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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL wanting a Golddigger Contract signed

356 replies

user1494949919 · 20/05/2017 17:57

So DH and I are in the position where we will need to move house soon. DH's parents have long said that when we want to get on the property ladder they'll kindly gift us a deposit.

We've wanted to buy for a while, and even looked at houses and got mortgage advice many years ago but when we told PIL that we were ready to buy they wanted change our wills etc. We were OK to do so but somehow talks never really progressed and DC came along and we forgot about buying for a while.

Fast forward to now: DH asked MIL if she could give us some of the money she had saved up for him for a deposit. She replied that DH should consider two options: firstly PIL could offer a 0% loan to DH alone to "protect the money" or DH might want to consider a Deed of Trust on the house we get, she then went on to outline a several cases in which marriages had broken down and one partner had been left with nothing. MIL also said that DH didn't have to take either of these options the deposit could just be a gift If he decided but he should have a think about it.

I'm grateful for being given the opportunity to get on the property ladder, as it's so hard to save a deposit these days but AIBU to be upset at MIL mentioning divorce to DH, talking about the possibility of me "leaving him with nothing" and offering to give DH a loan to "protect the money" from me.

On one level I'm thinking she worked long and hard for the money and wants it to just go to her child, but on another it really upsets me as it feels like she's not really supporting the marriage and her request to think about divorce issues is undermining the sanctity of my marriage vows: we said "all that I have I share with you" and promised to be together for life!

I've given up work to look after our children and never thought about the personal money and earning potential I'm forfeiting. Plus I was with DH for years and was our only breadwinner for several periods during our relationship before kids. I've never been in it for money.

Personally I don't think anyone should mention the 'D' word to a happy couple - it seems like bad juju! And parents shouldn't collude to "protect" money from one spouse it changes the dynamic and the power balance of the marriage. Is it just me? Or am I wrong to feel a bit miffed?

OP posts:
Wakemeupbeforeyougogo · 21/05/2017 14:49

i think your MIL is being very sensible.

My friends brother and his wife bought a house, the deposit was £70,000 (a gift from his mum). Fast forward 12 months, friends brother and his fiancé split up, and she claimed half the equity which was £100,000. He wanted to give her £30,000 and he keep the other £70,000 (so he could give if back to his mum), but she said no.

Wakemeupbeforeyougogo · 21/05/2017 14:50

Sorry that should say friends brother and his wife split up.

TinselTwins · 21/05/2017 14:50

Or maybe your DH uses his MIL to not say what he thinks upfront to you
i.e. "DM says it would be better if you SAHM" really means " I want you to be a SAHM but I don't want to put my cards on the table outright"

either way it's between you and your DH to speak up and have a frank conversation about how you wanted to work but ended up staying home. "well I wanted to but MIL said ___ so I didn't" is bullshit!

AmberLin · 21/05/2017 14:58

I'd say no the money. This is what happens when parents get involved too much - they want a say in it. Save up your own deposit, I'd want nothing to do with them tbh.

inlectorecumbit · 21/05/2017 16:24

Sorry user l was in too much of a rush. DD and her DH got the money (deed of trust in place)and bought a plot of land. They have a mortgage together.
They live in a very expensive area and the plot is beside other family of her DH's family, if they should ever split (and you never know) DD wouldn't want to stay there and l felt that the plot money would help her in the future.
I am really torn now Hmm.
That saying l have a lovely DSon in law and he has been fine about the deed of trust it is me that is now uncertain if IABU

anyoldname76 · 21/05/2017 16:32

when me and dh bought a house together i put the majority of the deposit down. the solicitor put in the contract that if we were to split and sell then i would get my deposit back and him his share and the remainder 50/50, i think thats fair

RandomMess · 21/05/2017 16:36

I think if your MIL had been ace in all other respects this wouldn't bother you, however it's clear that she wants her son to be some great career man and you financial independence is a real threat to her.

I am not surprised that you are both hurt and upset by her interference.

Perhaps it would be better just to decline the offer altogether...

MissShittyBennet · 21/05/2017 16:47

I totally see why she'd want the gift to go straight to her grandchildren, that makes complete sense to me. And I also see why you might not want any gift with conditions OP, especially in the light of your updates. So I don't think either of you are BU really.

My worry would just be what happens if when you're older and PILs have passed, if one of your kids divorces and their share of the house left to them in trust forms part of the marital pot. Maybe not an issue if it's a relatively small amount but if it's a large deposit it could be.

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 21/05/2017 16:47

I'm with you, OP. Wanting to protect her son while being very happy at you putting yourself in a financially-vulnerable position to be a SAHM isn't on.

Andrewofgg · 21/05/2017 16:50

I have believed for years that parents should be able to make gifts to adult DC on terms that if in the event of divorce it will belong to their child, not form part of the pot, and be disregarded in deciding who gets waht. I can see the objection to prenups between the parties - although I'm not convinced by them - but I can see no reason against that.

KERALA1 · 21/05/2017 17:22

If the boot were on the other foot what would you do? So if your parents?

TBH I would be quite offended if my parents tried to "protect" money for me at my lovely Dh expense. All he has he gives to me and vice Versa and he has been nothing but a brilliant Dh and father. It would actually piss me off to the extent I wouldn't want the money.

My sisters in laws are very canny, wealthy and self made. The have given extremely large cash advances to their kids to be tax efficient. Never a whisper of "protecting" their gifts though.

AliceTown · 21/05/2017 17:31

See if my parents wanted to give me a large sum of money to help us on to the property ladder, but only on the basis they got the money back in the event of divorce, I'd say go for it, thank you very much, how kind!

Divorce is common. A third of marriages end in divorce. It would be stupid not to consider that. Very few people marry knowing it won't work out. Often people have no idea divorce is on the cards until it is. It's naive to ignore this and go along with the lovely, romantic idea of the sanctity of marriage and the hopes that it will last forever.

While I can understand how meaning is made from this situation to be some kind of comment about the marriage, Tinsel makes a good point. If the MIL was questioning the marriage, presumably she wouldn't be offering large sums of money towards a house. I think it's more a sensible, practical approach and in the event of divorce, I can't imagine my DH wanting to keep money gifted to me, so it really wouldn't matter.

The MIL has said the money can be given with no strings which is extremely generous and further confirms my view that she has nothing against the OP. The OP can still refuse though, out of "principle", if she chooses.

Angelreid14 · 21/05/2017 17:36

I would say something to mother in law. YANBU you married into their family and she shouldn't treat you as though the love you share is a novelty. I would obviously state that should you divorce, which you hope is unlikely as you love him, you intend to make the process as fair as possible. You have invested your time into a relationship that you hope will last but if it doesn't everything will be shared amicably for the children's sake. What can she say to that? Bad juju lol

Craigie · 21/05/2017 17:47

His mother is just being practical. 20+ years down the line you might find yourself offering the same advisce to your own children.

TinselTwins · 21/05/2017 17:56

I would obviously state that should you divorce, which you hope is unlikely as you love him, you intend to make the process as fair as possible.

FFS, nobody plans to have a messy divorce!

graysquirrel · 21/05/2017 17:59

My grandfather bought my house without any of these securities in place. My ex took me for every penny he could out of the house when we divorced. We were once in love and I 100% trusted him. I was wrong.

AliceTown · 21/05/2017 18:06

FFS, nobody plans to have a messy divorce!

Exactly. And those that plan to take their spouses for every penny they can get don't usually warn them about it in advance..!

whomovedmychocolate · 21/05/2017 18:08

First of all, mother in laws are ALL batshit crazy IME. I fully intend to be batshit crazy when my children are old enough to make unsuitable marriages Wink

However, I think OP, you are missing a couple of things:

(1) Outside of adultery the biggest cause of stress in marriage is money problems. She's trying to support the marriage by bunging you a big big of the house purchase.
(2) YOU can chose your reaction on this - why not say 'okay thanks, let's do a deed of trust and let's work towards paying you back over say 10 years because MY FAMILY requires financial independence.
(3) Marriages do break up. Even without the deed of trust, if you broke up after they'd invested in the house, it could be taken into account in the finance order, particularly as you can bet your life they will document everything properly. So you may as well have it. This WILL NOT stop the courts awarding you more than 50% of assets btw, because if you have given up work etc the courts may determine that you NEED more of the assets.
(4) He married you. He chose you, not his mum. The poor chap is probably really torn up about the whole thing and trying to please everyone. I would accept it as just a bump in the road and see how you can both move on to an acceptable solution.

Bon chance!

yourcarisnotadiscovery · 21/05/2017 18:08

OP I can understand why you are hurt but they are being practical. All too often family inheritance money disappears if a couple divorces. Their solicitor and accountant will have advised them to do this and it has no bearing on their views about your relationship. There was a programme on Radio 4 about this the other day and the advice was to protect the money. Please don't be upset.

jojo2916 · 21/05/2017 18:12

She wants it to go to her son, if you did split you could benefit and so could your new partner potentially, of course she doesn't want that to happen, I understand being hurt at the D word but it's sadly quite common so I don't blame her for protecting her son's money. The divorce courts are not exactly known for being fair either. What she said does belittle your marriage and I would be hurt too tbh but it's just a reflection of the society we live in and I don't blame her.

emmakc1977 · 21/05/2017 18:17

It won't make a difference if you get divorced and have children. Loans from parents are often seen as soft loans that do not need to be repaid and "needs" will trump any deed of trust (I.e your needs will be greater than dh if you have to house the children). The courts have wide powers to make orders in these circumstances on divorce. If I were giving to my dc I would want to go on deeds if I felt strongly about protecting my interest.

jumpingjules · 21/05/2017 18:21

I'm a tax guru and spend all my days dealing with this sort of thing.
Yes marriages do go wrong and some go right. There are loads of expensive tricks and trusts we tax types can set up for you all and protect money and feelings. Will cost a fortune however.
But here's some free advice.....go for the interest free loan.....document it, pay it back that way you have your self respect and they have their money. Easy and fair. Don't ever expect some thing for nothing you will always be disappointed.

yourcarisnotadiscovery · 21/05/2017 18:25

OP just a thought - to "protect" the money instead of a Deed of Trust (which would actually feel as if there was a lack of trust) how about using wording in an updated will? (for example, in the event of death or separation the house would automatically go to your children but the remaining/surviving partner would have the right to live their until their death. If you and your DH speak to your accountant /solicitor this could be a way around it and would also prevent anyone else getting their hands on the house/money should the worse happen. (disclaimer - I could be talking total rubbish)

Brogadaccio · 21/05/2017 18:27

I would go back to work. They want it both ways. Tell them that if you are not truly a team then you have to feather your own n3st.

I ended up financially screwed

PerspicaciaTick · 21/05/2017 18:29

I think your MiL is being very sensible in considering all the consequences of lending you money. It must be a hard subject to raise tactfully, but I absolutely think she should discuss her options with you.

She may well have listened to a recent Money Box programme (Radio 4) on exactly this issue. I strongly suggest that the OP has a listen as well, so as to understand where she is coming from.
www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b08q313t