Accepting kids party invitations but not reciprocating

[42andcounting]

DD(3) has recently started getting a lot of birthday party invitations from other children at nursery, mostly from children we don't know but she does IYSWIM. Some of them are quite expensive options like soft play parties. As it turns out, all but one so far have clashed with other things, so we have rsvp'd "no, but thank you very much for the invitation".

We are very unlikely to have this kind of 'extended friends' party when her birthday rolls around, partly due to cost and partly because we have a huge family so tend to have a party at home with family and close friends.

So, WIBU to accept invitations for her, knowing that we probably won't reciprocate? DD is sometimes a bit oblivious, on occasion doesn't even know who the party child is when I ask her, so probably wouldn't be that bothered if we declined, if that makes any difference.

It's rude not to reciprocate, you don't have to throw a big party extravaganza, the offer of a play date of some kind is more than enough. How much does that cost? The other family is free to decline but you have made the gesture.

Parents who invite the whole class are usually not that bothered about all the school pupils and neither are their child, but they try to do a nice thing and not exclude anyone. If you can't be bothered, then don't complain because your child is the only one not being invited next year.

That said, you do have major brownie points for replying to the invitation. It doesn't cost anything and it saves the parents inviting so much headaches. I'd much rather someone not reciprocating but who RSVP.

It's fine. Not all kids as DS's nursery have parties but they are still invited.
I would say it has been noticed the other way round though. One parent in particular had a party for her DD but the DD never went to other parties - the first year all the parents didn't even know who the child was and very few went the second year.

Absolutely fine.
My dc would have been quite upset if someone had refused an invite simply because they weren't going to invite them back. They invited because they wanted them there, not for a return invite.
I never noticed anyway.

If you start refusing also your dd will drop off the radar for parents and invites will dry up too, so may not then get invites back.

The only time I'd make sure that you do reciprocate is if they have a tiny part (1-4) and invite your dd, then I think you can take it as your dd is a close friends and it would be nice to invite them.

On the flip side, don't be annoyed if someone doesn't invite her back though!

Play date = not fine to not reciprocate

Depends on the child!! Some are never again children - others are delightful - it's a choice same as any other

There are some parents that do this - they usually aren't the Nivea of people and there children have the same attitude

what's wrong with that? I don't care if you don't want to see my child because he's not friend with yours, but why should I spend money and have him as a guest?

I want to edit my last post.
Play date = not fine to keep on accepting platdates and not reciprocating unless there is obviously a good reason. It ok for a one off though.

My son has accepted invitations to parties but has not reciprocated as he is very shy and hates the thought of having a party himself. I didn't think twice about it. The invitations were freely given, no one was forced to invite him.

We are aware that as he gets older, he might stop getting invited if he doesn't invite people back, but that is fine as well.

If you are invited to number of 20-child parties, but when your "turn" comes around you only have a 5-child party, only an unreasonable person would be upset about you not "properly taking your turn".

DS's birthday is early in the school year at a busy time. I did a class party this year, partly because it means he can have a decent party's worth of turn out at a time when people are often booked up months in advance. This year there's been a switch to parties of closer friendship groups so a lot less invitations which is fine by me as 30 parties a year is a lot! As long as he's not feeling excluded from either a large gathering or close group. It would be a shame if people who could accept our invitation chose not to just because they have more modest plans ahead for their children's birthdays.

My DCs went to private nursery so most parents were working and children went in on a mixture of days. Between 2 DCs we had about 3 invitations from nursery. Pre-school big parties are less common than the first year or two of school.

Realised that astro as soon as I hit send so posted before I saw your post.

It's fine not to reciprocate especially for whole class parties, I don't expect Dd to be invited to the parties of the children she had to her party even though there were only 6 of them. I think most parents let their kids choose who they want at their party if they've got limited spaces. No one I know is keeping a tally of who invited who.

Well don't then Strike. It shows you in a far worse light and that attitude will rub off on your kids unfortunately.

As you can see from this thread, some parents will take offence if you don't reciprocate, and others won't care. You're only on the start of a very trying journey with school friendships/parent politics/play dates/parties etc. It's a learning curve and you will come to understand the mindsets of certain mums during your DCs school life. I'm glad mine are past the school bit now as it can be quite exhausting!

It's fine not to reciprocate for a party. You don't invite children to a party so that your child is guaranteed a spot at another kid's party.

Growing up, I was invited to parties but never had everyone to mine. Because we weren't well off enough to justify the cost, and because I was socially anxious with a small inner circle, so I only wanted those people there. It was fine. Never caused an issue.

It's fine. Not all children have parties so you can't always reciprocate.

Besides, the reciprocation always happens as you take a gift right?

You get the invite... Birthday child gets a gift. Balance restored

It's fine. It's not so fine with play dates. I work do find it difficult but I always invite other kids back during holidays when I'm off work etc.

ok GahBuggerit, so I am to invite the whole class but it's fine for others not to? How does that work then?

It's fine to attend knowing you can't reciprocate, honestly. Especially at nursery - it's not like primary school where someone may decide they've invited your child for seven years and you've never invited them, so they get the hump (they'd be wrong to get the hump anyway, not everyone can do parties).

Your child has been invited because their child wants them to come. They'll be disappointed if you say no. I've been in the same position as you due to finances, and later I've invited kids I know couldn't reciprocate. It should be about what the kids want at that age (any age!) not just fishing for a return invite.

It's based on budget and timing and family and activity

If you have a whole class party then that's what your child wants and how you spend your money -

You can not then expect every child to either have a whole class party or invite your child to every even

Life doesn't work that way

Don't keep score - it's lot a competition

It's fine not to reciprocate party invites. The birthday child receives a birthday present at their birthday party. That is the exchange.

Play dates are different.

The world is divided into two types of people. People who don't keep a tally chart of invitations and play dates and lifts and so on but invite and offer when their child wants to/it's convenient - and arseholes.

Those who've said it's not okay to go without reciprocating, surely when you go you are taking a present, which usually costs as much or more than the party for each child. It's not like adult dinner parties or play dates! Then again I've had kids round to play who couldn't invite my kids round to theirs for various reasons. I didn't seethe that they weren't invited back and ban them, that would be horrible. Or maybe I'm just too nice (v doubtful )

It's totally fine. Families of small children hold all sorts of parties and none. They've invited your DC because they'd like them to come.

If you do hold a medium to large party, then reciprocation comes into play - inviting DC whose party yours has been to - and that can get tricky, where you have limited numbers and feel obliged to invite a child reciprocally, who had a huge party, instead of one your child is better friends with.

With DC aged 4 I did all the invitations and said 'your friends are coming', fine. By 5, DC had strong views on which children we invited - based on whether they play together at school - not on whether the invitation was reciprocal.

Some families don't do parties, for various reasons. That's fine, there's really no shortage of parties to take your 5yo to (it can feel quite the opposite, when they feature every other weekend!).

True party guest reciprocation is - you accept the invitation, you take a gift.

There are some parents that do this - they usually aren't the Nivea (?nicest) of people and there children have the same attitude

Perhaps it's how things are worded.
If OP can't reciprocate because she can't afford it then no-one will take offence.
But if OP won't reciprocate because they've got other people higher up the pecking order that they prefer to invite "we have a huge family so tend to have a party at home with family and close friends" then that's different.

if you invite the whole class, it's rarely because your child wants the whole class but because you had to explain to him that it's rude and unkind to leave someone out when you invite a big group and you make an effort to being nice and the other child will make the same effort.

If the parents can't be arsed to invite your own child, then you don't have to bother anymore. It's not about money, but for those posters on here who think it's important, the little plastic tat given as a gift does not remotely cover the cost of being a guest at a party. And that's fine, but pretending it is the same is just silly.

My kids are busy enough, it's just funny to see post from parents outraged that their kids are left out when they haven't make the first effort.