Accepting kids party invitations but not reciprocating

[42andcounting]

DD(3) has recently started getting a lot of birthday party invitations from other children at nursery, mostly from children we don't know but she does IYSWIM. Some of them are quite expensive options like soft play parties. As it turns out, all but one so far have clashed with other things, so we have rsvp'd "no, but thank you very much for the invitation".

We are very unlikely to have this kind of 'extended friends' party when her birthday rolls around, partly due to cost and partly because we have a huge family so tend to have a party at home with family and close friends.

So, WIBU to accept invitations for her, knowing that we probably won't reciprocate? DD is sometimes a bit oblivious, on occasion doesn't even know who the party child is when I ask her, so probably wouldn't be that bothered if we declined, if that makes any difference.

I dont think it is fine to not reciprocate. It would not occur to me not to. Yabu in my opinion

Of course you should accept. If the invitation came from my house it would be because my child wanted your child to come and celebrate their birthday with them. They would be disapointed if the reply was no. Whether or not there is a return invitation is irrelevant to us.
I know it's not the general opinion on here but it would be the same for a play date, if you are invited it is simply because dc like you and want to have you around to play.

But lndn is it better to leave other kids with hardly anyone at their party? I cannot invite everyone.

After years and years (DS1 is now 14) of only inviting my boys' friends to their respective parties, they are still all getting invitations.
I must live in a nice place with nice normal people who don't perceive slights were none is intended

I totally get that you might not do an expensive soft play party, but would you not consider inviting some of your DD's nursery friends to the birthday party you are having for her at home? As InvisibleKitten said, you're moving to the stage where they'd rather have friends there than a family gathering.

I think people are forgetting this is nursery. When my DS was in nursery I asked for a list of the children he played with a lot. I got about 8 names.

He moved to primary school and had 20 children from over two classed so from about 60 children.

He wasn't invited to a good friends party ( still a bit baffling to me to this day ) but DS still invited friend next year. Friend has moved schools, they are still friends and my DS was at his friends birthday party a couple of months ago.To add the only other child invited from school was a child who has never had a party.

OP don't worry.. You child will not be ostracized. Most kids will not even remember who came and who didn't the next year it will be who will they play with.

Strik. It's rather rude to call people's gifts tat. People give a variety of gifts, book sets, vouchers, nice felt tips with colouring book and so on. I find close friends give well thought out more expensive items, while random classmates tend (who my kids are not close to) tend to give a gift that's more of a gesture of thanks. And that's fine, we don't throw parties to receive gifts or a return invites

I would hate it if someone turned down a party invitation because they were worried about not reciprocating and were not planning to have a party e.g. due to cost or their child wanted a small party. I will have invited the child as my child wanted them there or I didn't want to exclude anyone.

I would expect some sort of reciprocation with repeated playdates and would probably stop inviting the child after a while if it was very one-sided. I think this would be because I would assume the child didn't really like mine. But it may be that I would feel taken for granted . I do raise my eyebrows on here when people say they "can't be arsed" or "have better things to do" and then complain their child is not invited to things.

At least it's good to know we don't have to bother inviting the whole class and it's fine to stay away from the 2 or 3 trouble makers, even if the kids did go to their parties.

My dds are 13 and 11 now. Sometimes we had a big whole class party, but mostly we didn't. Nobody was keeping score and there were never hard feelings if things weren't strictly tit-for-tat. So don't sweat it .

I'm of the opinion people only have these enormous parties so that their own child is completely spoilt and indulged with presents anyway!

So I'm sure they won't be bothered in the slightest if you don't invite them back as they won't have to spend a tenner.

(cynical but true!)

If you aren't having a party it's fine not to reciprocate.

Surely you just invite a child's friends. Not randoms

I must say I am very heartened to see, on this thread anyway, that it's only a very tiny minority who would actually not invite my dc to a party or play date because I can't afford to have one every year or am not willing to use one of my holidays to book a day off to host a playdate.

Although, and I don't know why because they wouldn't be the sort of people I'd personally willingly spend time with, I am a bit saddened that there are one or two that would theoretically leave my dc as the only one not invited. Seems unbelievably cruel to leave a kid out but whatever. Like I say I would be secretly pleased I could cross them off my mental 'nice person who I'd do a favour for' list but would be a shame for my dc, that there are adults who think like this. But I guess as kids their parents were like that so it's learned behaviour

I honestly don't think i know anyone irl who actually thinks like this though. Like i say the one time I said no to a playdate because I couldn't reciprocate the mum was actually a little offended that I thought I would need to.

Guess most people just do nice things for other people's kids without needing it to be returned. And there is a tiny minority who do it with conditions attached.

OP, i did boy intend to offend you. I certainly would not leave your dc out. I never said that. What I meant was that I have never not invited a child if my child has been to their party as to me, that would not sit right with me. However, i actually discussed this with dh today as he was pretty annoyed at ds last party as it was nearly 40 kids there. He said it was ridiculous and he is right. It is just a moral dilemma to me as I would feel rude to not invite someone who has invited my dc.
Im pretty new to the party/playdate thing so still finding my feet. Again, im sorry if i offended or upset you.

Strike - I think there is a massive difference between inviting everyone in the class with the exception of 2 or 3 kids. Because it makes them feel left out when everyone else is included.
But if you choose to have a small party with only 4 or 5 guests, then as most of the class aren't going, you aren't excluding a couple of children in the same way.
None of this has anything at all to do with whether any of the kids in either scenario invited your child to anything. if you leave out 2 kids from a class of 30 because they didn't invite your kid to anything, possibly because they didn't even have a party themselves, then you are a deeply unpleasant person.

I'm not the op lndmummy.

I'm just another parent who cant have any parties because £200-300 is an absolute fortune to me and id hate to think my dc would miss out because I don't have them.

And tbf your first post didn't have much information in apart from it not being fine not to reciprocate, suggesting (in the context of the op) that likes of me should either have a party just to be able to reciprocate or not bother going. Your last post has a lot more explanation in which I do agree with for the most part.

Playdate and parties are far more stressful than they need to be.

lucked it isn't just 1 child we missed out there were 15 girls out of 32 in a year invited.

astro55 they obviously aren't good friends if she doesn't invite my dd to her parties. It was the expectation she would be invited which annoyed my dd. This after she made a massive deal of handing her party invites out and handed an invite in front of my dd to another of their friends.

why do you reverse what i am writing babybythesea.

If my kids have been invited to a party, I do make them invite the child back at their own thing because that's the polite thing to do and they need to learn that you reciprocate and don't expect everything from nothing.

I also think that if children are not close and my kids don't get invited to a party, then I needn't bothering inviting them either and spend money on them. Parties are expensive, there's no reason why everything should be one-sided.

So strike is your only beef with the parents who have smaller parties rather than those who don't have them at all?

Our rule is they invite anybody back whose hospitality they have taken up previously. It's polite and good manners.

You work out who never reciprocates and make the assumption they don't like you or your child. Even working parents have weekends. That's when most reciprocate.

We tended to drop children who didn't reciprocate for parties because they clearly didn't like DD enough to invite her. That's ok as you just sort out who real friends are and people who do like you. As they get older in primary it is easier to have 5 or 6 and do an outing or go for a meal rather than have a huge party. Come secondary mine were very busy at parties and,as we have virtually no family, that was great.

I guess it's an effective social cleansing exercise, can't invite the kids of struggling parents who can only manage to do things on a smaller scale can we? What if your kid and their kid became, friends?

I invite kids to parties and play dates with the sole intention of making my kid happy to be honest. I don't keep any track of who has or hasn't reciprocated and my only criteria is who does my child want to invite.

I was first to reply and am shocked that some think you have to reciprocate.

1. I invite people no strings attached. They normally bring a gift and sing happy Birthday which is great.

1. Some people invite the whole class. Nobody is friends with the whole class. I'm not saying that my children dislike anyone but they have received invitations to people that they are indifferent to. They've gone with a gift, wished the child a happy birthday and had a good time.

1. Some children prefer a more intimate gathering doing an activity that costs more per head than a whole class do. That is Birthday child and their parents' choice. Obviously don't invite 14 people in a class of 15 people but absolutely fine to invite 10 out of 30. My kids all prefer parties like this. They want to see all their friends rather than have bums on seats.

1. Not all kids have birthdays. It may be personal preference or money reasons. For example ds' friend went on an overnight stay at Legoland rather than have a party. Most people don't invite people with strings attached so would happily invite people regardless of party invite to theirs.