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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Accepting kids party invitations but not reciprocating

261 replies

42andcounting · 20/05/2017 08:44

DD(3) has recently started getting a lot of birthday party invitations from other children at nursery, mostly from children we don't know but she does IYSWIM. Some of them are quite expensive options like soft play parties. As it turns out, all but one so far have clashed with other things, so we have rsvp'd "no, but thank you very much for the invitation".

We are very unlikely to have this kind of 'extended friends' party when her birthday rolls around, partly due to cost and partly because we have a huge family so tend to have a party at home with family and close friends.

So, WIBU to accept invitations for her, knowing that we probably won't reciprocate? DD is sometimes a bit oblivious, on occasion doesn't even know who the party child is when I ask her, so probably wouldn't be that bothered if we declined, if that makes any difference.

OP posts:
GahBuggerit · 20/05/2017 15:07

Sadly on weekends I have to get shit done that I couldn't do in the week, oh and take my turn in caring for an elderly relative, as well as squeezing time in to see my own family, and the dc who I only grab an hour with after I get home from work, maybe i get an hour to sit down and have a cup of tea in peace. Again, all of the parents I know appreciate this and don't expect me to run rings around myself to accommodate a 2 hour playdate aswell.

The playdates are for the kids so to them it doesn't matter if it's always at their house. I suppose it would matter if they saw it as free childcare though.

BertrandRussell · 20/05/2017 15:10

"Our rule is they invite anybody back whose hospitality they have taken up previously. It's polite and good manners."

So what about people who can't reciprocate? There are plenty who can't for loads of reasons. What happens to them?

strikhedonia · 20/05/2017 15:11

because no one else is busy on weekends GahBuggerit, just you, the rest of us are parents of leisure. Hmm

Floggingmolly · 20/05/2017 15:11

It's not fine to not reciprocate, actually. Confused
On one occasion, maybe. But accepting every invitation that comes your way in the full knowledge that you are never going to extend a reciprocal invitation is astonishingly bad form.
You'll end up on everyone's blacklist. And rightly so.

SecretNetter · 20/05/2017 15:12

Mine have been to lots of parties of classmates over the years and not always invited that child to their party.

It's impossible to do the 'always reciprocate' thing as they get older IME.

Ds2 is 7 and this year has moved to an 'invite 8 to a £XXX per head' type party. However many of his class have still had a 30 strong whole class party in soft play/roller skating etc and ds has still attended when invited.

I don't want to dictate to ds2 that he must have a certain type of party just so that he can invite all the kids that have invited him in the past.

My dc are far from spoiled but the one thing they get is to decide every year whatever type of party/event they want for their birthday and we then tell them how many friends they can invite based on cost. So a hire-a-room type party, fill your boots and invite 40 kids you know. A £15 per head trampolining party is a limit of 8 invitees. Last year ds1 desperately wanted to go to a theme park and got to invite 3.

Floggingmolly · 20/05/2017 15:13

Who are these people who can't reciprocate, Bertrand?
As opposed to simply don't want to as something else suits them better? Op hasn't said she can't, just that it wouldn't suit her.

GahBuggerit · 20/05/2017 15:14

Strike no, I wouldn't generalise like that and I don't believe that's what I said either, it was actually in response to another poster who said working parents have weekends free.

GahBuggerit · 20/05/2017 15:16

I can't reciprocate Flogging because I don't do parties. Have done one when my MIL offered to pay for it

SecretNetter · 20/05/2017 15:17

Oh and we've also invited several dc, several times and not had a reciprocated invite which doesn't bother me.

There are 2 boys who ds1 invites to his party every time but one of them doesn't have parties and goes on holiday every year. The other always does a super expensive day trip party for a couple and ds hasn't quite made the cut as he's good friends but not best friends with the boy...ds1 isn't bothered and doesn't want his friend at his party any less. And y'know, I'm a grown up so I can deal with that too without blacklisting the kid Grin

GaelicSiog · 20/05/2017 15:17

flogging I can't reciprocate. Not for the number of invites DD gets, and I feel it's worse for another child to have hardly any party guests than to not be invited back.

GahBuggerit · 20/05/2017 15:17

And actual lol at a party blacklist. For kids. Little kids who have no control over their parent situations.

Mind = boggled.

ScarlettFreestone · 20/05/2017 15:17

When my twins were small we could never invite the entire class because they were in different classes and quite frankly 60 kids is just too many.

I think the biggest party we had ended up as nearly 50 kids and that was seriously exhausting.

As far as I'm concerned the rules are these:

Whole class parties when they are little, you don't have to worry about reciprocating. Not everyone has a party and no one keeps note.

As they get older and parties drop to "four friends at the cinema" then reciprocation is expected but these things tend to go in friendship groups so it's easy to keep track of.

Our rule, regardless of age, is that if you actively dislike someone you politely decline their invitation. "so sorry we can't make it, have a super party!".

Play dates are a bit more complicated. I could never host as many after school play dates as my DC were invited to due to working full time but all the hosts understood that. On the other hand we host more sleep overs than anyone else to make up for it.

Play dates don't have to be reciprocated (IMO) if your child had a miserable time.

Floggingmolly · 20/05/2017 15:18

You don't do parties? Is it a cost thing?

Floggingmolly · 20/05/2017 15:19

You don't have to invite the whole class! Just don't be the one to send your child to everyone else's parties and never have one yourself.

GahBuggerit · 20/05/2017 15:20

Yes it's a cost thing.

GaelicSiog · 20/05/2017 15:20

We have parties, flogging, but DD gets more invites than I am prepared to have round ours.

BertrandRussell · 20/05/2017 15:20

People with caring responsibilities.
People who work shifts
Some people who have dogs.
People with mental health issues
People with unsuitable houses
Some people with other children who have additional needs
A lot other reasons I can't be bothered to list.

But why does it matter? Even if it is because the parent is flaky, that's not the child's fault............

thepatchworkcat · 20/05/2017 15:21

GahBuggerit totally with you on this, I find it really sad and alarming that people think this way. I can think of a billion reasons why a child might never have a birthday party, I would still invite them to ours if my child wanted to and I would not be keeping any kind of blacklist!

Floggingmolly · 20/05/2017 15:21

Well your situation is not what I was talking about, Gaelic
I thought I was quite clear?

thepatchworkcat · 20/05/2017 15:22

But FloggingMolly so you'd not let your children go to a party they've been invited too then, if you're not inviting back?

GahBuggerit · 20/05/2017 15:22

Are you saying parents should not accept invites because they can't or won't, for whatever reason, have a party for their own child?

Jesus that's really sad. It's not the little child's fault.

CrazedZombie · 20/05/2017 15:22

We regularly invite ds' friend to ours and am happy not to expect a reciprocal invite as she has twin babies. This mum is really fab and did the same for me when I was super depressed about ex leaving me for ow.

He has another friend whose mum will only offer play dates at half term because she works term time. She tends to have ds the whole day rather than after school like I do. This arrangement works well for both of us.

I'm imagining some people having spreadsheets of who has and hasn't invited/attended parties.

GaelicSiog · 20/05/2017 15:24

I got the impression that we shouldn't accept from anyone we can't invite back, flogging. although DD hasn't had a party every year, no. Usually because my health is shitty so we stick with family and maybe DM takes DD and a friend out somewhere. One friend. I wouldn't expect her to host a party.

PlayOnWurtz · 20/05/2017 15:24

We have had the opposite issue. Invited to several parties but none of the kids showed at dc's party. Im picturing Cheapskate parents not wanting to buy presents.

ScarlettFreestone · 20/05/2017 15:25

Flogging I have quite happily invited some kids to our parties for years who have never been able to reciprocate a party or play date invitation because of their family or financial situation.

I would be appalled if they declined on that basis. I don't invite to get an invitation back.

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