they'll go to hell if they do it. There are women who would like an abortion but are guilted or threatened into not having one by loved ones, or even wider society, and there are women who for whatever reason aren't able to access one. I mean, we as a society come at this with a lot of cultural baggage. The idea that it's a baby as soon as you find out is a pretty mainstream one, as is the idea that abortion shouldn't be allowed at all. Lots and lots of people think these things. It shouldn't come as any surprise that some women who have unplanned pregnancies might hold these ideas, and others might absorb these ideas and thus find continuing with the pregnancy to be preferable.

As for the rest, there are ideal use failure rates and typical failure rates. The FPA provide both:

www.fpa.org.uk/sites/default/files/your-contraceptive-choices-chart.pdf

Again, remember that some of the people using imperfectly won't know they're making mistakes, and thus will be telling their truth when they said they did everything right. But even with perfect use, it's not 100% and when you consider just how many human beings are having sex, the potentially affected numbers even from a 1 or 2% perfect use failure rate are quite high.

Then, factor in all the people who aren't posting on MN about how they used contraception perfectly and still got pregnant. This site has millions of readers, and how many posts? If everyone who used contraception without getting pregnant and who got pregnant when not using contraception posted about those experiences at the same rate as people like OP do, what would the ratio look like then?

I think because of the sheer number of people who go on to have those babies. I think most people who were actively, genuinely trying to avoid becoming pregnant would be more inclined to terminate.

Whilst I am not "pro-life"... I don't think I would have an abortion unless under extremely unusual circumstances.

When I chose to have PIV intercourse I knew that pregnancy was a possibility. I did my very best to prevent that possibility (and did so successfully) but I wouldn't have gotten an abortion.

And yes, I had that talk with DH (before he was DH) and he was luckily ok with that. Doing our best to prevent pregnancy but accepting thast we'd become parents sooner than planned should it still occur.

And nowadays I'm pregnant with DD2 and my opinion on this (just for me personally) hasn't changed.

Interestingly enough... I got pregnant with DD2 a month before we decided to try for a 2nd child.

But that's obviously not a comparable situation.