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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Accepting kids party invitations but not reciprocating

261 replies

42andcounting · 20/05/2017 08:44

DD(3) has recently started getting a lot of birthday party invitations from other children at nursery, mostly from children we don't know but she does IYSWIM. Some of them are quite expensive options like soft play parties. As it turns out, all but one so far have clashed with other things, so we have rsvp'd "no, but thank you very much for the invitation".

We are very unlikely to have this kind of 'extended friends' party when her birthday rolls around, partly due to cost and partly because we have a huge family so tend to have a party at home with family and close friends.

So, WIBU to accept invitations for her, knowing that we probably won't reciprocate? DD is sometimes a bit oblivious, on occasion doesn't even know who the party child is when I ask her, so probably wouldn't be that bothered if we declined, if that makes any difference.

OP posts:

dementedpixie · 20/05/2017 10:38

I think it's rude personally to accept invites knowing your own child won't be inviting them back in return. People notice and invites will drop off

Those people are very petty then! I don't expect an invitation back if I've invited a child to a party

Astro55 · 20/05/2017 10:45

People notice and invites will drop off

Some people notice - some car esome dont -

If you are keeping score and don't invite a child even though they are good friends - just because there wasn't a return invite - you are petty and mean

thepatchworkcat · 20/05/2017 10:49

So RainbowsAndUnicorn genuine question, if you knew that one year you wouldn't be having a big party eg because of cost, convenience, timing, because your child wanted to do something more expensive with a couple of best friends - then would you spend that year declining invitations from other children? Because that seems a shame for your child and for the other kids that would like your child to be there...

ClarkWGriswold · 20/05/2017 10:58

thepatchworkcat this exactly! My mum once told me that as a child her mother would never accept party invitations for her because they couldn't afford for her to have her own party. For a child that is pretty crushing and can have a detrimental effect on their social lives.

Falconhoof1 · 20/05/2017 10:59

I always have a small party for my DS but he rarely gets asked to others- they just don't seem to have many parties round here. I don't bother though- it's what my DS wants so I'm happy to have his friends for a part with no return invitations.

thepatchworkcat · 20/05/2017 11:01

Exactly - so the child whose parents can't afford to do a big (or indeed any) party should never get to go to anyone else's? I think that's really sad. I'd be appalled if a child couldn't come to my son's party, because their parents weren't going to be reciprocating and therefore decided not to accept our invitation! If we invite your child then its because we want them to come, nothing more! Glad to see from the thread that lots of people do see it the same way as me.

ThouShallNotPass · 20/05/2017 11:17

Our kids birthdays are right around Christmas. Hell, the way I see it, its only polite that I DON'T have birthday parties for my kids . Most folk would cringe at having to take time out at such a busy time of year, as well as finding a tenner for another present they can't really afford.

I do sleepovers and such instead through the year. Play dates more than make up for not reciprocating with parties.

Don't worry about it.

Ahmezia · 20/05/2017 11:23

I always struggled to remember whose parties my DC had been invited to & it certainly had no bearing on who was invited to their parties. However children get older do start to notice who never comes to parties and will naturally stop inviting them because 'they never come anyway'.

My then to be 7 year old said this about one of his classmates despite this classmate being a particular friend. As he was a particular friend and it was a whole class party I sent the invite anyway. He came but it turned out his mother 'didn't do parties' as they had 'more interesting things to do at weekends'. Plus he was the 3rd & youngest child so she'd 'done the party thing' with her other two and 'couldn't cope with another few years of parties' so she wasn't bothering for him.However on this occasion her son had begged to be allowed to come so she'd agreed.

Thing was her youngest really struggled socially not helped by the fact his elder sister had been in the year above him in kindergarten so he'd just tagged along with her and her friends at playtime and not made any effort with his classmates in reception & year 1. Once his sister went to Junior school and they stopped sharing breaks he'd been left friendless in year 2 and I think the situation was exacerbated by the fact he didn't go to parties so once they stopped doing whole class ones he stopped being invited all together. His only friend through the whole of Junior and most of senior was my DS which was a shame really.

Something to think about ......

working925 · 20/05/2017 12:05

Only fine if you're not having anyone from nursery at all so only a family party - otherwise it's rude

PacificDogwod · 20/05/2017 12:12

Surely, you 'reciprocate' to a party invitation by giving the invitee a gift?

I don't get this 'inviting whole school classes' thing either - invite you kids' friends. Done.

BertrandRussell · 20/05/2017 12:16

Where do people buy the special charts you need to keep tabs on this sort of stuff? Little car stickers to show how many lifts you've given, a cake sticker for parties, a ball for play dates.........A separate column for the value of presents given and received. And a symbolic bin liner to drop the names of people who don't keep up-never to be invited again.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 20/05/2017 12:16

It's ok at this age, however from reception age you need to stop thinking about your child's birthday party as your family event and start thinking about it as their social event, so invite their actual friends, rather than treat it as a family get together opportunity.

Also worth keeping a note of which children have a birthday close to your dcs birthday if they'll all be going to the same school, a joint whole class party is a much cheaper way to do it, without having to leave anyone out.

Graceflorrick · 20/05/2017 12:17

OP sadly your DD will stop receiving invitations.

SuperBeagle · 20/05/2017 12:18

Grace Keep your bullshit to yourself

Madasahattersteaparty123 · 20/05/2017 12:24

For my eldest dd from 3 - 7 we did big parties but Year on year we invited 1 friend who didn't invite her back when she had a party. I always made dd be discrete handing invites out but this girl made a huge deal of very loudly saying to a a child in the playground whilst handing over an invite that it was an invite to her party.

This year I put my foot down and said she obviously didn't think of my dd as such a good friend and didn't invite her. Dds 'friend' was most vocal about not being invited but DD apparently just shrugged her shoulders and said well you don't invite me to yours so don't see why you expect to come to mine.

Lucked · 20/05/2017 12:26

Absolutely fine. You give a gift!

If someone stops specifically inviting your child then they are probably not worth knowing.

Lucked · 20/05/2017 12:30

madasahat the OP is having a family party, I don't begrudge anyone that nor a small party of half a dozen or so friends. If you invite a whole class and exclude one child that is unkind.

GaelicSiog · 20/05/2017 12:30

I hate these threads. My DD seems to get invited to everyone's party in her class, then her and her gym and Irish dancing groups are close knit, plus Sunday school, ridiculous number of cousins etc. I can't afford a party on that scale. If she gets an invite and can and wants to go, I send her. I figure a) people wouldn't invite her if they didn't want her there b) people don't invite just for an invite back and c) I was once that kid whose party no one came to and it's crap. I assumed this was what everyone did until I joined MN

Astro55 · 20/05/2017 12:31

we invited 1 friend who didn't invite her back

Why would you notice? Why if she's was good enough to invite did you feel the need to make an issue of it? Now it's awkward for you DD in class??

Love51 · 20/05/2017 12:31

My child has her birthday in the first half term. We did a whole class party as we didn't know who her friends would be. We planned to move at some point in the year. I don't expect the children at the old school to invite her. I hope that the children in the new school do. I have had children over for play dates which have been reciprocated in various ways. (outings / favours) Everything doesn't have to be tit for tat.

JeffVaderneedsatray · 20/05/2017 12:32

I have 2 DCs. Both have ASCs. Both have been invited to parties large and small. Both have had parties. I have so many balls in the air that I have not kept track of who invited who where. When my kids have parties (and now they have both reached 10 we have moved to lovely quiet family days out somewhere special) they invited their friends. I assumed that their friends did the same thing.
With regards to playdates. We have very few. For good reason. DD has a very good freind who always has her to play 1 day in the holidays. My very good friend (DD's friend's mum ) understands why playdates are hard for me and understands why I avoid them. (DH is also an Un dxed Aspie and out home is his safe place)
And on the whole idea of not accepting an invite if you can't return it hwo should I have handled this situation?
Many years after i got married I met a lovely lady and we became freinds. Last year she got married and I was invited. Should I not have accepted as I didn't invite her to mine?
I assure you OP that most normal people really really don't keep track. They really really don't!

OatcakeCravings · 20/05/2017 12:36

I think it's fine but then I'm a parent who doesn't have parties, well I did a couple of times and invited the whole nursery each time but since my DS has been at school we have given him the choice of a party or something else and he has always chosen something else, e.g. LegoLand for the weekend. My DS still gets invited to the parties, well cinema trips and Pizza Hut, of all of his friends and not one of them care a jot that we don't do it. Saying that partly because we don't have a party or trip out I always buy an expensive gift (spend around £30) which more that covers what he's cost.

GoodForgetter · 20/05/2017 12:38

I think it's fine to accept but not reciprocate on the grounds that you're not holding that sort of party yourself; but it's not fine to accept and then not invite that child to your child's softplay/village hall/few friends at home type party.

My DD's party invite list started with the names of kids whose parties she had already been invited to that year.

GaelicSiog · 20/05/2017 12:40

But what if your child gets invited to loads of small parties, good? I do small parties, but if I invited every child who has invited DD to a small party this year, hers wouldn't be a small party!

treaclesoda · 20/05/2017 12:41

Only fine if you're not having anyone from nursery at all so only a family party - otherwise it's rude

If I invited everyone to a party who invited my son to theirs, he'd spend his own party in utter misery because he'd hate it. Having a party is his idea of hell. Hardly seems fair to ruin his birthday forcing him to have a party he'd hate just for the sake of keeping up appearances.

And if he refuses every invitation he gets, on the grounds that he doesn't want a party himself, then he hurts his friends feelings because they have invited him because they want his company (no one in our school does whole of class parties, it's only friends who are invited). So what are we actually supposed to do?

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