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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL wanting a Golddigger Contract signed

356 replies

user1494949919 · 20/05/2017 17:57

So DH and I are in the position where we will need to move house soon. DH's parents have long said that when we want to get on the property ladder they'll kindly gift us a deposit.

We've wanted to buy for a while, and even looked at houses and got mortgage advice many years ago but when we told PIL that we were ready to buy they wanted change our wills etc. We were OK to do so but somehow talks never really progressed and DC came along and we forgot about buying for a while.

Fast forward to now: DH asked MIL if she could give us some of the money she had saved up for him for a deposit. She replied that DH should consider two options: firstly PIL could offer a 0% loan to DH alone to "protect the money" or DH might want to consider a Deed of Trust on the house we get, she then went on to outline a several cases in which marriages had broken down and one partner had been left with nothing. MIL also said that DH didn't have to take either of these options the deposit could just be a gift If he decided but he should have a think about it.

I'm grateful for being given the opportunity to get on the property ladder, as it's so hard to save a deposit these days but AIBU to be upset at MIL mentioning divorce to DH, talking about the possibility of me "leaving him with nothing" and offering to give DH a loan to "protect the money" from me.

On one level I'm thinking she worked long and hard for the money and wants it to just go to her child, but on another it really upsets me as it feels like she's not really supporting the marriage and her request to think about divorce issues is undermining the sanctity of my marriage vows: we said "all that I have I share with you" and promised to be together for life!

I've given up work to look after our children and never thought about the personal money and earning potential I'm forfeiting. Plus I was with DH for years and was our only breadwinner for several periods during our relationship before kids. I've never been in it for money.

Personally I don't think anyone should mention the 'D' word to a happy couple - it seems like bad juju! And parents shouldn't collude to "protect" money from one spouse it changes the dynamic and the power balance of the marriage. Is it just me? Or am I wrong to feel a bit miffed?

OP posts:
innurendo · 23/05/2017 17:06

Child will have their GCSEs before this thread stops getting replies.

Confused
Headofthehive55 · 23/05/2017 17:08

It's not about using anyone as pawns , but spending my time how I want to. Which wouldn't involve driving across country to visit inlaws. Nor would it involve hosting. After a long week at work and doing things for others I would choose nice things for me and not feel obliged to entertain. No malice, just have better things to do! If I had been given the signal that I wasn't part of the family, I wouldn't act like one.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 23/05/2017 17:14

Using children as pawns or only doing something nice for others if they part with their money is awful.

No wonder parents want to protect their assets.

Headofthehive55 · 23/05/2017 17:24

It's more about being counted as part of the family.
Protecting your assets as suggested implies I would not be.
Therefore I would take my lead from them and not act accordingly as part of their family.

Children would be able to still have a relationship with GP, as facilitated by their father. It's not up to the woman to be social secretary!

Headofthehive55 · 23/05/2017 17:45

I would not treat mil with my hard earned cash, but rather make capital repayments on my mortgage until I had the same amount to protect me.

kaytee87 · 23/05/2017 17:54

Yabu, mil is perfectly sensible.

My dh signed over half of his (now our) house to me after we married upon remortgaging. There is quite a lot of equity in the house and I asked him if he was sure he really wanted to do that and does he want legal advice. He was happy to do so but I pointed out what it could mean should we divorce.

The word divorce doesn't jinx otherwise happy marriages, don't be ridiculous.

RoseandVioletcreams · 23/05/2017 18:20

If I had been given the signal that I wasn't part of the family, I wouldn't act like one

well this is the thing isnt it...and yet we all know its usually the women who do arrange things between their in laws and dc...and usually women facilitating bday gifts and all sorts. I agree it would be harder to go that extra mile under such circumstances.

Waltermittythesequel · 23/05/2017 19:05

But they haven't treated her like she isn't part of the family.

If they should split, she would no longer be a member of their family. No matter how much people on here try to pretend that's. if the case; it is.

Being the mother of her grandchildren only means that, if OP should split with her dh. So why should they give her their money?

If they never split, then it's irrelevant.

Headofthehive55 · 23/05/2017 19:50

But it would be perfectly reasonable to use my money to build up a nest egg within the house rather than spend my money buying treats or presents for mil. It would be equally within my right to do so, and would feel I would need to to gain equality within the partnership as would feel we owned the house unequally.

Headofthehive55 · 23/05/2017 19:53

And being the mother if her gc, means I wouldn't necessarily have any responsibility to facilitate contact. Why would I spend my money on seeing them when I could use that money to build my own fund?

clippityclock · 23/05/2017 20:04

I had my ex sign a Deeds of Trust and I'm extremely lucky I did. It protected what my mum gave towards the house and ultimately made sure I hung on to the house. Its a very sensible thing to do IMO.

JanetBrown2015 · 23/05/2017 20:55

Absolutely. Of course. Why on earth should this lady get a penny of the parents' money? I woudl not want any money I give my children to go to their spouse, ever, not a single penny. If the woman wants money she should work full time and save it like I did when I had small babies. If she doesn't money then she doesn't work. Her choice.

JanetBrown2015 · 23/05/2017 20:56

In fact if the woman won't sign the documents or accept the money on this basis then the parents should buy a house in the name of their grandchild with the grandparents as trustee and rent it out to protect it from the original poster here.

Headofthehive55 · 23/05/2017 21:19

unfortunately, some careers are not easy to mesh together and get childcare to enable both to work.
initially it can be fine, but life happens such as children born with problems, one if you being relocated or redundancy. It's also hard to get support for working when working costs the family money. So it's not always as easy as just get a job!

TatianaLarina · 23/05/2017 22:11

I woudl not want any money I give my children to go to their spouse, ever, not a single penny.

Really? Do you not like them? What if your son had an affair and your DIL needed to buy a house for her and the kids?

OP did work FT she was the breadwinner for some time, if you read the thread.

Zebra31 · 24/05/2017 07:25

Using children as pawns or only doing something nice for others if they part with their money is awful.

Totally agree. Basically using kids as pawns to ensure GP are cash cows is awful. Would people be just as put out if they found out PIL hadn't left a large chunk of their assets in a will to them. Would you stop / limit access to GC because the only beneficiaries of a will were your DH/DP and/or DC? IMHO this initial cash gift is part of an early inheritance which they can protect, loan or put in trust if they so wish. I am sure the majority of us didn't marry to get a hold of our DH's parents money.

Zebra31 · 24/05/2017 07:57

If I had been given the signal that I wasn't part of the family, I wouldn't act like one

I guess the only way you are made to feel part of your DHs family is by getting gifted large sums of cash getting paid Grin

Original poster
user1494949919 · 24/05/2017 09:38

Child will have their GCSEs before this thread stops getting replies.

LOL innurendo, this thread just seems to keep going!

At the risk of sounding ungrateful I don't want the money. I often wish the offer wasn't even on the table Confused.

We're managing OK as we are. We've only got one income and we're not rich but we're not poor - we don't need much and we have everything we need.

There's something nice about knowing you've built your own life and we enjoy a challenge. Plus if you take a gift you get obligation with it. I don't want to be in anyone's pocket.

I don't know if it was clear from the original post but the money has been proffered for quite a while - it's an inheritance tax thing I think. If we don't take it the tax man gets it.

PIL have lived frugally for many years to save the money and that makes me more uncomfortable. The obligation weighs all the heavier if you know they've spent years switching off the lights, turning down the heating and not going on holiday to leave an 'inheritance'. I've said to them before as kindly as I could that maybe they should use the money for themselves - live whatever dreams they have, get a new or second car, do up the bathroom or whatever.

We don't need anyone to provide for us or for our children either. It's just an awkward situation all around.

OP posts:
JanetBrown2015 · 24/05/2017 10:22

It might solve the position if they buy a buy to let for the children and the money is ear marked either for private school fees or university costs then so it is not going to you or your husband only to the next generation.

FizzyGreenWater · 24/05/2017 10:27

I would not take the money.

Firstly, it seems that overall you have a fairly good relationship with your PIL - I think, keep it that way, tell them no. And if they pressurise, or ask why, maybe it would be time to outline pretty much the kind of thing which you describe in your post above - the protectionism of DH at your expense. Tell them gently that that's how you have seen certain things playing out - and you don't want stuff like that to poison relationships.

Also, as you say - you don't need it, and there is a pleasure in doing it alone.

If they want to gift money to their grandchildren, then that's fine.

trixymalixy · 24/05/2017 10:32

YABU. I think it's perfectly sensible.My parents gifted my Dsis and her DH a lot of money to buy a house. I suggested protecting it in the way your MIL is suggesting.

My DSis was horrified as she had been married to her DH for 10 years and no question they'd get ever divorced. Guess what happened a year later.....

trixymalixy · 24/05/2017 10:32

Divorce was instigated by my DSis btw.

Batteriesallgone · 24/05/2017 10:33

User I made the suggestion pages ago that it is earmarked for your child(ren) in some way. It's worth talking about at least.

Not sure about the logistics of a buy to let, might be a nightmare, and the tax implications for you as a parent of a child in receipt of a large sum of money (if I remember right, a child earning interest of more than £100 a year annually, the parent gets taxed on that amount).

Still, if they want to pass on this money whilst alive, and you don't want to feel you've received a handout, a visit to a professional (solicitor who does IHT planning perhaps) could give you a workable solution.

Headofthehive55 · 24/05/2017 11:00

I think you are right to reject the money. It does create a form of obligation. Just to be clear, I wouldn't stop gp seeing GC - but I would not see the need for me to facilitate. I would be too busy earning money myself to faff around visiting.
if they want to gift, I think it's a better idea to gift to GC.

FlamingoFlower · 24/05/2017 11:07

hmm difficult one - whilst you know you aren't going to be running off anytime soon with the greatest of respect his parents can't predict the future and they will always look out for the best interests of their son so you have to see it from their point of view that they worked hard for this money.

This has happened to me in the past - I bought a house with someone (not married), relationship went tits up and I was left with substantially less than what I put in.

Going forward if me and my current DP do end up buying a house together it will be the same situation - me putting substantially more of a deposit down than him so in this case I will be insisting on a deed of trust even though I'm not planning on going anywhere relationships sometimes break down and no one can predict that.

As other people have stated - if you don't even split up then this will never affect you...