Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at DP for wanting a termination?

186 replies

Pineapplepie · 20/05/2017 19:11

Hello, nc coz I'm shitting myself, but a regular poster.

feeling a bit wobbly so will do my best not to drip feed

I'm one of those really annoying people who has found themselves accidentally pregnant. (although I have previously had fertility struggles, this little bean has come as a total shock, and would be dc1 for us both) I found out today and would assume I'm about 4w 2d. So not far along at all.

Dp really wants a termination and I can see why, as our situation is not ideal but I don't know if I could hack it.

The pros of having a baby, are that we have a child.
We would have support- all our family are within 40 mins of us in Newcastle so really good, and dps mam is retired and has offered support to all her gcs

The cons/ struggles are:
I've just finished my Msc. so am unemployed
We don't live together (young professional/mature student houseshare jobbys)
We don't have professions
It would be a rush
We've only been seeing achother a year (just under)
Expensive
Strain on relationships
(Ours with eachother and with friends)
Terrefying

I'm sure I could go on.

But despite all this I find myself not wanting the terminaton

Please help
Wibu to have this baby?

OP posts:
ErrolTheDragon · 20/05/2017 20:37

It's his life about to be ruined and future changed for the worse

Thats a heck of an assumption. Men have been known to get over their misgivings and find joy in a baby.

Original poster
Pineapplepie · 20/05/2017 20:37

Thanks all for your support.
HildaOg - I won't ruin his life. He can play as big or small part as he wishes.
I told him first thing this morning so he might warm to it.

I'm not going to openly disrespect him. He's fantastic, and we really do see a future together. It's just a rough thing that happens

OP posts:
RainbowsAndUnicorn · 20/05/2017 20:39

I think if you truly believe he is the one for you, you really need to listen to him. He doesn't want to be a parent at this moment in time but could be forced into it.

With no job, not living together, the relationship being so new and the fact he doesn't want to be a father a termination may be for the best, A chid should be wanted by both parents and a stable secure financial base.

mineofuselessinformation · 20/05/2017 20:41

neveradullmoment, you may well be right. If you read my post, I was very careful to give a balanced view, as ultimately the decision is OP's.

RavioliOnToast · 20/05/2017 20:44

There are worse things that happen than having a baby. You'd manage. People do. I did.

Think about it as you. Only you. Take your DP out of the equation for now. He can walk away at any point, you can't. How would you feel a year from now with a baby?

ItsNachoCheese · 20/05/2017 20:44

pineapplepie heres my 2p worth. I have pcos too and had been put on clomid, i had to have my tubes checked to make sure they were open. I finished my clomid course and by my amazement fell pregnant with ds naturally. I was utterly amazed. Exdp told me to get rid, that id tricked him (he was aware about the treatments Hmm). Needless to say i kept the pregnancy and now have a ds who is 2 next month and is the light of my life. Exdp walked after my 12wk scan and ive not seen him since. Single parenthood is bloody hard but id rather that than an unsupportive partner. Wishing you well whatever you decide

HildaOg · 20/05/2017 20:45

It will ruin his life when he has to pay maintenance for a child he didn't want, if he wants the first kid he has to be with someone special... If you want a future with him then you have to listen to him. Even if he comes round to having a kid with you and ends up adoring it, he'll always resent you for forcing that on him before he was ready.

QuintessentialShadow · 20/05/2017 20:48

went to the gp, who reffered me to the hospital who ran tests, I have pcos, and apparently rarely ovulate so would struggle in the future

Yeah, same thing happened to me.
only went to get it checked because I had a really bad infection of the fallopian tubes, and GP said I might have problems conceiving and sent me along for tests. I too was really worried I would never have children. But, fell pregnant accidentally due to condom failure with my husband a very merry evening. We now have two kids, despite a diagnosed PCOS.

If you have managed to fall pregnant using pills and condoms, you dont sound that infertile to me....

Original poster
Pineapplepie · 20/05/2017 20:51

To hildaog And I'll likely always resent him for making me have an abortion.
There isn't a right answer here and I knew that. I came to mumsnet for some helpful advice, I've outlined that I'm scared. I don't need you telling me that I'm not someone special to my dp, or you deciding you're some kind of psychic who can read his mind. That's not constructive and it's not helpful and it's most certainly not what I need when I'm writing my masters thesis and dealing with this shitty scary situation.

Thanks all others for kind and logical words and direction Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
Pineapplepie · 20/05/2017 20:53

And to everyone that's saying I got pregnant so I guess I'm ok, what if this is my only change?

OP posts:
Trills · 20/05/2017 20:54

You can't know that. Nobody can ever know that. Any of us at any time might be living with infertility and not know it. Every month that I do not get pregnant, maybe I could have gotten pregnant this month but never will in future.

Original poster
Pineapplepie · 20/05/2017 20:54

Maybe I should sleep on it it feels so hard

OP posts:
Original poster
Pineapplepie · 20/05/2017 20:55

Thanks trills maybe I'm just panicking

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadow · 20/05/2017 20:56

I'd take it.

I would rather have a child and bring him/her up on my own, than be stuck with a man who did not love me/our child enough to nurture it through. Not sure I would want to stay with a man who wanted me to have a termination.

I know it is shit for you, and it is the worst possible time. But you need to think about all aspects of the situation, including whether or not he thinks you are right for him long term, whether you want to or not. Thesis or not. You just need to compartmentalize and get through it.
I wish you the best of luck!

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 20/05/2017 20:56

If you have managed to fall pregnant using pills and condoms, you dont sound that infertile to me....

I thought that too, the chances of being pregnant whilst on the pill and using condoms must be miniscule and certainly zero if fertility issues were at play.

It sounds like you have already made your mind up OP and his views and wants are not important. That speaks volumes about the fledging relationship.

SolomanDaisy · 20/05/2017 20:57

For fucks sake don't base even 1% of your decision on people telling you you don't sound like you have fertility problems because you've managed one accidental v early pregnancy. You know you have a condition which reduces fertility, so that there is more chance this could be your only chance than anyone without such a condition. That doesn't mean you have to keep the pregnancy, but it's fine to think about your fertility when you make a decision.

QuintessentialShadow · 20/05/2017 20:58

Also, if he knows your medical story, and he STILL wants you to terminate, that is quite telling, isnt it?

buttercup54321 · 20/05/2017 21:01

you aren't that young and you might not get another chance of a baby.

Trills · 20/05/2017 21:02

To me it's only "telling" that up until today they both did not want a baby right now.

She may have changed her mind. He has not. This does not make him a bad person.

Original poster
Pineapplepie · 20/05/2017 21:02

I am thinking about dp, or I would have a straight up fuck you im going it alone attitude! We've been friends for years, and I love him to bits, I don't want to screw him over and I really don't want to be pregnant right now. I would like to hang out, do nice things together? But by some miracle I've got pregnant against the odds after diagnosis at NHS and private hospitals with fertility concerns, and I really don't know what to do!
That's not indicative of a disregard for my partner it's indicative of a freaking out pregnant lady.

OP posts:
Fruitcorner123 · 20/05/2017 21:04

mrsterrypratchett the thing is there is a difference between having a termination and not being pregnant in the first place. The op would always know she could have had a baby and if she has had fertility problems she may not get this chance again. She has to view that as a possibility and make the decision accordingly.

Op of course your partner is having doubts when this is unplanned and you are not living together but it sounds like it's early days and you need to spend more time thinking/ talking. Certainly don't make the decision to please him but dont assume that his reaction is his last word on the matter. He will hopefully be up for talking things through

Dulcimena · 20/05/2017 21:05

I got pregnant stupidly early in the relationship with my now-husband, panicked and terminated, but have since been unable to conceive w/o meds and haven't been able to hold on to a pg at all. Fertility is taken too much for granted imo. Obv I'm biased but still.

You don't have to decide right now, you have time to work this out. Talk frankly with your partner. Good luck.

Trills · 20/05/2017 21:08

there is a difference between having a termination and not being pregnant in the first place

There is a difference, but the size of the difference is debateable.

Some people see this as a big difference.

Others see it as a pretty small difference - there's some stuff you have to do to get back to your unpregnant state, and it's a bit upsetting, but not as upsetting as being pregnant when you don't want to be.

Original poster
Pineapplepie · 20/05/2017 21:09

dulci I'm sorry. You're so right though I have time

OP posts:
ItsNachoCheese · 20/05/2017 21:11

Ill add to my upthread post. I kept the pregnancy because i had the what if its my only chance thought. I took it with both hands

Swipe left for the next trending thread