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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Accepting kids party invitations but not reciprocating

261 replies

42andcounting · 20/05/2017 08:44

DD(3) has recently started getting a lot of birthday party invitations from other children at nursery, mostly from children we don't know but she does IYSWIM. Some of them are quite expensive options like soft play parties. As it turns out, all but one so far have clashed with other things, so we have rsvp'd "no, but thank you very much for the invitation".

We are very unlikely to have this kind of 'extended friends' party when her birthday rolls around, partly due to cost and partly because we have a huge family so tend to have a party at home with family and close friends.

So, WIBU to accept invitations for her, knowing that we probably won't reciprocate? DD is sometimes a bit oblivious, on occasion doesn't even know who the party child is when I ask her, so probably wouldn't be that bothered if we declined, if that makes any difference.

OP posts:
babybythesea · 21/05/2017 13:10

I've never invited people for dinner assuming I'll get an invitation in return. I invite friends over because I want to hang out with them. Often, they turn up with dessert or drinks or something. I kind of figure that I get to stay in my own home and choose the food, and don't have to worry about who is driving home, so they've almost done me a favour by coming out, especially if they've brought food! So in my world, this operates exactly like parties. You invite people because you like them and want to enjoy their company, not because you want an invitation I return.

GahBuggerit · 21/05/2017 13:38

I've never reciprocated tea at someone's house either. They have dining rooms, tables etc whereas I don't.

My friends know this so, again because they aren't twats, they don't stop inviting me because I can't return it. I do always take the dessert though and a decent but cheap bottle of fizz.

AgentOprah · 21/05/2017 15:25

I think its much more rude to refuse a friends dinner invite than it is to accept and not host back. I've never invited friends round with the expectation that they owe me a dinner - I just want to enjoy their company.

Alphvet · 21/05/2017 17:47

It's fine to not reciprocate. Not everyone has parties. That's fine. I've been to parties and not reciprocated because we havent had a party

iMogster · 21/05/2017 18:13

If your DD is having a party, the most important things are to pick somewhere she would like, invite her favourite friends and keep in your budget. Don't invite a child your DD hardly knows just because they invited her.

gemma19846 · 21/05/2017 18:13

Some people have smaller parties than others so its impossible to always invite the kids that have invited them. Some kids hire a hall and invite the whole class and some (like us) invited 8-10 close friends to a smaller type of party (eg wall climbing, cinema, bowling) i think its fine not to always invite everyone whos invited my dc. Also parties are all year so its impossible to know who will invite who!

Flowersandbirds · 21/05/2017 18:21

Absolutely fine not to reciprocate. At my kids birthday parties, I do what I think they would like and I don't expect anything return, even birthday gifts. I would be horrified if someone felt that they had to have a party they didn't want or couldn't afford just to "return" a party invitation. i think play dates are a bit different, assuming the parents aren't working full time and are able as it doesn't cost anything much.

ittakes2 · 21/05/2017 19:23

There is a boy in my son's class who unfort is very aggressive and nasty to other children. My son prefers to avoid him, so not surprisingly does not invite him to his birthday party each year.
But each year this boy asks to be invited to my son's party - he also invites my son to his party. But my son doesn't go to his party because, considering my son doesn't like this boy, I feel it would be unkind to go and pretend to be his friend for the day. Also, I think it would be a bit cruel to this boy to go to his party but never invite him to my son's party knowing that each year he asks if he can be invited.

insideoutsider · 21/05/2017 19:31

I encouraged my daughter to accept the birthday invitation to the class bully's party. Lots of others were invited too. It's DD's birthday now and we're doing a small but expensive 'thing' where she gets to invite 5 special friends from home, school and dance class - her best friends. Only 2 people in her class got an invite.

ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS to expect her to invite the girl she likes the least and call it politeness. Politeness was accepting the girl's invitation, buying her a present and my being nice to her and her parents when I see them around.

Sallystyle · 21/05/2017 20:01

My children have been invited to lots of parties throughout the years but I have never done a big class party before.

It never crossed my mind I needed to reciprocate.

I thought they were invited because their friends wanted them there. I never thought the parents would want something back.

ToffeeCake1 · 21/05/2017 20:01

Hey! If you don't want to throw a massive party and invite them I wouldn't! It's not like you're inviting some not others! But if you are a bit worried about what the children or their parents might think then perhaps invite some for tea after school or something?

Sallystyle · 21/05/2017 20:16

If we take up an invite, we offer the same in return as it's good manners. Just as we would with adult friends who invite us.

What? My friend is having a BBQ soon. I have no plans to have one myself. Am I actually meant to invite her to a BBQ here just because she wanted to have one?

Bloody hell. How complicated. I had no idea that when I'm invited somewhere I'm meant to do the same in return.

LML83 · 21/05/2017 20:36

I have done whole class party for primary one and two so we didn't leave anyone out and it is nice to get to know the children in her class.
I get annoyed at people who don't rsvp as it is means extra party bags, food 'just in case' also couldn't invite some children (my friends children) in case all of the class did manage.
I would never be annoyed at someone who rsvp'd no as I understand how busy life gets. I would never expect an invite back either.
When DD settles into a regular group of friends that is who we will invite. Regardless of who came to previous parties, or who had invited her. Even the ones who didn't rsvp would still get invited (grudgingly) if dd chose them.

wizzler · 21/05/2017 20:38

When my DC were small I got quite anxious about party etiquette.. then I came to the conclusion that we would invite people who the DC wanted to invite.. and this made it all a lot simpler. There were times when DS invited people I was surprised about,but that was fine.. up to him.

He always invited one boy who never reciprocated because he always just had a family party... fine... DS invited him, so he came.

I wouldnt have let DS invite all but one of his class, because that would be mean ( he never suggested it anyway).. but just letting the DC choose ended all the angst for me

treaclesoda · 21/05/2017 20:41

Threads like these always make me wonder if some people even like their friends. All this talk of reciprocal invitations etc. It all sounds more like a business transaction than a friendship.

PickledLilly · 21/05/2017 21:08

We've been having this debate in our house this week. DD (nearly 4) has been invited to a few all class/all the girls parties by people she's not particularly friendly with, all 'hire a hall' type parties.
For her birthday, she wants a fairly expensive activity. There's no way we can afford to invite everyone. DH is of the opinion that she should reciprocate and invite people whose parties she has attended but I'm of the option that if she can only have say six or seven children, they should be her friends that she actually plays with and wants there! I can't see that we should have the type of party she doesn't really want just so we can invite everyone.

Theresnonamesleft · 21/05/2017 21:08

Over the years my dc's have been to loads of parties. We have held even more.

At no point ever have we thought oh x invited so have to invite back. And y has never invited so up yours you aren't coming.

With the children it's about who their mates are. Friends change over the year, especially at primary age. And hell would freeze over before my dc would have invited the kid that was the bully and has stitches as a result.
All because 7 months prior my child had gone to a party of theirs.

As teens they've had parties and never said well not inviting z because they never have parties. Theu realise people's circumstances are different.

I have parties and don't think oh not inviting this person to a BBQ because they don't invite me back. They come because I enjoy spending time with them. Nor do I think about the same person when inviting for dinner nope not coming.

unapaloma · 21/05/2017 21:29

I never even thought of keeping score on parties, some kids in DCs class never had a party until they were teens because the parents were hard up and one had a long term health problem. I'd have felt awful if the child had not been able to go to any parties because his parents weren't in a position to invite the children back :-(.

If my DC wanted to invite someone, they were invited - some parents never even spoke as they dropped off kids to party each year, one had hit my car parking and dismissed it as me fussing - I would not want any of the kids to be excluded for any of those reasons tho. The party isn't for me, its for my DC to have his friends together to celebrate.

GoldenWondering · 21/05/2017 21:42

This reply has been withdrawn

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Buffalobabe1986 · 21/05/2017 22:18

I can't believe people are saying that you must decline an invitation to a party of you don't intend to reciprocate - in other words you should deny your child the fun and friendship opportunities of attending a peer group party because you the parent won't throw a future party?! Maybe I'm alone in this, but I couldn't give a monkeys if my child doesn't get invited to one of her guests parties - like others have said, friendships change on a daily basis at nursery age, and loads of parents don't throw parties - there are far bigger things to worry about than reciprocal invitations...

Theresnonamesleft · 21/05/2017 22:41

Oh and did the whole class thing once.
Took them all to the park. Took a few different ball games and drinks. Worked out a deal with a local pizza place for a discount.

Crumbs1 · 21/05/2017 23:18

A person is invited soles because the person issuing the invitation wants their company. This is true of children and adults and invitations should not be given with any expectation of a reciprocal arrangement unless that is discussed at the time.

IndigoWendigo · 21/05/2017 23:55

I can't believe people are saying you should decline if your aren't going to reciprocate...

So her DD can't go to all these parties because her own party will be a small family affair? Bullshit.

I went to all the parties where the whole class were invited. But, I wasn't big on celebrating my own birthdays so only invited 3 or 4 people, or just spent it with family. Nobody stopped inviting me or had am issue with it.

In what world do you have to hold a bigger party for your DC just because you went to their parties?

Playground/school-run politics astound me.

ExplodedCloud · 22/05/2017 00:18

I just don't have the head space to worry about this stuff. The parties I've done for my dc have been for them. They invited who they wanted within the numbers of the venue (home or hall etc) and I was happy that their friends came and everyone had fun.

treaclesoda · 22/05/2017 07:05

I think on mumsnet this comes up a lot. People do get upset if their friends never reciprocate.

Yes, if course. Friendships shouldn't be one sided. But that doesn't mean that every invitation has to be reciprocated in the same way. In adult friendships if A likes to have dinner guests but B lives in a tiny flat with no space for a table, it doesn't mean B is a freeloader because they accept A's invitation. If B is a kind caring friend, who is supportive and helpful, who maybe does a favour when asked or helps in an emergency, they already are reciprocating just by being a good friend. They don't suddenly become an entitled arse just because they don't invite A round for dinner.