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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

She doesn't talk to me AT ALL

323 replies

LessConversation · 19/05/2017 07:34

Me (to colleague) 'Good morning! Did you have a nice evening?'
Her 'yes'
Me 'did you do anything special?'
Her 'no'

And that is it for the rest of the morning. No small talk. AT ALL. We sit in silence.

Just us two in an office - it is driving me insane.

AIBU?

OP posts:
TheStoic · 19/05/2017 13:48

I'm only chatty with people I've genuinely clicked with.

I'm chatty at work because I sit next to someone who has become one of my best friends. If he's away, I'm almost mute. Head down, working.

You just don't click, OP. Stick your earphones in and listen to some podcasts.

diddl · 19/05/2017 13:51

"extroverts don't always have it easy either, especially when the people around them are giving nothing away."

What does that mean?

What should others be "giving away"?

So, OP-she might need to be a bit more communicative re work.

But she wants to do her work without chatting to you-why is that a problem?

Does she chat to anyone at lunch for example?

HorridHenryrule · 19/05/2017 13:52

The op is the only one who is miserable and bored. I don't understand the pressure to talk about shit. Maybe the op should consider a career change.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 19/05/2017 13:54

Given she can't force the colleague to want to chat, then the options are:

One person gets moved

OP sucks it up

TooStressyForMyOwnGood · 19/05/2017 13:56

diddl, it's a problem because if you are an extrovert (and actually I wouldn't particularly say I was - I need alone time too - but I probably lean that way) to be stuck in a room with someone who says nothing feels as if the life force is being sucked out of you! Obviously I am exaggerating but it can feel suffocating and deathly silent. I know many people who cannot work in that kind of office environment.

By giving away, I suppose it is the whole thing that that extroverts get energy from others and introverts find that others take it away from them.

TooStressyForMyOwnGood · 19/05/2017 13:57

Livia, thanks, yes I suppose they are the only options.

HorridHenryrule · 19/05/2017 14:01

Not everyone wants to talk their business to entertain you. Why not talk about a programme you watched that was interesting or about politics. I hate gossip and it shows the other persons level.

gandalf456 · 19/05/2017 14:04

I am naturally quite quiet and veer towards introverted at times but can be extovert in certain company. I would struggle with this. I get that it's not a particularly interesting question, i get that she's there to work, which I often would rather do if busy. But barely talking when spoken to directly is manners. There's shy, introverted, whatever and there's rude. I would find this person quite miserable tbh

midsummabreak · 19/05/2017 14:05

It's a workplace not a prison. Becomes too robotic when we cease to communicate just for productivity. You are free to chat in between working, after all we are human and human's need to connect. A little polite chit chat is actually beneficial to a relaxed workplace and who know may be more productive.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 19/05/2017 14:07

Do you want to swap with my colleague who talks all day, every day, non stop, even if I say "please can we have some quiet, I need to concentrate". Approx. 15 seconds later the talking starts up again.

Goldfishjane · 19/05/2017 14:11

Horrid, I really wouldn't think a political discussion was a good idea either....lot of potential for that to go wrong.

Dozer · 19/05/2017 14:11

I am chatty but once shared an office with just my manager, who was great, and found it very hard - felt self conscious!

Any scope to move to a bigger space with more people?

Is she up for discussing work issues (eg "bouncing ideas"?)

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 19/05/2017 14:11

Some Humans need to connect (not all!) but it shouldn't be at the expense of someone else. And I'm guessing that polite chit chat isn't beneficial to the colleague who is very productive without it

You don't choose who you work with - if you click with them then it's a bonus but it's not compulsory to give a blow by blow account if your evening/weekend.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 19/05/2017 14:12

Yeah talking politics never causes an issue Grin

oldbirdy · 19/05/2017 14:15

'There's shy, introverted, whatever and there's rude'
And there's socially anxious, selectively mute. It isn't always as simple as 'doesn't return my greetings = rude'. In fact if you haven't pissed someone off I would suspect that not returning someone's greetings would almost never be rude. Much more likely to be that they didn't hear you or have a communication difficulty.

OP the nub of it is, you are taking it personally. You are assuming it is a reflection upon you r judgement of you - that this person dislikes you or is rude. Try deciding that it is nothing to do with you and much more likely something to do with her - she is very introverted or selectively mute or highly focused and struggles to disengage or something. Just because communication is easy to you and brings you happiness, doesn't mean that it is easy for her and brings her happiness, but she is choosing to remain aloof for shits and giggles.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 19/05/2017 14:16

The other possibility is that you have inadvertently pissed her off somewhere down the line - it may not be something major or intentional but it does happen

lizzyj4 · 19/05/2017 14:16

I hate small talk too (another introvert here) and can't see the point of it. I'd hate being stuck in a room with someone who expected to 'chat' all the time, especially if I was supposed to be concentrating on work and probably wouldn't last very long, way too stressful/exhausting. Are you allowed to listen to the radio or an audiobook in your office, via headphones obvs (so you don't notice the deafening silence so much)?

Jaxhog · 19/05/2017 14:20

I'm like you, and would probably slip into talking to myself instead! I work with IT people, and many are like this. They just switch off from the outside world. They really, really don't like interruptions - which is how they view chat. If she's a good performer, don't mess with that by forcing her to listen to you chatting. Provided she communicates when you need her to regarding her work.

Learn to work in slots of time, in between going and chatting elsewhere.

diddl · 19/05/2017 14:23

"if you click with them then it's a bonus "

Well that's it, isn't it?

Maybe she doesn't particularly click with Op, or she might feel awkward as Op is her boss.

gandalf456 · 19/05/2017 14:26

Well, to be fair, we can't really diagnose her on here, can we? All i know is that i made a huge effort to be more outgoing as I exited my teens (many years ago now) and people responded better to me.

I'm not saying she should morph into a raving extrovert but you have to compromise a bit. My natural instinct is still to be quiet and not speak but have to remind myself from time to time to ask my colleagues how their day off went or something similar. It shows you are interested in the people around you and i agree that if you have good relationships at work ( without getting overly involved) , it will be noticed and helps you fit in. If people like you, you'll be more likely to be considered for promotions and the like because people will want to work with you.

As I said i can only say what I've seen at work and unless she's declared some sort of disability then we only have her behaviour to go on and it could work against her at some point .

And it's not just about people who are non communcative. The same goes for people who talk non stop and distract people. They have to compromise and fit in too. It all boils down to knowing how to behave at work and being professional. Id say either stonewalling people or yapping non stop are both unprofessional

VeryButchyRestingFace · 19/05/2017 14:30

Surely the situation is being compounded by the fact there's only two of them in the office?

I'm introverted and even I would struggle being in an office with only one other person - regardless of the level of the chat.

I can easily see why OP's colleague might want to play her cards very close to her chest in an environment where there is only one other colleague, and it's her manager at that.

Maybe it's OP's who's in the wrong job? It sounds like hell for an extrovert.

ravenmum · 19/05/2017 14:33

These days there's much more awareness of social anxiety, but even so it's easy for sufferers to be so embarrassed about everything that they can't even discuss their social anxiety either.

At my worst I thought I'd end up a bag lady, as I wouldn't be able to go about any kind of work at all. If it is social anxiety, she may not actually be able to control how much she speaks. She may hate the idea of being unprofessional as much as you do, but still not be able to do anything about it.

MiaowMix · 19/05/2017 14:42

diddl you asked: *"extroverts don't always have it easy either, especially when the people around them are giving nothing away."

What does that mean?*

I meant that it's hard to know if you're the person causing their mood, or if they're just in a mood for whatever reasons, or whatever. It's quite odd when people steadfastly refuse to communicate with you in any shape or form, because it can make you feel uncomfortable and massively ill at ease.

As well as giving out negative energy.

Someone said they hate coming into the office in the morning because they hate having to say "good morning" to colleagues (Livia?) Shock? That is just extremely rude. It's just good manners, not small talk.

Someone else asked the point of small talk? There is no point, other than to oil the wheels and put people at ease. Loads of things are 'pointless' - so what!

MiaowMix · 19/05/2017 14:44

smiling goes a long way to easing awkward and weird silences too. Silent but smiling is preferable to silent glowering.

Foxysoxy01 · 19/05/2017 14:54

Why can't you leave her alone?

If your answers starts with, well I could.... then do it! Leave her alone and let her just do her work and negotiate her working day the best way for her.

If she absolutely has to have small talk as part of her job then you will have to have a meeting with her and your boss to explain why she needs to have small talk and a plan on how she can achieve that.

On a personal level I would find you infuriating and would be dreading you questions every morning.
The more you pushed for answers about my personal life that has absolutely nothing to do with you the more I would think you a rude, pigheaded annoyance.

If I was your manager I would be very concerned you couldn't understand non verbal communication.

I am wondering if you have some form of Autism or the like from your lack of being able to read people and their emotions.