Accepting kids party invitations but not reciprocating

[42andcounting]

DD(3) has recently started getting a lot of birthday party invitations from other children at nursery, mostly from children we don't know but she does IYSWIM. Some of them are quite expensive options like soft play parties. As it turns out, all but one so far have clashed with other things, so we have rsvp'd "no, but thank you very much for the invitation".

We are very unlikely to have this kind of 'extended friends' party when her birthday rolls around, partly due to cost and partly because we have a huge family so tend to have a party at home with family and close friends.

So, WIBU to accept invitations for her, knowing that we probably won't reciprocate? DD is sometimes a bit oblivious, on occasion doesn't even know who the party child is when I ask her, so probably wouldn't be that bothered if we declined, if that makes any difference.

This thread is hilarious. It's fine not to reciprocate when they're 3. When they're older it becomes much more political but even then people can do what they want. Over the year my dc have had parties where they've invited the whole class/all the girls in the class and plenty of non reciprocations i imagine because the boys had all-boy parties, someone wanted a small party, someone didn't like dd enough to invite her back ... unless it is a really close friend I have never given it a though.

There's no need to reciprocite imho because you usually bring a prezzie to the party and that is your part of the deal, the "payment" so to speak. Afterwards the slate is thus wiped clean.

I would hate to think that families who for whatever reason didn't have a party felt they couldn't come to my child's party.
I do parties for my children for them to enjoy, the friends they invite are people they want to spend time with, whether that person has had a party or not doesn't feature.

I just think in life it's not always possible to reciprocate everything exactly down to the last penny or party or whatever. As an adult, if someone invites me to celebrate their birthday in some way, I'll attend because it's nice of them to invite me and they must want me there. But I'm an introvert and don't like organising a big thing for my own birthday. Does that mean I should never accept any invitations?!? That doesn't work. I think the same principle works with children. It's nice to reciprocate if possible but not everyone can.

"We are very unlikely to have this kind of 'extended friends' party when her birthday rolls around, partly due to cost and partly because we have a huge family so tend to have a party at home with family and close friends."

You will find that when your DD is older that she would rather have school friends at a party rather than family.

At nursery it won't matter whether you reciprocate or not, but as children get older it tends to get noticed more.

I teach my kids that if they have been to someone's party, then it's normal to invite them back to their own party. It sounds really ungrateful and unpleasant to go and then ignore them. It was nice thing to receive the invitation, they were happy to go and have a good time, so you do the same thing in return.
I cannot picture telling them, oh you had a great time, but it's fine to leave them out now.

I really cannot see how that's not rude and an acceptable way to raise them.

Some people will take things personally and hold a grudge against you until the end of time for not reciprocating. Don't worry about these people - just ignore them.

I think there are two arguments goingnon which is muddyingnthe waters.

I don't think it's ok to only invite part of the class at this age, but that being said i would assume it's due to cost. I wouldn't be a knob though and continue the cycle by leaving out the ones who aren't on my spreadsheet of previous invites, because I'm not a knob.

Others are talking about accepting invites and never reciprocating because they won't have a party with any of the class invited. Where do you stand on that strike?

Although I think I know all I need to know with the plastic tat comment. Nice. Maybe you should just ask for money next time.

Gosh, what happened to throwing a party because you want to celebrate something? Because you want to invite your friends to celebrate with you?

All this venal bean-counting is hideous.

My grandmother was like that. She was a lonely old woman.

IMO if you accept a party invitation on behalf of your child your only responsibility is to rsvp promptly and bring a present.

I blame the bridezilla and similar grabbyness when it comes to birthdays etc for this latest "you didn't invite me so I won't invite you, so nerr" attitude from parents. Instilling in their children already that you only do something to get something in return.

I loathe myself for saying this but it really wasn't like that when I was younger. People were so much nicer and less self involved.

It's fine not to reciprocate, for all the reasons given already.

I used to do whole class parties and it would have been a nightmare to be invited back to all those children's parties simply because they felt they had to reciprocate.
Also, my mind boggles at even caring enough to try and keep track of who's been invited where and when.

One of my DS's friends has never had a party - ever -

By your thought process he should never be invited

Another can't have sleepovers at his house - should he not be invited to mine?

It's not personal it's circumstances

I have always had class parties and invited everyone. In my experience, there is always a couple that can't/get sick etc. It's only for a few years. At nursery, I doubt if your child would even notice if there was a party or not so it's not a big deal.

At school when parties become a form of 'currency' for the CHILDREN not the parents, it's harder. Every week there is a thread about children being left out, the only one not invited in their group, what about the post hotdog gate, it may have been a fake but it sparked a zillion replies when people thought it was true.

Yesterday my friend rang in tears saying she and her 5 year had to walk behind a group of kids from his class all wearing party hats and holding balloons on their way to a party that he wasn't invited to. Her son was inconsolable. She said, the boy had not only come to their party but the mother had rung to ask if she could bring the younger one too as there was no one to have him. Now that is bloody cheeky.

Through primary age one of mine had a friend who virtually lived at ours, and another of mine used to have a friend who's mum always ended up doing the hosting, and another had a few friends who came and went pretty equally. No.one.cared. It worked out fine for all of us.

As for reciprocating class parties?
Well, reciprocating with 29/30 different one on one play dates one per week would take all school year and secondly it's very unlikely that your DC will be friendly enough with them all to want that anyway.

Secondly - some people just don't want to host class parties (for what ever reason) and some do. If you like doing big do's then enjoy them and let your DCs enjoy them without this 'where's our reciprocation?' expectation. Just sets everyone up for angst.

Children are often left out for a reason

Cost or space

But some kids are left out because they aren't nice kids or the party kids sees it as currency and the child uses this to their advantage

One boy in DS class isn't very nice and we would never invite him as DS has better friends - but this child doesn't have many friends and DS will play with him sometimes so he gets invited - I feel sorry for him because not many kids turn up for his parties - should we not go? That would mean he neither gets invited or has his own parties??

KC225 and - about your friend and her son - this is why parents should either do whole class parties cheerfully or steer clear of them altogether and just have one or two friends from class max while they're young. Having most of the class is really off.

"All this venal bean-counting is hideous"

My new favourite sentence. May I have it,please?

I think it's rude not to reciprocate in some way. Maybe a play date?

You do realise that not everyone has life circumstances that make this possible? Living with parents, shift workers, people with caring responsibilities, single working parents, people living in hostels, people who have controlling partners, those who are embarrassed in some way by their living circumstances....

Or do you keep your children away from people who aren't the same as you?

I think at parties for little ones mums do like we did and invite loads as you know people wont' come.

Also when you invite everyone it means you don't get mean looks, for cherry picking... To be honest I booked a party for 15 and invited 30 when DD was 4, I didn't bother who did and didn't reply, it was at a play area and it meant mums who had more than one child could pay for their extra's to come as well... or just drop the invited child and go shopping for a couple of hours.

We had loads of boys accept and I would never have expected a play day invite as a thanks from them... Oh and we didn't expect an invite back to party of child, infact I couldn't have even told you when the kids had a party..

It's fine not to reciprocate, we don't have parties (too many children) but will buy a nice present if invited to yours. And what's more you never have to buy my kid a present, what's not to like?
How do people have room in their lives to keep track of (and feel slighted about) this crap.

In my opinion, if someone invites your dc to a party and you accept, the social contract is completed by attending punctually, dressed appropriately, behaving well and bringing a gift. There should be no expectation of a return invite. Otherwise a child born in July would have next to no choice of who to invite as all the spaces would be taken up returning invites whilst a September born dc gets to invite who they want? How long do you have to carry on returning invites? Are they beholden to invite your dc again next year if you invite them this year in return for their invite this year? It quickly turns into a ridiculous farce. Just invite your dc's friends who they actually want to attend. Job done.

I'm really surprised at the amount of people sayings it's not fine to reciprocate when your child has been invited to an all class party. My DD is in reception and there have been about 15 all class parties so far and we have attened about half of them. I didn't do a party for DD as her birthday is just before Christmas (I also have another DD with a birthday at the end of November) and quite frankly I have got better things to spend my money on than an all class party with half the kids she's not even bothered about.

My other point is I always spend £10 minimum on a birthday gift for party child. So surely this is how I have shown and reciprocated our gratitude for the invitation?

I think it's rude personally to accept invites knowing your own child won't be inviting them back in return. People notice and invites will drop off.

I have 4 DC and over the years I have totally lost count whose parties they have been invited to and whose they haven't.

I invite their friends.
I don't keep a tally from year to year who has invited them and who we have invited.

I don't get how nursery/school parties for v young children turn in to social stresses on the parents, genuinely, I don't

I helps that I have a small but close circle of friends and don't really rely on every parent I vaguely recognise from the school run being my friend or me theirs. And if they talk about me? Well, I cannot control their behaviour