MIL wanting a Golddigger Contract signed

[user1494949919]

So DH and I are in the position where we will need to move house soon. DH's parents have long said that when we want to get on the property ladder they'll kindly gift us a deposit.

We've wanted to buy for a while, and even looked at houses and got mortgage advice many years ago but when we told PIL that we were ready to buy they wanted change our wills etc. We were OK to do so but somehow talks never really progressed and DC came along and we forgot about buying for a while.

Fast forward to now: DH asked MIL if she could give us some of the money she had saved up for him for a deposit. She replied that DH should consider two options: firstly PIL could offer a 0% loan to DH alone to "protect the money" or DH might want to consider a Deed of Trust on the house we get, she then went on to outline a several cases in which marriages had broken down and one partner had been left with nothing. MIL also said that DH didn't have to take either of these options the deposit could just be a gift If he decided but he should have a think about it.

I'm grateful for being given the opportunity to get on the property ladder, as it's so hard to save a deposit these days but AIBU to be upset at MIL mentioning divorce to DH, talking about the possibility of me "leaving him with nothing" and offering to give DH a loan to "protect the money" from me.

On one level I'm thinking she worked long and hard for the money and wants it to just go to her child, but on another it really upsets me as it feels like she's not really supporting the marriage and her request to think about divorce issues is undermining the sanctity of my marriage vows: we said "all that I have I share with you" and promised to be together for life!

I've given up work to look after our children and never thought about the personal money and earning potential I'm forfeiting. Plus I was with DH for years and was our only breadwinner for several periods during our relationship before kids. I've never been in it for money.

Personally I don't think anyone should mention the 'D' word to a happy couple - it seems like bad juju! And parents shouldn't collude to "protect" money from one spouse it changes the dynamic and the power balance of the marriage. Is it just me? Or am I wrong to feel a bit miffed?

Nope. My parents gave us money for a deposit (50k) If we divorce I will get that back and we will split the rest of the house equally. Its not dhs money, the only reason we could buy is my parents sacrifice. For him to keep it in the event of a divorce would be unreasonable. He didn't mind this for a single moment, he suggested it. Pretending that divorce doesn't happen makes a marriage less stable tmm.

In my previous post I said I agreed with your MIL. From your update, I wouldn't take a penny. She is far too involved in your lives. "we'll see" regarding being a SAHP, what business was it of hers anyway?

She seems to still run your DHs life. If I were you I would be sorting out a return to work plan and earning the money for the deposit yourself. I don't even think its the "protecting the son and grandchildren" that is really the problem here. It is the "I think it would be best if we made sure that if anything doesn't go swimmingly, then my boy is still just fine", without a thought about you and what you have already given up. I get it was a joint decision, but it was a joint decision on what was best for the family as a unit. Really isn't fair to do that and then make this one on what is best from anything other than the family unit.

I understand the whole, in death business, but in case of divorce when you have already given up so much so he would do better in his career, well, his money is your money. Although, as a PP said, it may not stand up in court. I don't know though.

And then MILs have the audacity to wonder why they aren't treated with the same exact consideration as their DILs treat/spend time with their own mothers....
to exclude your DIL and make it so obvious that she is the outsider of all of this is just freaking harsh... the woman wouldn't even have GC if not for the OP.

I think it would be one thing if a trust of some sort was set with those sort of stipulations LONG before your child was married, but definitely not after. The way my dads will was written was in the event something happened to me then my husband would get my inheritance... He is the father of my kids after all and I only think that is right.

But then again I think it's a little strange to worry so much that not only your kids get nice inheritances, but also grandkids...??? That's thinking a bit far into the future and I'd like to think the parents can provide their own inheritances to their DCs?

Reading all these posts I am even more grateful that my dad truly welcomed and accepted my husband as another son..... he would never have told me not to share his hard earned money with him, because he loved him too!.. So yes OP I'd be very upset.

As I inferred from the OP, you have rather a scheming MIL who has never really accepted you, and would probably never accept anyone was good enough for her darling boy. Your DH has to stand up to her though, that's the critical thing now.

I think she maybe worded it badly but in the end it's her money and she wants to help her child.

My in laws are about to gift my DH with a significant sum of money. I am under no illusion that it's his but we will all benefit to a certain extent.

It's in a trust and I would bet my bottom dollar it has protection to ensure partners of the children couldn't waltz off with it. Not that I would have any intention of doing so.

I guess she is just being careful but has maybe worded it clumsily.

It's her money, that she's worked for. She can attach any clauses to it that she wants. But you have a choice to take it, or not.

There are lots of people out there who don't have the luxury of a parent offering help to their kids to get into the property ladder, you make no mention of your own parents helping. So instead of dissing her, just make sure you make the right choice.

but In this case it's the MILs money. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Money that she acquired and that she could chose to spend on herself. She is very kindly giving it to the OPs DH - something that will also benefit the OP. I think if the MIL wants to ringfence the money then she should

It's her money as long as it's in her possession. Once she gives it to her adult married son, it's his money. If she wants to ringfence 'her' money that much, then she should keep it or put it in trust for the gc.

OP's updates make it clear that MIL is way over-involved and over-invested in her and DH's lives. I suggested earlier in the thread that she sounds like one of those ILs who sees her offspring's spouses as inconvenient adjuncts to 'her' family, and that's how it has turned out to be. DH really needs to step up and stand up to his mother and set boundaries. In that scenario it would be unwise to take their money at all, it will allow further interference.

Money Programme on Radio 4 dealt exactly with this last week, Bank of Mum and Dad and gifts of money to children. Listen to it as its full of information. IMO I do not think that you MIL is being unreasonable to protect the cash input she is giving to her son, although hard to swallow. If both your names are on the mortgage then half of the property would be yours except for the gift to your husband. It's difficult so think you need to get advice on this, also, up to your husband and how he feels. Listen to Money Programme though, it is very good on this and will also answer questions.

I am very lucky to have my partner's mother helping me financially on a personal level, which benefits both my partner and I but the loan was only between MIL and I. It made me feel accepted even though I am not married to her son, we have two grown up children and been together for 33 years. I think the relationship between you and husband, and the fact that you are now a family should play a large deciding factor in the gift, and in this case I would think that you DH should accept the gift on behalf of both of you, you are a unit after all. My son has just put his first foot on the housing ladder with help for the deposit from us. He has a new girlfriend. If she is to move in with him I will be offering him advice on protecting the money we gave/ lent him. Once again, take proper advice. You cannot foresee the future, anything can happen.

Looks to me like your MiL is a bit over invested emotionally in your marriage. She interferes rather a lot so I guess this shouldn't have come as a surprise. While I get her concern, it is rather crass to express it to your DH when there isn't any hint of a problem with your marriage.

The important thing is that you and your DH are on the same page. Good Luck with the house hunting!

Well, presumably she is taking into account your contribution to the household in the form of childcare and that you supported him?

Sounds like a sensible solution to me. If you don't want the money, don't accept it.

Now if she wanted him to benefit from a proportional value of any increase in value of the house then that's taking it too far. Protecting just the money she gives him is fair enough though. As long as in the event of a split you take out that deposit and then split everything else between you equally.

How large a sum are we talking about, because i think that makes a difference. If it's say 20-30k it's different from say 100k.

I wonder if the key difference between people's opinion here is experience.
My parents split up after 30 years of marriage and that has had a massive impact on how I think.
I love my DH, we've been together 20 years, but I have always worked and I have always structured my life so I am independent.

Hand on heart, I do not expect us to split, but I know shit happens.

My DH's parents stayed together until MIL died, so DH has a very different view of the world - much less cynical and much less inclined to think bad stuff will happen. I doubt he has even spent one second thinking about how he would get on financially if we split.

I've not rtft but my PILs did a similar thing. They have given money to their children over the years and then when the DCs split with partners, the money has gone to the ex.
They are lucky to have quite a bit of money but also have 6 DCs.

They have given DP and his DB a chunk of money for a deposit but on the understanding that it is a loan that is only repayable if they split with their DP (ie me and DBs girlfriend)
It works for me as I actually have more than the gift/loan from my house sale to put into the joint house and so we have unequal shares to protect both our money.

Obviously, I want to be with DP forever, but we are realistic enough to know that is not a guaranteed thing, so have sorted it now rather than having to sort it if we split.

They say "neither a borrower or a lender be". I can see your MIL's point of view and I can also see why you are offended by her suggestions. In the circumstances I wouldn't touch their money. Save up yourselves for a deposit on a more modest property.

Our house was paid for about 70% by money I inherited when both parents died (I would rather have them than the money btw) and the rest is shared mortgage (DH and me). My MIL, who has frequently enjoyed staying in the house and is waited on hand and foot, but has NEVER in 15 years of our marriage cooked a meal for us) has told me she has arranged her finances so that If DH dies before me, I will get nothing and it will go to our children and be held in trust for them till they are old enough. She only cares about money and doesn't seem to appreciate when people care for her.

I think nannieann probably has it right. The MIL obviously had good intentions but has unwittingly caused a potential rift with her DIL.

Bluebell you're our favourite!

I draft wills for clients and can't help warming to the ones that make specific provision for their children's spouses, parents of their grandchild they see and appreciate loving and supporting their own children. The cynicism is sad

Ahhhhhh

TBH I would be quite offended if my parents tried to "protect" money for me at my lovely Dh expense. All he has he gives to me and vice Versa and he has been nothing but a brilliant Dh and father. It would actually piss me off to the extent I wouldn't want the money

Good point, If my DP had spoken to me about dh like this yes - although I may disagree and fight it- it does sow seed of doubt onto partner...protecting myself from him.

Our house is very similar, in DH name and gift from parents, I have my own assets now and will be willing to share when my name goes on mortgage.

I have been very much treated like a renter for free by DH parents and was even told at one point I couldn't refer to the house as my home. I am a sahm, and have two DC. I hate and loathe my Pils.

I think your MIL is being perfectly reasonable. Marriages end in divorce all the time. I wouldn't take it as a reflection on you personally, just MIL being savvy. I'm sure she doesn't mean it to be offensive.

Another point to consider is - when you marry into a family you can if you get on reasonably well spend years of your life with people building relationships. Its not unheard of for ex wives to get on and still meet with their ex in laws after divorce....surely this is best scenario that all these relationships are not ripped apart esp if DC involved? Future uni graduations, school events, weddings?????

I just feel its best to try and treat new people in the family and then longer term members of the family well so yes - if divorce happens....you have a fighting chance of staying on friendly terms?

Treating op like this or how my in laws have treated me over the years......creates massive animosity.

I would make sure I would not facilitate them seeing their GC. It wouldn't stop them, their dad could facilitate. But I wouldn't put any effort whatsoever into the relationship.

Wow.

If you're the type of person to start using the children as pawns then they'd be right to protect their money from you.