She doesn't talk to me AT ALL

[LessConversation]

Me (to colleague) 'Good morning! Did you have a nice evening?'
Her 'yes'
Me 'did you do anything special?'
Her 'no'

And that is it for the rest of the morning. No small talk. AT ALL. We sit in silence.

Just us two in an office - it is driving me insane.

AIBU?

Someone else asked the point of small talk? There is no point, other than to oil the wheels and put people at ease. Loads of things are 'pointless' - so what!

That was me - small talk is a complete waste of time, when I'm at work, I want to work, not 'oil the wheels' to assuage other people's needs.

Don't get me wrong, most of the people who know me wouldn't guess I'm introverted. Because, like PP, I've learned to do what's expected: smile, a lot, make small talk, show an interest. I probably come across as assertive bossy to most. But the difference is, I really don't like doing it - I understand it's necessary, but in my head I think of it as 'dealing with people', not some enjoyable form of interaction/passing the time.

Social anxiety is a completely different thing to being introverted. The difference is that someone who is introverted can usually force themselves to 'play the part' if they need to, even if they find it hellish. Someone with social anxiety literally cannot physically do it. I have a son with this problem, and when he comes up against it, it's literally like hitting a brick wall.

I'd be different on that one Miaow. If I think I see a deliberate smile, instead of a natural one, I become suspicious!

Maybe extroverts are more needy? Probably actually.

I'm pathetic - I'm happy with insincerity just for the sake of a pleasant atmosphere

"I'm happy with insincerity just for the sake of a pleasant atmosphere "

How is it pleasant though when you know that the person doesn't mean it?

Please for the love of Pete don't whistle at work.

Yes. This. Someone once told me that people never whistle when they know they are alone. I'm not a whistler so I have no idea if it's true or not.

The theory posited was (in vernacular) was that people who whistle are utter wankers because they only do it when someone can hear them or potentially hear them. Who they can irritate with THEIR FUCKING WHISTLING.

diddl I don't pretend to be friends with all my colleagues, but I guess for the sake of a calm and friendly working environment I make the effort to get on, even if I don't actually like them.

Don't know if that makes sense, but sometimes honesty can be too blunt for me. I guess it's a 'white lie' thing.

Ditto if I ask my husband if I look fat. The answer should always be no.

Why ask if he's going to say no anyway? Surely you don't know if he is being sincere or not, he's saying what you want to hear so why ask in the first place?

yeah, good point. I want constant validation probably!

But it's not validation if you can't rely on it being the truth, surely? So it doesn't achieve anything, as you don't know if you genuinely look good or whether you don't - he's always going to tell you what you want to hear?

If you are insecure enough to ask, then surely not knowing whether he is sincere is going to make you more so.

Whatever works for you and all that, I just don't understand why people do this

I used to be like your colleague and it was due to being painfully shy ☺️. I'm a lot more talkative now tho

I'm looking for another thread on MN 'My boss keeps prattling on at me and I wish she'd shut up'

Miaow - are you the kind of person who would be really upset if you heard that someone at work didn't like you?

I was just thinking, that's another issue with office chat. I am on a small team that's part of a bigger team - on the small team there's 6 inc me. I really like 2 of them, am fine with 2 and really dislike one.

if general chit chat is a norm, I think your likes/dislikes become obvious which is another reason it can be good to lay off the chat. So that's another reason I'm quiet, makes that part easier too.

"I'm efficient and good at my job. I feel I'm at work to work and I find it hard to concentrate if people distract me. Unfortunately I've been put in an office with only one other person who keeps trying to get me to chat to her about personal things, like what I've been doing in my own time. To make it worse, she's my manager so I feel really awkward, I just want her to get on with her own work but I don't feel I can say anything - I worry that I'm seen as uncooperative which might affect my job. What should I do?"

There's nothing to indicate op is chatting all day. We are talking one or two sentences here

I'm not suggesting it's my way or the high way, more to try and explain to introverts that extroverts can be insecure and have their feelings hurt too.

Me I'm probably too needy, and yes I want to be liked by everyone. I wish I was more laissez faire and self-sufficient though.

Ideally there'd surely be a balance of some chat?

Of course they can but it's not great for self respect if someone is just telling you what you want to hear - surely better not to say anything at all.

But then I'm the opposite - i distrust people who are overly nice and I have never been bothered about being disliked so I would never fish for compliments - it's too complicated to do the 'ask for compliment, get it' type of dance

And it does appear needy - although I'm not suggesting that you are

I am. But enough about me .

How do you do that not bothered about what other people think of you thing? Genuinely would love to know...

I wonder if she actually has a really scandalous life and can't answer because she spends her evenings running kinky sex parties or something.

How do you do that not bothered about what other people think of you thing? Genuinely would love to know...

You have to be thick skinned to not care about what other people think. They don't know me so why should I care about their mundane lives. I don't hate anyone I just get along and get on with it. My daughter is super shy and quiet you'll be lucky to get a word out of her. She's not rude she is socially awkward thats all.

I think going on some of the responses on here some of you would find it hard to work in care. You have to work with different personalities and have to work with awkward personalities. Some people who have gone to work in those places get offended so easily they don't last long and leave. In care work you have to respect peoples boundaries its not always about how you feel and what you want.

I cannot stand being asked direct personal questions. I once worked in an environment where I was exposed to this a lot, from customers "making conversation".

As a result I avoid asking people personal questions unless they start volunteering personal info, eg I won't say "Do you have any children?" unless they mention them. It's a myth that everybody likes talking about themselves, and you don't know what scabs you may be picking at.

There are other ways of "making conversation" without interrogating people. I always stick to neutral topics and sometimes you strike oil with something the person is actually interested in. But if they don't seem comfortable with even general "seen any good films lately" type chat, then you need to back off.

Miaow Its down to not being bothered enough about other people to care what they think iyswim. I'm not going to concern myself with the opinion of someone if they don't matter to me.'