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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

She doesn't talk to me AT ALL

323 replies

LessConversation · 19/05/2017 07:34

Me (to colleague) 'Good morning! Did you have a nice evening?'
Her 'yes'
Me 'did you do anything special?'
Her 'no'

And that is it for the rest of the morning. No small talk. AT ALL. We sit in silence.

Just us two in an office - it is driving me insane.

AIBU?

OP posts:
champagnecyclist · 20/05/2017 18:16

Bloody hell so many possible reasons:

Shyness
Crippling social anxiety
Anxiety
Depression ranging from mild to suicidal
Autism/Aspergers traits
Hates inane chit chat
Is an Introvert where you and others are an Extrovert
Has pressures at home and needs to get all her work done during work hours
Likes to keep work/private life in separate boxes
Has a boring home life and doesn’t want to talk about it
Has an upsetting or even traumatic home life and doesn’t want to talk about it
Finds some people easier to talk to than others
Doesn’t like you (she doesn’t have to)

Could be a combination of any or all of these things in fact!

YABVU if you think that she owes you any kind of explanation, or if she is experiencing personal difficulty that she should explain herself to you. Unless it is affecting her work - and it does not sound that way?

To assume she is rude, and even to treat her that way without knowing the cause of her quiet-ness - is YOU being rude/unfair/unprofessional.

I’ve encountered staff who develop a view of someone like this without really knowing anything about that person, then spread their view far and wide, pulling that person’s reputation into the gutter across an organisation and THAT is bullying (IMHO).

It irritates me when so many people profess to support others when it comes to mental health awareness days and so on, but in practice they really don’t at all (if that is what is going on in this case, and it isn’t necessarily because you don’t know).

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 20/05/2017 18:20

I'm actually embarrassed for some of the posters on this thread - coming up with ideas to make the colleague chat to the OP. I wouldn't want to look so desperate but I appreciate that might just be me Grin

Lovingit81 · 20/05/2017 18:30

She sounds like an arsehole to me. I don't care what anyone says it's rude. Id literally say nothing to her from now on. Self absorbed and ignorant.

Craigie · 20/05/2017 18:40

Stop asking her closed questions. Ask questions which require more than a one word answer. Could it be possible she has Aspergers, and therefore literally not be able to engage in small talk?

champagnecyclist · 20/05/2017 18:42
Confused
RebelRogue · 20/05/2017 18:44

Or maybe she just doesn't want to engage in small talk,which is entirely her choice. People don't HAVE to talk to you(general you).

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 20/05/2017 18:56

Craigie read the thread - open questions and ASD have all been discussed!

Angelreid14 · 20/05/2017 18:56

Small talk was invented by the devil himself. Don't make it awkward OP free will and everything she doesn't have to talk to you.

neonfrog · 20/05/2017 19:31

I have recently posted on MN about a similar situation.

It's been going on just over a year now and it's really affected me. The stress made my hair fall out! I am totally ignored, no communication at all. She's never spoken to me, I tested her out once and we went the whole shift in silence. She suddenly switches on when others are around and it then feels very personal. Yesterday I broke down during my appraisal and thank goodness my manager sympathised unlike my previous one 10months ago who basically refused to get involved and told me to deal with it myself. I'm a chatty friendly person and find complete silence agony but this is a step further and it's the disrespect that has really bothered me. I'd love to know what the problem is but expect I will never know. Haven't a clue what to expect on Monday after my manager has spoken to my silent colleague.

I didn't think anyone else existed who behaved this way. You have my understanding and sympathy

TooStressyForMyOwnGood · 20/05/2017 19:37

neon Flowers. That sounds extremely stressful.

Ticketybootoo · 20/05/2017 20:30

I used to work somewhere where the 4 senior managers either
1 shouted
2 wrote unpleasant messages on team notice boards like ' you are all a bunch of idiots '
3 talked to their staff with a tone as if the staff had murdered one of their family

This got to me after a while but I am an extrovert and get my energy largely from the people around me . I stuck the job for 3 years and left . I do think the thing we all have to remember is that sometimes people are foul to us and it's nothing to do with us - it what's going on with them and it's important to not take it too personally . Good Luck !

Original poster
LessConversation · 20/05/2017 20:40

neon Flowers

OP posts:
Awhoosh · 20/05/2017 20:53

Neon that sounds awful. Good you spoke to your manager and hope it improves.

OP I think that sounds horrible and she's not communicating about work either, so it's not just that she doesn't like chatting.

I've had a situation where there was very little communication between me and someone else because (I think) they didn't like me. That might sound fine but if it hinders work then it is a problem. (Apart from being horrible to go through).

MCamp10 · 20/05/2017 21:38

It's called having social skills. Clearly she doesn't have any!

NavyandWhite · 20/05/2017 21:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 20/05/2017 22:10

Sometimes it's because one person doesn't like the other - there's no logic to it. I have shared with people that have disliked me or I have disliked and we didn't waste time on small talk, we just go on with our days

woollychimp · 20/05/2017 22:18

It might be an idea to ask a different question. I'd find it irritating being asked if I'd had a nice evening every day, because mainly I don't do a lot, and rarely anything special.

You could ask how was the traffic was .

Unicorn81 · 20/05/2017 22:27

I hate the whole polite 'how was your weekend question' as i always,say yeah good and you? When i actually want to say, it was utter shite actually as my partner has mental health issues as well as physical pain and my time away from work is just as stressful as being at work.

Id rather just not talk

neonfrog · 20/05/2017 23:06

NavyandWhite she talks to everyone but me! Some more than others, it's a bit unnerving, she has a very brown nose Wink I'd never met her before starting the job and haven't a clue why she doesn't like me. I've racked my brains to try and think of what I might of done to deserve this, I could only see myself treating someone like this if they'd run off with my husband and I can assure you I've never met her husband! I'm not trying to be her friend I just want respect and a decent level of communication so that my job isn't affected.

cherry2727 · 20/05/2017 23:48

Very interesting thread !!
Just to clarify , I don't think that the op is upset over her colleague not sharing personal information, I think she is talking about the lack of conversation in general!

OP- I've been on both sides to be honest . I started my career in a corporate environment at a very young age and was thrown into a team of 10 grown men. I am naturally shy and Introverted so found it extremely difficult to share my thoughts. I did Listen to their conversations and laughed at their jokes but felt inadequate to join in.I didn't think my thoughts were worthy of being shared at the time so kept mute most of the time. I was that girl !!

Fast forward 10 years later , I am alot more confident and this has been noticed by my new manager. I still prefer to be on my own but do make a lot more effort to initiate and join in conversation. I changed jobs and sat next to another introvert and surprisingly I struggled to talk to him. I put it down to the fact that he was an introvert but I noticed that He would happily speak to the guy next to him but not me so I came to the conclusion that he didn't like me and we didn't have a lot in common. I was soo unhappy ... I hated it!!!

It could be a number of different reasons and I'd just respect her need for silence though I emphasis with you . You spend quite a number of hours with someone everyday and it would be nice to at least have a 5 minute conversation with the person. I'm now sat next to a lovely lady who makes an effort to talk and though she can talk a bit too much , I give her a signal when I need to get back to work and she respects that.

I think it's all about acknowledging each other traits and respecting it. My new colleague respects the fact that I sometimes need my own thoughts and leaves me too and I respect the fact that she needs a bit of chit chat and I give that to her a few minutes a day. I try and remember important events in her life and ask her about them- I pay attention . It doesn't take much surely ! I'm a lot more happier sat next to her than him and I'm an introvert !

JDEE72 · 21/05/2017 01:34

My social filter is broken, and I have a stammer which isn't always apparent. I can't do small talk, I either don't speak, or we are going to have an in depth magnificent conversation about the far reaches of the universe and everything in it. Maybe she's the same?

JDEE72 · 21/05/2017 01:37

Also, not everyone is going to like you, and that's ok. I'm wondering if she appreciates the silence of the office because everywhere else is so damn noisy?

LallanasInPyjamas · 21/05/2017 01:40

Either;

A) you are a cow, or
B) she is a cow

the mystery continues.

Goldfishjane · 21/05/2017 08:13

"Also, not everyone is going to like you, and that's ok. I'm wondering if she appreciates the silence of the office because everywhere else is so damn noisy?"

Oh maybe. What I wouldn't give to find a silent place, like any place!

gandalf456 · 21/05/2017 20:54

They don't have to like one another but they are the only ones in the office and they have to learn to rub along with each other. That's not possible if, as op says, she won't speak at all.

I don't think it's embarrassing that op tries to engage with her. I'd say her colleague's behaviour is more embarrassing as it's more out of the ordinary . I do agree that any attempts at any kind of relationship at all are going to be fruitless.

As others have said, it will eventually impact on work if op needs to speak about that and then this will have to be dealt with then and could become a disciplinary matter but there's not much op can do in the meantime .