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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

She doesn't talk to me AT ALL

323 replies

LessConversation · 19/05/2017 07:34

Me (to colleague) 'Good morning! Did you have a nice evening?'
Her 'yes'
Me 'did you do anything special?'
Her 'no'

And that is it for the rest of the morning. No small talk. AT ALL. We sit in silence.

Just us two in an office - it is driving me insane.

AIBU?

OP posts:
HebeJeebie · 19/05/2017 20:34

I agree with you Livia. I no doubt give off an aura of not caring what people think - because it's absolutely true: I don't give a stuff about what my work colleagues eat/watch on TV/ do in their spare time.

And if anyone tries to draw information from me that I'm not willing to divulge, then I just become deliberately monosyllabic...

For me, work and personal life are kept TOTALLY separate.

Imaginosity · 19/05/2017 20:41

Maybe she has social anxiety or autism? I was crippled by social anxiety a few years ago. I was almost mute in school. For a while I found it so hard to talk in work - made worse when people pointed it out or made an issue of it. I felt overwhelming shame which just made me more quiet. I've gradually moved out of it but would still be the more quiet person in work. I know it must have been difficult for people to work with me - but it was more difficult being me at the time

BennySF · 19/05/2017 20:52

I hate small talk, and more than that, I don't know how to do small talk. When I try I feel like I'm simply copying what someone else would say. I have a parody of conversation instead of a real one.

However, I have no problem talking about work, specialy when colleagues from another sector are curious about my job.
I have no problem either talking about something specific, like a passion, hobby or whatever I do at home, as long as they're genuinely interested. If at any moment I feel like they're not really interested, I feel that I'm boring them or imposing myself too much, and will shut down the conversation almost mid-sentence.

If your colleague is an introvert, it might help to speak about something very specific, that would interest both of you (or at least you need to fake it very well). And since, I assume, you don't know much about her, I would start with work. It might give you some clues for another topic another day.

TowerRavenSeven · 19/05/2017 21:27

Is she my son?!! He doesn't do small talk at all either!

RebelRogue · 19/05/2017 22:51

During lunch break yesterday I was having a fag in the rain when a colleague came to have one too with an umbrella. She asked me if I'd like to sit under it and that I don't have to talk to her. We sat there in comfortable silence,her on her phone,me on mine. I really like her now. GrinGrin

Goldfishjane · 19/05/2017 23:59

Rebel, she sounds nice.

gandalf456 · 20/05/2017 00:36

You see, I wouldn't view a 'what did you do last night?' as an overly personal question . 'What colour is your underwear?' Yes, a bit but that? No! Anyway, if you did spend the night having rampant sex with your oh, you could always lie and say you watched Eastenders.

Maybe the reason why people don't like these questions is because it makes them feel insecure and that they need to answer with something impresssive and have to entertain the person. Neither is true. The most important thing is you are talking and the subject is largely irrelevant. Many people hate small talk and that's understandable but you have to start somewhere before you move on to bigger topics

29Palms · 20/05/2017 01:27

The most important thing is you are talking and the subject is largely irrelevant

And that's exactly why it's best to stick to neutral topics. If the other person is happy to expand into more personal areas, they will make that clear.

Lying about what you did last night, as you suggest, is a slippery slope because if the interrogator is persistent you will be caught out eventually.

FelixtheMouse · 20/05/2017 03:10

Sorry, but I'm with your colleague. I don't do small talk and hate being quizzed about what I did or what I will be doing. If she's like me, she probably finds you as difficult as you find her.

FelixtheMouse · 20/05/2017 03:15

I don't think it's because I feel a need to give an impressive answer, I think it's because I feel it's none of your business.

NavyandWhite · 20/05/2017 06:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
LessConversation · 20/05/2017 07:15

The replies have been so interesting - those who feel any question directed at them is an intrusion of their personal life, and those (like me) who see it as nothing more than pleasantries.

OP posts:
ChillieJeanie · 20/05/2017 08:10

But *NavyandWhite^ would the questioning stop there? Or is it a case of:

A: Did you have a good weekend?
B: Yes, thanks.
Then follow up question(s) from A:What did you get up to/where did you go/who did you see?

Or a long and tedious account of whatever it was that A had done over the weekend that B had no interest in hearing about and hence hadn't asked?

Unfortunately I have a colleague like A in this scenario, and I really don't give a shit about whether or not she had met up with someone she had been messaging on Tinder, or if she went to the park with her friend and friend's kids, or the intricacies of her friends' private lives (people I don't know and will never meet). I've got a lot to get done at the moment and her monologues are only ever of interest to her.

ChillieJeanie · 20/05/2017 08:10

Oh blast, should have checked for highlighting before posting.

gandalf456 · 20/05/2017 08:20

All I can say is I'm glad I work with the nice people I do. It has never been an issue before

Ceto · 20/05/2017 08:25

I'm fairly shy and also have days when I just don't feel like talking. However, if someone asks about my weekend I would at least respond to a question like "Did you have a good weekend" with something like "OK, thanks, I didn't do much, how about you?" and sound interested when they reply. Unless they are the type to bang on for ages it's not hard, doesn't take up much time and gets the day off to a reasonably pleasant start. Most people learn that. I suspect your problem is partly that there are only two of you so she doesn't pick anything up from hearing conversations between other people.

Kittymum03 · 20/05/2017 09:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ddssdd · 20/05/2017 09:59

I wouldn't want my manager asking me what I did last night Hmm Yes, it may be small talk to you but perhaps a bit over-invested on your part.

She may just be a hard worker, wanting to just get on with it. It may be something else. Maybe she's just a private person.

helpimitchy · 20/05/2017 10:16

OP, perhaps she finds you irritating, repetitive and vacuous.

scottishdiem · 20/05/2017 14:22

Love how so many here are asking if being reserved, quite and utterly disinterested in sharing personal details or talking irrelevant shite is seen as being autistic or having another mental health issue.

I mean really. Get over yourselves.

29Palms · 20/05/2017 15:16

BennySF

"I have no problem either talking about something specific, like a passion, hobby or whatever I do at home, as long as they're genuinely interested. If at any moment I feel like they're not really interested, I feel that I'm boring them or imposing myself too much, and will shut down the conversation almost mid-sentence."

I know just what you mean.

All too often people seize upon something that they know you do, and ask about it but they don't really want to listen to what you say about it. They are just using it as "something to say".

I can do without that sort of shit, thanks. If you're going to ask, at least fucking well listen to the answer.

Shockers · 20/05/2017 17:29

Why don't you share what you did last night to get the conversation started? Keep it brief and upbeat.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 20/05/2017 17:31

Because I imagine the colleague won't care and it will probably be fairly obvious that she's glazed over or ignoring the OP.

She doesn't want to share her life with the OP

She presumably doesn't want the OP to share her life with her Confused

Lou898 · 20/05/2017 18:09

There could be several things going on...
She might feel uncomfortable chit chatting with you because you're her boss.
She might have things going on her personal life that you have no idea about.
Just keep trying ...maybe tell her something about yourself first. Gosh had a busy weekend I.......what about you?Then she knows how much to reveal etc.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 20/05/2017 18:11

Please don't 'keep trying' - she has had plenty of opportunity to chat but she clearly doesn't want to - OP risks looking ridiculous if she continues

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