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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

She doesn't talk to me AT ALL

323 replies

LessConversation · 19/05/2017 07:34

Me (to colleague) 'Good morning! Did you have a nice evening?'
Her 'yes'
Me 'did you do anything special?'
Her 'no'

And that is it for the rest of the morning. No small talk. AT ALL. We sit in silence.

Just us two in an office - it is driving me insane.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
LessConversation · 19/05/2017 08:14

Those of you who are quiet - would you not even make a comment / ask a question / show an interest in other people's work?

OP posts:
Ragwort · 19/05/2017 08:15

I agree with Gerda and alittle

Your colleague sounds hard working and efficient, as a Manager I would love it if my employees were like that! I get endless inane chatter about mindless subjects (not at all work related) and I have to leave the room just to get head space and thinking time.

Actually I think it is rather intrusive/unprofessional to ask people what they do in their personal time

Do NOT put the radio on - surely you are at work to work? Confused.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 19/05/2017 08:18

Not if i didn't need to. And yes asking outright what people do in their spare time, when you know they don't want to discuss it, is intrusive.

She's not rude or nasty, she clearly just prefers to get on with what she's paid to do

I don't know if you have a manager but what if she reported you to your boss for chatting to her when she's trying to work?

KrsJd · 19/05/2017 08:19

How long have you worked together? I was particularly quiet when I started my job, though manager wasn't overly chatty but very pleasant. Took me a long time (probably 2 years) to really feel comfortable and at ease (for a few reasons) and until then I didn't talk much at all. Now I love my supervisor but she's due to retire near the end of the year and I'll be going leaving shortly after and I'm incredibly sad about it now and will miss working with her so much Sad

Original poster
LessConversation · 19/05/2017 08:21

Actually I think it is rather intrusive/unprofessional to ask people what they do in their personal time

Asking someone if they've had a nice evening is intrusive? Hmm

OP posts:
TooStressyForMyOwnGood · 19/05/2017 08:21

So OP is supposed to sit in deathly silence all day? Surely there is a middle ground. Doesn't sound as if you are compatible sharin an office tbh although I usss moving is not an option.

TooStressyForMyOwnGood · 19/05/2017 08:22

Sorry terrible typing!

ParadiseCity · 19/05/2017 08:25

I'm a manager in an office with one person who reports to me. I have had silent employees and chatty ones. Chatty is better! How long have you worked together and has she always been like this?

DownandOutinBeverlyHills · 19/05/2017 08:25

Sounds like you're an extrovert who gets energy from other people and
your colleague is an introvert, who finds dealing with other people draining. You can't change that.

I think YABU to expect others to have the same approach to life as you.

It's also not really your business what your colleagues do in their own time, particularly if they are subordinates. Be respectful that not everyone wants to share their private life!

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 19/05/2017 08:26

'Did you have a nice evening?' - fine and the other person can say 'yes thanks' or 'yes thanks I went to the theatre' etc

'What did you do last night' slightly intrusive and usually elicits a 'not a lot' response ime!

You know she doesn't want to chat so you are asking her for your benefit. If she's shy then you
will be making her incredibly uncomfortable when all she wants to do is come in and do her work.

I had a manager that actually had a go at me because whenever she asked what I did at the weekend I would say 'not a lot' because it was actually true!

user1482079332 · 19/05/2017 08:27

I'm quiet at work typical introvert. Small talk is of no interest to me but if I make a connection with someone I'll look forward to chatting to them because the conversation will have gone past the stage of small talk

missyB1 · 19/05/2017 08:30

She sounds hard work and the situation would get me down. Yes get a radio, and is there any possibility you could move to another office?

LadyLoveYourWhat · 19/05/2017 08:33

People are different - is making small talk with you part of her job description? Let her get on with it! There are parts of our organisation where the custom is to work in pretty much complete silence, the team I manage is pretty chatty, neither is right or wrong.

contrary13 · 19/05/2017 08:33

I'm good at my job, don't take sick days, and don't need to have my hand held/be walked through every step by anyone... but I also have crippling anxiety which makes talking to/with people I don't know that well, nigh-on-impossible. Perhaps your colleague is the same?

Medeci · 19/05/2017 08:33

Asking someone if they've had a nice evening is intrusive?
Not as a stand alone question, but when someone just replies "Yes" it's obvious they don't want to give any more information.
It could be seen as intrusive to then go on to ask if she did anything special, not everyone wants to share personal stuff at work.
Better to stick to topics like the weather and the news if you feel you have to say something.

nicknameofawesome · 19/05/2017 08:33

I wouldn't want to sit and idly chat. Small talk is my idea of hell. I'd be incredibly content to just sit and work.

AlpacaLypse · 19/05/2017 08:34

And this is yet another reason why I took a drop in income to work for myself!

OP I'd probably enjoy working with you, but I'm not your colleague and it's not fair of you to try and make her chatty if that's not her approach to life. And I do know I don't like distractions when I am on paperwork mode and don't do my best work unless it's quiet - and that includes radio etc.

If you need to bounce ideas off people perhaps you should be thinking about getting things restructured so you work in a team most of the time rather than an office with one person who is happier getting her head down and on with her tasks.

LadyLoveYourWhat · 19/05/2017 08:34

And don't put the radio on, that would drive me batty! If you're desperate for some noise, put some headphones on and listen to your own music/radio.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 19/05/2017 08:35

I'm chatty. But I clam up when people ask me what I did of an evening because usually, I've done jack shit! Nobody wants to hear about me drinking wine, eating mini cheddars and watching obsessive compulsive cleaners!

IrenetheQuaint · 19/05/2017 08:35

If all she's done the previous evening is make dinner and watch some telly then I can understand why she might have zero interest in engaging in dull chitchat about it! I think you just have to accept that you're very different types of people.

TroubleTruble · 19/05/2017 08:35

I had to work with someone like this and there was only us two in the office but she always thought she was above me 🙄

She really wasn't a nice person, insisted on opening the window all the time when I was freezing and the window was right behind me so sent a draft down my back. (And I was pregnant at the time and having health issues so this didn't help)
Going in my desk drawers and stealing stuff when I wasn't there.
Refusing to even have music on in the office but then refusing to make small talk so we sat in awkward silence all day.

I was open to being pleasant with her when I started even though several people told me about her 'attitude' but she really was a cow.

Yeah I'm really glad I don't work with her anymore!

Sorry I'm no help to you - I left the job. 😬

diddl · 19/05/2017 08:35

" I really bounce off people, learn from chatting etc."

Learn what?

In fact the phrase "bounce off people"-I'm pretty sure that you'd annoy me at work with what would feel like inane chat & a need to fill the silence.

TheFirstMrsDV · 19/05/2017 08:35

I am too chatty at work. I know I have to stfu a bit.
I used to work with a grown woman who would suddenly decide she wasn't going to talk to anyone and would stop interacting completely.
She would turn her back, build a little file fort to protect her and totally blank me if I said hello.
We worked in community child development so pretty touchy feely.
We all annoyed her by existing in much the way parents annoy their teenagers by breathing

She was incredibly attention seeking and her behaviour was disruptive. How can you information share about vulnerable children if someone on the team is having a massive sulk?

She should have got the sack. If she is reading now 'YOU SHOULD HAVE GOT THE SACK'

Chillidawg · 19/05/2017 08:37

Did she previously work somewhere with fixed break times? It can be hard to get used to being able to take a break, have a coffee and a little 'did you watch Corrie last night' environment of an office if you've worked eg in retail where all this talk has to wait until 10.30 tea break.
Maybe you could try a fixed time mid morning to have a stretch and say 'let's take a break, coffee?' And see whether this has any effect.
Of course, she could also have a shit life outside work and value the anonymity and quiet of the office.

barrygetamoveonplease · 19/05/2017 08:37

I hate people who want to talk all the time at work. There are few things more annoying. Manager or not, you need to cut the chat and get on with the job. She is setting you a good example.