Accepting kids party invitations but not reciprocating

[42andcounting]

DD(3) has recently started getting a lot of birthday party invitations from other children at nursery, mostly from children we don't know but she does IYSWIM. Some of them are quite expensive options like soft play parties. As it turns out, all but one so far have clashed with other things, so we have rsvp'd "no, but thank you very much for the invitation".

We are very unlikely to have this kind of 'extended friends' party when her birthday rolls around, partly due to cost and partly because we have a huge family so tend to have a party at home with family and close friends.

So, WIBU to accept invitations for her, knowing that we probably won't reciprocate? DD is sometimes a bit oblivious, on occasion doesn't even know who the party child is when I ask her, so probably wouldn't be that bothered if we declined, if that makes any difference.

This thread is making me worried now. I'm just planning DD2's 6th birthday and she wants to invite some children whose parents I don't know very well. And also a couple of children in a different year group. She hasn't been to many of their parties but she wants to invite them because she likes playing with them.

I always get a bit anxious about parties and worry in case people don't show up and my DDs don't enjoy themselves. It had never, ever occurred to me that parents might decline an invitation just because they can't/don't intend to invite my DDs to their party. I couldn't care less about a reciprocal invite but I think it's weird and hurtful to not attend a party for such a silly reason- because the birthday child wants your child there and will be happier if most of their friends can come.

It's got nothing to do with "social cleansing" but just basic manners. If we take up an invite, we offer the same in return as it's good manners. Just as we would with adult friends who invite us.

I posted upthread about how my son hates the idea of having a party of his own. It would be pretty piss poor manners of anyone to expect me to throw a party for him when he is likely to spend his time sitting in the corner sobbing. And on the other hand, it's also pretty piss poor manners of me to repeatedly rebuff his friends when they invite him to their parties because they want to spend time with him. I have turned down invitations in the past (because he doesn't like parties at all really) and his friends have been disappointed because they wanted him there. By your logic, manners would dictate that I hurt the feelings of a five year old in order to repay some sort of debt (that I didn't ask to enter into) to their parents. . Doesn't seem very polite to me.

And also, as adults, I don't know anyone who expects reciprocal invitations to things. I can't even start to think of a situation where that would happen.

This 'you must reciprocate' feels like 'buying friendship' to me.

So unpopular member of the class can have a big birthday party for the whole class, in order to 'buy' access to all other parties all year? Whereas a popular but maybe less gregarious or less well off child (or one with parents who, for whatever reason, don't hold a big party) must carefully turn down all invitations all year EXCEPT the few children who they have already identified that they want at their party?

Bizarre.

This is a very weird thread. As children get older they do realise who doesn't have parties and make their own decisions about whether they want these children at theirs or not. Some parents don't like parties interrupting their weekends. The parents of perennially popular children find it expensive. However good manners means trying to include children who like your child sufficiently to have included them. When your child is disappointed because they have invited 12 or 15 and get about 4 invitations back you do know that some people just don't want your child and your child will notice eventually. The others had parties but just don't invite your child. There are countless threads about children being upset by this and it hurts. So it's not just parents who notice, it's the children in the end. The party invites were very controlled by parents at our schools and very much "people like us".

Also, if your child has their birthday near the end of the school year and you have a limited capacity to have a party, do you end up inviting all the kids that have invited them and telling them they can't actually have their own friends there? That would be pretty strange.

If someone came on here AIBUing about having a big wedding inviting some people who then had smaller weddings with close family and friends due to cost or convenience, both perfectly acceptable reasons, they would have their arse set on fire then handed to them.

Or indeed no wedding at all judging by the minority opinion.

Goes for parties too.

And yet the people who are clearly in the minority view here keep insisting they're right and we're all rude/entitled or whatever.
As many previous posters have said I cannot even imagine keeping tabs on this kind of thing, and if I met an adult in real life that expressed this kind of view I would be astounded and think they were a very mean-spirited, sad individual indeed who was completely missing the point!!

I have been worrying about this too!! DD is at nursery and has had several invites. I have accepted them all as it is lovely for her to see her friends (and celebrate with the birthday child whose parents obviously want to give a lovely party) and we always get a nice present for the birthday child. However, because of the fact I live in a close-knit town if I invited one group, that would mean through my friend/family connections, or through DD nursery connections there would be tons of children and I would have to hire somewhere as house and garden is too small to accommodate children and parents as well as grandparents. I always like to give DD a party (family and close friends whom she sees on a regular basis - perhaps 8 children who are her friends) but think that I won't do the big party thing till she's at school. I do worry though that someone might take offense. Similarly there are a couple of kids whom I will invite to DD birthday (because we see them regularly) but they did not have party for their child (due to financial restraints). This puts me in another quandry - I would like to buy present for their child as they will be invited to DD's party, but don't want to make parents uncomfortable by going to theirs with a present for their child when they didn't have a party. I am a natural worrier and just have to think that people will be sensible and kind and will appreciate the reasons for having/not having party. Who thought that children's parties could be so complicated! Sorry OP - I have rambled (had wine!) Let your child enjoy their parties and do what you always intended. Friendship groups will change and as they get older I would just respond to who they would want to invite.

All of you worrying about upcoming parties, please don't.

The vast majority of people organise what they/their child wants to do, to celebrate the child's birthday. They invite the friends they want or the whole class...whatever suits them. As it should be. When it's your child's birthday, do what suits you/your child/your circumstances.

No one with half a brain gives a crap. People who keep rally are the sort of people best avoided.

If you child is invited to a party & wants to go, let them. The birthday child (or parent) has invited them because they want them to be there, not so they get a return invite. If you don't let them go because you don't plan to have a big party, then it's the children who miss out. Both the inviter & the invitee.

As for having friends over, it all comes out in the wash. Anyone petty enough to be worrying about this shit needs to get something to better occupy themselves with. If the kids want a friend to come for tea/play/sleepover we invite them. I don't give the tiniest shit if they get invited back or not, as long as the kids are happy it's all good. Favours to the parents the same, I'll happily help out if I can, I don't care that they can't reciprocate. I do it to help them out because I can, not because they then 'owe me'.

I've never reciprocated parties because I have a lot of kids and cost is an issue, plus my ds has adhd and aspergers and his behaviour has been so extreme over the years that we can't have kids over to the house let alone parties. My ds does not like kids in the house and will swear and shout and tell them to fuck off.

It's very awkward. Luckily one or two of the parents are aware of this and still invite the dds over anyway which is nice

And yet the people who are clearly in the minority view here keep insisting they're right and we're all rude/entitled or whatever.

Surely it is far more entitled expecting return invites?

I quite agree!

It's never even crossed my mind to decline if we can't reciprocate. Ds4 (3) has been invited to 4 all class parties. We've been able to attend 3 of them and declined 1. 2 of the birthday children he couldn't tell me who they were when we got there as he hadn't learnt their name yet at nursery!

However ds won't be having a party for his birthday as it's too expensive to hire somewhere to invite the whole class (he doesn't have any set friends at this age) and our house is too small to fit them in if they all decided to come!

We still have big parties, so I like to reciprocate as I worry the other children will feel like they have been left out - but I don't expect others to reciprocate as not every one likes to have big parties or can afford to do them etc etc. Also friendship groups change and that's just part of life.

Both ds1 and ds2 have quite a big party each year - it would never occur to me to keep tally of who invites back - they just want their best buddies there - plain and simple! I would feel terrible if anyone declined because they wouldn't be reciprocating.

I'm starting to think about DD's party, so out of interest I went through the calendar. I reckon this academic year she's been to about 15 parties. Maximum I will be allowing her to invite to her own is 7. Since her birthday is the end of the year and she's only 7, kids she was friends with at the beginning of the school year aren't all the same kids she's friends with now and will want at her party. Those of you who think it's rude not to invite back, how do you suggest I do this?

I agree on the friendship changes -

But also especially girls - tend o be best buddies with up coming birthday girls to wrangle an invite - then drop them like stones for the next party invite -

Those girls never had a party - and never had a future in it either

Why would it be rude to accept an invitation to someone's house? People invite you to their house because they want you to visit.

golden I would be horrified if any of my own friends didn't accept an invite to mine because they couldn't reciprocate. I invite people because I want to see them, it has nothing to do with wanting anything in return.

I apply the same logic to kids parties.

Why is this not the same for children?

Because if you have dinner the expectation is a return dinner -

However at a party the acceptance is offset by a present - so no expectation of a return invite

I don't even think that the expectation is a return invite amongst adults. People who are actually friends understand that sometimes people can't host them in return. We sometimes go for dinner at some friends' house. We can't host them in return because they have a big family and we just don't have room for them in our house. They know that. They still invite us because they want to spend time with us.

Another friend wasn't able to have visitors for years because she had an elderly relative living with her, who got very confused and distressed at visitors. Should we have stopped inviting her to dinner because she couldn't host us in return? That's madness.

Most adult parties I've been to, people take wine/dessert/small gift/card etc. Just a token gesture. Surely that counts in the same way? Although it shouldn't have to count, I don't expect gifts in return for hosting for myself or for DD. We invite people because we like them and we want to see them. It's as simple as that. No strings attached.

I've never given one thought to reciprocal invitations for parties. Play dates possibly, but not parties.
Parties are too variable - it could be an invite for just one kid through to the whole class. I've always done the party the DC want and let them invite whoever they like.
Most parents just do the event the kids want and for the numbers they can manage/afford/transport - whatever.
Our DC have been left off party invite lists by kids they thought were best friends and then had invites from kids they barely know.

I would not waste any times worrying about this - do whatever you want to .