Accepting kids party invitations but not reciprocating

[42andcounting]

DD(3) has recently started getting a lot of birthday party invitations from other children at nursery, mostly from children we don't know but she does IYSWIM. Some of them are quite expensive options like soft play parties. As it turns out, all but one so far have clashed with other things, so we have rsvp'd "no, but thank you very much for the invitation".

We are very unlikely to have this kind of 'extended friends' party when her birthday rolls around, partly due to cost and partly because we have a huge family so tend to have a party at home with family and close friends.

So, WIBU to accept invitations for her, knowing that we probably won't reciprocate? DD is sometimes a bit oblivious, on occasion doesn't even know who the party child is when I ask her, so probably wouldn't be that bothered if we declined, if that makes any difference.

Definitely accept if you can regardless of whether you can return the invitation. I work full time and have not forged relationships with other parents really, nor arranged any play dates for my DD and so I was always really grateful that all her class accepted invitations to her party and a big fun crowd turned up. There was no expectation for a reciprocation on my part, although I always tried my best to accept and take her to parties if there was one.

A little bit off topic here...but still connected and may help (or not!!). But why do parents feel the need to throw 'whole class' parties anyway? I'm a mum AND a teacher (25 years experience, all year groups!) ..so can speak with experience from both sides here. In a class of 30 or more children, I absolutely promise you, your little sweetheart will only really be real friends with a handful (if that!). In reception (or nursery) some of the children won't even know the names of everyone. Further up the school they won't give two hoots about the two-thirds of the class that they really don't care that much about. So just...why?? As I'm tasked to give out these whole class invites on a regular basis, it intrigues me as to who it's all really about! Because the birthday boy or girl never seems that fussed to be honest. They just talk about the cake and presents...which seems a bit sad really.

I did whole class parties when my DC were younger. I found it was easier. No stressing about who to invite. Also, because I like big parties. We'd hire out the village hall at the weekend, hire some entertainment and wahey, instant village event, like a fete day specially for the kids! I also did a small family only birthday tea on their actual birthday.

I did a whole class party in reception because I think it's very hard to find out who their actual friends are then! Her y1 party soon which is about 2/3 of the girls that's it. My oldest had (shared) whole class party in reception and again smaller parties y1 up.

Those who think it's rude NOT to reciprocate, would you prefer parents did not send their child to your child's party if they know they won't be reciprocating?

On another note, I'm loving the thought of a 'blacklist' that some of you have. Sounds gloriously batshit to me.

The amount of people say .....if you don't reciprocate the invitations will drop off...... like it's a bad thing is making me cackle ! By the time you have had 2 through reception y1 and 2 you will be very grateful that invitations drop off and your weekends can be used for something other than endless parties! TBH this is usually because most people move to smaller parties and sleepovers.
I agree with so many other - some do class parties so do a few friends - it's not about point scoring or rally keeping but what works for you that year. The only no no is doing a most of the class party or most of the girls / boys because that is leaving people out.
Personally I would avoid doing class parties until school when at least their friendships might be slightly longer lasting!

DS is in Yr 3 and up till now I have done whole class parties as i know how upset DS gets when he is no invited to a party that everyone in his class is talking about. (he has some SEN and is generally a bit socially excluded).

So,we have (since Reception)hired a hall and bouncy castle, or just been at the local park with party food.

He has been invited to 3 parties in total so far since September, and I confess that there is one family who come to everything (and bring siblings, so 3 kids...) who have a party every year for their DS and my DS has never, not even once been invited. I am actually starting to feel a bit pissed off about that tbh.

Party- it's fine
Play dates- I understand different people have different circumstances, my DD wants friends round to play. I am lucky I have a big garden and space. Unlucky, in that I don't have much family around, and have felt a bit isolated due to circumstances. I want to share my garden, and enjoy the company of others. I'd be gutted if someone didn't come because they couldn't reciprocate, if you find it hard to accept without reciprocity, bring biccies if you need to.

Exactly Fairysnuff. Exactly

Hi, OP here. Bit overwhelmed by the response to this, there's clearly a wide range of feeling out there!

My very sincerest thanks to everyone who replied, it's been very enlightening to read through all of the discussion. This is why I love mumsnet

I know I've already posted on this thread, and said I'm a bit of a fence-sitter about this - but where I absolutely wouldn't invite that particular child to my house, I feel uncomfortable about accepting their hospitality, well this has so far only applied to 2 people, and in both cases, the children involved were not particularly nice to my DS either.
So I didn't feel like he was missing out on anything (bar a potential bruise or 2) by not going to their parties - and he doesn't like them much either. If I thought that he'd have a great time, and maybe meet new people, then great - I'd have taken him along!
But, especially in one child's case, he really doesn't get on with him and would prefer not to see him outside of playgroup. (TBH he'd prefer not to see him AT playgroup either, but we can't control that unless we stop going, which would be a shame for DS as he otherwise enjoys it).

So sometimes there's more to it than just "inability /unwillingness to reciprocate"