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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

She doesn't talk to me AT ALL

323 replies

LessConversation · 19/05/2017 07:34

Me (to colleague) 'Good morning! Did you have a nice evening?'
Her 'yes'
Me 'did you do anything special?'
Her 'no'

And that is it for the rest of the morning. No small talk. AT ALL. We sit in silence.

Just us two in an office - it is driving me insane.

AIBU?

OP posts:
bottledatsource · 19/05/2017 12:49

This describes me too but as I work in an office of 20-30 people it's not really an issue. Others know I don't chit chat so the chit chatters talk to each other and leave the quiet ones in peace.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 19/05/2017 12:49

TooStressy No, just that forcing someone to make small talk on personal matters is unpleasant

YesMilk · 19/05/2017 12:52

I used to work with someone like this this, when I worked in a Bookies as a student.It's the kind of job where if the shop is quiet, you literally have have nothing to do.

One manager wouldn't chat at all. 10 hour days, just the two of us and no conversation. Fucking torture!!

I'm not particularly talkative myself, but not uttering a word unless work-related for 10 hours?!

Never have I met such a boring person.

QuintessentialShadow · 19/05/2017 13:04

I really bounce off people, learn from chatting etc.

I second diddl, learn what exactly?

Maybe YOUR supervisor put you in with her, just the two of you, because you are a chatterbox distracting other workers?

ravenmum · 19/05/2017 13:07

Never have I met such a boring person.
When I was at my worst with social anxiety, I knew that it wasn't a good idea for me to just stay away from other people altogether, as that would probably just be a vicious circle and make me even worse. But I knew that as I was unable to speak a lot of the time, people probably felt pretty bored around me. So I would seek out people's company but try to limit myself to short times with people who seemed to be able to put up with me.

Didn't always get it right, though. One day a friend told me not to come round any more as she found it boring.

After that, in my last year of university I didn't seek out anyone's company any more, and just waited to get my degree. Got on with other stuff, like doing my driver's licence, thanks to all the spare time :)

After that, my social anxiety got better - if anything I'm usually the one making the conversation - but I've never been good at seeking out friends ever since, as I'm too afraid of rejection. I mostly do stuff in groups, where I don't feel like people have to like me or find me entertaining to take part.

I'm sure it was hard for the poor extroverts who had to put up with me when I was unable to say more than a few words, but really, I wasn't being rude. It wasn't about them. I was not able to say any more. Clearly hard for some people to imagine!

Kokusai · 19/05/2017 13:13

Is she British? I just say so because it's a very British idea that we socialize at work

I spend more of my waking hours with work colleagues than I do with my DP. It would be very sad if we didn't have a friendly atmosphere and a bit of chatting!

terrylene · 19/05/2017 13:14

I think asking about what people do is too intrusive.

Each morning, stick to a short, daily report on the state of the weather, the journey into work/state of the buses/length of the queue at the traffic lights - get her hooked on the soap opera of the chap with the beard with too many bags that gets on at the last minute, bit by bit, and gradually branch out from there.

Weather is always good - so many pathways to explore - sun, summer, floods, stuff seen on television, why does it rain when a certain weather presenter comes on? Hmm, nice weather I have had on holidays, lack of rain and effect on garden/crops/global warming............what to wear, what the birds are up to.

wrenika · 19/05/2017 13:17

I'd be the person giving a one or two word answer. I go to work to work. I don't go to chat!
I do say good morning to the guy who sits opposite me, but I don't say anything when I leave. I will talk to colleagues about projects as and when necessary but I can go all day with just me, the computer and a good audiobook. It's bliss!

JustDanceAddict · 19/05/2017 13:18

Big difference between working in silence cos you're busy and awkward silence where there's an atmosphere. Give me a chatty person any day. Yes, there are some colleagues that I wouldn't click well with if we were in an office on our own, but I'd still tell them what I did on the weekend or whatever. It can take people a while to 'warm up' at work, but not two years!! I once did share with someone v quiet at first, her predecessor and I got on very well so it was very boring! We were both very busy and once the ice had broken she said she never spoke much cos she was so overwhelmed with work. In the end we got on well and we did go for the odd lunch together.

saffronwblue · 19/05/2017 13:25

She does not owe you information about her life outside work. Don't try to manipulate it out of her to satisfy your curiosity. Part of being an effective manager is to respect and work with people's differences rather than expect them to become clones of you.

JustDanceAddict · 19/05/2017 13:25

Also I also find that colleagues tend to like people who are reasonably chatty, but not totally 'in your face' TMI-ing all over the place. I sit next to one like that & although she's nice it does get a bit much!!! Think I'd still rather that though than the silent treatment as it makes for such a bad atmosphere.

TooStressyForMyOwnGood · 19/05/2017 13:28

I get people not wanting to talk about their lives and I actually do get that people simple don't want to chat to their colleagues. I'm just wondering, as a person who does chat, if I am sat with someone that doesn't talk at all, what I am meant to do to get through the day? It sounds as if people are saying to accept she doesn't want to talk at all but that leaves the OP sitting in painful, long silence all day. If that was me I would be desperately making an exit plan. I need at least a couple of words an hour! Or headphones / music.

What can she learn by chatting? She may feel she can learn different ways of working, different ways to do things etc.

ravenmum · 19/05/2017 13:36

if I am sat with someone that doesn't talk at all, what I am meant to do to get through the day
OK, I find that question weird, but maybe that is because I work alone :)

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 19/05/2017 13:36

What you could do to get through the day is work? Chatting makes her uncomfortable from the sound of it

I chat to my colleague and we know loads about each other but she's the exception - most jobs have involved just trying to block out the inane shite that's being discussed.

I can't imagine a manager doing anything about a complaint that someone is getting on with their work all day!

Original poster
LessConversation · 19/05/2017 13:38

The OP made a thread about it and is of the view that a subordinate should 'chat' with her. That is inappropriate and given their relative positions, it is bullying.

Wow. It's lunch time and I have just read through all your replies.

I am not making her chat with me. I ask how she is in the morning. In no staff handbook anywhere in the world is that bullying Confused

OP posts:
LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 19/05/2017 13:39

All this about volunteering information, saying about your commute etc - its really not something the colleague is obviously interested in. She didn't choose to work alongside an extrovert and she clearly finds it easier to just get her head down, do her job and not bring her private life into the office in any way. Personally I think that's admirable

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 19/05/2017 13:40

OP - is just leaving her alone an option? Lots of people like keeping work and private life separate. Like a PP if I detailed how I spent my time, not only the other person would be bored but I would be too!

TooStressyForMyOwnGood · 19/05/2017 13:40

I do work Confused. It's just nice to make that work a bit more bearable. Luckily I am in a job that is suited to this where we habe to communicate as we work together so I can appreciate other areas might just be different.

DIYandEatCake · 19/05/2017 13:41

Maybe she feels awkward because you're her manager, maybe she likes to focus on her work, maybe she's just not very good at chatting. I'm an introvert and am rubbish at small talk - I'd love to be able to chat but it just doesn't come naturally (until I know someone very well). Try to put her at ease - compliments can go a long way - tell her how much you appreciate her work, notice the little things, compliment her on a bag/hairstyle/outfit etc. Ask her opinion on a work matter (something that's not personal). Chat a little about what you've been doing, and you may find that without being put on the spot she joins in. Knowing that someone is 'expecting' me to talk is something I find really uncomfortable and sends me into a panic. Just be glad you find it easy!

TooStressyForMyOwnGood · 19/05/2017 13:41

FFS have

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 19/05/2017 13:42

There's a difference between having to communicate as part of the job and having to give a minute by minute breakdown of how she spent the evening before!

People who think they are just chatty/friendly can be very full on - the person upthread who said she made someone speak to her by saying hello until he did was Shock

She may have issues at home, she may suffer from social anxiety, she may just be shy.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 19/05/2017 13:43

And if you chat to someone who is uncomfortable or not interested, does that not cause an atmosphere too?

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 19/05/2017 13:44

I groan before going into the office daily because I am expected to say good morning to people - and that includes the people I like! I'm not a morning person so cba to chat first thing

TooStressyForMyOwnGood · 19/05/2017 13:44

Yes absolutely Livia, which is why I am genuinely interested in what the OP should do as it is miserable on both sides.

Goldfishjane · 19/05/2017 13:48

Gandalf "The question could be anything such as who you'd like to be stuck on a desert island with"

Someone who doesn't ask questions like that, would be my answer.

I'm always very smiley and helpful so I'm not creating an atmosphere. I do put earphones in if someone wants the radio on though. I don't say "don't put that on" but radio ads drive me mad.

I really really get that work can be deadly dull but I don't find that small talk helps with that. I'm the main tea maker to get away from my desk! Always volunteer errands etc. No one is crying in the loo because of me, though I do admit I won't even renember if someone was on holiday.