MIL wanting a Golddigger Contract signed

[user1494949919]

So DH and I are in the position where we will need to move house soon. DH's parents have long said that when we want to get on the property ladder they'll kindly gift us a deposit.

We've wanted to buy for a while, and even looked at houses and got mortgage advice many years ago but when we told PIL that we were ready to buy they wanted change our wills etc. We were OK to do so but somehow talks never really progressed and DC came along and we forgot about buying for a while.

Fast forward to now: DH asked MIL if she could give us some of the money she had saved up for him for a deposit. She replied that DH should consider two options: firstly PIL could offer a 0% loan to DH alone to "protect the money" or DH might want to consider a Deed of Trust on the house we get, she then went on to outline a several cases in which marriages had broken down and one partner had been left with nothing. MIL also said that DH didn't have to take either of these options the deposit could just be a gift If he decided but he should have a think about it.

I'm grateful for being given the opportunity to get on the property ladder, as it's so hard to save a deposit these days but AIBU to be upset at MIL mentioning divorce to DH, talking about the possibility of me "leaving him with nothing" and offering to give DH a loan to "protect the money" from me.

On one level I'm thinking she worked long and hard for the money and wants it to just go to her child, but on another it really upsets me as it feels like she's not really supporting the marriage and her request to think about divorce issues is undermining the sanctity of my marriage vows: we said "all that I have I share with you" and promised to be together for life!

I've given up work to look after our children and never thought about the personal money and earning potential I'm forfeiting. Plus I was with DH for years and was our only breadwinner for several periods during our relationship before kids. I've never been in it for money.

Personally I don't think anyone should mention the 'D' word to a happy couple - it seems like bad juju! And parents shouldn't collude to "protect" money from one spouse it changes the dynamic and the power balance of the marriage. Is it just me? Or am I wrong to feel a bit miffed?

Your MIL is doing exactly the right thing to protect her son and grandchildren. Unfortunately divorce happens. My soon to be ex SIL took 75% of my brother's assets in their divorce, including half of the house financed in cash by my parents. They'd been together over 20 years with 2 children. My brother was quite happy to split everything 50:50 and she had agreed to return the money my parents hadn't put into the house. She phoned my elderly parents and told them she wouldn't and that she needed more money! She had numerous affairs and my brother has the children most of the time, but pays maintenance based on 50:50 custody. The solicitor advised my parents to protect their money, but they didn't, which they now bitterly regret. No one expected this to happen, but it did. If you have a good solid marriage, you have nothing to worry about, so put your MIl's mind at rest.

Me and my ex bought our first home together, my parents gave me £15K towards the deposit. They said if we split then when we sell up I get £15K more. We all agreed. Years later we did split and my DP kept his promise. He still did well out of sale (got £35K) as house had increased in value, where as if we had rented, he would have no profit.
Anyway, I'd say take the money and get get on the property ladder as soon as you can.

Who is prot3cting you from being a sahm though?

You have to revisit that decision OP

Yanbu. I hope dh accepts it as a gift.

Can see it's sensible to protect assets when one side contributes more than the other re potential divorce, but need to adequately compensate for you taking the total financial sacrifice of being a SAHM. If you'd both chosen to work part time to do childcare that'd be different. It's offensive only in that your input as a SAHM & loss of personal financial security seems to have been overlooked

I understand your MIL's position but I also understand yours. You have been the sole breadwinner for periods and have given up your own earning potential in order to look after your family. You have stated unequivocally that you are in it 'for the long run'. I think therefore that you should listen to your heart, be insulted and refuse the gift. The amount is irrelevant. She has fundamentally misunderstood you and the nature of your intentions. That's not her fault necessarily but you don't have to dance to her tune. There are worse things than not being a home owner and one is acknowledging other people's prejudices. You would be worse off if you allowed yourself to be bought. There is nothing you can do to stop her imposing whatever conditions she wishes but you don't have to accept them.

When DH and I buy a house we will be getting a very significant amount towards it from my DM. It will come as a gift to me, the idea being that it will be protected for me and DCs in the event of divorce. I don't think DM thinks we are actually going to get a divorce, and it perhaps sounds crass, but it is her money and I think she's entitled to want to protect it for her family.

This all seems like a standard way of making sure wealth stays in the family. Anything the DH contributes is part of the marital pot and split 50/50. If PIL give them a leg up with some extra cash then it is ringfenced. That way it doesn't end up benefitting some strangers family if you divorce their son and remarry. Can't see the problem here? You can take it or leave it but it sounds pretty good to me. What are OP's parents giving them?

I can see both sides here.
When my father in law died there was some money came to us from his will. My mother in law wanted to talk about it when I was out of the room as she was concerned I would give the money to my family.
I was furious. We had been together for more than ten years at that point. I was spending my annual leave, from a very demanding job, looking after all the children of the family whilst my husband and his sister supported his mum in sorting out the estate.
I was earning very good salary myself at that point, despite taking a step back in my career to have children and to support my husband, who has a chronic health condition. My family all had well paying professional jobs (unlike my mother in law and sister in law neither of whom had been in paid employment after having chidlren. Nothing wrong with that, just noting that I/they didn't need anyone else's money as I/ they were quite capable of earning for ourselves.) I had given a LOT to my husband's family, he had been accepted not mine without question and it hurt to be treated as if I was only after their money.
I lost it and asked them what you had to do to be considered part of their family, listed the commitments I had made and pointing our all of the above.
It was actually a turning point in our relationship -for the better.

On the other side of the coin. We are now in a position to help our children to buy their homes. We will be putting measures in place to protect our investment. It's for our children and grandchildren and not to be put at risk of death and divorce. I don't see any conflict between the two situations. I would have respected any request for ringfencing back in the day but would have pointed out the financial hit I had taken in having children, compromising my career etc. The fact OP previously supported her partner financially should be taken into account but I still think some element of ringfencing is fair and understandable.

I wouldn't be offended at all... think of it in practical terms and i don't think your mother in law is being unreasonable... we have two dc and have properties which we wish to go to our children only in event if they were to ever divorce and have put measures in place and our girls understand this.

You've had a hard time here IMO.

So a lot of posters think you just have to accept that it's practical and sensible of your h's parents to want to give money to him but to ensure that you don't benefit from their generosity if the pair of you divorce.

Bit harsh given that you're doing all the childcare.
You have to protect your own interests, and staying at home looking after the children is not protecting your own interests best. You're taking one for the team there. Unlike him.

Sorry I think you are being unreasonable. She's worked hard for her money and wants it to stay with her child. It's not a reflection on you or your marriage it's just a reflection of the times we live in. I've been with my hubby for all most 20 years and I have been a stay at home mum for more than 10 years. If one of his family members offered my hubby money to help us out - I would happily suggest I sign a contract so they had security. I'm owed half of what he earns and nothing of what his family earns.

What a sense of entitlement you have to ask your mother in law to sign over her money. if you weren't a gold digger, you wouldn't be bothered, and grateful that someone is doing something out of the goodness of their hearts.

The lady protests too much, methinks.

I'm on the other end of this one. DD is about to marry. Lovely man, poor finances, weighed down by 'part ownership' flat. DD hopes to get mtg in own name and we help with deposit. Our concern is that IF the marriage were to end and they split assets half/half, then the hard accumulated deposit we had given would not be there for DD's benefit. I do not at all think 'Oh it won't last' very far from it. BUT life is life and I do not want to give money away to a chap who then 'bolts'. So I tend to think they are just trying to protect their child and their families assets. It's a fraught area.

If they wait long enough, T May and Co. will take it off them anyway!

Have you considered talking directly to your MIL about y Your husband may have put her talk to him more bluntly than she intended.. You could also point out (calmly) what you've contributed and are still contributing and that this has made you unhappy and ask her explain her intentions directly to you?

As other PPs have said, she could effectively ringfence it for your children - would that make you feel any better?

Have you considered how you'd feel if it were your parents money and they just wanted to protect their GC's interests not just because of divorce but also death? Lots of other PPs have pointed out the real problems when GPs give money to DC (and therefore DC's OH) but DC dies and OH marries again and money is shared with OH's new partner and subsequent children. When if it were properly protected it would go back to the GPs for them to redistribute among their remaining DC.

Another way of doing this would be if both sets of parents gave the couple the same amount of money. It could be that there is financial differences between the parents. Either parents hive sane amount or the couple wishing to buy house do so on their own finances

People sign Prenups all the time!! I think you're being a tiny bit precious, however I totally get what you're saying. Maybe have a chat with your MIL and try get an idea of how she sees you and your DH's future? You will soon be able to tell if she's just making a sensible financial decision or genuinely believes you will split x

Prenups are not usually prompted by MILs.

I'm all for couples doing sensible things with assets in case of a split but that is not MIL's business.

I'm all for couples doing sensible things with assets in case of a split but that is not MIL's business.

...but In this case it's the MILs money. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Money that she acquired and that she could chose to spend on herself. She is very kindly giving it to the OPs DH - something that will also benefit the OP. I think if the MIL wants to ringfence the money then she should. The OP can always refuse it

Might be sensible for her to think that way, but pretty shitty..

I paid the entire deposit on DH and I's home and would never have thought to say "if we get divorced, I want my money back.." I'd just think that is what a divorce attorney is for if it ever got so nasty.... but honestly I think I'd be fine with an equal split considering he is the father of my children and not some random man.

Another thing.. I would never save up money for my children's house deposit only to tell them it had stipulations to protect them from their spouse "just in case". Maybe her intentions are in the right place, but it's a pretty crap thing to do and wouldn't exactly make you feel like part of her family... which is pretty much bs when you are the mother of their grandkids!!!

I'm grateful that when my dad left me with the large sum of money that he did, he trusted me to do as I needed with it and if that meant giving half to my HUSBAND and father of my children (not just some random person your Dc is dating) then so be it... because he is in fact part of my family and related to them through my kids. If it weren't for him, then they wouldn't have grandkids.

I'm tempted to suggest you reject the money (nicely) and let mil invest her money herself. This might be cutting off your nose to spite your face though.

It's a tricky one.

Sorry to raise this but what would happen if you accepted the money, ring-fenced it, and your husband died? Would it pass to you or would you have to sell your home to pay her back?

If it were me I would not take the money. Continue to rent or do what you need to, but it seems the money would cause a great deal of resentment from you, entitlement from them. Not a position I would ever want to be in.

I think it's sensible and realistic. That doesn't mean that she thinks you are likely to end but it does happen and to not consider that is burying your head in the sand.