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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at DP for wanting a termination?

186 replies

Pineapplepie · 20/05/2017 19:11

Hello, nc coz I'm shitting myself, but a regular poster.

feeling a bit wobbly so will do my best not to drip feed

I'm one of those really annoying people who has found themselves accidentally pregnant. (although I have previously had fertility struggles, this little bean has come as a total shock, and would be dc1 for us both) I found out today and would assume I'm about 4w 2d. So not far along at all.

Dp really wants a termination and I can see why, as our situation is not ideal but I don't know if I could hack it.

The pros of having a baby, are that we have a child.
We would have support- all our family are within 40 mins of us in Newcastle so really good, and dps mam is retired and has offered support to all her gcs

The cons/ struggles are:
I've just finished my Msc. so am unemployed
We don't live together (young professional/mature student houseshare jobbys)
We don't have professions
It would be a rush
We've only been seeing achother a year (just under)
Expensive
Strain on relationships
(Ours with eachother and with friends)
Terrefying

I'm sure I could go on.

But despite all this I find myself not wanting the terminaton

Please help
Wibu to have this baby?

OP posts:
tiba · 21/05/2017 01:32

I fell pregnant when I had only been with dp a very short time.
I had also suffered with fertility issues so it was a big surprise.

We made the decision to terminate on the basis that I wasn't working at the time, was job searching and living with parents.

Il never forget the pain and hurt the termination bought.

Dp stuck by me and has been my rock.
I got a great job just a few weeks after the termination and moved in with dp about 4 months later.

My biggest fear was that the pregnancy I had terminated might have been my one and only chance. But i had also rather conflictingly been given the knowledge that I could get pregnant.

We then made the decision to try for a baby after we had been living together 6 months and by an amazing stroke of luck it didn't take too long.

I haven't given birth yet, but due to soon.
I'm still not 100% ready for this baby, but I have a better support network around me and a secure job to go back to.

I can't say what is right for you.

But this is my experience.

I still regret the termination every day. But I made the decision to do it.
And I still know today that it was the right decision at the time and life would be much harder if I hadn't.

I would probably be in a very different frame of mind if I was still struggling to conceive now, and that's something I had no idea on at the time.
Looking back it was a total gamble.
I really didn't consider the alternatives for long at all.
I hate that part the most.

TheManeEvent · 21/05/2017 01:37

In a few years time you could be properly settled in your relationship and living together, you could have an established job and you could get pregnant knowing that your child will be wanted by both you and his father. you wouldn't have to deal with all the nonsense associated with an absent or unwilling father. Have you seen all the millions of threads about maintainence, weekend visits, Disney dads, new partners etc. I KNOW I can all work out but why would you risk it when you could just wait a couple of years.

What would be best for a child?

steff13 · 21/05/2017 01:39

Or she could never successfully get pregnant again.

Ollivander84 · 21/05/2017 01:40

If you want to keep the baby, that's fine
If you want a termination, that's fine too
It's entirely your decision. There are people on here that have had terminations and can tell you about their experiences, and people that are single parents, people with fertility problems etc etc. You can have all the advice you want on anything you decide. What does your head and heart say? And how did you feel when you saw the test, gut reaction?

OkPedro · 21/05/2017 01:49

"You'll never regret having the baby" Now that is bullshit. Women are expected to love unconditionally and if we don't there must be something wrong with us.

op If you want to continue with the pregnancy then that is absolutely your choice

If i could go back, I'd wait until I had many years of working, more partying, travelling and just experiencing life as a young adult without responsibility.

Babies/children will take over your life and no matter how much support you think you have, that child is still 100% your responsibility

Italiangreyhound · 21/05/2017 01:57

OkPedro but we do not get to choose that we want to not have that baby now and have them later. We can terminate a pregnancy and then try again in a few years time. It won't be that baby and it might not be any baby.

Maybe some women and men do not love their kids, but I think most do, and would not want to be without them. And why is baby 100% the mother's responsibility, doesn't dad take any responsibility, if there is a dad on the scene?

Italiangreyhound · 21/05/2017 02:03

TheManeEvent "I KNOW I can all work out but why would you risk it when you could just wait a couple of years.
What would be best for a child?"

But waiting a couple of years could be a risk and here may be no child to consider the welfare of.

I really think it should be your choice OP, what do you feel?

OkPedro · 21/05/2017 02:04

I don't understand the first part of your post .
italian sorry..

I was referring to the op possibly being a single parent when I said 100% your responsibility.

Italiangreyhound · 21/05/2017 02:15

Well it is late! Yes, I see you mean it will be a 100% her responsibility if her partner does not stay around to parent the child. Yes, it will.

Ok, will try again with the first bit...

OkPedro but we do not get to choose that we want to not have that baby now and have them later - we cannot have our cake and still eat it, only in reverse.

For example, I could say to you lets not eat for lunch this week but can you commit to next week, you can, great, nothing can stop us!

Or a second situation, I could apply for a course or a job, get that course/job, love it but say actually I want to travel to Australia for a year and then come back and study/work for this company and in this role.

For the course it would probably be fine but for the job it is quite unlikely a company would agree to this, but if they did, then yes, one could choose to postpone an event (like starting a course or starting a new job).

But we cannot do this with a pregnancy, we can terminate a pregnancy and then try again in a few years time and have that same baby and we cannot guarantee that there will be a baby. So it is a gamble. Maybe OP will decide to do this, maybe not. But human fertility is so varied.

My point was that you seemed to be implying that one could sort of postpone an event, and sometimes we can, and sometimes we can't. Fertility is such a complicated thing. I have friends and neighbors who have babies at the drop of a hat. But for us, we, despite major assistance, had only two pregnancies that resulted in only one baby.

It was an answer to those saying the OP could just do this all in a couple of years when she is more stable.

If it doesn't make sense, no worries!

gemma19846 · 21/05/2017 02:15

It will be you that makes the final decision and you that will have to live with that choice forever. If you have any doubts then dont. I had a termination at 18 for various reasons and i still think about it all the time. Every year he/she would be * years old etc. There will always be reasons to not be in the best position to have a baby but you will manage and you WILL cope. I always think to myself "nobody ever regrets having a child but people DO regret having terminations". Make sure you are 100% sure if you decide not to carry on with the pregnancy. As someone else stated you may not always get the chance to be pregnant again. Good luck with whatever you chose to do x

quizqueen · 21/05/2017 03:09

People don't get pregnant by accident; they get pregnant because they can't be bothered to take precautions. Let's be honest here.

gemma19846 · 21/05/2017 03:26

If you read the thread properly she was on the pill

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/05/2017 03:35

Don't be an idiot @quizqueen

NameChange30 · 21/05/2017 03:49

"by some miracle I've got pregnant against the odds after diagnosis at NHS and private hospitals with fertility concerns"

It's not exactly a miracle. Of course PCOS makes it more difficult to get pregnant, but not impossible - women with PCOS do get pregnant. You are obviously a case in point. But other women actively TTC do have success with clomid and other medication.

However, calling it a "miracle" and a "little bean" suggests to me that you see this pregnancy as a positive thing, and you're already emotionally invested in it, so it sounds like you want to continue with it.

"I'm highly qualified so hope to get a job almost immediately, so I qualify for smp."
You won't be entitled to SMP. You have to be in the job before getting pregnant to qualify for SMP. You might be entitled to Maternity Allowance instead if you can get a job quickly. I think you're naive to assume you can, although you (hopefully) know what the job market is like where you are. I would get applying NOW though. Pregnancy discrimination is against the law but in reality it could be difficult for you to get a job if you're visibly pregnant.

Think about worst case scenario (single and unemployed) as well as best case, and if you'd still want the baby in that scenario, go ahead.

Oh and to answer your question I think your partner is entitled to his opinion although it's your decision obviously.

numberseven · 21/05/2017 04:20

For fucks sake don't base even 1% of your decision on people telling you you don't sound like you have fertility problems because you've managed one accidental v early pregnancy.

Yeh. People here really don't understand probabilities.

If I were you, I'd keep the baby tbh. You're not super young, you have your education, you have family support, and you know you want children. Timing is not perfect but when is it ever. Then again, I am not you.

LeCreusetQueen · 21/05/2017 05:36

I think in this situation, the heart must rule the head.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 21/05/2017 05:59

Single, unemployed, not as much family support as you hoped for, high/special needs child is probably the worst case scenario if you decide to continue with the pregnancy. I don't see that as ruining your life, much less his.

If you terminate, you will be able to continue your relationship for an unknown amount of time. If you have a baby, you risk your relationship with dp, but will likely have a relationship with your child for the next 60 years.

It's v early days, so I'd do nothing. It think (and maybe find some independent advise/counselling) for the next couple of weeks. Give DP some time to come to terms with the idea.

JuicyStrawberry · 21/05/2017 06:15

If you want the baby which it sounds like you do, then you should go ahead with the pregnancy. It's not up to him. If you have had fertility problems then this may only be your only chance.
It's ultimately your decision and nobody else's.

I once had a boyfriend who said quite a few times that if I ever fell pregnant then the only option would be an abortion, like he had just made that decision already. He was so scared of me falling pregnant but yet wanted sex all the time and didn't like using condoms Hmm. I wish I'd have dumped him sooner than I did!

Antiopa12 · 21/05/2017 06:35

A colleague was told she would be unable to get pregnant. She came in one day and announced she was pregnant but the boyfriend had given her an ultimatum and was putting a lot of pressure on her, it was him or the baby. If she loved him she should have a termination . She had the termination. Three months later he left her.
If you have fertility issues and by some miracle you become pregnant this may be your one chance to be a mother

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 21/05/2017 06:45

I'm sorry you're getting such a hard time OP. For what it's worth, I think you're clearly taking your DPS views into consideration, or you wouldn't be so torn and you wouldn't of started this thread.

People sound a bit thick by claiming it doesn't sound like you have fertility issues. Fertility is a strange thing and maybe everything was just lined up "right"

The crux of it is, you sound like you want this baby. Your relationship possibly won't survive if you have it, but similarly it might not survive if you terminate and sadly I think that might leave you feeling much more bitter. If your DPS is "the one" you'll get through it. If he's not (and you don't terminate) you'll still have the baby.

I'm not anti abortion to be clear, it's just clear the OP wants the baby and the only doubt is the careful consideration she's taking for her partners opinion.

DireStraights · 21/05/2017 06:52

I would have the baby if you are prepared to be a lone parent. You sound clear you want children in your life. Your child has just come early.

I had fertility issues and I would not have been able to cope if i'd had a prior termination.

OhhBetty · 21/05/2017 08:10

HildaOg If he, or any man or even woman for that matter, feels so strongly about not having a baby they should not be having sex.

Starlight2345 · 21/05/2017 08:27

There are a lot of debates unnecessary for this thread..The woman does get to decide because she is the one who carries the baby and if the man doesn't want it is left to bring the baby up alone if the man is not interested.. It is not a debate for this thread.

Your fertility issues do have to be a factor. I do know someone who conceived her first naturally then went onto have IVF. You are alreaady who potentially could not conceive naturally so yes you do very much need to consider this could be your only chance to have a child.

Single parenthood. Also can happy to anyone. There are many stories where the man has left when the woman is pregnant. He hasn't at this point said he is going to leave. That is his gut feeling , It doesn't automatically mean he is going to leave or not love this baby. However you do have to consider what you would do if he does.

This is a decision that your don't need to make today but do need to start thinking about.

Good luck op.

C0untDucku1a · 21/05/2017 08:30

Ohhbetty or even use a condom, which is completely in his control, every time.

Trills · 21/05/2017 08:33

If he, or any man or even woman for that matter, feels so strongly about not having a baby they should not be having sex.

What a twattish thing to say.

I expect there are many people on MN who feel very strongly about not wanting to be pregnant right now, who nonetheless do want to have sex (and don't want to be sterilised yet).