MIL wanting a Golddigger Contract signed

[user1494949919]

So DH and I are in the position where we will need to move house soon. DH's parents have long said that when we want to get on the property ladder they'll kindly gift us a deposit.

We've wanted to buy for a while, and even looked at houses and got mortgage advice many years ago but when we told PIL that we were ready to buy they wanted change our wills etc. We were OK to do so but somehow talks never really progressed and DC came along and we forgot about buying for a while.

Fast forward to now: DH asked MIL if she could give us some of the money she had saved up for him for a deposit. She replied that DH should consider two options: firstly PIL could offer a 0% loan to DH alone to "protect the money" or DH might want to consider a Deed of Trust on the house we get, she then went on to outline a several cases in which marriages had broken down and one partner had been left with nothing. MIL also said that DH didn't have to take either of these options the deposit could just be a gift If he decided but he should have a think about it.

I'm grateful for being given the opportunity to get on the property ladder, as it's so hard to save a deposit these days but AIBU to be upset at MIL mentioning divorce to DH, talking about the possibility of me "leaving him with nothing" and offering to give DH a loan to "protect the money" from me.

On one level I'm thinking she worked long and hard for the money and wants it to just go to her child, but on another it really upsets me as it feels like she's not really supporting the marriage and her request to think about divorce issues is undermining the sanctity of my marriage vows: we said "all that I have I share with you" and promised to be together for life!

I've given up work to look after our children and never thought about the personal money and earning potential I'm forfeiting. Plus I was with DH for years and was our only breadwinner for several periods during our relationship before kids. I've never been in it for money.

Personally I don't think anyone should mention the 'D' word to a happy couple - it seems like bad juju! And parents shouldn't collude to "protect" money from one spouse it changes the dynamic and the power balance of the marriage. Is it just me? Or am I wrong to feel a bit miffed?

don't ever* - not even!

I'm afraid even if you don't split up it will affect you as it creates obligation and inequality.
I would have to work to redress the balance even if that meant no family time or time to visit relatives. It would be my top priority.

At the risk of sounding ungrateful I don't want the money. I often wish the offer wasn't even on the table

I understand op, I felt the same.

Take the offer off the table and say its very kind but you don't want it

let tax man have it ( without conditions!!)

headofthehive I totally get what you mean, unless you have been in this position its hard to understand.

Sil had similar gift and it broke her marriage - because she was so OTT about "protecting" her investment from her DH....he was a renter in their marital home and never felt part of it.

I think at some point there is a balance and risk you have to take....when you give something away its simply not yours anymore. So if your not prepared to loose that control or take that risk - dont offer the money.

If DD had a dodgy BF and married him, I would think twice about offering them money...any signs of odd behavior, control etc.

However if she was with a man who was perfectly lovely and nice and they got married and we wanted to offer them money then its a risk we have to be prepared to take and loose. We cant look to the future we have to deal with what we have at that time and make the best of it.

Its relations and people that make us happy at the end of the day, our friends, family - support etc. If my DD married someone I would be more keen to make sure our relationship didnt sour that see him as a threat who might take my money.

Which is an unfair slur on his character and also as op says sows seeds of doubt and mistrust and is also rather insulting to DD choice of DH.....a potential thief.

Thanks RoseandVioletcreams you've put it so well:

I think at some point there is a balance and risk you have to take....when you give something away its simply not yours anymore. So if your not prepared to loose that control or take that risk - dont offer the money.

At the risk of sounding ungrateful I don't want the money. I often wish the offer wasn't even on the table confused

I'm not surprised, that's how I would feel. Apart from anything else I would not be at all comfortable with your MIL's general level of invasion into your life.

I agree RoseandViolet put it very well.

I agree with one of the PPs that the responses here will be largely informed by personal experience. However, the general conclusion seems to be just say no. That way you avoid resentment and potential inequality in the marriage.

If MIL wants to help, let her leave money to the GC, which will help with school/uni costs/their house deposit etc, which means you don't have to and therefore helps both you and your DC financially, without causing the potential problems described by many on here, in the case of death or divorce (however unlikely).