To be upset at DP for wanting a termination?

[Pineapplepie]

Hello, nc coz I'm shitting myself, but a regular poster.

feeling a bit wobbly so will do my best not to drip feed

I'm one of those really annoying people who has found themselves accidentally pregnant. (although I have previously had fertility struggles, this little bean has come as a total shock, and would be dc1 for us both) I found out today and would assume I'm about 4w 2d. So not far along at all.

Dp really wants a termination and I can see why, as our situation is not ideal but I don't know if I could hack it.

The pros of having a baby, are that we have a child.
We would have support- all our family are within 40 mins of us in Newcastle so really good, and dps mam is retired and has offered support to all her gcs

The cons/ struggles are:
I've just finished my Msc. so am unemployed
We don't live together (young professional/mature student houseshare jobbys)
We don't have professions
It would be a rush
We've only been seeing achother a year (just under)
Expensive
Strain on relationships
(Ours with eachother and with friends)
Terrefying

I'm sure I could go on.

But despite all this I find myself not wanting the terminaton

Please help
Wibu to have this baby?

If you don't want one? Then don't do it.

It's your choice.

The thing is, however it came about, you are pregnant and you want a baby. You have been told you may find it hard to conceive. It's a no brainer for me. You seem able to plan, save, work... You can do it.

You might never get another chance. No brainier.

To be honest in your situation I would continue.

How would you feel bringing baby as LP?

How would you feel if you were unable to conceive in the future? I would get myself any job at all pronto. It will at least give you some income.

I don't think he is BU to have an opinon , however you do get to decide

If you don't want to terminate, I would keep the baby. If you have an abortion now and never again conceive, you will regret this moment. Keeping the baby is as likely to ruin your relationships as getting a termination as you both want the exact opposite of the other. It will be a struggle so now is the time to start planning if this is what you decide to do.

MrsTerryPratchett

If I could make myself un pregnant now, I think I probably would.
I know I definitely would if I knew I wouldn't struggle to get pregnant again.
I also know that at some point I definitely want to be a mother, (much more than I want the career I threw myself into when I thought I would struggle to conceive)
But yes a termination is terrefying

There's no right answer is there?

And I had ivf btw. If I had ended up conceiving naturally, I would have been sooo grateful.

This is a really tricky one. It's not s great time for you to be pregnant that's obvious. However I would consider what you would ideally see as a 'good time', how far in the future that is likely to be and then factor in the possible fertility issues. It sounds harsh -for which I apologise- but for me not being the right time would not be s valid reason for termination. You would also need to consider your rationale for terminating to a hcp . I don't refer for terminations but from my own I recall going through quite a complex assessment system although I have no idea if it's the same these days! You are also incredibly early on in pregnancy, you have time to really think this through and not make a snap decision- providing you don't experience an early miscarriage.Whilst we all say it's a joint decision ultimately of course it's up to you, I really hope what ever you decide works out

Apologies for 's' instead of 'a' I have fat fingers!!

Apologies for 's' instead of 'a' I have fat fingers!!

Sadly this may be your only chance to have a baby, clomid may not be successful etc.

Circumstances are far from ideal but could be far worse!

No, sorry

Sometimes there is no right answer.

You are early so it would be a non-surgical abortion. But only you know whether risking not conceiving again is worse than risking having a baby with an unwilling father in your current circumstances.

How you got anyone you could talk it over with? Neutral. Or somewhere with Brook (are they still around?) who could advise you.

You have an MSc but can't spell terrifying?

Not unreasonable no, it is your decision to make.
I would have a think in practical terms about how you would manage if your relationship didn't last. Both if he buggered off and left you to it, and also if he was very involved and you ended up with 50/50 care, I know I would really struggle with the latter. Just be sure you are going into it eyes open.
But yes if you have pcos you may struggle to get pregnant in future. There is a lot of uncertainty there. On the other hand, as you got pregnant easily this time you may again, or if not you may respond to clomid well.
Has anything changed with your pcos to make it easier to get pregnant, eg have you lost weight?
If you waited until you'd solved your list of negatives eg moved in together, have professions and working, have more money - that would be several years. Would you feel confident TTC in your early or mid thirties?
There isn't a right or wrong answer here.
Is your partner just saying that he prefers a termination, or is he pressuring you to terminate? Just worried as you had an abusive relationship in past. He shouldn't be pressuring your decision.

It's a massive decision to make and your the only one that can make that final decision.

I've had a termination,me and my now DH had only been together a couple of months and I was on medication that could have affected the baby.This was nearly 12 years ago and we both still regret the termination.

A friend of mine was forced by her Mother to have a termination when she was very young and she's sadly had fertility problems since and has never been able to have children,I don't think she'll ever get over that.

But then I have 2 friends that had terminations and it was 100% the right thing for them and they've both gone onto have healthy children afterwards and they've both moved on fine.

Which ever decision you make make sure your making it for you and you alone and make sure that decision is in your best interests because at the end of the day which ever decision you make it's going to affect you more than anyone else and that includes your partner!

And the right decision is the informed one that you make with no pressure from anyone else.

No we used bc I have to take microgynon Everyday to control my period, and we use condoms 90% of the time too! So massive shock!

You might never get another chance. No brainier.

Does it sound like she might never get another chance?

She's only 25 and has already managed to get PG without even trying in spite of being on the pill and using condoms 90% of the time. If that's what fertility struggle looks like then I don't think he needs to worry too much, do you?

Look OP, in the end you'll do what you want. But for what it's worth, I think you will get PG again easily enough when the time is right. Especially as your PCOS is already flagged up and you won't have to wait ages to be given Clomid.

Personally I would not want to embark on parenthood with a man who wasn't fully invested in it and as delighted as I was. I wouldn't want to start that journey in the knowledge that I was having a baby whose father was wishing I wasn't. It's not very nice, is it? But that's just me, and increasingly I realise I am in the minority with that.

wetsthefinger can't spell anything today, on the kindle, and I'm an absolute mess.
I'm sorry! feeling ashamed of my illiteracy 🙈

Thanks all. I will have to speak with him again.
If I'm honest I feel a bit of pressure.
It's just so scary!

I would say have the baby. You'll love it and care for it no matter the circumstances around you.
If you have a termination and struggle to conceive again, I honestly think that you'll regret it.
Lots of people wait for the 'right time' to have a baby. Better house, more money etc and this can end up putting having a baby off for a long time and sometimes the moment passes you by.
You can deal with and fit your situation around your baby. You and your DP if he stays on the scene will work around it all. The timing won't seem as important when your bundle of joy comes in to the world xx

As you are aware - there are fertility treatments if you have those issues.
Currently, you know your fertility isn't an issue as you've accidentally fallen pregnant.

Right now the practical reasons are not supportive of bringing a new life into this world and providing for it adequately.

You seem to think a low paying job in a supermarket/cleaning will ensure you get SMP - not exactly correct. You need to have been employed for a certain length of time with that employer for them to pay you SMP.

We would have support- all our family are within 40 mins of us in Newcastle so really good, and dps mam is retired and has offered support to all her gcs

So the only way you could afford to 'work your ass off' is if you can get free childcare from family?
There is no guarantee that either of your families will be there to provide that full time - your families have other commitments that come first and i doubt the retired grandparent wants to spend all their free time as unpaid childcare - when does she get to actually enjoy her retirement?

Dp really wants a termination

A bloke can't have a termination.

Yes, he has a right to a say, but bottom line you have the casting vote because it's you that's pregnant.

I'm highly qualified, with a job I love ... and I also have PCOS. With the help of clomid I do have a DD - it can work, but obviously no guarantees. If I was in your position, and with the benefit of hindsight ... I'd feel the same as you. If you want a child then it may be the single most important thing in your life.

Having a child at this point in your life may be hard, but it sounds as though you've got what it takes to do it, if that's what you decide.

Best wishes to you whichever course you take - there is no right or wrong answer.

Completely your decision, just bear in mind that you might be doing this as a single mum, if you start off with this in mind then if DP stays then it's a bonus.

You have to make the decision, it's your body and mind at stake here, this isn't an easy one as you will have to live with the consequences either way. Lots of things to think through, have baby and struggle financially until baby goes to school, perhaps lose DP and become single mum. But perhaps have your chance at motherhood which may not happen again or not for a long time.

Have termination and have a career and let your relationship with DP continue along the course it is currently going along. But will having the termination affect your relationship, will you end up resenting DP for the decision you made.

I don't know how you feel about this and how you will react in the future, it's a difficult time to be decision making with the shock of finding out about baby and the various discussions you must be having with DP, I hope you make the right decision for you. Good luck.

MSc not MA so perfectly believable Wets

OP, on another thread today I advised a poster to have a termination, alogn with a lot of other people. First time I've ever done that. She was in an abusive relationship, pressured into the pregnancy, with four other children and their also abusive father/Ex to consider, and had also just had an abnormal smear test which if she continued with the pregnancy would preclude treatment until after the birth. Continuing the pregnancy would tie her for life to yet another abusive arsehole and possibly put her life in danger, and she already had 4 dc to consider.

Even then, many posters were advising her not to have a termination unless she was sure it was what she wanted. And they had a point. Havign a termination when you don't want one is really, really not a good idea. In her case, I considered that the overwhelming positives to termination outweighed the regret.

Your situation is not even in the same universe. If you are not sure about a termination, don't have one, regardles of personal circumstances. But if there are additional personal circumstances such as potential future fertility problems, then REALLY don't have one unless you are sure.

It isn't your DP's decision.

I wouldn't have a baby in your situation and it sounds like you don't really want one but don't feel like you'd be able to go through with an abortion.

25 is still very young. You've not been with the dad that long and don't live together so guessing you're not sharing money.Tbh I wouldn't want to tie myself to a man for life in this situation.

I think it'd take years to get your career going after the baby too so you'd have wasted your msc.

Oh sorry OP I meant to put a winky face after the MA comment-!!!!

That was supposed to be lighthearted-!!

Spelling is definitely not the important thing here

You have an MSc but can't spell terrifying?

Oh ffs, one of my colleagues who was a genius (but dyslexic) had masses of spelling mistakes in his thesis. He'd even managed to get a mis-spelling his dictionary. Myogoblin, iirc. As if the OP needs petty nitpicking.