Accepting kids party invitations but not reciprocating

[42andcounting]

DD(3) has recently started getting a lot of birthday party invitations from other children at nursery, mostly from children we don't know but she does IYSWIM. Some of them are quite expensive options like soft play parties. As it turns out, all but one so far have clashed with other things, so we have rsvp'd "no, but thank you very much for the invitation".

We are very unlikely to have this kind of 'extended friends' party when her birthday rolls around, partly due to cost and partly because we have a huge family so tend to have a party at home with family and close friends.

So, WIBU to accept invitations for her, knowing that we probably won't reciprocate? DD is sometimes a bit oblivious, on occasion doesn't even know who the party child is when I ask her, so probably wouldn't be that bothered if we declined, if that makes any difference.

Strike - you wrote:
"At least it's good to know we don't have to bother inviting the whole class and it's fine to stay away from the 2 or 3 trouble makers, even if the kids did go to their parties."

Which to me looks like you're saying why not invite a whole class minus 2 or 3. I think that's excluding those 2 or 3, when their parents may not have been able to afford to invite everyone else. Your kid wasn't in the 3 they could afford, but never mind, they didn't choose your kid, so they aren't coming to your party. No, you don't have to invite the whole class, but to me that says you have a small party with a handful of friends. Most kids don't get to go. A class party without 2 or 3, which is kind of how your post reads to me? A different thing entirely.

I don't think I reversed anything you said.

Some people will want big parties, some will want small. You can't be someone who does a big party and then get pissed off that others choose to do small, because naturally, not everyone can go to a small party. And not everyone can afford a big party. And if your child does a small party, if even 6 people do big parties over the year, then that will fill up your guest list, before you've even thought about the others who also did small parties. But equally if everyone refuses the invite to the big party because they can't invite the host child, and they end up with only 5 people, aren't they going to be upset?

I just don't get the angst. I really don't. Buy a gift. Go to the party, that you've been invited to because someone wants a party and wants you there. If you are friends, then chances are you will be invited to theirs. Not because they feel obliged, but because you are friends. If someone chooses to host a big party and have people that aren't really friends but just classmates, then surely it's because they want a big party, not because they want to go to 30 parties in return?

I like the wedding analogy. I invited people to my wedding that I wanted there, not because I was angling for an invitation to their wedding. How is this different?

I've been on the other side of this.
DD (age 8) invited a girl (A) to her party - she was allowed 3 friends. A few months later, A had a party. DD wasn't invited, she had a moment of disappointment. So we had a chat. I said that people can invite anyone they like to their party, that she had been to parties and not invited those children to her party. Not everyone can do anything and she knew how hard it had been to choose her 3 friends, A had probably had a really hard time too. And she agreed, and said she still wanted to be friends, and even if she hadn't gone to the A's party she had loved havign A at her party could A come to our house soon to play? And she got over it, and has had play dates both here and at A's house.

So it's not like my kids have always benefitted from the invites but never reciprocated. It doesn't change my view that you don't have to reciprocate every invitation you receive,

I've just proposed to dp. I don't actually want to get married but I've told him we've been to a few weddings that we apparently need to reciprocate so that seems a good enough reason. I've also said we both need to have birthday parties.

His response was "have you been on bloody mumsnet again"

Apsolutley fine , parties at that age tend to invite a lot of children and often the more the merrier for those type of soft play parties, the phase of these parties does not last too long. More problematic in the teenage years when three to five friends invited to do "somethings" but at that stage the teenagers take offence re reciprocation

Wilmott. Seriously. You're daughter is so popular that children would be sad if she didn't attend - okay.

That doesn't give you the right to be sneers about parents who host Class parties. What if YOUR child WANTED a big party?

babybythesea what a refreshingly sensible attitude!

That way no one can say your Dd attended a party, then had one of her own but invited only specific kids.

Do people really say things like this? Is this what some parents stand around talking about in the playground

It's really fine at that age. Nobody (who isn't petty) keeps a tally of who went to whose party and if someone wants to throw a whole class party that's their choice, doesn't mean everyone has to.

This! Who has the time, energy and pettiness to keep a tally of who has and hasn't come to the party and whether they're throwing one of their own to reciprocate?!
I've got two kids, and so had plenty of parties over the years and been invited to plenty too.
I honestly wouldn't have remembered or cared whether little Johnny had come to ours but then had had his own party and hadn't invited little Cheese.
That's bloody ridiculous and waaaay over-invested/over-thinking!

Wow, I never realised this was such a minefield.

I always assumed that parents who threw big parties for their kids did so because the child particularly loved parties and had asked for one, or because the parents thought it would be a fun experience for their child, perhaps being outgoing people themselves who love parties.

We haven't had any parties for our DD (6), partly because her birthday is 2 days after Christmas, partly because I get anxiety at the thought of having to entertain lots of children (and more so their parents). I'm very much an introvert and find being at big, noisy parties quite stressful as a guest, never mind as the hostess.

Of course I don't 'expect' her to be invited to other kids parties, in all honesty I sometimes begrudge the chunk that parties take out of precious family weekend time, but we have accepted invitations if DD wants to go.

I always thought that the only 'reciprocation' required was to bring a present, RSVP promptly and to be well behaved at the party.

That said, if we were to have a party for DD, we would prioritise invitations for children who had already invited her to their party, only seems fair.

IME it's maybe a perceived minefield, but not an actual one

It isn't a minefied, really. Who wants to be friends with the tally keepers anyway? They are the sort who get calculators out to do bistromathics at the end of an evening out .

They are the sort who get calculators out to do bistromathics at the end of an evening out

You must confuse them with the people who will not spend any money on a kids party because it's spoils them or because their time is too important to organise one or whatever lame excuse some posters felt the need to come up with.

It's funny how many parents say that they wouldn't invite my child if I hadn't invited their's but at school my child and their's are probably not even wasted a moment thinking about it once the party has happened.

I can't help but wonder if I've pissed off anyone by not inviting their child? (My kids always had more invited than we hosted) .

"Bistromathics"

Love it!

It's like the mythical MN spread sheet.... mwahhahahaha!!

No, Bertrand, they're the sort to take their turn, not make excuses why they shouldn't have to.

But flogging, that relies on your own child only getting as many invites as your willing to host. As several of us have pointed out on this thread, that isn't always the reality.

I would be really disappointed if children weren't allowed to come to my child's party, spoiling it for my child, just because the parents weren't intending to have a party/invite my child back.

Can't believe adults are so petty!

There is no obligation to reciprocate birthday invites for children as they all do such different things.

Never mind reciprocating I just wish the parents would bloody rsvp.

Never mind reciprocating I just wish the parents would bloody rsvp.
Yes. I agree

It's got nothing to do with "social cleansing" but just basic manners. If we take up an invite, we offer the same in return as it's good manners. Just as we would with adult friends who invite us.

Parties don't have to be expensive or time consuming, cake and jelly after school or a picnic in the park costs very little or takes much effort.

rainbows. with all due respect, it just isn't that simple for all of us.

Rainbows, doesn't that mean that every party will have exactly the same children at it for ever and ever?

But Rainbow it's not true that adults always reciprocate.

If your best mate has a massive 40th birthday party and you choose to go on holiday with your DH for your 40th there's no bad feeling or upset.

No one would ever say that you should have a 40th party just because you went to theirs. It would be ridiculous.

Yes, totally agree that not replying one way or another to a party invite is far ruder and a bigger problem to the party organiser than reciprocal invitations.