To be upset at DP for wanting a termination?

[Pineapplepie]

Hello, nc coz I'm shitting myself, but a regular poster.

feeling a bit wobbly so will do my best not to drip feed

I'm one of those really annoying people who has found themselves accidentally pregnant. (although I have previously had fertility struggles, this little bean has come as a total shock, and would be dc1 for us both) I found out today and would assume I'm about 4w 2d. So not far along at all.

Dp really wants a termination and I can see why, as our situation is not ideal but I don't know if I could hack it.

The pros of having a baby, are that we have a child.
We would have support- all our family are within 40 mins of us in Newcastle so really good, and dps mam is retired and has offered support to all her gcs

The cons/ struggles are:
I've just finished my Msc. so am unemployed
We don't live together (young professional/mature student houseshare jobbys)
We don't have professions
It would be a rush
We've only been seeing achother a year (just under)
Expensive
Strain on relationships
(Ours with eachother and with friends)
Terrefying

I'm sure I could go on.

But despite all this I find myself not wanting the terminaton

Please help
Wibu to have this baby?

I think by the sounds of it, you'd regret it if you terminated.

Can you deal with being a single parent?. If you can, go for it. Good luck.

If you go ahead with the pregnancy it doesn't have to spell the end of your relationship with dp. He can carry on living where he lives and you where you live and you can carry on seeing each other as before, especially as you have supportive family around you.
Of course it won't be the same as before, but it would give him a chance to come to terms with the situation and time to think about whether committing to you both is right for him.
Of course, he will always be liable for child maintenance but that's a risk he took when he had sex.

If you have managed to fall pregnant using pills and condoms, you dont sound that infertile to me.... This is just nonsense. It just means that the op was very very very lucky/unlucky depending how you look at it. Falling pregnant naturally once if you are infertile does not guarantee easy future pregnancies. The op needs to weigh this up in her ultimate decision.

The DP in question is getting a hard time.

He has not said that he will leave.

He has not said that he would have nothing to do with any potential child.

He has just said that he would prefer to go back to the unpregnant state that they were enjoying.

There is never a great time to have a baby if you really look into the detail. You haven't got an income to lose so that's a positive but if you'd worked for five years, say then yes, you'd have more saved and would have used your MSc. But life happens. I got pregnant in my final year. Never finished my degree. That child is now 19 and off to Newcastle uni ( ironically near you!) in September. I have enjoyed every moment. My life has been different but I've had a bloody great time.
Give your partner time. He hadn't got the hormonal change and reaction to this yet. It maybe will,just take time. It is one hell of a shock.
But you can do this alone. I think you'd regret it if you had an abortion. Even if you managed to have more children and the infertility doesn't become a problem. The will always be 'what if's'. I think you know that already don't you. Xx

I'm not 100% sure what this means so sorry if I've got it wrong! On the direct gov site it states
'You are entitled to 39 weeks' statutory maternity pay (smp), if you have been : Employed by the same employee continuously for at least 26 weeks into the 15th week before the week of your due date'

So does that mean you need to of worked 1 week before you were pregnant? I've probably worked it out wrong!

Anyway I started my job when I was 7 weeks pg (I got offered the job 3 months previous but the NHS are slooow)

I wasn't entitled to NHS mat pay or smp but I was entitled to maternity allowance. It was about 300 every 2 weeks. I looked into every avenue but I can't remember it now, sorry!

trills you're spot on about dp and it is early days for us both

The reality is despite your previous fertility issues, if you get pregnant whilst on the pill and using condoms then I think you'll conceive without assistance in the future.

I don't have any respect for men who get their partner pregnant, and then advocate (either subtly or not so subtly) for a termination. They get the sex, but then act all surprised - "oh gosh, a baby? I couldn't possibly ..."

So get a vasectomy, then. Stop doing PIV. Learn how to oral sex.

OP you should have this baby if you really want it. An unwanted termination will stick with you forever. Just be realistic about the reality of having a child, and how it will affect your life. And don't count on the father to be there. At all.

It is a very difficult situation. Just wanted to say there is never a 'right time' to conceive. If you have been told you may struggle to get pregnant in the future then there is a massive risk that you may never have your longed for child if you do terminate. Even people who think that they have all their shit together before trying to have a baby can end up alone and struggling. Life doesn't come with guarantees. As pp have said you may not stay with DP but that could also apply in the future if/when you are married and decide to try. If you fail to conceive then he could decide that children were too important to him to stay with you but you would no longer have that choice.

Pinapple honestly, honestly do what you want to do. Do not get pushed into an abortion to keep hold of this relationship or keep this man happy. The relationship may well not work out, or it might, eithr way, doing something you do not wish to do will probably be the kiss of death to the relationship in the long run.

HildaOg what a fucking rude and stupid post! It's not his body and it's not his choice to make. If you had any decency you'd realise that.

The partner is entitled to not want a baby. Why is it that if the woman has sex she gets to choose but if the man has sex then he should have had a vasectomy if he didn't want a pregnancy to occur? Double standards at their best...

OP only you can make the decision, and at the moment there are no guarantees that your partner will end the relationship, but as a single parent you need to consider a lot of things, because it's going to be hard, and it's going to change your life forever.

Firstly, 40 minutes away is not close enough to be able to rely on family supporT, besides which, there are no guarantees that family will want to pick up your childcare in the event you are able to go back to work, in fact they're unlikely to want to be your permanent childcare option, it rarely works like that.

In terms of working, unless you can afford to pay for childcare you can forget working for at least the first five years, by which time others will have overtaken you in terms of experience and more recent qualification. Your MSC won't be worth much to you in five years time and no employment record. Rightly or wrongly parents who take time out because of a baby are penalised further down the line because we're in an employer's market and employers want more recent experience and staying home to bring up children counts for nothing.

wetcardboard Have you seen the threads from the women on here wondering about a lack of sex from their DPs? Or dating someone very inexperienced in bed? Or a virgin?

Your point of view is advocating for lots of women to be lacking the sex that they want because of the risk of pregnancy. The pill, whilst not perfect, seems to be something that couples use to seek to avoid pregnancy. Its the point of it. Yes it can fail but any many having a sex with a woman who says they are on the pill or cannot conceive are acknowledging that neither side wants to get pregnant. Therefore its not unreasonable to explore all options when contraception has failed. I don't have respect for women who dont like women to have sex where pregnancy is not desired but is a risk.

Anyway, OP. You are unreasonable to be upset at DP for giving his opinion. You were using multiple methods of contraception so pregnancy was not something either of you wanted. However, only you can decide what to do. If you think that this is your only chance then that should feature heavily in your thinking. I think that you are in a place where you do not want to terminate and if you can see how you can deal with life as a single mother with little to no support from the father (so then anything he provides is a bonus) then that should also be something that should inform your decision. It is your choice. Do not do want anyone else wants you to do. Do what it is you want.

Getting pregnant is scary no matter how prepared you are. Everything will fall into place. You sound like you do want this baby to me. I think you should go with your heart because what will be will be and the head isn't always right! I'm not trying to pressure you atall into keeping a baby, I myself have had an abortion and I know it was the right thing to do at the time. I still think about that baby alot and the what it's? But deep down I KNOW I made the right choice. But, you have everything behind you to be able to make this work for all of you.

RainbowsAndUnicorn "I think if you truly believe he is the one for you, you really need to listen to him. He doesn't want to be a parent at this moment in time but could be forced into it." and I think if he really is the one for her he would not push her into having an abortion she doesn't want.

"That speaks volumes about the fledging relationship." I think the fact he is putting her in this position also potentially speaks volumes but I hope I am wrong. I certainly would not lose a baby to keep a man.

"A chid should be wanted by both parents and a stable secure financial base." Ideally, that would be ideal but that is not the case for many people, and they seem to turn out OK.

HildaOg "It will ruin his life when he has to pay maintenance for a child he didn't want" Fortunately, the OP says it won't and I think she should know him a bit better than you! Plus, we don't only end up responsible for the kids we want and plan to be responsible for. Maybe this will be the best thing he never planned. I know someone who said yes, then no, to kids, but ended up a parent, he was very happy in the end because he ended up with a family he loves.

Agree with SolomanDaisy don't base your thoughts on fertility on random people on the internet. I got pregnant twice, once I lost it early (spontaneous) pregnancy and once (before that, with IUI) which is now a 12 year daughter. I've had loads of fertility treatment even with donor eggs and so sometimes, for some of us, pregnancy doesn't come easily. Maybe you will/can get pregnant again but do your own research on this.

Do what you want to do. It's your body and your choice.
You won't be entitled to smp even if you get a job tomorrow, but you will be entitled to maternity leave and may qualify for maternity allowance.

The partner is entitled to not want a baby. Why is it that if the woman has sex she gets to choose but if the man has sex then he should have had a vasectomy if he didn't want a pregnancy to occur? Double standards at their best...

Put it on a postcard and send it to Mother Nature.

She's the bitch that ordained matters so women get no choice but to deal with the pregnancy but a choice about how they do it, whereas men no choice in how the woman deals with it but the choice to entirely abdicate responsibility if they like.

Personally I find it pretty sickening double standards that I risk committing my body to a pregnancy that must necessarily end in miscarriage, abortion or birth every time I have PIV, whereas DH doesn't, but biology hasn't seemed to take any notice of my concerns so far.

Also, why are you saying OP can forget working if she can't pay for childcare, when she's made it clear there may be help forthcoming from their families?

Sorry Pineapple I was not meaning to be disrespectful of your boy friend. I hope h will be supportive whatever you decide.

All the very best.

Great post MissShittyBennet.

It's still very early days, mixed feelings are natural even for those who have a planned pregnancy!

It feels like your partner is expressing a knee jerk reaction. Time and talking will help sort this out.

I was 23 when I got pregnant the first time, I had my mind made up for years that I didn't want children so my automatic response was termination. I was to scared to allow myself to even imagine going through with the pregnancy. That baby is almost 14yrs old now, he changed my life for the better, I'm so glad I didn't miss out on meeting him. We weren't prepared financially at all but you get by, people love to help.

You and you alone get to decide if now is the time to have a baby, you have plenty of time to decide, don't allow yourself to feel pressured either way from others. It's your decision to make. Good luck

Why is it that if the woman has sex she gets to choose but if the man has sex then he should have had a vasectomy if he didn't want a pregnancy to occur?

Because any alternative to allowing a woman to choose is fucking horrifying.

Yes, it is unfair that women can choose and men can't. It is also unfair that women have to go through pregnancy and labour, and all the associated risks and changes, and have a shorter reproductive window than men. But it's not the kind of unfairness we can do anything about, so we create laws that work as well as possible within nature's limitations.

"If I could make myself un pregnant now, I think I probably would"

You do have that option to make this happen. and I would go with it as It sounds like it's not the right time and not the right partner.

Best of luck with your decision and thesis x

HildaOg - I won't ruin his life. He can play as big or small part as he wishes.

That's simply not true though. If he is anywhere near half decent he will have to play a big part. I know on Mumsnet all you ever hear about is deadbeat Dads but I presume you don't think your BF is that type of person and if you do then do you really want any child of your to have him as their Dad.

Follow your heart. Have the baby. Take the opportunity you've been given. This baby is obviously a fighter.
Choose what you really want. Everything else you can work out as you go along.

I think you'd regret terminating. I don't think you'd regret having the baby. He may come around, he may not, but I think if you want it, go for it.