MIL wanting a Golddigger Contract signed

[user1494949919]

So DH and I are in the position where we will need to move house soon. DH's parents have long said that when we want to get on the property ladder they'll kindly gift us a deposit.

We've wanted to buy for a while, and even looked at houses and got mortgage advice many years ago but when we told PIL that we were ready to buy they wanted change our wills etc. We were OK to do so but somehow talks never really progressed and DC came along and we forgot about buying for a while.

Fast forward to now: DH asked MIL if she could give us some of the money she had saved up for him for a deposit. She replied that DH should consider two options: firstly PIL could offer a 0% loan to DH alone to "protect the money" or DH might want to consider a Deed of Trust on the house we get, she then went on to outline a several cases in which marriages had broken down and one partner had been left with nothing. MIL also said that DH didn't have to take either of these options the deposit could just be a gift If he decided but he should have a think about it.

I'm grateful for being given the opportunity to get on the property ladder, as it's so hard to save a deposit these days but AIBU to be upset at MIL mentioning divorce to DH, talking about the possibility of me "leaving him with nothing" and offering to give DH a loan to "protect the money" from me.

On one level I'm thinking she worked long and hard for the money and wants it to just go to her child, but on another it really upsets me as it feels like she's not really supporting the marriage and her request to think about divorce issues is undermining the sanctity of my marriage vows: we said "all that I have I share with you" and promised to be together for life!

I've given up work to look after our children and never thought about the personal money and earning potential I'm forfeiting. Plus I was with DH for years and was our only breadwinner for several periods during our relationship before kids. I've never been in it for money.

Personally I don't think anyone should mention the 'D' word to a happy couple - it seems like bad juju! And parents shouldn't collude to "protect" money from one spouse it changes the dynamic and the power balance of the marriage. Is it just me? Or am I wrong to feel a bit miffed?

What does your dh say?

Your MiL is being totally unreasonable unless your relationship is on rocky ground anyway.

Assuming there's no cause for concern there then your joint response to your MiL should be that if she is happy to give you as a couple the money to use towards your shared home with no strings attached then you are very happy to accept, but if she wants to use this as an opportunity to cast aspersions on the longevity of your relationship and on your own integrity as well as disregarding the sacrifices you are personally making for the good of the family, then really neither of you is remotely interested in receiving any money from her.

Our family home is exactly that. I would not put myself in a situation where I lived in my home but my DH owned it.
In that case, they don't need to take the money, though.

You and DH should discuss this. Yes, that it's her money and she wants to go to DH (imagine that he dies, you re-marry, you die. Your new DH, a stranger to her, gets the entire house. It's unlikely to happen but she just wants to protect the money from that. Some people do).

You & DH need to decide if
a) you're in this together, full risk & no holds barred - take the money as a gift and each have joint ownership of all assets
b) you're in this together, but want some sense of who holds what assets, so need to work out a % of input to the marriage, including the childcare etc provided for you, or
c) you see yourselves as separate individuals, each with your own money. In which case, you need an agreement on how much he'll contribute to childcare etc as you're doing his half of the job for him.

None of these is particularly right/wrong, but it is important that you & DH have a shared idea.

Absolutely fair. MIL is not suggesting you WILL get divorced, just in case of. Try not to be offended, they're just doing what they see is right for their son.

I agree with this 100%.

We will be offering our DC money to buy houses. I want this money to go to our children and future grand children. We worked bloody hard for it! Imagine how I would feel if we gave our D.C. a house then they lost it a few years later if they got divorced from their spouse. I'd be gutted.

If you are unhappy with the suggestion then you and your DH could refuse the money.

It's her money, of course, but if you are buying a house together you have a right to veto her (effectively) owning any part of it.

Personally I would want nothing from her under these conditions.

I can see your MIL's point of view - it doesn't sound like she's trying to protect the money from "you now", but more from "possible you in the future if things turn sour". It's a bit cynical, and I see how you could interpret it as being unsupportive of your relationship, but I assume she said this to your DH and wasn't expecting it to get back to you? She's probably seen lots of people have relationships turn sour over the years, so I doubt she meant this to be personal to you.

It does sound like she's also suggested that she could also just give it as a gift to your DH with no strings. So I guess the ball's in his court now.

An alternative possibility is that, if she offered the money several years ago, perhaps she's in a different position financially (possibly even in terms of her financial attitude, life goals, etc as opposed to her income/outgoings) and isn't so keen on letting go of it now.

I think if it's their money, it absolutely is up to them how they give it to DH. He has the option to decline the gift if he doesn't want it.

If you are so sure in your marriage then their suggestions doesnt really matter does it? There must be some reason why they want to do this and having lost everything in a divorce I would do the same in future for my DC.

It's her money, but it's also your right to refuse to purchase a house that can only be bought on these terms.

I would veto any "gift" that came with conditions; effectively what you are doing is giving your MIL a stake in your family home.

Sorry but I think YABU. I get where she's coming from. DH and I put money each month into a savings account for the kids and have agreed to give it to them as a home deposit when they choose to buy (long way off they're 4 and 4months old ha). We have already discussed that if they're married we'll have to find a way to protect the money so only they get it in the event of a divorce. Not saving up their entire lives for half of it to potentially go to someone else.

Surely what would happen is one parent would stay in the family home and when the child is out of full time education the house is sold ?

I feel for you OP my ex wanted a vasectomy his mom took the day off work to go with him and spent the journey trying to convince him not to so he could have more kids with someone else maybe get a girl next time (we have two boys) I honestly never looked at her the same way again

I don't think the MiL is BU.
We provided fairly hefty help to a dd and SiL with a house purchase, and if they ever did split up, God forbid, I would definitely want and expect that money to remain with dd.
However we did not make a thing of that at the time, since we think very highly of our SiL and would have hated to upset or offend him.
But I do understand anyone wanting such a thing down in black and white.
I have recently heard of a case of a formerly happy marriage disintegrating very acrimoniously, and this very same scenario is making an unhappy situation considerably more difficult and vexatious.

I think perhaps the phrasing of the thread title doesn't adequately reflect the situation. I doubt such a term would be used with a parent doing this with regards to their daughter, but there's no reason they wouldn't.

Me and DFiance have Deed of Declarion of Trust. He put in twice what I did and his money came from MIL. The agreement is that in the event of a split he gets his deposit back, I get mine back and any profit is split 50/50. Equally If we sell at a loss, we take back our deposits less a 50/50 split of the loss. I think that's entirely fair

So what happens if you have children?

I agree with your pil. I have inherited just in my name and been given things in my name. Dh and I were given equal amounts by both sets of parents to buy our first home and mine lent us the rest. My parents could have given us far more had they chosen but then it would have been disproportionate. Would this be an option?

Being honest she's being sensible.

I think its completely the most sensible thing to do.

And i inagine that more people would agree if it was ops mum wanting to protect her investment.

Fleshlight -prey tell OfficerVan Halen just what that is. Sounds creepy, diamond encrusted or not. It better not be a flashlight!

OP, I think you've had some tough responses on here. Yes, it's amazing that they could either give or lend you a deposit but the way she has worded it is very insensitive. Does she have any reason to think you two might not make it? I know it's upset you and your feelings are your feelings but I don't believe that just mentioning the d word to a happy couple can effect it in any negative way.
You are contributing to the family by the work you do in the house and by taking care of the children so yes, you must make usr you are financially protected too, should things change. But there's no reason to think that they will, right, so don't get down about it.
But you need to let dh know how you feel and personally I would want to find way to discuss it with mil too. It could be innocent on her part or she could have an agenda. It could be that she still sees it as "my son and his wife" and not "my son and dil" if you get what I mean. Maybe ask her what her relationship with her own mil was like.
At the end of the day I don't think you are being unreasonable OP.

BTW I don't think the OP is suggesting the PIL would end up owning any of the house. The suggestion if a Deed in Trust would be that the DH owned more of the house than the OP. IYSWIM

It's absolutely reasonable that she is asking him to consider a deed of trust.

DH owning it in a trust wouldn't really work, would it? It would still be DH's asset and therefore part of the pot to be dealt with on divorce.

I see the logic on both sides, but it is still an unusual suggestion from MIL and as such suggests an element of mistrust, even though it may not be intended. Rationally there is no reason to be upset, but emotionally I would feel a bit put out. difficult!

DH owning it in a trust wouldn't really work, would it? It would still be DH's asset and therefore part of the pot to be dealt with on divorce.

He could benefit from a trust that ultimately belongs to his off spring

That's completely sensible and reasonable for the ILs to want their contribution to a family home to ultimately bee passed to their grandchildren only and not spread around potential step-grandchildren.

sensible & reasonable.

It may be mistrust, or it may be that she knows that a third of marriages end in divorce. I don't think it's a comment on their relationship or a comment on the OP.

It's the OP and her DH's responsibility to house themselves, including after a divorce, including after children. If the MIL wants to give extra money to them as a couple, but ensure that it is earmarked for her son in the (unlikely) event of divorce then I think that's perfectly fair.

I'm putting in 100% of the deposit in a house purchase, and DH earns a bit more than me, on a more regular basis. We'll pay the mortgage out of joint account which all income goes into.

Our deed of trust on the TR1 form says something simple like:

to be held in equal shares apart from the first £X to be owed to (my name) upon sale

It doesn't have to be complicated if everyone is in agreement. (Or you can spend more for a much more complicated wording and inc other things like selling your shares first to each other etc).