Accepting kids party invitations but not reciprocating

[42andcounting]

DD(3) has recently started getting a lot of birthday party invitations from other children at nursery, mostly from children we don't know but she does IYSWIM. Some of them are quite expensive options like soft play parties. As it turns out, all but one so far have clashed with other things, so we have rsvp'd "no, but thank you very much for the invitation".

We are very unlikely to have this kind of 'extended friends' party when her birthday rolls around, partly due to cost and partly because we have a huge family so tend to have a party at home with family and close friends.

So, WIBU to accept invitations for her, knowing that we probably won't reciprocate? DD is sometimes a bit oblivious, on occasion doesn't even know who the party child is when I ask her, so probably wouldn't be that bothered if we declined, if that makes any difference.

Thepatchwork - I honestly think it's a mn thing, I've never experienced this in irl, nor have any of my friends. I think more more normal to not do stuff to get things in return, because it makes you/your dc happy than not. Bit like grabbyness with weddings etc - not the norm but a few do it

Very much hope not to meet anything like this irl GahBuggerit, my DC is only nursery age at the mo. Everyone I know in actual real life is more reasonable than some people seem to be on MN!

Even if we did experience this id be glad that there is less chance of that sort of attitude rubbing off on my dc. We may not have a lot of money to throw parties just to ensure that everyone's invite is reciprocated but I do feel rich that I have 2 very generous and caring dc who would be horrified, even at their young ages, if I ever left one of their friends out of something because they weren't invited anywhere in return.

Social cleansing goes both ways

I let DD go to parties and I am not likely to reciprocate.

I have huge anxiety and stress issues and just thinking about organising a party where I have to invite and entertain people (children and their parents) I don't know puts me in a terrible panic. Should my DD suffer because if this?

She is popular at school and has lots of friends, she is often invited to parties and her friends would be sad if she didn't go. Should her friends be disappointed because of my MH issues?

It honestly didn't occur to me that some parents are keeping score like that. I thought they threw big parties because that is what they wanted to do for their child.

MN boggles me sometimes.

I have a mixed response to this.

When it's preschool, I don't usually know the parents, or the child, at all. So yes, I may accept the invitation if DS2 doesn't have anything else on.
But by the end of that party, I probably still barely know the parents or child at all, so I wouldn't necessarily feel bad about not reciprocating.

When it comes to playgroup though - I see those mums and kids every week. I know them. If one of them invites DS2 to a party, then I would only let him go if I intended to invite them back to his party. I absolutely would not take the hospitality of someone I wouldn't offer hospitality to in this circumstance.

I see this makes me hypocritical, but at 3 or 4, DS2 only had tiny parties anyway, with either just family or family and his best friends from activities he does (Mostly playgroup)

His next birthday is his 5th though, and it might be a bigger one - but he goes to 2 different preschools, AND 2 playgroups, so I'm not inviting everyone! I'll just stick to the people I know (and maybe the 2 birthday children whose party he went to over the last year).

this thread is brilliant: some parents expect their children to be involved in everything and be invited to parties, but openly admit they can't be bothered to do the same. Let other people do the hard work and spend their money, but make sure your own child benefits.
What's the definition of entitled again?

Should also say that DS1's parties have all been based on who he wants to invite, although anyone who has invited him to a party automatically gets an invitation to his party too - because it's school, and that's a bit different. He doesn't ever go to as many parties as he has guests though - so others either don't have parties, or don't feel the need to reciprocate either.

strike did you manage to keep a straight face when you wrote that post?

The only ones expecting invites are the 'only do it to get something back'. I don't expect my dc to be invited anywhere thank you very much. Id hope they wouldn't be the only ones left out of a party though, not to be all entitled n shit like the ones I mention above, but I'd find hard to explain to my dc why some grown ups act spiteful like this.

But as I say, I don't know anyone irl like this.

some parents expect their children to be involved in everything and be invited to parties, but openly admit they can't be bothered to do the same.

I don't think anyone has said that, or certainly very few have said anything resembling it. The parents who don't keep a tally are also unlikely to be bothered about not being invited.

Maybe you'd explain to your kids why you don't have a party for them in conjunction with why the other parents are "acting spiteful", as you call it?

In real life, people are too polite to tell you that you are rude, they are still allowed to think it though. You are happy to accept invitations, but can't be bothered to throw one yourself and your kid has enough parties to go to thanks to the other parents who do bother? Nice, very nice.

At that age, the only party children really care about is their own, so they are hardly to notice if some of their guests dont invite back, or that other children even have birthdays. Mum might notice. But by the time she cottons on you will have both moved on to school, and that is when it starts mattering.

So, Yanbu. Let your dd go to parties, her role as a guest is to delight birthday child with her showing up bearing gifts. That is the point.

Should I force my son to have a party that he hates, just to be polite?

Why would he hate his own party, but love everybody else's, treacle?

strik,

You hold a party for your child, who invites who they would like to be there. My child brings a present. End of 'transaction', if you want to see it like that.

I hold a party for my child, who e.g. wants a football party, and your child isn't one he platys football with, so he invites his football friends. They bring presents. End of transaction.

Inviting my child to your parties doesn't, and shouldn't, guarantee them a space at my child's next party, unless my child wants them to be there for that particular party.

He doesn't love everyone else's parties. He doesn't usually want to go. But I try to encourage him to so that his friends aren't disappointed that he doesn't turn up.

My children are aware that they don't have parties due to money. We go out for a meal instead just the 4 of us.

And not inviting a child to a party because their parents haven't had one so can't reciprocate could probably be a dictionary definition of spitefulness.

Or do you mean explain to my children that the reason they are the only ones left out of little Tarquins party is because I couldn't afford to have one to invite Tarquin to? I think they are a bit too young and innocent yet to know that there are pricks who act like this. (All hypothetical of course - I don't appear to know any pricks :) )

I am intrigued though - those that wouldn't invite a kid again because their parents didn't throw one to nvite your kid to - what would you say to your dc if they still wanted to invite them and didn't care? I assume you would you say "no sweetie, X didn't invite you to their party so they aren't coming to yours"?

If that last post is directed at me strike I can assure you that the other parents know the score and are lovely about it. Stop judging everyone else by your standards.

No fucking clue what you are going on about having enough parties to go to though, assume that's directed at someone else.

Flogging - some ASD or an children are ok at other people's parties but not their own. Some NT children are the same, it's because the focus isn't on them that they are ok at other people's parties. I never had a party as a child, partly cost and partly because the thought of being the centre of attention made me very anxious, still does.

There is nothing wrong with not reciprocating OP. Some kids don't ever have big parties, for various reasons. It would be horrible for them to miss out on going to others parties because of mean parents keeping a tally of invites. I always try and send along a decent /thoughtful gift to bring some balance anyway. Mine have had large parties in the past but small birthday treats the past few. I did feel a bit hurt on my DC's behalf when a friend didn't invite her to her birthday treat when that friend has been at all my DD's parties and treats, but I guess that's just the way it goes.

I do wonder with these threads how parents explain to their DC.. You can't invite X because his birthday was a few months ago and he didn't invite you..

What if Twins invite you to a party and bought a gift between them are both allowed to come to a party?

No you can't invite y..They are on the list of people who can't afford a party

Some people are really overthinking it. The children want their friends there.

What if they were best friends in September invited to Z party..Now its June . they do not have anything to do with each other.

My children have never not been invited to a friends party. They're friends, that's the whole point. The non-reciprocity always come from kids you are just being polite with.

"I am not able to host parties so my children don't accept invitations."

But that's just ridiculous! Honestly.

Agree with Bertrand - my DC2 is 3 about to turn 4 (so assuming the age group of the ones inviting the OP's DD), I asked her who she wanted to come to her party and invited those children. Some she went to their parties, some she didn't, I don't know if thats because they didn't invite her or didn't have a party. Some she went to their party 6 months ago but doesnt play with them at pre-school so didn't want them in the 10 I said she could invite to her party. I'm pretty sure she only got invited to their party because it was 'whole pre-school' invited, not because it was a small party.

Actually op I don't think it's rude only if you don't invite anyone else in the class if you ever do have one.
That way no one can say your Dd attended a party, then had one of her own but invited only specific kids.
People who do whole class parties are just being polite not to exclude anyone.