MIL wanting a Golddigger Contract signed

[user1494949919]

So DH and I are in the position where we will need to move house soon. DH's parents have long said that when we want to get on the property ladder they'll kindly gift us a deposit.

We've wanted to buy for a while, and even looked at houses and got mortgage advice many years ago but when we told PIL that we were ready to buy they wanted change our wills etc. We were OK to do so but somehow talks never really progressed and DC came along and we forgot about buying for a while.

Fast forward to now: DH asked MIL if she could give us some of the money she had saved up for him for a deposit. She replied that DH should consider two options: firstly PIL could offer a 0% loan to DH alone to "protect the money" or DH might want to consider a Deed of Trust on the house we get, she then went on to outline a several cases in which marriages had broken down and one partner had been left with nothing. MIL also said that DH didn't have to take either of these options the deposit could just be a gift If he decided but he should have a think about it.

I'm grateful for being given the opportunity to get on the property ladder, as it's so hard to save a deposit these days but AIBU to be upset at MIL mentioning divorce to DH, talking about the possibility of me "leaving him with nothing" and offering to give DH a loan to "protect the money" from me.

On one level I'm thinking she worked long and hard for the money and wants it to just go to her child, but on another it really upsets me as it feels like she's not really supporting the marriage and her request to think about divorce issues is undermining the sanctity of my marriage vows: we said "all that I have I share with you" and promised to be together for life!

I've given up work to look after our children and never thought about the personal money and earning potential I'm forfeiting. Plus I was with DH for years and was our only breadwinner for several periods during our relationship before kids. I've never been in it for money.

Personally I don't think anyone should mention the 'D' word to a happy couple - it seems like bad juju! And parents shouldn't collude to "protect" money from one spouse it changes the dynamic and the power balance of the marriage. Is it just me? Or am I wrong to feel a bit miffed?

Offended schmended! DH has ' ringfenced' capital for various DC and DCiL's and DGn over the years.

This Mil is wise.You can take her offer or leave it after all.

I think it's a good idea. Plan for the worst case financially.

A better idea would be to draw up a plan for what happens to the money
A) whilst any children of the union are under 18
B) post the children maturing
Because the OP being the main carer of the MIL's GC is not a minor detail.

Much like when a couple draw up a will in fact. Which as an aside OP, I hope you have / are planning to do.

Thanks for your post peukpokicuzo (and the similar posts that other users put up).

I think what bothers me is the subtle pressure MIL puts on DH to look after number 1, potentially at my detriment, whilst simultaneously pressuring me to put myself in a vulnerable position for the family.

I had a big career break after a few years ago after temping and doing low paid jobs since graduation. Although there was a veneer of support from PIL, MIL being the helicopter parent she is, kept sending DH all these links to jobs in other parts of the country and kept chasing him up to apply on Skype and in person. She even called one, which I think was abroad (she wanted us to move abroad for this), to ask them to hold open a vacancy for DH!!

The assumption was that I'd give up this amazing gig I'd got and dutifully trot after DH to whatever far flung region and go back to temping or whatever. No thought about my career development at all there, and a hearty shot at undermining what I had scraped together. To be honest I think it's some subconscious script that plays out with her, but it is one that comes up again and again.

The other thing where I felt she undermined was when I got pregnant with our firstborn and she started this whole spiel about it being "best if children are raised at home and not farmed out to nurseries". And guess who was supposed to stay at home and give up their career?

I'd hoped that DH would be able to split childcare so we could both carry on working and I think her exact words were "we'll see". We ended up splitting parental leave in the first year, which she was very concerned about on DH's behalf (because of course he shouldn't have to take even a third of the career penalty I had to). There's more but I won't go into in.

I'm a bit bitter about the whole protectionism of DH whilst expecting sacrifice from me. I'm kind of used to it, but this just seems to be the latest instalment. Women who give up a career for 5 years to stay at home lose out on and average of 200-300k in lost earning potential in a lifetime as they miss out on valuable career building years and promotions. Also DH travels a lot for work and he couldn't do that if we both worked as it just wouldn't work with childcare, he's able to give a lot more at work as I'm at home (although he does a lot at home too).

I just feel it's a bit churlish to go on about ring fencing sums or to give them as loans to "protect" them.

Some users have said that none of this is a problem if we don't divorce. For me it's a matter of principle.

If she's an interfering helicopter parent reject the money.

If she thinks this money will give her any say in the house you buy - reject it.

Your DH sounds bad at standing up to her...reject it!

It's starting to sound like a really bad idea now tbh.

It sounds like you've more to worry about than the deposit.
Mainly the assumption that your career takes a nose dive to look after the family.
I'd focus on that first, as that leaves you more financially vulnerable than a boost to your deposit.
Have you discussed this with your DH and come up with a plan so you can return to work?
Sounds like you have a DH problem as he seems to allow her so much influence. She rang a company to 'hold a job?.
Christ, is he 12?

If you have children, no amount of bits of paper protect him legally from division of assets in a divorce situation.

The courts priortise the rights of your children to have minimal disruption to the quality of life they are accustomed to. This means fair division of assets.

It is her money so she can do as she chooses.
If you find it offensive or controlling, then don't take the money. Say no thanks and move on.
But you can't dictate to her the terms of how she offers the money to you.
I sympathise with everything you have said in your last post - sounds tough. If I were you I would decline and if you are brave you might tell her why you can't accept.

I think she is being very sensible.

If everyone was so sensible there'd be a lot less upset further down the line.

She sounds horribly over invested in your life.

Look, whatever your MIL is or isn't, you need to grow up. You sound like a child, honestly!

The decision to marry or not marry DH was yours. Your take sole responsibility for that. The decision to have children or not was yours (jointly with DH). You take joint responsibility for that. The decision for DH to take whatever job was yours (jointly). You take joint responsibility for that. The decision for you to stop working was yours (jointly). You take joint responsibility for that.

Whatever your MIL did or didn't do at any juncture is totally irrelevant. Whatever subtle pressure she exerted, whatever implications she made, whatever comments she passed - YOU decided what happened to you, and YOU be responsible for them. She's going to be dead and gone before you, in the natural order of things. Why is this affecting you or your DH so much? I'm not suggesting you take a "fuck you" attitude to her - far from it. She's you're DH's mother, your DC's grandmother. But you need to grow some thick skin and learn to lie in the bed that YOU have made.

The problem with peukpoki's analysis is that s/he is conflating DH's worldy goods with him mum's. They're completely separate. Whatever DH has should (imo) be shared equally with you, and vice versa. But here we are talking about MIL's money. She does not owe exclusive allegiance to YOU. She may have other children or grandchildren, she may prefer to give that money to a dog's home, she may want to blow it on cruises for herself or afford herself a better quality of care home. Nothing to do with the wife of her DH.

It's not personal. You shouldn't make it so.

OP,
Even after your latest post giving examples of her over involvement then I still think you should agree to rindfence the money. TBH it will give her less reason to be over involved not more.

Don't you think it's understandable for her to want her money to benefit her son (and her future grandchildren).

You and your DHs decisions regarding who looks after the D.C., stays at home etc are entirely your own. It's not your MIL's duty to potentially compensate you for it. It's her money and she wants to ensure it goes to her child. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I literally can t see how that's controlling or offensive.

The money you guys put into the house will still be 50/50 even if you are only contributing by looking after the kids. I think it's sensible for mil to want to protect her money. She could pay that money to her son and it instantly would become half its value if you guys divorced. She just wants her son to have the full amount. You still get the full benefit from the full deposit. It's an amazing thing for a parent to be able to do for their child.

If there were an equivalent document which protected the sahp financially and which dh were prepared to sign, then maybe it would be OK, but as you have and had no protection when you gave up your career to care for the family (it's not just to look after the children is it? you're looking after the entire family dynamic , supporting your dh, etc etc) then it behooves dh to refuse to have anything to do with it either.

Trust goes both ways.

Presumably he will point this out to his mum, as without your sacrifice of your career and independent future, you wouldn't need to borrow from her now.

My sybxh had a massive , unexpected, mh break down,he has enough capacity for divorce proceedings (his instigation) ,

I'm more than likely to be unable to buy him out of the house. I put in £100k myself , he'll get half of that, I so,so wish I'd protected that money,

nothing to do with "till death do us part" ,no one has army idea of what the future may hold, a head injury,or mh crisis, that means the end of a marriage,

I think you mil is right, nothing to do with your marriage as such

Following on from you latest post I think

1. you have a DH problem. Your DH should be managing his mother and her helicopter parenting/interfering. She can only do what he allows her to do

2. I agree with the poster that said you have to take responsibility for life decisions you and your DH have made. You can't blame your MIL for you becoming a SAHP.

3. you clearly have concerns about the influence your MIL has over you and your DH life. If she is as nterfering as she sounds then don't take her money. You will always feel beholden to her, she will always ensure you remember it's her money that bought the house. Is this what you?

Nobody forced your DH to take his current job just as nobody forced you to quit work. They were decision you made. Why should your MIL compensate you for that?

Don't take the money if you hate her as much as your post implies. However I get the feeling you want her for the money and the rights to half of it.

funny how most ppl on this thread seem to find it easier to identify with being either the recipient or the donor of a large cash gift than with a woman who finds herself, as many do, in a potentially financially precarious position due to childrearing obligations and wealth disparity

I see the two issues as being separate and if it were the woman who had the lump sum I'd be saying the same thing. I'm very vocal on woman not putting themselves in risky financial situations due to having kids.

It was said by a pp that parents being able to help out adult children is a good thing. You would think so. However it does cause a lot of upheaval and stress. It also sets SOME dils or sils thinking that the parent has money and is a soft mark. It can also give their own adult child a sense of entitlement prior to death of parents.
It has caused this thread which I think is now 10 pages long.
I would advise parents not to offer money if this is the likely outcome.
The lady has tried to help and has had all sorts said about her by people who have no idea who she is oe what her view of the situation is.

What mil is saying isn't really my cup of tea/ something I'd expect to do myself, but it's well within a range of normal behavior so yabu I guess

funny how most ppl on this thread seem to find it easier to identify with being either the recipient or the donor of a large cash gift than with a woman who finds herself, as many do, in a potentially financially precarious position due to childrearing obligations and wealth disparity

This makes me even more adamant that anything DH and I can leave/give to DD in the future will be protected if it can be.

but as you have and had no protection when you gave up your career to care for the family (it's not just to look after the children is it? you're looking after the entire family dynamic , supporting your dh, etc etc) then it behooves dh to refuse to have anything to do with it either

She does, she's married and her name is going on the deeds/mortgage! - these ARE the legal protections for SAHMS and part time mums etc. The MILs suggestion to look into ring fensing her contribution to the deposit. does not invalidate any of that!

OP her comments sound pretty innoculous to me! So she thinks kids are better off at home (so? so do I! and I'm a work out of home mum!)

She said "well see" when you were speculating about the future - sensible IMO

These are not major interferences!

She says 2+2 and you hear 7 !

The MIL has made suggestions and given opinions - not orders

OP if you want to go back to work, go back to work! Take some responsibility for your life and stop blaming your MIL

I think from your latest post that this is the issue that you're projecting onto everything your MIL says: you aren't happy with your life choices! And instead of being clear and upfront and saying to DH "this isn't working for me, I want to work towards getting back to work" you've projected all your dissatisfaction onto MIL because the pattern that you and DH have fallen into with you SAHMing happens to be in line with her suggestions/opinions.

You're reading things into what she's doing that aren't there.

So what if she thinks dh should work away? Or that you should stay at home?

Her opinions are just that. If you chose to stay at home, that was on you and she shouldn't have to financially compensate you for it!

If you're not happy, get a childminder and go back to work.