To be upset at DP for wanting a termination?

[Pineapplepie]

Hello, nc coz I'm shitting myself, but a regular poster.

feeling a bit wobbly so will do my best not to drip feed

I'm one of those really annoying people who has found themselves accidentally pregnant. (although I have previously had fertility struggles, this little bean has come as a total shock, and would be dc1 for us both) I found out today and would assume I'm about 4w 2d. So not far along at all.

Dp really wants a termination and I can see why, as our situation is not ideal but I don't know if I could hack it.

The pros of having a baby, are that we have a child.
We would have support- all our family are within 40 mins of us in Newcastle so really good, and dps mam is retired and has offered support to all her gcs

The cons/ struggles are:
I've just finished my Msc. so am unemployed
We don't live together (young professional/mature student houseshare jobbys)
We don't have professions
It would be a rush
We've only been seeing achother a year (just under)
Expensive
Strain on relationships
(Ours with eachother and with friends)
Terrefying

I'm sure I could go on.

But despite all this I find myself not wanting the terminaton

Please help
Wibu to have this baby?

If you don't want an abortion, don't have one. It will never be 'the right time'. If he doesn't want it you can go it alone- you have family support and a career to build on. If you think you may have fertility issues think very carefully. I know a few women who had abortions then never conceived again.

I was in a very similar situation except we had been seeing each other less time. I kept the baby (the dad wanted this too though so a bit different). We split when our son was 18mo but that was down to ex being a cheater. I'm so so so pleased ai have my son. He's the best thing that ever happened to me.
So if you want the baby keep it. Prepare to go it alone though. Fwiw exs family were and still are hugely supportive. I love them and it is great you know you will have support. for you

Huge decision either way .. you would manage, people always do - may not be ideal money wise but you do manage. I assume it would be a hard decision to go ahead with termination and have to live with that forever so please discuss it thoroughly and make sure you are going to do what you want ... I know it's a joint decision but it's your body so please be very sure

If he doesn't want it you can go it alone

It's so easy to say, isn't it? And yet so much harder, more stressful, more lonely and more demoralising to actually do in practice.

I think, trust your instincts x

Is the relationship as strong as you thought if he's not saying: "It's not ideal timing and I'd rather you weren't pregnant in all honesty, but I'll support you whatever you choose to do"

You'll have to prepare yourself for single motherhood if he's Putin any kind of pressure on you - this is not love, if so.

CoudntMakeThisShitUp speaks a great deal of sense in all of this, op.
I'm really pissed off with the emotive comments on this thread.
You got pregnant - so there is no reason why you can't again. You have every right to decide what you want to do at this point in your life.
If you want to keep the pregnancy, do, if you don't, then you have the choice available to you.
The one thing I would add is you still have time on your side. Let it rest for a while and see how you feel.
I'm sorry that you find yourself in a difficult situation.

*putting! Not Putin

You sound in your post like you want the baby.
If you have had difficulty falling pregnant and want children later on, as others have pointed out, this may not be a choice for you.
For me, it would be a no brainer. I would have the baby.
However, its up to you. Can you live with the fact that you may not be able to have kids further down the line? or may have difficulty conceiving? I think it would be doubly difficult to come to terms with knowing you terminated.
I fell pregnant at 19. I had my baby and it was a struggle money wise but i had great support from my family. You can do it although it may be hard at times. I went on to train and have a good career. It may put some plans on hold but it doesnt mean the end.
It really is all up to you though at the end of the day.

If you don't want an abortion then don't have one - and I say that as someone that is a committed pro-choicer.

I have PCOS and don't have DC. Upon diagnosis I was told that my ovaries were about as useful as porridge and the consultant advised that if we wanted kids then his recommendation would be to go straight to IVF as he felt Clomid was unlikely to work. We decided not to have children - for lots of reasons - but the reason why I mention this is because I did loads of research at the time. In fact it pretty much took over my life for a year and I became quite obsessive about it. I met loads of women in similar positions, who became friends and who are still in my life over a decade later. Out of those women half of them have children through fertility treatment. Another couple have adopted children. The remainder don't have any DC at all - and not for lack of trying.

The point I am trying to make is that PCOS can be mild or it can be severe. Some women respond well to Clomid - others need ICSI or IVF and others still have no success at all. Fertility is finite and fertility issues make things even more difficult. Being pregnant once is no guarantee for the future either I know quite a few that had one child but then struggled for years to have another - and many of them have single kids because they couldn't get pregnant again (for whatever reason).

I'm not trying to scare you - if you feel that genuinely this is not right for you then go and have an abortion. But if your inclination is to go through with the pregnancy and have the baby then that is what you should do, because you need to be very aware that your PCOS could impact on your chances of getting pregnant again.

OP how do you think you'll feel if you miscarry tomorrow? Will you feel relieved or will you grieve for what might have been? Will you be prepared to wait for however many years it takes to get yourself established in a career, get a home etc before you TTC again? Or will you fret until you get pregnant again? Have you thought about your biological clock which may add to your anxiety about your fertility?
Sometimes if we are unsure about what we want it is helpful to imagine ourselves in the situation where the proposed option is no longer possible and whether we'd regret not seizing that option.
Good luck

Have the baby. You want it. That's enough. Other reasons are sort of peripheral. I had an unexpected pregnancy shortly after my first child. I did not want to be pregnant but I also knew I wanted to keep the baby. I just knew. It was enough even tough so so many practical reasons why I could have decided not to. It's still enough. I don't regret it. I think your deep, gut reaction is something to tune into.

The issues you are citing are either solvable or normal. You could move in together. You have a masters so could get a job. Does he have a degree? Surely he could get a job.

mineofuselessinformation

In her post the OP sounds like she wants to keep the baby. She refers to it warmly as the little bean, would it be unreasonable to keep it? and despite all this i find myself NOT WANTING a termination.

Sounds like someone who is feeling guilty for wanting to keep her baby, hence the posts.

Pineapple, if you want to keep your baby, then do, you will manage. You might not get another chance.
However, the decision is yours to make. Sending you love 🌺

Hence the posts saying to her its fine to keep it.

In your situation I would not have a termination.

Your language shows you already think of it very much as 'a baby'. The emotional impact of a termination would be significant.

You have reasonable cause to think getting pregnant could be difficult for you. You've been lucky/unlucky to get pregnant now, what if it's your only pregnancy? How do you think you'd feel knowing you'd teminated it because he wanted you to?

All the cons? Some of them are trivial - have a think about what really belongs on that list. Anyway, none of them are things you can't sort out. Plenty of women get their Masters & their careers on track with children.

It's unfortunate if he's not happy about it. He should have been using condoms. But it's YOU that's pregnant, not him, this s YOUR decision as YOU are the one where has to live with the consequences of that decision. He doesn't. Either way, he can walk away from it/you.

Make this decision for YOU.

to me all the way through i get the feeling you want this baby.i don't no whether many would say they had there perfect time. and those in your position just new they hakeep it or they didn't.what does yrgut tell you,becsue I truly believe in your position from what I gather you could very well make this work.
I think you might have to deal at some point with doing it alone,or not with current man but then that him.wont be a adcan still be a mum for this one if you ant to

Of course he wants a termination. It's his life about to be ruined and future changed for the worse if you go through with the pregnancy.

Nobody tells a woman she should feel bad for wanting a termination due to the fact that she's not ready, doesn't have the money, doesn't want to be stuck with with someone etc... Nobody blames her for getting pregnant. Yet men are expected to pay up for the rest of their lives. It's so unfair and I really feel sorry for men in this situation.

If you had any decency you'd take his views and his future into account. It's his life too.

Of course he wants a termination. It's his life about to be ruined and future changed for the worse if you go through with the pregnancy.

Really??? Most men are very good at walking away.

It's his life about to be ruined and future changed for the worse

How do you know how he will really feel?

He may just be scared. Its a huge commitment but it does not necessarily mean ruination and change for the worse.

I hope your talk with your partner helps, from the way you speak I think you want this baby.

I really don't want to say anything to influence your decision, as it needs to be from you xx

I no people ake a big deal of money and a lfie for the child.but as long as it wont be tough for either of you or it will go without the most important monetary needs I think you can make the greatest of lives If you live through love and teach it it doesn't need riches.becasue you really don't.we were brought up not being with all the stuff and moneys as others.but I truly believe we got what we needed and my family taught me we got so much more besides that.
no to poverty and stuff but I get the feeling you are actually ok on the money front or at least able to get there.or willing to fight as you say your ass off.
you sound so sensible.like your already being a mum and planning how?tos.
I think a termination if you ever in the slightest bit unsure is absolutely devastating.and it can hit you at any time.
but then an unhappy mother can imapt on you and your little one so choose what you feel is right here.no guilt.no shame.no blame.
I do think family nd children must often be decided more on heart.no parent it truly ready.
being a parent is the biggest set of risks and jumps and go for its you ever often have to make hehe.

The British Pregnancy Advisory Service (BPAS) offer pre and post abortion counselling. You're very early on so I would get in touch ASAP and try to speak to someone trained and neutral. It will allow you to talk through your feelings etc.

However only you can make the ultimate decision. It's totally horrible. I was in your shoes this time last year (different circumstances) and I just wanted someone to tell me what to do. However it was a decision only I could make.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Have the baby. Wishing you a happy and healthy pregnancy. May motherhood brings you many joys in life. Good luck.